Rating: PG just in case
Summary: A short POV of what Mac was thinking after she overheard Harm,
Webb and Catherine Gale in Webb's hospital room at the end of Shifting
Sands.
Spoilers: General spoilers up to and including 'shifting sands' specific
spoilers for 'A tangled Webb part 1, 2' and 'Shifting Sands'.
Note: I'm Canadian, so is my spelling, deal with it.
Disclaimer: Not mine, never have been, never will be.
Feedback: appreciated but not expected or necessary.
Mac's POV
'No, no, no, this is not happening. I did NOT just hear Harm say that he joined the CIA. Harm would never do that; he's too honest, loyal and honourable. Joining the CIA will ruin him. It would break his spirit and his heart, he's just not cut out to be a spook.'
'I know I told him that it would never work between us but that doesn't mean that I don't love him. I know that Webb loves me, and like I told Harm it was nice having someone who wasn't afraid to admit his intentions. The thing that stops me from going to Clay, besides the fact that I don't love him, is that he's a spook, a true spook. He can't be trusted; his job is to be deceitful, secretive. I can't live with that, I can't live not knowing where the man I'm with is, what he's doing. I can't live every day knowing that he's in danger, that he could lose his life at any time. I can't live knowing that every time he walks out the door I may never see him again.'
'I know I'm being hypocritical; I just finished doing that exact thing to Harm. He may not say it but I know he loves me, and I left him high and dry, I realize that now. He didn't know where I was, only that I was with Webb and in a very dangerous situation. But when things got tight he did everything he could to come after me. God, I don't think I ever even thanked him. But that was just one mission, a favour for Clay, I don't do that for a living. Now every night he's gone I'm going to worry about Harm. I won't be able to sleep; I never can when he's in danger. Every time he goes out to a carrier to do his quals or even on an investigation that I'm not with him, I have the nightmares. His stunts don't help, I have a growing repertoire of nightmares; Harm floating in the freezing ocean the night before my wedding, Harm with the dirty nuke on his tail, going up with unstable pilots, Russia, Paraguay, the list goes on and on. Now that list is going to grow, and since my flyboy can't tell me where he's going or what he's doing my imagination is going to be working overtime thinking up the worse possible scenarios. With the luck I've been having recently I'm not going to sleep well and end up sleep walking through a case and get fired. But this isn't about me; it's about him, it's about Harm.'
'I can't let Harm do this, maybe if I tell the admiral what Harm's up to he'll reconsider taking him back. No, with the admiral's attitude these days that would be suicide. But I can't let Harm do this! The logical part of my brain is telling me that he's going to be flying, he's not a field agent, but since when have I been logical about Harm?' 'I have to go back, convince him not to do this, to find a civilian law firm and to stay the man I fell in love with, and stay on the ground. That'll never happen; Harm wouldn't stop flying, even for me. Flying is who Harm is. Only problem is you mix flying and Harm's hero complex and the hurt in his eyes that I caused and that only leaves one option, the CIA. Not to mention he owes them for telling him where to find me. There's nothing I can do to stop him, I lost that right in front of the hotel in Paraguay. God why did I have to say those things? Why didn't he fight back? Why am I still standing here when I could be doing something about it?'
'There's only one thing left to try, I have to tell him the truth. I have to stop being the stubborn jarhead and let my walls down. I'm going to his apartment and I'm waiting until he gets home, and I'm not leaving until he knows how I feel! If I'm lucky he'll agree to try to find a way to keep flying without the CIA. Then maybe when the admiral cools down a bit, a lot, he'll reconsider pulling some strings to get Harm back in.'
End POV
Mac walked out of the hospital, got in her 'vette and headed for Harm's. She climbed the stairs to his apartment took a deep breath and let herself in. She sat on the couch and waited for her flyboy and the most important conversation of her life.
The end
Mac's POV
'No, no, no, this is not happening. I did NOT just hear Harm say that he joined the CIA. Harm would never do that; he's too honest, loyal and honourable. Joining the CIA will ruin him. It would break his spirit and his heart, he's just not cut out to be a spook.'
'I know I told him that it would never work between us but that doesn't mean that I don't love him. I know that Webb loves me, and like I told Harm it was nice having someone who wasn't afraid to admit his intentions. The thing that stops me from going to Clay, besides the fact that I don't love him, is that he's a spook, a true spook. He can't be trusted; his job is to be deceitful, secretive. I can't live with that, I can't live not knowing where the man I'm with is, what he's doing. I can't live every day knowing that he's in danger, that he could lose his life at any time. I can't live knowing that every time he walks out the door I may never see him again.'
'I know I'm being hypocritical; I just finished doing that exact thing to Harm. He may not say it but I know he loves me, and I left him high and dry, I realize that now. He didn't know where I was, only that I was with Webb and in a very dangerous situation. But when things got tight he did everything he could to come after me. God, I don't think I ever even thanked him. But that was just one mission, a favour for Clay, I don't do that for a living. Now every night he's gone I'm going to worry about Harm. I won't be able to sleep; I never can when he's in danger. Every time he goes out to a carrier to do his quals or even on an investigation that I'm not with him, I have the nightmares. His stunts don't help, I have a growing repertoire of nightmares; Harm floating in the freezing ocean the night before my wedding, Harm with the dirty nuke on his tail, going up with unstable pilots, Russia, Paraguay, the list goes on and on. Now that list is going to grow, and since my flyboy can't tell me where he's going or what he's doing my imagination is going to be working overtime thinking up the worse possible scenarios. With the luck I've been having recently I'm not going to sleep well and end up sleep walking through a case and get fired. But this isn't about me; it's about him, it's about Harm.'
'I can't let Harm do this, maybe if I tell the admiral what Harm's up to he'll reconsider taking him back. No, with the admiral's attitude these days that would be suicide. But I can't let Harm do this! The logical part of my brain is telling me that he's going to be flying, he's not a field agent, but since when have I been logical about Harm?' 'I have to go back, convince him not to do this, to find a civilian law firm and to stay the man I fell in love with, and stay on the ground. That'll never happen; Harm wouldn't stop flying, even for me. Flying is who Harm is. Only problem is you mix flying and Harm's hero complex and the hurt in his eyes that I caused and that only leaves one option, the CIA. Not to mention he owes them for telling him where to find me. There's nothing I can do to stop him, I lost that right in front of the hotel in Paraguay. God why did I have to say those things? Why didn't he fight back? Why am I still standing here when I could be doing something about it?'
'There's only one thing left to try, I have to tell him the truth. I have to stop being the stubborn jarhead and let my walls down. I'm going to his apartment and I'm waiting until he gets home, and I'm not leaving until he knows how I feel! If I'm lucky he'll agree to try to find a way to keep flying without the CIA. Then maybe when the admiral cools down a bit, a lot, he'll reconsider pulling some strings to get Harm back in.'
End POV
Mac walked out of the hospital, got in her 'vette and headed for Harm's. She climbed the stairs to his apartment took a deep breath and let herself in. She sat on the couch and waited for her flyboy and the most important conversation of her life.
The end