You are now the proud owner of a NEIL!
To ensure that you obtain the best performance possible from your technician,
please follow the enclosed guidelines.
TECHNICAL SPECIFICATIONS
Name: Neil Fleming
Type: Soldier (Technician 1st Class)
Manufacturers: Officers' Fabrication Quarters, Inc.
Date of Manufacture: Feb. 23rd, 2038
Height: 5 feet 7 inches
Weight: 149.9 lbs.
Length: Approx. 30 inches (See
attached weapon specifications for precise details)
INSTALLATION
Before unpacking your NEIL, you must ensure that the following necessary precautions have been taken:
Childproof locks installed anywhere you wish to keep private. Only install childproof locks, as all others will be easily broken into.
Childproof all electrical sockets and hide all electrical hazards. This includes all toasters and silverware.
Carefully hide the keys to any and all motor vehicles, VTOL craft, or helicopters you may own. Please note that hiding them in the pockets of your jeans will prove ineffective, but may prove stimulating.
Install any and all computers with new
security software and passcodes. It will not be effective, but you will
feel secure; and ignorance is bliss.
After you have secured your home, ensure the area that will first be encompassing your NEIL is on the metallic gray side – preferably with a dull yellow or orange glow from any windows nearby to ease it into its new environment. Unpack and enjoy.
***NOTE*** Your NEIL may arrive wide-eyed,
disoriented, and skeptical. The former two should soon fade to a happy
chatter that you will become accustomed to, and the latter should wane
some but will not disappear entirely.
ACCESSORIES
Your NEIL Unit has been packed with the latest in USMF equipment, technology, and software. Please take a moment to ensure you have the following:
(a) G302D – A Oersted Induced 12 gauge S Nocturne Rifle
(b) Hound Wasteland Survival Armor
(c) AN/SUS - 9C Nightmare Helmet
(e) Bland Steel Survival Knife.
(f) Slate Gray BDUs for those casual days
(g) Lead underwear, lovingly embroidered
with name and the catchy USMF logo, courtesy of the PKD Association of
Health and Radiation Awareness
***NOTE*** Extra Bio-Etherium for powering weapon and reconnaissance equipment sold separately.
***CAUTION*** Armor is used for protection
from radiation, debris, and friendly fire ONLY. It does not protect against
exposure to the PHANTOM virus.
OPERATING PROCEDURE
We are sure that everyone interested in
the model has his or her own ideas of what it can be best utilized for.
However, in addition to the obvious labors you may have already devised
(e.g. looking pretty), your NEIL is adeptly capable of a number of intricate
tasks, including but not limited to:
Electrician: Although supervision
is necessary, you can save on the cost of rewiring your home by taking
down the wall and letting your NEIL do its thing. You may still have to
hire someone to re-plaster your walls, but the wiring will be infallible
under most circumstances.
Mechanic: Your NEIL is programmed in the art of fixing or altering objects of an advanced mechanical nature. This includes, but is not limited to: standard vehicles, maintenance panels, and any boot-like devices used to impound your spacecraft.
***NOTE*** From time to time, your NEIL may conduct electricity. This is normal, but not to be encouraged.
***WARNING*** Technicians are of a curious
nature, and may take apart appliances for fun, to 'make it better' or to
'borrow' parts to construct their own devices. All mechanical assignments
and augmentations should be supervised with extreme care.
Mathematics: From arithmetic to
advanced trigonometry, there is no better skill for which your NEIL is
capable. Unless it's an important equation, in which case you'd better
hire a college professor or one of equal merit to double check.
Chauffeur: Your NEIL will be gleeful to provide you a wild ride to wherever you need to be.
***NOTE*** Trips in ground based vehicles have the potential to be rather bumpy. For best results, use an air-based craft.
***WARNING*** If traveling with a GRAY,
be sure to gag and tie the intrusive unit to its seat, as it may distract
your NEIL with ideas of a dangerous, impaling nature.
Matchmaking: In conjunction with
a RYAN, your NEIL will be more than happy to assist in stranding potential
lovers in hard to reach places. However, be forewarned that their timing
will not always be punctual enough to obtain the desired results.
Hacking: If you have the need to
find a portion of information that should, in all rights, belong to you,
you will be pleased with your NEIL's ability to 'retrieve' data with a
naturally scientific precision.
PRECAUTIONS
Your NEIL is highly susceptible to electric
shock – to avoid irreparable damaged your unit, ensure all wires, sockets,
and generators are childproofed at all times. Repeated exposure to electricity
is dangerous, and, your NEIL may even become addicted.
CLEANING AND MAINTENANCE
Your NEIL has been preprogrammed with the latest in self-cleaning information. However, it may feel intimidated without the presence of others while showering. If this problem occurs, you may have to assist in the first few showers or baths for moral support.
Once it is able to shower by itself, you may hear an odd cadence sound from the vicinity of the bathroom. Chances are good that your NEIL is not drowning, but you are advised to check from time to time to determine whether or not CPR will be necessary.
*** NOTE *** There has been a persistent
bug in the NEIL model where scruffiness is persistent, despite frequent
or incessant grooming. If you prefer less scruff and more buff, you may
want to invest in a GRAY model instead.
COMPATIBILITY
Your NEIL comes complete with a very charming personality. However, it must be noted that long-term exposure may make other models jealous of its wit and intelligence. Models of similar intellect may be able to stand interaction for much longer than models that do not understand its genius, or models that have interacted with a NEIL before.
