The disclaimer is a devious degenerate defender of the devil. Okay, this was going to be a standalone, but I've decided to have Magneto torture the rest of his team. So here goes. Oh, and excuse the grammar.

"No see, what I'm thinking is we could move this chair over here," Pyro said to his comrades, which included Gambit, Colossus, and Sabretooth.

"This is dumb," Sabretooth groaned. "Why are we even decorating this stupid room?!"

"Magneto told us to, so we gotta do it!"

"You chumps have to do everything he tells you, don't you?!" Sabretooth growled. "I don't need this! I'm getting out of here!"

"Where are you off to now, Vic?" Gambit asked. Sabretooth roared at the name. "Gonna have a snowball fight with the trees again?"

"C'mere, Cajun, I'm gonna skin you!"

"Sabretooth!" Magneto ordered. Sabretooth looked around, not sure where the voice had come from. "Sabretooth!" Sabretooth realized that the voice was coming from behind him. He spun around, but saw nobody. "SABRETOOTH! Get in my office, now!" The voice was still behind him. He spun around in place, trying to see what was happening.

"Er... where are you?"

"In my office!" Sabretooth still looked around. Magneto sighed. "Down the hall, the door at the very end."

"If you're all the way over there... how come I can hear you?"

"Didn't Gambit give you the radio like I asked him to?"

"He didn't give me anything, what are you-" Gambit pulled something off Sabretooth's back. It was the radio with a band of tape attached. "THAT'S IT!"

"SABRETOOTH! MY OFFICE! NOW!"

"I'll get you when we're through, Cajun!"

X-Men: Evolution

"Ninety Day Review: Sabretooth"

King of the Worthless

Magneto flipped through a stack of papers with the name 'Wyngarde, Jason' at the top, and stamped the top sheet three times. He placed the stack of papers into an Outgoing box on his metal desk. Sabretooth walked in and sat down. Several paperclips floated in midair above Magneto's desk in a figure-eight pattern.

"Sabretooth, good of you to join me. I've begun reviewing my employees, and you're next on the list. You've been here three months, correct?"

"Hey, I've been with you since the beginning!"

"Yes, of course... but for the sake of argument, let's say three months. I'm still working out the kinks in this review sheet, so you'll have to bear with me or else. Alright... state your name."

"Sabretooth."

"Tell me, is it spelled S-A-B-R-E or S-A-B-E-R?"

"Uh... I dunno."

"Very well. Real name?"

"Victor J. Creed."

"...J?"

"J is my middle initial."

"I know that you buffoon, what does it stand for?"

"Javier."

"...Javier."

"My mom was from Chile. She called me El Tigre! 'Cuz that means The Tiger."

"Your... I... see. Do you realize that Javier is a Spanish version of Xavier?"

"No. What does it matter?"

"Sabretooth, you've been a loyal member of my organization for three mon-"

"A year!"

"...Three months. Now, with a middle name like yours, there are certain risks."

"Yeah, like what?"

"Say I order you to assassinate Charles Xavier. You'd do that, wouldn't you?"

"Yeah! I'd do it just for the fun of it! C'mon, Erik, you know that!"

"Don't call me Erik."

"Magnus."

"Not that either."

"Magneto."

"Thank you. Now, let's assume that for whatever reason, you decide to instead defend Xavier. Let's assume he pays you a large sum. If my team were to face Xavier with you as his bodyguard, and I were to say 'Fool! You should be helping me, not Xavier!' then you could say, with all seriousness, 'XAVIER IS MY MIDDLE NAME!'."

"Uh... okay. If you say so."

"Your new middle name is Cletus."

"CLETUS?!"

"Would you prefer Janice?!"

"Actually, I WOULD!"

"Then your new middle name is Janice! Now then... what are your powers?"

"Hrmm... uh... I'm strong, I can heal quickly... uh... I've got super-senses."

"I see. You seem to be weaker than Colossus."

"Come on, he's made of metal!"

"Good point. Now why do I need two musclemen on my team?"

"Because I'm good at what I do!"

"WHICH IS?!"

"I'm an assassin!"

"Yes, and when was the last time you've assassinated anyone?!"

"I... uh..."

"Yes, some assassin. Now, when you joined, what long-term goals did you have?"

"Well, you said if I beat Wolverine, I could go with you in your fancy space house and we would all be happy there. So I beat Wolverine, and then your asteroid exploded and now I'm sitting around here."

"Are you deaf? I asked you what long-term goals you had!"

"Oh... uh... do some damage or something."

"Yes, to my reputation." Magneto wrote something down on his paper. "Alright, now let's talk about your uniform. You've been wearing that thing since you got here."

"You're still wearing that armor!"

"Yes, but I have several outfits and can afford to change into a different one while another is being washed."

"I've never seen you in another outfit."

"They all look the same."

"Well, I have a lot of the same outfit too!"

"No you don't."

"I DO TOO!"

"Your cape still has a ketchup stain. I remember you got that stain when Gambit suggested we all eat out that night, and it turned out to be a disaster."

"Yeah, well I haven't had a chance to change yet."

"That was two months ago."

"We went out again last night, it's a coincidence!"

"Interesting. Sabretooth, you will change your uniform at least once a week."

"But this is all I have!"

"ONCE A WEEK. One more thing, would it cost you anything to flush the toilet?"

"Flushing's for sissies!"

"Flushing is for people who are paid to be in my organization."

