Who Dunnit?
By: Marta and Maria
Detective Alan: Case # 5-00M Victim: Courtney Matthews Ms. Matthews was found dead in the kithen of her home in a quart of blood. The victim was found shot 3 times in her head, leg, and back. We found out that she was shot first in her back then her head and last her leg.
Reporter: Detective why did she lose only a quart of blood.
Det. A: No comment. That's the end of this press confrence.
Back in police headquarters, 1 hour later
Det. A: I give up. This case has no suspects. Give it to the PCPD
Det. M: This is the PCPD.
Det. A: Shut the fuck up, who asked you!?
Det. X: Oh I'll take this case!!
Five minutes later Det. X is on the case!
Det. A: I'd start with Faith Roscoe.
Det. X: Righty-O!
Det. X starts searching for Faith Roscoe but comes up empty-handed, so he
goes to the next natural place to find her.
Det. X: Mr.Corinthos, morning to ya! I came to ask you some questions.
Sonny: What do you want?
Det.X: Sir, are you aware that your sister is dead?
Sonny: Yea, what happened to her?
Det.X: I think that I should ask you and your friend Jason Morgan that!! Ms. Matthews was found w/ 3 gunshot wounds. Research proves to show that she was shot in the back, then head, lastly her leg.
Jason: (laughing)
Det. X: Sir, why is it so funny that your wife is dead?
Jason: It's not, it's just what kind of mobster would kill someone that way?
Sonny: Really you would shoot them in the leg so they couldn't run, then shoot them in their back so they couldn't crawl, then in their head 'cause you want them dead.
Det. X: Would you happen to know where Miz Faith Roscoe is?
Sonny: No.
Det. X: Do you know what she looks like?
Sonny: She has blonde hair, she wears black, and has arched eyebrows.
(Carly walks in)
Det. X: Is that Faith?
Sonny: No.
Det. X: Well she has blonde hair and she is wearing black.
Sonny: Well she doesn't have arched eyebrows.
Det. X: But her eyebrows are weird.
Sonny: Faith has short blonde hair it's the same color as Courtney's, evil looking eyebrows, and she wears one black dress over and over.
Det. X: Can you name any suspects?
Sonny: Alcazar
Jason: Zander
Sonny: Ric
Jason: Brian
Sonny: Brian
Jason: Brian
Det. X: Three different Brians?
Jason: No. Just hate him even more than anyone.
Sonny: And I ran out of people to suspect.
(Det. X walks away)
Det. X: On the move to Zander's home.
At Zander's Zoo (House)
Det. X: Zander wake up.
Zander: What? Who are you?
Det. X: Det. X
Zander: Oh. What?
Det. X: Did you kill Courtney Matthews?
Zander: Who?
(Det. X pulls out a picture)
Det. X: Her.
Zander: Oh. That's the girl I saw when she was first coming to town. She had a car problem. Then I heard after that she has had about....10 car accidents. If you ask me she should be stripped of her liscence.
Det. X: So did you kill her?
Zander: No.
Det. X: Can you suggest any cetain people who might have killed her?
Zander: Alcazar, Faith, AJ
Det. X: Thank you sir.
Zander: K
(As he falls back in his bed)
Quartermaine Quansion (Mansion)
Det. X: Are you AJ Quarterman?
AJ: No. I am AJ Quartermaine.
Det. X: Okay AJ Quatermaine, did you know Courtney Matthews?
AJ: Yea, she was my ex-wife.
Det. X: So did you kill her?
AJ: NO.
Det. X: No need to yell. Reh llik uoy did?
AJ: WHAT?
Det. X: It's a yes or no question. Answer it NOW or go to jail.
AJ: Uh.... Yes?
Det. X: I knew it! Guys take him down town.
AJ: WHAT? YOU CAN'T DO THIS!
Det. X: Yes I can and please stop yelling or you will be punished.
(Det. X waves his fist at AJ)
At Alcazar's Attic (House)
Det. X: Can you name any suspects for the murder of Courtney Matthews? Alcazar did you kill Courtney Matthews?
Alcazar: Dillon and no.
Det. X: Are you sure?
Alcazar: Yes.
Det. X: So you killed her?
Alcazar: No.
Det. X: Then why did you say you did?
Alcazar: I didn't.
Det. X: Yes you did. I asked you are you sure you killed her and you said yes. Take him away.
