The disclaimer chills in deep space, a mask is over its face, well it delivers the prize, but it still narrows its eyes, 'cuz its time it don't like to waste (GET DOWN)! The others have paid their dues, time after time, they've done their sentence, but committed no crime... and bad mistakes, I've had a few... I've had my share of sand kicked in my face, but I've come through...

...and I need to go on and on and on and on

WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE ARE THE CHAMPIONS, MY FRI-

Sorry, got carried away. Anyway, here's Gambit. Oh, and excuse the grammar.

Gambit watched as Colossus carried one of Magneto's giant metal spheres around. Sabretooth carried another, though he had a harder time with it.

"What are you boys up to?" he asked.

"Getting ready for a mission," Sabretooth said. "Magneto didn't tell you?"

"No. Probably not too important if I'm not involved."

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!" Magneto's voice resonated throughout the metal base. Moments later, he flew out of his office, clutching his hand. "Gambit! I want you to find every stapler in this base and have it destroyed!"

"Did you staple your hand?"

"YES! The staplers are a menace... this is my writing hand, too... how am I supposed to finish your review if I can't hold a pen?"

"Aw, now that's too ba-"

"Of course! I'll have Mastermind hold it!"

"...Dang..."

X-Men: Evolution

"Part Five: Gambit"

King of the Worthless

Magneto sat at his desk, still rubbing his bandaged hand. Next to his helmet was a small box filled with narrow rods of metal. Magneto stuck his good hand into it, and the rods were pushed out to form a copy of his hand. Playing around with it some with his power, he made his helmet, a dog, Gambit, Professor Xavier, and then a representation of a cartoony Magneto flying a kite. He cleared his throat and the rods returned to their normal, neutral position. Next to this desk toy was Mastermind sitting in a chair with a clipboard, prepared to write.

"Gambit, you are among my most loyal. If it were up to me, I wouldn't even have to evaluate you, I would simply keep you on my team without question."

"It's not up to you?"

"It is, but..."

"But...?"

"Shut up. Now then... Gambit, you have been with my team for three months. In this time, you have done good work for me, but I need to fill this out. Now let's see... real name?"

"LeBeau... Rembrandt LeBeau..." Gambit winked at him and grinned.

"..."

"But you can call me Remy, cherie..." Magneto stared at Gambit in shock and awe.

"...Right, Remy LeBeau... now, I need your age, sex and place of birth."

"Cherie, I'm old enough to be your brother... but not too old to be your lover..." Gambit got up out of his chair and sat on Magneto, crossing his legs. He leaned down to him. "But enough about me, tell me about you..."

"..."

"Oh, silent, eh, cherie? Well, I know just how to fix tha-"

"MASTERMIND, STOP IT!" Magneto's desk toy hit Mastermind in the chest and Gambit appeared to come out of a trance. He stood up suddenly and looked around, completely shocked.

"Aw, wha? What in... where'd Rogue go?" Gambit quickly stood up, looking around.

"Forget it. We're doing a review here. Mastermind, make sure to write me a memo reminding me to punish you later. Gambit, age, sex and place of birth, NOW!"

"Er... seventeen, male, New Orleans."

"You are not seventeen."

"Well sure I am. It's on my ID." Gambit took a driver's license and put it on Magneto's desk.

"Well, everything seems to be in order. Your eyes and facial hair must make you look older, but I'm not one to doubt the Deparmnet of Pubic Safty."

"Yeah, you see? It's all go-"

"You idiot, whoever made this card for you didn't know how to spell properly!"

"Actually, it was satire," Mastermind said. Magneto and Gambit both stared at him. "That is, I'm sure it was meant as satire... whoever it was that made it."

"Mastermind, put down twenty-one for Gambit's age."

"Aw, come on, I'm a minor!"

"Gambit, Colossus was lucky. You're not going to weasel your way into applying child labor laws to your situation."

"Dang, alright. More fun being the legal age anyway," Gambit said, though he did sound very disappointed and sarcastic.

"Gambit, what are your powers?"

"Well, it's very simple, really," Gambit took a pack of cards from his coat and shuffled them between his hands. "In my hands, anything's a lethal weapon. Joker?" Gambit took the joker card, charged it, and casually threw it at Mastermind. Mastermind blew at it, and it drifted back to Gambit. "Aw, son of a-"

"Enough horseplay!" A metal sphere wrapped around the card and contained the explosion. "Let's move on. When you joined, what goals did you have in mind?"

