The disclaimer says: SHUT DOWN ALL THE TRASH COMPACTORS ON THE DETENTION LEVEL! Mastermind and Sabretooth have been through the gauntlet, now it's time for everyone's favorite silent Russian, Omega- er, Colossus. Oh, and excuse the grammar.

Colossus sat in one of the meeting rooms, watching footage of the X-Men training, thanks to hidden cameras installed on the Institute Grounds. Pyro and Gambit sat with him, forced to watch it as part of their training.

"Now this is just stupid," Pyro complained. "Though I gotta admit, that Rogue's quite a dish... that tight black outfit suits her just fine..."

"Whoa, whoa, lay off my girl, Aussie," Gambit snapped.

"Your girl? Just 'cuz you've got pics of her plastered all over your walls doesn't make her your girl, mate!" Pyro kicked his chair and raised his flamethrowers. Gambit kicked over his own chair and reached into his trenchcoat. "LET'S FIGHT!"

"THEM'S FIGHTING WORDS!"

"Must you two persist in this bickering?" Colossus asked. They looked at each other, then turned their weapons to Colossus. "No, I do not wish to fight you. We are all comrades here, we shou-"

"HE SAID COMRADES!" Pyro yelled. "HAHAHAHAHAHA COMMIE! HE'S A COMMIE!"

"I am not a communi-"

"Colossus and Lenin, sittin' in a tree, F-U-C-"

"ENOUGH!" Colossus grabbed Pyro and threw him at Gambit. "I will not sit here as you mock me! I work very hard for my goals, and I earn my keep!"

"Is that why the boss had to blackmail you into joining?" Gambit asked.

"That is not your business."

"COLOSSUS!" Magneto's voice echoed through the halls. Colossus sighed and de-armored himself. After what had happened to Mastermind and Sabretooth, Colossus knew what Magneto's screaming could mean. That's right.

It was time for his ninety-day review.

X-Men: Evolution

"Part Three: Colossus"

King of the Worthless

Magneto sat at his desk again, tossing aside a stapled stack of papers with 'Creed, Victor' on them. On his metal desk was a a dancing metal marionette, which was dressed very similarly to Colossus. Colossus ignored the puppet and took his seat.

"Colossus, good of you to join me. I've done this twice already, and I think I have the hang of it. I know you're the strong, silent, stupid, expendable type, so we'll get right into this. What is your name?"

"I am Piotr Rasputin," Colossus said proudly.

"I don't like that name."

"...What?"

"It's too foreign. I'm going to rename you Peter Rasparovstowicz."

"But that is not my name!"

"IT IS NOW!"

"Do you not also have a foreign name?"

"I am Magneto."

"I recall that your name is Lehnsherr."

"I AM MAGNETO. IT'S IN THE DICTIONARY. LOOK IT UP." Magneto wrote something down angrily. "Your command of English is impressive."

"Thank you."

"Read this back to me." Magneto handed him a sheet of paper.

"Ah... uh... grarg dun chewie... uh... fargo... Fred Dukes?"

"NO! Let me read this for you, simpleton!" Magneto cleared his throat. "Magneto is the greatest man on Earth!" Magneto paused. "Where did you get Fred Dukes from?"

"I..."

"No matter. Now, explain your powers to me."

"I am capable of changing my skin into steel."

"No."

"No? I do not understand."

"You didn't mention your super-strength... forgetting your own powers?" Magneto wrote something else down. "Very well. When you joined this organization, what long-term goals did you have?"

"I wanted to make the world a safer place for mutants."

"No, really. Come on, we both know."

"...I had none. My family is captive and you are forcing me to move boxes all day!"

"There is a point to the boxes!"

"NO THERE IS NOT! I HAVE SEEN THEM! THEY ARE EMPTY!"

"WHY YOU-" Magneto stood up and pushed his hand forward. Colossus was pinned to the wall. "HOW DARE YOU TALK BACK TO ME?! I GAVE YOU SHELTER! I GAVE YOU A PURPOSE! I GAVE YOU A GREAT OUTFIT, AND THIS IS HOW YOU REPAY ME?!"

"Forgive me... I was mistaken."

"Let's hope so." Colossus was released, and he returned to his seat. "I understand you have a grudge rivalry with a member of the X-Men. Who is it?"

"Nobody. I have nothing against any of them."

"AND WHY NOT?!"

"I do not know them. I have no reason to hold anything against them. From what I have seen, they are good people."

"If you want to be a member of my team, I suggest you find a rival!"

"...I will do so," Colossus said, agreeing only to move on.

"No, not later. NOW. Choose one of the X-Men." Magneto pulled out a poster of the X-Men. "Now, the choices are a little limited, I'll admit. Professor Xavier is off-limits, someone already has claims on Wolverine, I'm sure Pyro has something against Iceman, and Gambit seems to have something against Rogue... or for Rogue. I forget, it's hard to tell with that boy. Everyone else is fair game."

"Uh... how about this one?"

"Storm? You're mad! Her lightning bolts, your metal skin, it would be a disaster!"

"Then... what about this one? He appears to be an even match."

"Beast?! Don't fool yourself, Colossus, you're out of his league... why don't you try Shadowcat?"

"But she is so young and fragile, it would be unfair."

"Nonsense! It's settled, Shadowcat is your rival. Now, how do you feel about Shadowcat?"

"I do not know, I have not had a chance to speak with her..." Colossus noticed Magneto's eyes narrow. "I cannot lie to you, Magneto. I cannot hurt someone who does not deserve it."

"YOU DARE TALK BACK?!"

"Yes!"

"Good. You are an individual who will not compromise his morals just to please his boss." Magneto wrote something down. "Colossus, I have a problem with your uniform."

"But this is the uniform you have provided."