Alcazar: You can't do this you son of a bitch!
Det. X: First of all no my mother is not a bitch, you are fuckedy! Second of all I can do this!
Right back to the Quartermaines
Det. X: Are you Dillon Hornsbye?
Dillon: Man bitch can't you get my name right? It's Hornsby. Like I hate you B****. Who are you?
Det. X: Read the captions. Did you kill Courtney Matthews?
Dillon: No, but isn't that a hooker at the oasis?
Det. X: How do you know about that? The oasis burned down a long time before you came to town.
Dillon: How do you know? I read the paper.
Det. X: So you read the paper that burned down the oasis and you killed that girl too. It's a shame what young kids do to get attention.
Dillon: What? I don't know anything about anything you're saying.
Det. X: So you have accomplistes? Is it that Indian Kid and his Cuban Friend.
Dillon: Who are you talking about? I don't know any Indians or Cubans.
Det. X: Can you name any suspects?
Dillon: No.
Det. X: What was that did you say Rio.
Dillon: No.
Det. X: Henry too.
Dillon: What are you talking about? I didn't say anything.
Det. X.: Was that Jason and Ric, I heard? Thanks for your help!
Dillon: Whatever.
At Brian's Beach (House)
Det. X: Did you kill Courtney Matthews?
Brian: No.
Det. X: Why where you stalking her then?
Brian: Are you sure you don't mean Alcazar?
Det. X: Bitch you're not supposed to know about that! That is my jurisdiction! And if I meant Alcazar don't you think I would say Alcazar! Why are you in Port Charles, you don't belong here!
Brian: Det. X why are you so mad?
Det. X: Why do you think you ugly motherfucker? You won't stay away from MY town!
Brian: X, you are aware that Courtney's killer is probably gang related. Right? Did you question her family? My moneys on that Micheal kid.
Det. X: You bitch, just leave it alone. I am the one assuming things about this case not a F.I.C.
Brian: What's that?
Det. X: Fuck Infested Case. You're under arrest for the murder of that girl and not staying in your jurisdiction.
Brian: I could never kill anyone.
Det. X: Save it for your masters. Now let's throw a scenario at ya:
You're at home watching tv and suddenly the phone rings and you know who it is.
Brian: Who? That wierd red head kid?
Det. X: Don't interrupt the scenarios, bitch. What's w/ you and the kid, he seemed nice when I saw him. Anyways:
It's Courtney and she's like:
(Det. X in girly voice) Brian, no ones here. Could you come over. purrr.
(Det. X in girlier voice) Sure, Courtney. Be right over. baaaa.
You show up at her house and finds out that she is talking about killing you. Then you decide to show her, besides you were kill her today anyway. But what foiled your evil plan was that she had a gun, but you also had a gun. You sneak up behind her and try to shoot her, but she turns and tries to shoot you. But your faster and your shot kills her, before she can fire. Then you cry:
(Det. X in girlier voice) I can't believe I shot Courtney.
You bet you shot her, shot her dead. But you didn't stop there, you shot her two more times for fun. Your kitty can't sip no more milk from that platter. Then, you using your smarts about her multiple car accidents and blood loss, left 3 tissues to soak up her blood.
Brian: (crying) That's not what happened. I planned to kill her tomorrow.
Det. X: It doesn't matter what when you planned to kill her, you still planned and tomorrow and today there all days. So you are so going to jail.
Brian: No, but you don't understand. I planned to kill her the day before tomorrow, the day after yesterday, and six days before yesterday. Note: Today is Wednesday.
Det. X: Stop, w/ the english riddles. I don't care, just take him away.
Brian: YOU WILL NEVER GET AWAY W/ THIS YOU B...B.....B.........BASTARD!
(CLANK)
Det. X: What the fuckedy was that?
Faith: ANN! ANN WHERE ARE YOU?!
Det. X: Ann's not here but I am. Are you Faith Russia?
Faith: Roscoe not Russia.
Det. X: Hey you don't know. There could so be a Faith Russia in here. Did you kill Courtney Matthews?
Faith: No.
Det. X: Are you sure?
Faith: Yes.
Det. X: Guys.
(Signals them to arrest Faith)
Faith: What? How are you arresting me?
Det. X: Well you see these are handcuffs and I'm going to put them on you so you can't get free then you will go to jail. Do you understand? And do you know what jail is it is a big cage where bad people go.