"I wanted to see the world, meet new people... kiss new women."

"Hmph, kiss," Mastermind mumbled.

"I'm not gonna go into details in front of the boss!"

"You probably don't even how to handle your equipment."

"Now wait a minute! I can handle this staff as well as I can handle any other!"

"Poor evaluation of his own abilities, poor social skills with co-workers, write that down!" Gambit sneered at Mastermind as he wrote it down. "Now that you're here, what long-term goals have you established?"

"To fight the X-Men."

"...That's it?"

"Well, that's what you want, isn't it?"

"NO! I want you to help me in oppressing humanity and bringing about the glorious new age of mutants!"

"Uh... where is that in my contract?"

"..."

"Come on, you've never made your goals very clear. All we ever really do is sit here and fight the X-Men."

"Are you truly so ignorant, Gambit?"

"He has a point," Mastermind said.

"Don't gang up on me! Gambit, you are the vanguard of my team, you of all should know that I wish to put humans in their rightful place!"

"I would've known if you'd said something! All you do is go, 'hey Gambit, go beat up this guy! Hey Gambit, steal this thing for me! Hey Gambit, I need your advice regarding the opposite sex!'"

"Maybe you should pay attention during my weekly speech!"

"What speech, you just come out and tell us to work harder!"

"Yes, work harder at oppressing humanity!"

"By humanity, do you mean all humans?"

"YES," Magneto said through clenched teeth.

"Hrm. That includes mutants too, right?"

"ARGH!" Magneto threw his desk toy at Gambit, who ducked it. "Stupid, unobservant, and incapable of understand simple concepts, write that down!"

"Now what's the problem, what did Gambit say?"

"That's another thing I wanted to talk to you about. If you're going to be on my team, you will refrain from referring to yourself in third person. It's very... oh, how to put this..."

"Stupid?" Mastermind suggested.

"Quiet, you. It's very dumb."

"Well I'm not really comfortable speaking in first person. I have to set myself out from the rest of these losers. How about second person?"

"Fine, fine, whatever," Magneto said absentmindedly. "Gambit, you seem to have an infatuation with Rogue. Why is this?"

"You know you're fine, Rogue can't resist you. Rogue should just accept that you're her big daddy."

"Hmm. A surprising suggestion, but intriguing, nonetheless. Mastermind, write a memo to me. 'Magneto- romance Rogue.'"

"Hey, hey, Rogue's YOUR girl!"

"Yes, I'm feeling quite confident now. Mastermind, write another memo to me. 'Magneto- make reservations downtown.'"

"Rogue is YOUR girl, so he'd better lay off!"

"He? It appears I have a rival for the affections of Rogue."

"You're telling Magneto to lay off your girl and stay away from her!"

"A little abstract, but I like the concept. She may be turned off by the mutant conqueror... Mastermind, memo. 'Magneto- don't go as Magneto, go as Erik. Girls like sincerity and honesty.'"

"HEY! STAY AWAY FROM MY FUCKING GIRL, BUCKETHEAD!" Gambit yelled. He took three charged cards and threw them at him. Magneto blocked them all with a metal panel he had handy, then smacked Gambit in the face with it.

"Calm down, Gambit. I am aware of what second-person speech is. You have anger issues. Write that down." Mastermind wrote it down with a smile on his face. "I mean, me and Rogue, I've got at least fifty years on her. Plus she's a minor... I could go to JAIL!" He exchanged glances with Mastermind before they both laughed at the idea.

"W-well, okay... just don't go near my girl."

"Gambit, Pyro and Colossus tell me you haven't been studying the files I assigned you."

"I got more important things to do."

"Such as?"

"Well, I went to Rogue's and I sat on her balcony and watched her sleep."

"And they say I'm creepy," Mastermind mumbled.

"Hey, I was just watching out for her... sweet, sweet Rogue... sleeping like an angel... warm under her covers... soft, moist skin..."

"Gambit, you ARE aware of Rogue's powers, aren't you?"

"Of course, I ain't stupid. She can absorb other peoples' powers and memories."

"You are aware of the limitations to Rogue's powers?"

"Yeah... she can't... uh... absorb the... uh..." Gambit looked down. "No."

"She can't control her power."

"WHAT?!" Gambit jumped out of his seat. "No, there's gotta be a way, she's too gorgeous!"

