Sorry to take so long, my dad's computer was being fixed for a while.
Disclaimer: (The Disclaimers of America Union is currently on strike because no one pays them anything. Because of this, I will have to do my own disclaiming.) Ummm… I… I… Don't… Own… wait a second; I've always did my own disclaiming. If a professional did it they would look a lot better! Well anyways, I don't own Hamtaro or any of the other ham hams.
A Very Hamtaro Satire
(There is two references to the song "American Pie" in this story. Try to find them both!)
Episode 6: Return of the Robin Ham
Laura's mom: This family… driving… me… insane…
(Laura wakes and sees her mom next to the bed.)
Laura: Mom? What are you doing?
Laura's Mom: (Stashes away knife. Nothing dear, just waking you up.)
Laura: Good. (Goes to grab her cloths.)
(Laura's mom holds up a gun towards Laura. Laura turns around and she stashes that away too.)
Laura: (Lies down on bed) Still so tired…
(Laura's mom walks up with pillow in hand.)
Laura: Had a bad night again?
Laura's mom: (Recedes with pillow in hand) Yes…
Laura: I've got to go, see yah! (Runs off to school)
Laura's dad: (Walks into room) did you kill that stupid squirrel?
Laura's mom: Girl darling, and no, she to quick. She saw through me.
Laura's dad: (Looks at sleeping Hamtaro) well we can still get the stupid moose.
Laura's mom: Hamster darling
Laura's dad: (Places bomb in Hamtaro's cage. He and Laura's mom runs off.)
Announcer: Is this the end of Hamtaro? Tune in next time for We Serve Smoked Ham or Hamblasto!
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We'll Be Right Back
(Pashmina is eating sunflower seed pizza.)
Howdy: You like delivery? I like delivery!
Pashmina: It's not delivery, it's De… It's French.
Howdy: Ha! French pizza! That'll be the day.
Boss: What are you suggesting?!?
Howdy: Gulp…
It's not delivery, it's Degorno
Do you like danger, but don't want to die?
A Boss Look-A-Like: (Nods)
Then you can become a stunt double for A Very Hamtaro Satire!
A Cappy Look-A-Like: (Shows him dodging bullets)
Positions are plentiful and it's 80% safety guarantee. But I bet now you your wondering how you apply.
A Boss Look-A-Like: (Nods)
The number is 1-900-99-I-LOVE-TO-DIE. Call today!
Now we are back
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Announcer: When we last left our heroes, Laura's dad planted a bomb in Hamtaro's cage.
Cage: Boom!
Announcer: …
Hamtaro: (Enters room) Oh darn, there goes another stunt double. Oh well. (Runs to drainpipe. Slides down.) Uh oh, the olive oil I put on this morning for sun protection is causing me to slide even faster… (Flies into Brandy in skull busting speeds.) Uh Brandy?
Brandy: (In other side of yard.) Woof!
Hamtaro: Good, just the stunt double that suffered brain damage. (Runs off to the clubhouse. Hamtaro dashes into the clubhouse. No one is around but Snoozer. Hamtaro looked around curiously.)
Snoozer: If you're looking for the ham hams they are not here. Zu zu zu…
Hamtaro: Where are they?
Snoozer: They shopped at Ross…
Hamtaro: They left without me. They do this every year! Doesn't anyone care about Sid the Sloth?
Snoozer: Zu Zu Zu, what are you talking about? Zu Zu Zu
Hamtaro: Sorry, I was doing shooting for that "The Great Ice Age" fanfic last night and it reminded me of the movie. Well now what am I ganna do?
Snoozer: Stand close to me.
Hamtaro: (Stands next to the sleeping Snoozer.)
Snoozer: now kneel down
Hamtaro: (kneels down)
Snoozer: (Wacks Hamtaro over the head with a cane labeled "The Nova Cane") You won't feel a thing, heh heh heh… (snores)
(Dream Sequence)
King Boss: This is a mighty fine day. I feel like hearing a song. Jester!
Jester [Howdy]: Yes your highness?