Faith: I know what jail is and yes I do understand.
Det. X: Okay- Dokay.
In Pennslyvainia
At Rio's Restarauant (House)
Det. X: Hellooooooo Rioooooooo.
Rio: Uh, hi. What do you want?
Det. X: I want you.....
Rio: WHAT!?
Det. X: To tell me why you killed Courtney Matthews?
Rio: Who is Courtney Matthews?
Det. X: Just ask Koucum.
Rio: Who the fuck is that?
Det. X: Oh you know who I'm talking about Rioooo.
Rio: Stop doing that.
Det. X: What are you talking about Riooooo?
Rio: Really what are you doing here?
Det. X: Yaw eht uoy whos ediug naidni ruoy tel.
Rio: What are you talking about?
Det. X: Let me tell you what you did friend:
You went to Courtney's house and met your indian guide which you had only known for 20 minutes and you decided to rob a pooooor old woman. This was a plan of you guys had for years:
(Det. X in a childest voice)That old bat doesn't need money cause she's old.
(Det. X in a weird voice)Are you sure this is the right thing to do Rioooooo.
You walk in and you shot her in her back then your Indian Guide suggested to shoot her in the head and leg:
(Det. X in a weird voice)To watch her wiggle
Then he shot her. Let's not forget the rock imprints in her face and her feet to stop the blood. It seems you and your Indian Friend dropped rocks on her.
Rio: How could I have only known him for 20 minutes if we planned this for years.
Det. X: So your admitting that you planned to kill her?
Rio: No. But that's what you said.
Det. X: Sure it is. You can't go around just changing people's scenarios.
Rio: Why won't you just leave me alone?
Det. X: Guys take him up town.
Rio: You can't do that I don't even live in Port Charles.
Det. X: Who cares, you killed someone in Port Charles so you will be punished in Port Charles.
At Henry's Home
Det. X: Ah my Indian Guide how have you been doing?
Henry: What are you talking about?
Det. X: Why did you kill Courtney Matthews?
Henry: No.
Det. X: Let me show you the way:
Your friend Dillon called you and Rio saying:
(Det. X in a loud, obnoxious voice)Guys I heard aboot an old slutty hooker here in Port Charles.
(Det.X in a weird voice)You can count me in. We can rob that slutty hooker.
(Det. X in a childest voice)You better believe I'm coming. I mean if my Indian Guide thinks it's a good idea it must be. And Koucuum don't for get the rocks.
So you arrive at the old hooker's house and you guys make sure Kacoa has the rocks.
Henry: Who is Kacoa and Koucuum?
Det. X: THEY'RE YOU AND DON'T EVER INTERRUPT THE SCENARIOS.Now as I was saying:
Then you enter the house and see that Brian was there. So you took the rocks and threw them at him. And he ran away screaming:
(Det. X in girlier voice)Murder! Murder! Murder!
Then you have Dillon go upstairs and he runs her downstairs. Then he shoots her in the
back hoping to kill her, but it didn't. He only had one bullet so it's up to you to shoot her. So you shot her in the leg for fun. But you only had one bullet so it was up to Rio to kill her. So he shot her in the head thus killing her. Then you saw all the blood and decided to
put the rocks in her face and feet to soak up the blood.
Henry: How do rocks soak up blood?
Det. X: But don't they? Yes they do. That's also why we could only find one cup of blood. Guys take away.
6 hours later at the PCPD
(Det. X walks in looking at all the suspects)
Det. X: What time is it?
Det. M: It's 11:00.
(Det. M says looking at his watch through the cage bars.)
Det. X: M, why are you in there?
Det. M: The same reason everyone else is.
Det. X: Your a suspect?
Det. M: That's what you said right after I handcuffed Henry. You told Det. Z to lock me up cause I looked "suspecitious".
Det. A: You have almost the whole town in here.
Bobbie: You have all the Detectives in one cell so everyone else take up the interrogation rooms and the cage in the middle.
Edward: You even have the doctors in a seperate cage.
Roy: You even have some gross baby here. Please put lumpy in a cage by it's self.
Kyle: You could put it in solitarie.
Rio: And how about you got people that don't live in Port Charles.
Ryan L.: Why am I here? You never explained you just arrested me for no reason.
