Series: Tokyo Babylon (still my current obsession)
Rating: PG-ish
Date: 11/11/03
Warnings: evil stream of consciousness, point of view, Seishirou rambling and he's not sure why, discontinuities.
Disclaimer: I don't own any part of Tokyo Babylon, and that includes Seishirou's sanity... if I owned it, I'd try to fix it.
Notes: These are *UNSENT* letters. But it'd be amusing if they did accidentally fall into the wrong hands... One line stolen from the OST track "Yuuzai". I've got it on loop along with "Blue Desert", which I stole from CLAMP, 'cuz it was their tankubon seven muse. Writing Seishirou's mind is always difficult, because he's such a jerk, deep down, and I refuse to believe it... It's hard for me to slip into that mindset. Anyway, here we go.




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Dear Subaru-kun,

I might as well begin with the trite opening for a letter, asking about your health and so forth. You know I'm not one to neglect proper style.

How have you been? I expect you're still as cute as ever. How has the clan leadership role worked out for you? I never could picture you as the leader of anything, but don't let that lead you to believe I don't have confidence in your abilities. In fast, with a little less stringent self-discipline, your jitsu would surely rival mine. Hokuto always knew that, she was a clever sister. Very clever.

One might find it interesting that my daily routine has changed -- quite a bit -- since two years ago. Perhaps it's needless to say, but I'm no longer a veterinarian at the clinic (my clients were less than pleased at my performance). And it was pointless to continue the practice. It was just a tool, if a fun diversion for a few years… You thought it was wonderful, and it served me as a useful buffer, but that's all it ever was.

So what am I doing now these days? You could say I've begin to focus more on my… primary vocation. It pays well, and the hours are attractively flexible. As far as benefits are concerned, they could be better, but I don't need health insurance. Pension and life insurance are a laughable concept, so I guess I can't complain.

An assassin with my abilities doesn't think in terms of failure.

Really, I never expected to fail at anything.

Was that why I made the bet with you? I wonder if I'd made it expecting to win, or in hopes to lose… I have to admit that I'm not sure, myself, who the winners and losers were, all said and done. Confusion doesn't suit me.

When I saw you for the first time, and you cried over the pain you honestly had nothing to do with, I knew you were self-sacrificingly empathetic.

Really, Subaru-kun. You should get a medal for giving me the first problem I couldn't understand. I really can't stand disorder (you should see my apartment… hm… that could be fun… but I'm getting off subject), so it was supremely tempting to take some time to solve this question. What makes you empathize with someone else's pain?

There's just no benefits to your empathy. You take on significant burdens without reward, making yourself noticeably worse off. And for, maddeningly, no reason.

It's illogical, Subaru-kun. I couldn't fathom it. So I asked you to teach me. Make me learn why you find it so important to care about someone you've never met, someone who doesn't matter to you.

If you could make me care about you, of all people, your life was worth preserving. Such simple terms! I thought it was poetic genius on my part, a flash of insight of which I was quite proud. The most complex and interesting games are based on a few very simple rules.

Perhaps it was a small bit of apprehension on my part that made me stir the sakura wind just then. And then block your memory. I couldn't have you blab to your grandmother and the current clan head, because that would have been suicide on my part, and quite illogical… But like any good thief, I left carefully chosen clues.

Your pentagrams. Aren't they beautiful, bonding us together as long as we live? They were an afterthought, I'll admit, just an impulsive gesture, claiming you as mine…

Yes, you do know that you're mine to do with as I like, and I think you actually appreciate that element in our relationship, don't you? You enjoy your being possessed as much as I do. And you do look very attractive in black silk (Hmm… lots of black silk… oh dear, I'm going off subject again). Ah yes, your black gloves. Black is such an appropriate color, don't you think?

But I fear Hokuto would have violently disagreed with my fashion predilection. And it turns out we disagreed on more things than I anticipated, despite our seamless friendship. Did you know that she, like I, was your opposite? She was extraordinarily bubbly where you were sullen. She was vibrant where you were dark. Perhaps that's what drew me to her; we were both your opposites.

However, when she asked for her own death… As both a friend and an enemy, I had to oblige her. I hope you can understand, Subaru-kun. I don't really expect you to.

Actually, it's better for you to hate me. I hope you swear vengeance on your sister's life. It makes our preordained fates that much easier to accept. Fate is basically inescapable, and it's my opinion that we should face it with a certain acceptance. So much easier, don't you think, Subaru-kun?

I fear you'll always be my Subaru-kun. Quite mine. I do wonder why I always chose to call you "Subaru-kun". It implies a kind of… affection… I wanted to culture between us. Now that I think about it, I don't think I could tolerate the possibility of your belonging to anyone else. Your smell, your body, your voice…

Do you know how fragile you are? It's that fragility that makes me either want to either protect or destroy it.

It makes me disconcerted, Subaru-kun.

Almost as disconcerted as the thought that I may have lost my own bet. It's been increasingly difficult these past months. It was almost as if…

I was constantly more anxious. I smoked more. I lost sleep, too. It was when I lost my appetite, and had to remind myself (aloud) to eat something before I wasted away that I remembered. I hadn't seen that strawberry-like blush of yours in months.

Kill me now, I'm a hopeless romantic. But it was almost as if I were falling…

So I started following you last week; your pentagrams are fantastic locators. I'd watch you when you did jobs, and finally followed you back to your apartment.

(Stalking? Perhaps, but I prefer to call it 'watching over'. Hmm… semantics are amusing.)

You've grown taller. Thinner, too. Your eyes have lost some of their cool edge. And when you sleep, you have nightmares.

…You called out my name, last night.

You called my name in a fit of passion I couldn't identify. And it sounded suspended between revulsion, anger, and… something else my brain supplied on its own. Probably my own wishful thinking. But it sounded just as it did in the hospital that day, outside my door.

Three… four repetitions, and then it was swallowed in sobs, which were quickly and forcefully suppressed. Then silence.

Oh dear. My words are getting blurry of their own accord. I wonder if I'd completely destroyed the Subaru-kun I once knew… Not like it wasn't my right (you're still mine), but I liked having the option of preserving you, who was so delicate. Opportunity costs can be brutal.

I feel like a child who's lost a favorite… stuffed penguin.

Subaru-kun… what do you want?

How can I ask that; I already know the answer. Obviously, you want to revenge your sister. The clever girl knew you better than even I did, and gave you a quick means to do so. All I'd have to do is try to eliminate you. Simple… so simple! The most complex game based on the simplest set of rules. (Really, Hokuto and I were the best of friends for good reason.)

And letting me know about it put the ball in my hands. If I hated you, I'd just ignore you, and that would be pain enough. But if I didn't… and Hokuto knew full well what she was doing…

Clever Hokuto.

It's a way for me to seek forgiveness.

I understand now.

But will you be able to take on the responsibility of the title? Oh, of course you will. You'll be both of us, together, in one whole… Seamless. Once you're finished with me, it won't be a problem to fulfill the requirements.

You always did want to prove yourself. So, let me give you the chance. Revenge is the true equalizer, isn't it? It's what you want, and it's what I need.

I just pray (I've made) you hate me enough for this to work.


More Sincere than I've Ever Been,
Seishirou-san