***CAUTION*** There is a documented issue with interaction between the NEIL and JANE models. To ensure the safety of your NEIL, do not attempt an interaction unless the JANE has been taken out of default settings.
***CAUTION*** There is a program illegally
created by a certain party which will set NEIL's default interaction behavior
to YAOI. While we understand your desire for such a program, please wait
until a safe, tested, and legitimate alternative becomes available.
DISCIPLINE
If your NEIL takes up habits dangerous or not of your liking (e.g. shoving silverware into electrical sockets to conduct electricity to itself, refusing to obey perfectly rational commands, routinely missing curfew for inexplicable and inconstant reasons), you will want to take the following steps to remove the unwanted behavior:
*Procure a plastic spray bottle
*Fill plastic spray bottle with water
*Keep it close at hand to discipline when required
*Repeat until the offending habit has been extinguished
***NOTE*** If spraying your NEIL with water
becomes an ineffective form of discouragement, you may need to devise a
new method of discipline (e.g. spanking, refusal of joy rides, threat of
castration). For more suggestion and useful information on the subject,
please consult the Big Book of Better Castigation from Promised
Land Press.
FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS
Q: My NEIL prattles indecently or whines, cracks wise, and refuses to listen to authority. How do I get it to shut up, be sensitive, or take orders?
A: The issue is well known and has recently
become a feature. If this is not to your liking, you may wish to replace
your NEIL with a RYAN or GRAY model instead.
Q: My NEIL has been bruised and is tender. What gives?
A: If you opted for the refurbished
model, this is perfectly normal. If this is not the case, or if it has
been a long time since you unpacked your NEIL and it has since healed,
it may have come into unsupervised contact with a JANE unit.
Q: I purchased the PHANTOM SCANNER accessory, to ensure my models' health, but my NEIL refuses to go near it on the grounds that the SCANNER will cause sterility. Is this true?
A: The rumor that PHANTOM detection
technology causes sterility was perpetrated by a certain MAJOR unit as
an excuse for a particular malfunction. Either your NEIL is unaware of
the truth, or it is being a stubborn bastard.
Q: My NEIL doesn't resemble the picture in the catalogue I ordered from. It has the "bright blue eyes," as advertised, but has bright blue hair to match, pointed ears, and comes garbed in suede leather with none of the accessories listed. Is this a new model?
A: You have been accidentally issued
a unit from an entirely separate set. Be forewarned that this model is
highly unstable and you should contact your retailer immediately for a
full refund or replacement of the proper make.
Q: The accidental issue is kind of cute… can I keep it?
A: You are advised to check the
obituaries and corresponding homicide reports for the years 594 through
4315 in the age of CHAOS for a creature with a remarkably similar description
to the one currently residing in your living room. If you still wish to
keep it, you may do so without warrantee.
TROUBLESHOOTING
Problem: Your NEIL insisted some time ago that it wanted to reproduce, but it seems to be having trouble on its own.
Solution: You may want to invest in a JANE unit professionally set to the 'Pining' setting. If that does not work properly, you can return it for an AKI, which may be more receptive.
***WARNING*** Attempting to breed your NEIL with an AKI unit may result in unwanted attention from a GRAY unit.
***WARNING*** The interaction of your factory condition NEIL with a GRAY that has been infected with the illegal YAOI program is most dangerous, and will prove psychologically damaging.
***WARNING*** Under no circumstances should
you resort to the counterfeit models (e.g. SIERRA, MOLLY) for your NEIL's
breeding purposes, recreational or otherwise, as there is a potential for
an incapability in software, or other damage that will not be covered under
your warrantee.
Problem: Your NEIL has been talking to itself, screaming about the other in its head, and is getting downright creepy.
Solution: Your NEIL has been infected
with the K42 virus, which installs the memory of a HEIN model over your
unit's memory. Your only options are to wait it out or have it professionally
reset to factory settings.
Problem: Your NEIL has suddenly become solemn and intensely focused on its work.
Solution: Eliminate any dangers
in the area, and your NEIL will be back to its chirpy self in mere minutes.
Problem: Your NEIL has ceased operation suddenly and unexpectedly.
Solution: There is a high probability
that your NEIL has succumbed to the PHANTOM virus. Evacuate the area immediately.
Once the EIGHT SPIRITS patch has been run, you may return and reclaim your
NEIL. Please consider ordering a replacement model or purchasing the REVIVAL
software.
Problem: You came home to find your NEIL curled up and whimpering or sobbing on the sofa.
Solution: Immediately eject the
Final Fantasy disk from your DVD player, then stroke and pet your
NEIL until it feels better. Under no circumstances should you allow your
NEIL to be exposed to that particular disk; contrary to popular belief,
it will not help your NEIL regain any characteristics lost.
FINAL NOTE - WARRANTEE
Due to the potency of the PHANTOM virus,
we are unable to fulfil warrantees for your NEIL past Dec. 15th,
2065 unless you have installed the protective AU software. However, despite
the PHANTOM weakness, the NEIL model has proven unbelievably resilient
when it comes to both physical torture and mental torment. We have tested
this extensively and pledge the utmost performance in whatever rough and
tumble activities you have planned.
The above was written with permission of Theresa Green, the author of the Owner's Guide series (The Lord of the Rings fanfiction) Check them out - they're well worth it.
(Of course, I don't own FF:TSW, or pretty much anything else.)