King Boss: Wow, nice coat, where did you get it?
Jester: It's a coat a barrowed from James Dean.
King Boss: I would like you to sing for me.
Jester: How about Country music?
King Boss: In a voice that came from you and me?
Jester: Yes. (Starts to sing)
Servant: Here's your sunflower seeds your highness.
King Boss: Yum.
(While the king was looking down, the jester stole his thorny crown.)
King Boss: What the?
Jester: Hahaha! Now I, Howlin magician shall rule supreme!
King Boss: Arg…
Howlin (Howdy): Now this courtroom is adjourned. And no verdict is returned! Everyone out. And Lennon, stop reading that book on Marx! And will someone tell the Quartet to stop practicing in the park!
King Boss: Looks like we'll be singing dirges in the dark…
Howlin: Not today, because this is the day the music shall die!
Bijou: I must find someone who shall save us… (runs off)
(Outside castle a little bit later…)
Bijou: Excuse me kind sir.
Random ham: Well my my Miss American Pie.
Bijou: Do you have transportation? I need a ride.
Random ham: I have a Chevy. Maybe I can drive yah while I'm taking it to the levee. I hope it's not dry. Hey, do you need a place to stay? I know some good old boys. The only problem is they keep drinking whisky and rye and singin' "This will be the day that I die"
Bijou: No thanks.
(Later in the Chevy…)
Bijou: Where are we going?
Random ham: You'll see, heh heh heh…
Bijou: Oh no! Your ganna do something bad to me! (Jumps out of truck and rolls down hill.)
Random ham: Awww… man… I just wanted to take her to Fryer Tucks for Stand Up Comedy night. Darn…
(Later…)
Robin Ham [Hamtaro]: (Leaps from roof top to roof top.) I'm Robin Ham, I steal from the poor and give to the greedy. Or was it steal from the rich and give to the needy… Oh well. (Hops from rooftop to rooftop till he hops on a barn with no roof. Hamtaro or should I say Robin Ham falls onto a soft couch. Oxnard wakes from the disturbance.)
Oxnard: Who are you?
Robin Ham: Why I'm Robin Ham. Sorry I fell through your non-existent roof.
Oxnard: It's ok, at least it's not raining.
(A thunderbolt hits a tree as dark clouds form over Oxnard's barn.)
Robin Ham: So you must be the farmer.
Oxnard: No, I'm the family cow.
Robin Ham: That must be horrible.
Oxnard: Yes, especially the fact that the farmer's hands are always cold. Hey, you're Robin Ham!
Robin Ham: Yep
Oxnard: Can I come with you on your adventures? I can one of the merry hams that your last adventure was lacking.
Robin Ham: Sure
Pepper: What is going on in here?
Oxnard: umm… Hi barn dog Pepper
Robin Ham: Barn dog???
Pepper: Who's your friend?
Robin Ham: I'm Robin Ham!
Pepper: Sorry, but as the barn dog I'm afraid I'm going to have to… Your Robin Ham?
Robin Ham: Yes
Pepper: Wow, your life must be much better than mine. Our owner can't tell the difference from a cow and a hamster. He doesn't even realize this barn is in down town Nottingham.
Robin Ham: Wow…
Oxnard: Well maybe you can come with us/
Pepper: ok
(Later…)
(The trio is traveling through the woods.)
Pepper: We're lost aren't we?
Robin Ham: Where is Oxnard?
Pepper: Gasp!
Robin Ham: (Runs up to camera and stands really close to it. He starts crying.) I would like to apologize to Oxnard owners and Pepper's owners…
Pepper: Wait, he's over there!
Robin Ham: (to pepper) Oh (to camera) Never mind (runs over there)
Oxnard: (Standing looking down)
Robin Ham: What you find?
(Bijou is sleeping on the ground. The three of them stand around Bijou. Bijou wakes jumps when he sees the three of them.)
Robin Ham: Are you all right? (Helps the nervous bijou to her feet.)
Bijou: Yez… Thank you…
Robin Ham: What is your name?