Det. X: Oh I had a reason. And Det. Z take that baby and put it in solitarie. It's weirding me out plus it looks disgusting.
Det. Z: So do we have enogh suspects?
Det. X: Nope.
Letcia: You have the whole town there's no one else.
Edward: Don't forget my hooligan grandson and his boss and the boss' family.
Det. X: Okay-Dokay.
At the Quartermaine Quansion (Mansion)
Det. X: Dillon you're under arrest for the murder of Courtney Matthews.
Dillon: What didn't you already come here?
Det. X: Yea now I'm back for you. Don't think I don't know about that piñata incident.
Dillon: What piñata incident?
Det. X: Let me paint a picture for you or should I say paint a PIÑATA for you:
You say this nice looking girl and thought:
(Det. X in a loud, obnoxious voice)It's piñata time.
So you took a knife and you slit the girl up. Then you took her and put her in a pretty pink flower piñata and said:
(Det. X in a loud, obnoxious voice)Canndy time.
As you carried it to the orphanage for the kids. You stood there and watched the kids beat her fat body up into pieces. Then some kid yelled:
(Det. X in an old slow voice)The...piñ...ata...is...ble...ed...ing...!
But little did you suspect that kid was me and I saw the smirk on your face as you ate the pieces as if they were canndy.But little did you know that I was in disguise and would say this:
(Det. X in an old slow voice) I'm a Detective now to solve crimes.
Dillon: What are talking about?
Det. X: Oh I think you know what I'm talking about.Remember I was there too.
Dillon: Why won't you just go away?
Det. X: Okay-Dokay. But you are coming with me. Det. Z take him away.
Dillon: Hold up what happened to the other Det.?
Det. X: He looked suspecitious.
Dillon: The only reason you're arresting so many people is because your guilty yourself.
Det. X: That's ignorant, child.
(Det. X says with suspecitious eyes.)
At Ric's Reststop (House)
Det. X: RIC OPEN THE DOOR OR I WILL BREAK THE DOOR TO YOUR RESTSTOP!!
5 Minutes later
Det. X: That's it. Det. Z give me your nightstick.
Det. Z: But didn't we already......
Det. X: GIVE ME YOUR NIGHTSTICK!! Thank you that wasn't so hard was it?
(Det. X Breaks both windows and threw the nightstick in with note that said:)
Det. X: We'll be back for you at Rocky Ric's Reststop.
Det. Z: What about my nightstick.
Det. X: Come on we got to go to Sonny's Secret Shop.
At Sonny's Secret Shop (House)
Det. X: Sonny you're under arrest for the murder of C.M.
(Pauses)
Det. X: You know what else so is Carly, Micheal, Morgan, and your maid, Gretchen.
Sonny: Who is Gretchen? And why are Micheal and Morgan being arrested?
Det. X: Have you ever seen the Simpsons? Well babies can commit murders too.
Back at PCPD
Det. X: Only 3 more to go. WHAT ARE YOU DOING!? DON'T PUT THEM IN THERE.
(Det. X sits Sonny, Micheal, Morgan, and Carly next to a desk. While glaring at Det. Z)
Det. X: You guys are going to be handcuffed to each other except Morgan. Sonny is going to be handcuffed to the desk and Micheal. Carly will be handcuffed to Micheal with one hand free to take care of Morgan. Okay- Dokay.
Det. Z: Who's left?
Det. X: Jason's Jungle, Zander's Zoo, and Taggert's Toys the one in Europe.
At Zander's Zoo again (House)
Det. X: Zander you're under arrest and you know why. Z take him away.
At Jason's Jungle (House)
Det. X: Jason you're under arrest.
Jason: No.
Det. X: Yes.
Jason: No, I was in...
Det. X: You're threating me.
Jason: How?
Det. X: Your hair.It's sharp, pointy and scary.
Jason: You can't arrest me I know my rights.
Det. X: But do you mine. Take him away.
In Europe
At Taggert's Toys (House)
Det. X: You're under arrest for the murder of Courtney Matthews.
Taggert: When did she die?
Det. X: I think you already know that.
Taggert: No I don't.
Det. X: Oh yes you do. Take him away.
Taggert: Did you try Sonny or Jason or their enimies?
Det. X: Don't try to police me, LIT. Marker Faggert.
Taggert: That's not my name.
Det. X: Oh yes it is. Who's in charge here? Me so shut the fuckedy up.