"I can change my mind, can't I? It's black, with red and yellow. Do you see where I'm going with this?"

"No. I do not understand why those colors trouble you."

"They are..." Magneto stood up, place a forearm against the metal wall, and lowered his head, depressed. "...The national colors of Germany."

"I see... I am sorry if they offend you, sir."

"How would you know if they offend me?"

"You were oppressed by the Germans, were you not?"

"Yes, but under the Nazi regime... black, with red and WHITE. Your colors do not offend me because they are from Germany, Colossus..."

"Then why did you mention it?"

"IT WAS A TRICK!" Magneto hurled a stapler at Colossus's head, producing a loud CLANG. "Your emotions are your weakness! In reality..." Magneto once again held up the X-Men poster. "Wolverine, black with orange. Storm, black with blue and white. Cyclops, black with red and yellow. Nightcrawler, black with red and yellow. Spyke, black with red and yellow..."

"I understand. I will change my colors."

"What? Why? You fool, don't you see the potential in this? Dressed like an X-Men, not hated by the X-Men... you could infiltrate their ranks with ease."

"I am certain that they would realize I was not one of them."

"Possibly, but you can't discount the possibility, Colossus. You lack tactical skills." Magneto wrote some more. "Colossus, I understand that you don't get along with Gambit and Pyro. Why is this?"

"I have nothing against either, sir, but sometimes I feel they fight amongst themselves too often."

"They are TRAINING you imbecile!"

"No, they argue and fight outside of training exercises!"

"Well then that's a different matter. I'm glad you brought it to my attention, Colossus. I will write myself a note to remind myself to keep Gambit and Pyro from fighting." Magneto took out a Post-It pad and wrote 'memo to me- keep gambit/pyro from fighting' on it. He pulled the note off the pad, crumpled it up, and threw it in the levitating metal garbage can. "Do you have any concerns about your salary?"

"I do not have one."

"Well, I'm paying you by not killing your family."

"This is salary?"

"Yes. It's perfectly legal in the United States."

"I hate this country."

"COMMIE!" Pyro yelled from the door. Magneto threw a stapler at him and he ran off, rubbing his head.

"Are you keeping them safe?"

"No. They're in a damp, filthy cell. I feed them bread every day, and some dirty water, but nothing else. Do you have a problem with that, Colossus?"

"Yes, I do!" Colossus stood up. "If you will keep them as your prisoners, you will treat them well!"

"No!" Magneto pinned Colossus to the ceiling. "I will do as I please, and if you don't want me to cut their rations and limit their space, you will accept it, and you will do exactly as I tell you!"

"No! You will change your ways!"

"Who is going to make me? YOU?!"

"No, HER!" On Colossus's cue, Amanda Sefton walked into the room, carrying a slip of paper.

"What? Nightcrawler's girlfriend? How did you get in?"

"No, I'm Amanda Sefton, and I'm here representing the American Union of Mutant Laborers." Upon hearing the name of the organization, Magneto groaned and slammed his head against his desk. "As a member of our union, Mr. Rasputin is entitled to rights, rights that YOU have failed to respect! Number one, Mr. Rasputin is entitled to minimum wage! Number two, Mr. Rasputin cannot be forced to work more than forty hours a week, and any time spent in your employee that exceeds forty hours must be rewarded with his due wage per hour, plus an additional half of his wage per hour."

"Give me that!" Magneto took the paper and put on his reading glasses. As he read, Colossus dropped back to the floor. "...Number three, member is entitled to two weeks paid vacation three times a year... member is allowed time off during holidays... family is entitled to fair treatment if held against the wishes of member... oh, fine! Your family gets a suite and three meals a day!"

"A house in New York, three meals a day, running water, electricity, heating and plumbing, and cable television!" Amanda demanded.

"VERY WELL!" Magneto was an evil mutant terrorist, but he didn't dare go against a labor union. "But they have no phone or internet services, they cannot leave their house, and Colossus cannot visit them!"

"Then we are in agreement." Amanda and Magneto began signing various papers. Amanda handed a pen to Colossus so that he could sign.

"I cannot visit my family? Not even speak with them through a telephone?"

"Sorry, Mr. Rasputin, but your rights don't extend that far. There's nothing we can do."

"It is better than nothing..." Colossus signed. Amanda shook hands with Magneto and left the room.

"There's no point finishing this review," Magneto said. "Since you're union, I can't just fire you if I don't like you. Besides, I've already gone through the trouble of taking your family, so it would be a complete waste to just let you walk... but I'm going to have to start... paying you..." Magneto said it with clear disgust. "And allowing you time off. Now, you're still on company time, so get back to work."

"I have the day off."

"What?! What holiday is it? It's not Thanksgiving already, is it?"

"No, it is the Day of Accord and Conciliation."

"What?" Magneto looked at a Russian calender. "That's a Soviet holiday."

"It is still a custom in my country, and I must have the day off."

"HE'S A COM-" Colossus punched Pyro in the face and let him drop to the floor with a thud. He walked back to Magneto's desk.

"FINE! Have your day off! Hiding behind your labor unions!" Colossus turned back to his flesh form and walked out of Magneto's office. Outside, Sabretooth dragged the unconscious Pyro down the hall, presumably to torture him for whatever reason once he came to. Mastermind was leaning against the wall.

"So you got off easy," he said. "Day off?"

"Yes."

"How did you manage that?"

"Union."

"Oh... do you think I could join?"

"No."

"Why not?"

"You do not work." Colossus took a duffel bag from his quarters and whistled as he walked out. Mastermind scratched his head for a moment.

"The man has a point." Mastermind took a yo-yo from his coat and, with nothing else to do, happily walked down the hall.

The End

I had to vary the review a little, so I threw the labor thing in. Two reviews left, how am I going to pull that off? This begs the question... who's next: Pyro or Gambit??