Bijou: I am Maiden Bijouanne
Robin Ham: No offence but that's kind of a strange name.
Bijouanne [Bijou]: Well you try to change a French name into a proper English name in the ten minutez before you first say your name in a dream sequence that is breaking the copyright laws.
Robin Ham: I'm Sorry…
Bijou: It's ok, so who are you three?
Robin Ham: This is Pepper and Oxnard and I'm Robin Ham.
Bijou: Oh you're Robin Ham! You've got to go and help us!
Robin Ham: What's wrong?
Bijou: Howlin the Magician has taken over our kingdom!
Robin Ham: Like last week?
Bijou: Yes
Pepper: Oh no!
Oxnard: What are we ganna do?
Robin Ham: It's ok; let's stop by Fryer Tucks for lunch and then go save the day.
Everyone: Yay!
(Later…)
(The gang or in the restaurant Fryer Tucks.)
Oxnard: I'm glad we stopped here, this place has the best-fried sunflower seeds in England.
Stan: Thank you very much. (Walks off into audience.)
(A masked stand up comic walks onto stage)
Stand-Up Comic: I went down to the gas station to get a smog check, but they didn't give me service because they don't do smog checks on donkeys.
Audience: (Cat calls)
Robin Ham: He sounds familiar…
(Pashmina and Penelope exit the kitchen. Both of them holding trays of food and drink. Penelope is balancing her tray on her head.)
Pashmina: Be careful with that. Don't want to spill.
Penelope: Ookyoo!
Stan: (Walks up to Pashmina) Hey baby, where have you been all my life?
Dexter: I can't let you stay if your ganna flirt with my waitresses!
Stan: Geeze, sorry didn't know it was such a crime.
Stand-Up Comic: I think I'll do a magic trick, but first, I need a volunteer. (Points at Pashmina) How about you?
Pashmina: sure (Walks on stage)
Stand-Up Comic: Now I'm ganna make this girl disappear!
Stan and Dexter: What?!?!?
Stand-Up Comic: (Throws a blanket on here.) Hookus Pockus and she's gone! (Pulls off blanket and Pashmina is gone.)
Stan and Dexter: gasp!
Robin Ham: Wait, your Howlin the magician!
Stand-Up Comic: (Turns into Howlin the magician)
Stan: Gasp!
Dexter: Gasp!
Pepper: Gasp!
Oxnard: Gasp!
Flash_fox: Gasp!
Howlin: Hahahahahaha! I shall marry Pashmina as my queen of England! But first I shall reek havoc on the town because I feel like it. (runs out the door. Screams are heard. Hamtaro, Oxnard, Bijou, and Pepper fallow after.)
Oxnard: Wow, this is complete madness. Maybe we can ask that girl over there for happy news.
Sandy: (singing the blues)
Hamtaro: Are there any happy news?
Sandy: (Smiles and turns away.)
Hamtaro: Let's ask the man in the sacred store
Bijou: Where you heard the music play before?
Hamtaro: Yep.
Oxnard: No, I checked there and the man there said the music doesn't play.
Hamtaro: What dose that have to do with anything?
Oxnard: I dunno…
(In the streets the children screamed)
Sandy: Maxwell, are we ganna die.
Maxwell: Now Sandy, let's have some hope. Here, I'll dream up a poem to calm you down.
Hamtaro: Shh… Maybe if no words are spoken, it'll go away.
Oxnard: No, see the church bells are all broken, the monks of a vow of silence.
Pepper: This seems like a verse of the song "American Pie". (Pepper is all alone.) What the… (Runs to random hamster.) Where are the three hams I admire most?
Random Ham: The father, son, and the holy ghost?
Pepper: No… Robin Ham, Oxnard and Bijouam.
Random Ham: They took the last train to the coast.
Pepper: That's not where they went…
Random Ham: The day the music died.
Pepper: … Heke?
Random Ham: And we were singin'.