By: Marta and Maria
Detective Alan: Case # 5-00M Victim: Courtney Matthews Ms. Matthews was found dead in the kithen of her home in a quart of blood. The victim was found shot 3 times in her head, leg, and back. We found out that she was shot first in her back then her head and last her leg.
Reporter: Detective why did she lose only a quart of blood.
Det. A: No comment. That's the end of this press confrence.
Back in police headquarters, 1 hour later
Det. A: I give up. This case has no suspects. Give it to the PCPD
Det. M: This is the PCPD.
Det. A: Shut the fuck up, who asked you!?
Det. X: Oh I'll take this case!!
Five minutes later Det. X is on the case!
Det. A: I'd start with Faith Roscoe.
Det. X: Righty-O!
Det. X starts searching for Faith Roscoe but comes up empty-handed, so he
goes to the next natural place to find her.
Det. X: Mr.Corinthos, morning to ya! I came to ask you some questions.
Sonny: What do you want?
Det.X: Sir, are you aware that your sister is dead?
Sonny: Yea, what happened to her?
Det.X: I think that I should ask you and your friend Jason Morgan that!! Ms. Matthews was found w/ 3 gunshot wounds. Research proves to show that she was shot in the back, then head, lastly her leg.
Jason: (laughing)
Det. X: Sir, why is it so funny that your wife is dead?
Jason: It's not, it's just what kind of mobster would kill someone that way?
Sonny: Really you would shoot them in the leg so they couldn't run, then shoot them in their back so they couldn't crawl, then in their head 'cause you want them dead.
Det. X: Would you happen to know where Miz Faith Roscoe is?
Sonny: No.
Det. X: Do you know what she looks like?
Sonny: She has blonde hair, she wears black, and has arched eyebrows.
(Carly walks in)
Det. X: Is that Faith?
Sonny: No.
Det. X: Well she has blonde hair and she is wearing black.
Sonny: Well she doesn't have arched eyebrows.
Det. X: But her eyebrows are weird.
Sonny: Faith has short blonde hair it's the same color as Courtney's, evil looking eyebrows, and she wears one black dress over and over.
Det. X: Can you name any suspects?
Sonny: Alcazar
Jason: Zander
Sonny: Ric
Jason: Brian
Sonny: Brian
Jason: Brian
Det. X: Three different Brians?
Jason: No. Just hate him even more than anyone.
Sonny: And I ran out of people to suspect.
(Det. X walks away)
Det. X: On the move to Zander's home.
At Zander's Zoo (House)
Det. X: Zander wake up.
Zander: What? Who are you?
Det. X: Det. X
Zander: Oh. What?
Det. X: Did you kill Courtney Matthews?
Zander: Who?
(Det. X pulls out a picture)
Det. X: Her.
Zander: Oh. That's the girl I saw when she was first coming to town. She had a car problem. Then I heard after that she has had about....10 car accidents. If you ask me she should be stripped of her liscence.
Det. X: So did you kill her?
Zander: No.
Det. X: Can you suggest any cetain people who might have killed her?
Zander: Alcazar, Faith, AJ
Det. X: Thank you sir.
Zander: K
(As he falls back in his bed)
Quartermaine Quansion (Mansion)
Det. X: Are you AJ Quarterman?
AJ: No. I am AJ Quartermaine.
Det. X: Okay AJ Quatermaine, did you know Courtney Matthews?
AJ: Yea, she was my ex-wife.
Det. X: So did you kill her?
AJ: NO.
Det. X: No need to yell. Reh llik uoy did?
AJ: WHAT?
Det. X: It's a yes or no question. Answer it NOW or go to jail.
AJ: Uh.... Yes?
Det. X: I knew it! Guys take him down town.
AJ: WHAT? YOU CAN'T DO THIS!
Det. X: Yes I can and please stop yelling or you will be punished.
(Det. X waves his fist at AJ)
At Alcazar's Attic (House)
Det. X: Can you name any suspects for the murder of Courtney Matthews? Alcazar did you kill Courtney Matthews?
Alcazar: Dillon and no.
Det. X: Are you sure?
Alcazar: Yes.
Det. X: So you killed her?
Alcazar: No.
Det. X: Then why did you say you did?
Alcazar: I didn't.
Det. X: Yes you did. I asked you are you sure you killed her and you said yes. Take him away.
