Disclaimers: X/1999 and all its wonderful characters and plot belongs to CLAMP; and, the poem, Dance of the Dead belongs to Nadia Laksana, who has kindly allowed me to use it for my fic. Thanks, Nadia. The wallpaper can be found at xwalle.tripod.com (just copy and paste). In order to appreciate the full effect of the fic, it is advised that the reader viewed the contents of the wallpaper.
Note: This is written in the first person perspective. The view changes from person to person. I didn't specify from which person it came from because it could easily encompassed the whole X/1999 cast. But it is mostly focused on polar opposites, mainly, Kamui/Fuuma and Subaru/Seishirou. Alright, now onto the fic! Enjoy!
Summary: If your whole life was chosen by fate, and death is your constant companion, how would you respond if he asked you to dance?
~*~
Dance of the Dead
By Emrys Rei
~*~
Life is filled with nothingness…
I looked around me and I see nothing… not in my mind, my heart, nor my soul. I want to fill it… with…
Love or hate?
Duty or burden?
Family or country?
Friends or enemies?
Divine justice or blind retribution?
Life began in that one moment when two merged and formed a bond in the pool of survival. If so, then life truly comes from nothing. Therefore, would it be so bad to return to that nothingness? To be nothing?
Everything is meaningless…
Meaningless.
A word that has only one meaning… nothing.
Nothing matters to me… not myself, not them, not the achievement of a lifetime, nor the many times that I have cried myself to sleep.
Nothing.
Everything seemed so simple then.
To think of nothing… to be nothing.
But throw a seed into the earth, will it not grow?
Will it still be meaningless to see life sprout, whither, and die? To know that you have a hand in such a thing. Is everything as meaningless as it seems or was it just me?
How meaningless is meaningless?
Love is nonexistent…
If that is truly so, then why do I feel my heart breaking every time the tears come?
Why do my soul constrict and die little by little if love does not exist?
If love is not the cause, then what is?
The memories that I have forgotten or was it the leftover emotions that inflict me whenever, wherever they so choose?
To believe that, hope dies.
The candle flickers out and all is lost.
The phoenix will not ever rise again.
The ashes or the flame…
Which will you choose?
Pain is my lover...
Have I known any other than you?
My friend…
My teacher…
My lover…
My constant companion.
The shackles I have so willingly placed on myself… only to be near you. To always be by your side; or, was it the other way around?
How much do I really need you? You stayed with me, you filled my senses with your overpowering essence, letting nothing exists but you.
I feed you.
I clothed you.
I named you.
I walked around with a picture of you inside me, allowing you to consume me because nothing matters to me but…
your embrace…
your touch…
your eyes.
I never tire of you because I can't.
Once I do, I will be alone. More alone than I will ever be— more empty- because pain reminds me that I am still mortal. That I can still feel… even if it is only you.
I may be lonely, empty, but not indifferent.
The tears still come every night, my heart still breaks every time, my soul still bleeds every minute of every day for as long as I can remember because I held on to you…
tightly…
desperately…
longingly.
As long as you are here, I can still be something more.
I can still regain the lost parts of my soul.
I can still change because the alternative is no better.
You kept me alive and I know you will always stay with me because you are what you are and I can no longer be what I am.
I am the God of Death.
Death.
What a beautifully cryptic concept.
What is death but life eternal?
What am I but a waking dream… the walking dead?
What are you without me?
What am I but a part of you?
While waiting for your fate…
Would you like to dance with me?
I am dancing with you.
Always, always with you.
In the most beautiful dance of my life - an endless waltz that has no end and no beginning - only the rhythm of my breathing and the ceaseless trail of flowing tears that not even you can dry. My fate was determined when I sealed my mind and made my choice.
All my time…
All my efforts…
All my strength…
All my lessons…
…gone…
…wasted.
In the end, would you still want to dance with me?
~*~
Owari.