"Er, right. When's payday?"

"When I say it is!" Magneto wrote some more. "You have issues with authority, Sabretooth. Tell me, if I were to place Mastermind in charge, what would you do?"

"EAT HIS LIVER!"

"May I ask why?"

"I'VE BEEN HERE LONGER THAN HE HAS, I DESERVE TO BE LEADER!" Sabretooth picked up Magneto's desk and threw it against the wall. Magneto still sat at his chair with his arm raised as if his elbow were still leaning on the desk. He brought the desk back in place and wrote something down. "Er... I mean... I'd follow his every command!"

"You lack ambition. I expected you to stab him in the back to get what you wanted. You've gone soft, Sabretooth."

"WHAT?! YOU SET ME UP! YOU CHANGED THE QUESTION!"

"Enough!" Magneto wrote something down. "...Sabretooth, I understand you have issues with one of the X-Men. Which one is it?"

"WOLVERINE! YOU KNOW THAT!"

"Yes, yes... explain to me why you hate him."

"He's an X-Man!"

"You can do better than that."

"Well... uh... it had to do with Weapon X, and Logan did something or other and... uh... hrm. Actually, I can't remember."

"Yes, yes... Weapon X... now, it seems you have a history of problems with co-workers. Let me check your references..." Magneto looked through some papers and then brought a phone to him. "Yes, yes... Professor, of Weapon X? Hello, a pleasure to meet you, I'm Magneto, MASTER OF MAGNETISM! I'm here with a former employee of yours, a Mr. Creed... no, he doesn't go by Bigfoot... oh, you don't say?" Sabretooth growled. "Well, I'm calling about Sabretooth's past history, particularly his cooperation with other employees. Oh... OH! You don't say! YOU DON'T SAY! That's very interesting. Thank you for your time, Professor." Magneto pushed the phone away and wrote on the paper.

"Well, what was it?"

"HE DIDN'T SAY!" Pyro yelled from the door. Sabretooth hurled a stapler at him and Pyro ran down the hall, cackling.

"I'm afraid that due to your lack of cooperation, I'm going to have to cut your pay by fifteen percent."

"THAT'S INJUSTICE!"

"That's only two dollars."

"Er... oh. Is it?"

"Yes... you didn't know that?"

"I... uh..."

"Sabretooth, how much is this worth?" A quarter floated up to Sabretooth.

"Er... uh... a dollar?" The quarter hit Sabretooth on the forehead. "Okay, so I'm not good with money... you don't pay me to be!"

"Indeed. Here as an advance on next month's pay." Several pennies and a nickel flew into Sabretooth's hand.

"Gee, thanks... wait... LINCOLN ISN'T WORTH ANYTHING!"

"He's worth a cent... insubordination. You will change your uniform once a week, you will flush the toilet, and you will not bring dead animals into my base. Are we clear on this?"

"What am I supposed to eat?!"

"...Food. Thank you for your time, Sabretooth. Now I just have to process all this..." Magneto looked over the paperwork. "Oh yes, and get a haircut."

"NO!"

"Fair enough. You will shave once a week."

"You don't make Gambit shave!"

"Gambit is competant. Thank you for your ti-"

"I DEMAND A DO-OVER ON THIS REVIEW!"

"THANK YOU FOR YOUR TIME, SABRETOOTH." Magneto opened the door and pushed Sabretooth out. Sabretooth roared at the door as it slammed shut. He growled, scratched his head, and walked back to the main chamber. Mastermind was there, carrying wallpaper.

"You, what are you smiling about?!" Sabretooth growled.

"...I'm not. We're still decorating that room, if you need something to do."

"I'll decorate it... WITH YOUR BLOOD!" Sabretooth lunged at him. Mastermind dropped the wallpaper and raised his hands. His eyes were glowing blue and Sabretooth stopped. He stepped onto a crate. "I would like to thank the academy... for stuff. Uh... I guess I should thank Magneto, and Gambit, and Pyro and the metal guy... I dunno what they did, but this award is MINE!"

"There you are, what are you-" Gambit stopped as Sabretooth bowed, kissed in imaginary object in his hands and waved. "What in... what are you doing to the poor jackass?"

"He thinks he's getting an Oscar."

"...Does he realize he's not an actor?"

"My illusions have no basis on the subject's intelligence... he's completely oblivious."

"Make him sing!" Pyro yelled as he ran in.

"...HIT ME BABY ONE MORE TIME!" Sabretooth began to dance around.

"Okay, you can stop that now," Gambit said. "It's getting disturbing. Make him think he's watching a movie or something." Mastermind glared at him. "Well shucks, I'm out of ideas."

"What are you all doing here?!" Magneto roared. "Get back to work... Mastermind, are you playing with Sabretooth's mind?"

"Er... it was just... uh... self-defense!"

"...Make him think he's diving into a pool," Magneto commanded. Sabretooth, still on the crate, sniffed the air, stretched, and took a dive right onto the metal floor.

"YAAAAARGHHH!" As the Acolytes laughed, Mastermind accidentally loosened his hold on Sabretooth's mind. "WHAT'S GOING ON?! YOU! COME HERE, YOU!" Mastermind stopped laughing and ran down the hall, panicking as the murderous lion-man chased him.

"...Get back to decorating that room," Magneto told Gambit and Pyro, and then walked back to his office.

The End

Come on. Sabretooth's become a joke on the show. When's the last time you've seen him do anything competant?