Alcazar: You can't do this you son of a bitch!
Det. X: First of all no my mother is not a bitch, you are fuckedy! Second of all I can do this!
Right back to the Quartermaines
Det. X: Are you Dillon Hornsbye?
Dillon: Man bitch can't you get my name right? It's Hornsby. Like I hate you B****. Who are you?
Det. X: Read the captions. Did you kill Courtney Matthews?
Dillon: No, but isn't that a hooker at the oasis?
Det. X: How do you know about that? The oasis burned down a long time before you came to town.
Dillon: How do you know? I read the paper.
Det. X: So you read the paper that burned down the oasis and you killed that girl too. It's a shame what young kids do to get attention.
Dillon: What? I don't know anything about anything you're saying.
Det. X: So you have accomplistes? Is it that Indian Kid and his Cuban Friend.
Dillon: Who are you talking about? I don't know any Indians or Cubans.
Det. X: Can you name any suspects?
Dillon: No.
Det. X: What was that did you say Rio.
Dillon: No.
Det. X: Henry too.
Dillon: What are you talking about? I didn't say anything.
Det. X.: Was that Jason and Ric, I heard? Thanks for your help!
Dillon: Whatever.
At Brian's Beach (House)
Det. X: Did you kill Courtney Matthews?
Brian: No.
Det. X: Why where you stalking her then?
Brian: Are you sure you don't mean Alcazar?
Det. X: Bitch you're not supposed to know about that! That is my jurisdiction! And if I meant Alcazar don't you think I would say Alcazar! Why are you in Port Charles, you don't belong here!
Brian: Det. X why are you so mad?
Det. X: Why do you think you ugly motherfucker? You won't stay away from MY town!
Brian: X, you are aware that Courtney's killer is probably gang related. Right? Did you question her family? My moneys on that Micheal kid.
Det. X: You bitch, just leave it alone. I am the one assuming things about this case not a F.I.C.
Brian: What's that?
Det. X: Fuck Infested Case. You're under arrest for the murder of that girl and not staying in your jurisdiction.
Brian: I could never kill anyone.
Det. X: Save it for your masters. Now let's throw a scenario at ya:
You're at home watching tv and suddenly the phone rings and you know who it is.
Brian: Who? That wierd red head kid?
Det. X: Don't interrupt the scenarios, bitch. What's w/ you and the kid, he seemed nice when I saw him. Anyways:
It's Courtney and she's like:
(Det. X in girly voice) Brian, no ones here. Could you come over. purrr.
(Det. X in girlier voice) Sure, Courtney. Be right over. baaaa.
You show up at her house and finds out that she is talking about killing you. Then you decide to show her, besides you were kill her today anyway. But what foiled your evil plan was that she had a gun, but you also had a gun. You sneak up behind her and try to shoot her, but she turns and tries to shoot you. But your faster and your shot kills her, before she can fire. Then you cry:
(Det. X in girlier voice) I can't believe I shot Courtney.
You bet you shot her, shot her dead. But you didn't stop there, you shot her two more times for fun. Your kitty can't sip no more milk from that platter. Then, you using your smarts about her multiple car accidents and blood loss, left 3 tissues to soak up her blood.
Brian: (crying) That's not what happened. I planned to kill her tomorrow.
Det. X: It doesn't matter what when you planned to kill her, you still planned and tomorrow and today there all days. So you are so going to jail.
Brian: No, but you don't understand. I planned to kill her the day before tomorrow, the day after yesterday, and six days before yesterday. Note: Today is Wednesday.
Det. X: Stop, w/ the english riddles. I don't care, just take him away.
Brian: YOU WILL NEVER GET AWAY W/ THIS YOU B...B.....B.........BASTARD!
(CLANK)
Det. X: What the fuckedy was that?
Faith: ANN! ANN WHERE ARE YOU?!
Det. X: Ann's not here but I am. Are you Faith Russia?
Faith: Roscoe not Russia.
Det. X: Hey you don't know. There could so be a Faith Russia in here. Did you kill Courtney Matthews?
Faith: No.
Det. X: Are you sure?
Faith: Yes.
Det. X: Guys.
(Signals them to arrest Faith)
Faith: What? How are you arresting me?
Det. X: Well you see these are handcuffs and I'm going to put them on you so you can't get free then you will go to jail. Do you understand? And do you know what jail is it is a big cage where bad people go.