"That's the way it is, Gambit. Look but don't touch."

"Looks like the staff's gonna have to twirl itself tonight..."

"...I'm going to ignore that. Gambit, I want to talk to you about your uniform."

"Rogue liked it." Gambit pouted.

"Actually, so do I. Except the hair."

"What's wrong with my hair?"

"You look like you're seventeen."

"...Because I am."

"YOU ARE NOT. Actually, shave that thing on your chin. Maybe then you could pass for seventeen. What is that, anyway? Who are you trying to impress?"

"Why you, of course." Gambit cocked an eyebrow and smiled.

"Mastermind, I told you not to do that!"

"...I'm not doing anything"

"...Oh my God." Gambit got up out of his chair and sat on Magneto, crossing his legs. He leaned down to him. "Back where I come from, a little bit goes a long way..."

"Gambit, I hope that you are aware of my heterosexuality."

"Completely." Gambit grinned and winked at him.

"So tell me why you're doing this."

"You're a big, strong conqueror... I like that in a man... so how about you jump up and lay down on this table so I can have sex with you?"

"You have sex with me?!?!"

"What?! HOW DARE YOU! That is sexual harrassment!" A high-priced lawyer stormed into the room at Gambit's cue.

"I have been informed that you have been sexually harrassing my client," he said.

"I got evidence, too, mon ami." Gambit pulled out a tape recorder.

"You have sex with m-" the taped Magneto said.

"Oh, this is good, this is good, we've got a huge case on our hands!" The lawyer cleared his throat, straightened his tie, and faced Magneto. "Mr. Lehnsherr, the charges we will present in court are most severe."

"...Did I mention I'm seventeen?"

"Sexually harrassing a minor! Mr. Lehnsherr, we will have your ass for this!"

"HE'S NOT SEVENTEEN!"

"According to his driver's license, he is seventeen, and I have more reason to trust the Deparmnet of Pubic Safty than you, Mr. Lehnsherr. We will see you in court."

"Wait, could I hear that tape one more time?" Magneto asked. "I want to know what's being used against me."

"Certainly," Gambit said.

"No, no, Mr. LeBeau, I would not advise that!" Before his lawyer could stop him, Gambit played the tape again. When it was done, it produced a strange buzzing noise. Gambit looked at it, confused, rewound it and played it back. There was nothing. "AAARGH! YOU JUST LOST OUR EVIDENCE!"

"It was a risk, I admit... but that's what I'm all about." The lawyer stormed out of the office. Gambit sighed and sat back down.

"It's not a total loss, Gambit," Magneto said. Mastermind wrote something down. "Your skills are impressive, and so you will be given a new job with this organization accordingly. You are free to go now."

"Er... thank you... sir..." Gambit shook Magneto's hand and walked towards the door.

"Give me my watch back."

"Hehe, just a little joke there..." Gambit gave Magneto a gold watch and walked out.

"I wasn't aware you wore a watch with your costume," Mastermind said.

"I don't. Gambit is a creature of habit. Pawn this for me." Mastermind caught the watch. "Now, let's see what you've writ... Mastermind, what is this?"

"What is what?"

"THIS!" Magneto held up the review sheet and found that there was no writing, only some doodling. A stick-figure Mastermind was standing next to a car and a house and hitting a stick-figure Magneto with a stick.

"Just a joke, just a joke!" Mastermind waved his hand, and the doodles disappeared, replaced by a properly filled-out sheet. Just to make sure it wasn't an illusion, Magneto put on his helmet.

"Er... good. Good. File that for me." Outside, in the main chamber, Gambit wore a frown on his face. He held his staff, twirled it around, and hit something on the floor. Pyro happened to be walking by.

"Aw, why so gloomy?"

"Fuck off, Pyro, I ain't in the mood."

"No, really, what's wrong?" Gambit twirled the staff so that the end that was on the floor was now at eye-level with Pyro. Gambit's staff had been fitted with an attachment that turned it into a mop. Pyro held back a giggle and just started walking away. Once he was down the hall, he burst out into full-blown maniacal cackling. Gambit reached into his coat and charged a card. Before he could hurl it at Pyro, he stopped to see which card it was.

"Departmen of Pubic Safty- LeBeau, Rembrandt"

"Fucking Mastermind."

The End

Gambit has officially been reviewed. That's everyone, so what's next? Nothing. It's over. Go home.