(Cappy, Jingle, Panda, and Snoozer appear)
Random Ham, Cappy, Jingle, Panda, and Snoozer: (sing in tune of final chorus of song "American Pie")
Bye Bye Miss 12th Century pie
Drove the buggy
The horses tuggie
To meet the that steel wielding guy
We found Oxnard keeping a hungry eye
Saying "I'll eat till the day that I die"
Pepper: Oh there they are. (Runs towards Hamtaro, Oxnard, and Bijou.)
(Later)
(The gang is outside the castle grounds.)
Hamtaro: Ok, we sneak through the garage door. We go through the kitchen and into the living room. In the living room, there should be a stairway in which will lead to the main room where we will strike at Howlin the magician.
Flash_fox: Sound's like my house…
Everyone: Shut up FF!
Hamtaro: Any questions?
Oxnard: Can I…
Hamtaro: No, we don't have time to eat out of the fridge.
Oxnard: darn…
(Later while they are sneaking around the base…)
Robin Ham: Now watch out for falling ob… (safe falls on him)
Bijou: Robin Ham! (Bad joke in 5)
Robin Ham: What? (Bad joke in 4)
Bijou: Huh? I thought you were under the safe… (Bad joke in 3)
Robin Ham: Just a stunt double (Bad joke in 2)
Bijou: Phew, I'm glad your safe. (Bad joke in 1)
Robin Ham: I thought I wasn't…
Bijou: huh?
Robin Ham: We better get a move on.
(They climb the stairs. They hear screaming.)
Pepper: What is that screaming?
Oxnard: I dunno but I don't like it.
Robin Ham: They must be torturing someone.
Bijou: Maybe it's Tortured Artist.
(They make it to the top of the stairs and as they open the door slowly…)
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We'll be right back
Tonight on Stanley Bravo, Stan is having some troubles on is latest date.
Stan: Why do you look so much like a gerbil baby?
Gerbil: because I am a gerbil.
Stan: oh boy…
All tonight on Fartoon Network!
And now we are back. Aren't you glad our commercials aren't the long?
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(They walk through the door and see Howlin on a table with the Chika Chika Ninjas doing cats cradle.)
Robin Ham: heke?
Chika Ninja Boss: Now to stage three!
Howlin: Not stage three…
Chika Ninja Boss: Jump Rope!
Howlin: NOOOO!
(After the Chika Ninjas have beaten Howlin…)
Boss: Thanks for saving out kingdom.
Chika Ninja Boss: No problem
Pashmina: You were really good Chika Ninja Pashmina.
Chika Ninja Pashmina: Yeah.]
Stan: Yep, she's one heke of a chika.
Dexter: (Hits Stan over the head with a mallet.)
Boss: (Sees Bijou with Robin Ham) What!?!? Robin Ham trying to take my girl!
Robin Ham: Uh oh…
Boss: (hits Robin Ham over the head.)
(End Dream Sequence)
Boss: (Shakes Hamtaro) wake up little guy. Sorry we left without you.
Hamtaro: I had the strangest dream, and you were there, and you were there, and you were there… Hey, nice coat bijou.
Bijou: Thanks! I got it at Ross.
Hamtaro: Nice cap cappy.
Cappy: Thanks! I got it at Ross.
Hamtaro: Nice mittens Pashmina.
Pashmina: Thanks! I got it at Ross.
Hamtaro: Nice tie Dexter.
Dexter: Thanks! I got it at Ross.
Hamtaro: Nice shoes Howdy.
Howdy: Thanks! I got it at Ross.
(An unknown ham enters the clubhouse)
Hamtaro: Who are you?
Unknown Ham: My name is Ross and someone stole all my cloths!
(Joke stolen from Tortured Artist)
(Later in the journal signing…)
Laura: I was able to kick my parents out of the house and I found my real parents tied up in the basement.
Hamtaro: Heke?
Laura: No no, you're supposed to tell what you did, then I say how tomorrow will be better then the heke.
Hamtaro: Oh yeah. I dreamt that I was Robin Ham and we did a lot of pointless stuff.
Laura: We had a good day today, and tomorrow will be even better.
Hamtaro: Heke?
Man, that was a long chapter. This chapter was seven pages long! Well, see yah next time!