Faith: I know what jail is and yes I do understand.
Det. X: Okay- Dokay.
In Pennslyvainia
At Rio's Restarauant (House)
Det. X: Hellooooooo Rioooooooo.
Rio: Uh, hi. What do you want?
Det. X: I want you.....
Rio: WHAT!?
Det. X: To tell me why you killed Courtney Matthews?
Rio: Who is Courtney Matthews?
Det. X: Just ask Koucum.
Rio: Who the fuck is that?
Det. X: Oh you know who I'm talking about Rioooo.
Rio: Stop doing that.
Det. X: What are you talking about Riooooo?
Rio: Really what are you doing here?
Det. X: Yaw eht uoy whos ediug naidni ruoy tel.
Rio: What are you talking about?
Det. X: Let me tell you what you did friend:
You went to Courtney's house and met your indian guide which you had only known for 20 minutes and you decided to rob a pooooor old woman. This was a plan of you guys had for years:
(Det. X in a childest voice)That old bat doesn't need money cause she's old.
(Det. X in a weird voice)Are you sure this is the right thing to do Rioooooo.
You walk in and you shot her in her back then your Indian Guide suggested to shoot her in the head and leg:
(Det. X in a weird voice)To watch her wiggle
Then he shot her. Let's not forget the rock imprints in her face and her feet to stop the blood. It seems you and your Indian Friend dropped rocks on her.
Rio: How could I have only known him for 20 minutes if we planned this for years.
Det. X: So your admitting that you planned to kill her?
Rio: No. But that's what you said.
Det. X: Sure it is. You can't go around just changing people's scenarios.
Rio: Why won't you just leave me alone?
Det. X: Guys take him up town.
Rio: You can't do that I don't even live in Port Charles.
Det. X: Who cares, you killed someone in Port Charles so you will be punished in Port Charles.
At Henry's Home
Det. X: Ah my Indian Guide how have you been doing?
Henry: What are you talking about?
Det. X: Why did you kill Courtney Matthews?
Henry: No.
Det. X: Let me show you the way:
Your friend Dillon called you and Rio saying:
(Det. X in a loud, obnoxious voice)Guys I heard aboot an old slutty hooker here in Port Charles.
(Det.X in a weird voice)You can count me in. We can rob that slutty hooker.
(Det. X in a childest voice)You better believe I'm coming. I mean if my Indian Guide thinks it's a good idea it must be. And Koucuum don't for get the rocks.
So you arrive at the old hooker's house and you guys make sure Kacoa has the rocks.
Henry: Who is Kacoa and Koucuum?
Det. X: THEY'RE YOU AND DON'T EVER INTERRUPT THE SCENARIOS.Now as I was saying:
Then you enter the house and see that Brian was there. So you took the rocks and threw them at him. And he ran away screaming:
(Det. X in girlier voice)Murder! Murder! Murder!
Then you have Dillon go upstairs and he runs her downstairs. Then he shoots her in the
back hoping to kill her, but it didn't. He only had one bullet so it's up to you to shoot her. So you shot her in the leg for fun. But you only had one bullet so it was up to Rio to kill her. So he shot her in the head thus killing her. Then you saw all the blood and decided to
put the rocks in her face and feet to soak up the blood.
Henry: How do rocks soak up blood?
Det. X: But don't they? Yes they do. That's also why we could only find one cup of blood. Guys take away.
6 hours later at the PCPD
(Det. X walks in looking at all the suspects)
Det. X: What time is it?
Det. M: It's 11:00.
(Det. M says looking at his watch through the cage bars.)
Det. X: M, why are you in there?
Det. M: The same reason everyone else is.
Det. X: Your a suspect?
Det. M: That's what you said right after I handcuffed Henry. You told Det. Z to lock me up cause I looked "suspecitious".
Det. A: You have almost the whole town in here.
Bobbie: You have all the Detectives in one cell so everyone else take up the interrogation rooms and the cage in the middle.
Edward: You even have the doctors in a seperate cage.
Roy: You even have some gross baby here. Please put lumpy in a cage by it's self.
Kyle: You could put it in solitarie.
Rio: And how about you got people that don't live in Port Charles.
Ryan L.: Why am I here? You never explained you just arrested me for no reason.
Det. X: Oh I had a reason. And Det. Z take that baby and put it in solitarie. It's weirding me out plus it looks disgusting.
Det. Z: So do we have enogh suspects?
Det. X: Nope.
Letcia: You have the whole town there's no one else.
Edward: Don't forget my hooligan grandson and his boss and the boss' family.
Det. X: Okay-Dokay.
At the Quartermaine Quansion (Mansion)
Det. X: Dillon you're under arrest for the murder of Courtney Matthews.
Dillon: What didn't you already come here?
Det. X: Yea now I'm back for you. Don't think I don't know about that piñata incident.
Dillon: What piñata incident?
Det. X: Let me paint a picture for you or should I say paint a PIÑATA for you:
You say this nice looking girl and thought:
(Det. X in a loud, obnoxious voice)It's piñata time.
So you took a knife and you slit the girl up. Then you took her and put her in a pretty pink flower piñata and said:
(Det. X in a loud, obnoxious voice)Canndy time.
As you carried it to the orphanage for the kids. You stood there and watched the kids beat her fat body up into pieces. Then some kid yelled:
(Det. X in an old slow voice)The...piñ...ata...is...ble...ed...ing...!
But little did you suspect that kid was me and I saw the smirk on your face as you ate the pieces as if they were canndy.But little did you know that I was in disguise and would say this:
(Det. X in an old slow voice) I'm a Detective now to solve crimes.
Dillon: What are talking about?
Det. X: Oh I think you know what I'm talking about.Remember I was there too.
Dillon: Why won't you just go away?
Det. X: Okay-Dokay. But you are coming with me. Det. Z take him away.
Dillon: Hold up what happened to the other Det.?
Det. X: He looked suspecitious.
Dillon: The only reason you're arresting so many people is because your guilty yourself.
Det. X: That's ignorant, child.
(Det. X says with suspecitious eyes.)
At Ric's Reststop (House)
Det. X: RIC OPEN THE DOOR OR I WILL BREAK THE DOOR TO YOUR RESTSTOP!!
5 Minutes later
Det. X: That's it. Det. Z give me your nightstick.
Det. Z: But didn't we already......
Det. X: GIVE ME YOUR NIGHTSTICK!! Thank you that wasn't so hard was it?
(Det. X Breaks both windows and threw the nightstick in with note that said:)
Det. X: We'll be back for you at Rocky Ric's Reststop.
Det. Z: What about my nightstick.
Det. X: Come on we got to go to Sonny's Secret Shop.
At Sonny's Secret Shop (House)
Det. X: Sonny you're under arrest for the murder of C.M.
(Pauses)
Det. X: You know what else so is Carly, Micheal, Morgan, and your maid, Gretchen.
Sonny: Who is Gretchen? And why are Micheal and Morgan being arrested?
Det. X: Have you ever seen the Simpsons? Well babies can commit murders too.
Back at PCPD
Det. X: Only 3 more to go. WHAT ARE YOU DOING!? DON'T PUT THEM IN THERE.
(Det. X sits Sonny, Micheal, Morgan, and Carly next to a desk. While glaring at Det. Z)
Det. X: You guys are going to be handcuffed to each other except Morgan. Sonny is going to be handcuffed to the desk and Micheal. Carly will be handcuffed to Micheal with one hand free to take care of Morgan. Okay- Dokay.
Det. Z: Who's left?
Det. X: Jason's Jungle, Zander's Zoo, and Taggert's Toys the one in Europe.
At Zander's Zoo again (House)
Det. X: Zander you're under arrest and you know why. Z take him away.
At Jason's Jungle (House)
Det. X: Jason you're under arrest.
Jason: No.
Det. X: Yes.
Jason: No, I was in...
Det. X: You're threating me.
Jason: How?
Det. X: Your hair.It's sharp, pointy and scary.
Jason: You can't arrest me I know my rights.
Det. X: But do you mine. Take him away.
In Europe
At Taggert's Toys (House)
Det. X: You're under arrest for the murder of Courtney Matthews.
Taggert: When did she die?
Det. X: I think you already know that.
Taggert: No I don't.
Det. X: Oh yes you do. Take him away.
Taggert: Did you try Sonny or Jason or their enimies?
Det. X: Don't try to police me, LIT. Marker Faggert.
Taggert: That's not my name.
Det. X: Oh yes it is. Who's in charge here? Me so shut the fuckedy up.