Series: Tokyo Babylon (you could've guessed ^^)
Rating: PG-ish
Warnings: evil stream of consciousness, point of view, angry and angsty Subaru. owie owie.
Disclaimer: I don't own any part of Tokyo Babylon, and that includes Subaru's mind... He just lent it to me for a few hours while I wrote this. Nice guy.
Notes: Cliched? Yeah... Pretty much. I tried to give it new ideas to balance out the cliche'd-ness. Not part of the "WDMC" arc, simply because I don't have the time/energy/resources to work on it at the moment... This is part one of two, roughtly two years after the end of the bet. The next section will be Sei's POV.



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Dear Seishirou-san,

You're always such a bastard.

That's right. 'Cute Subaru-kun' called you a bastard. A long time ago (just two years?) I would have revolted at the thought. And maybe I still do, a little bit. But the nice, respectful, meek little me would have found a nicer word to call you than 'bastard'.

Something like 'admirable', perhaps, because you were everything I wanted to be. You helped heal fuzzy defenseless animals. You were sweet, caring, and had a soft side for penguins, just like I did. PENGUINS. You thought I didn't see you, but I watched you talk to them. Or maybe you knew I was there, and you talked to them anyway. …But it was the penguins that sold me. And your soup. Damn the soup you made when I came rain-soaked to your apartment, and you let me curl up against your warm chest and cry out my pain until I fell asleep wrapped in your arms.

Damn soup.
Damn penguins.

I needed a father.

Grandmother was guiding me in my duties to the clan, and Hokuto… geez, Hokuto was determined to educate me in the ways of style… But there was this gaping hole no one could see but you – the hole where I needed someone to be a father.

My father.

That's why I always, always called you "-san." And I liked to believe that you somehow knew what I was thinking, and were there to fulfill my wish… What I needed. I needed Seishirou, the veterinarian.

Yes, I'll admit I was lonely without you there… I felt the love a son feels. Respect mixed with a little fear and blind devotion. …No, that's not it. It was more complicated than those words, a pathetic recipe. No… You were my Seishirou-san.

Hokuto had me believe that my admiration was of a more… romantic nature. That's the scandal-lover in her. She liked a spectacle, and I expect she thrilled in the attention the pair of us would have made.

Especially as a Sumeragi and Sakurazuka.

Forbidden, in so many ways… because we were both male, because we were of opposing families. She liked the Romeo and Juliet flavor it had.

Did she forget how the play ended? Most people do.

It's a tragedy, where the two lovers die because they opposed their families, isn't it?

Juliet slipped into a self-induced coma, and Romeo spilled blood of an innocent before disappearing into the night… And when Juliet awoke, she found nothing but death. I'm dead because I trusted you. And Seishirou-san the veterinarian is dead because he never existed. It was doomed from the start. We're both doomed to die.

So why am I still here? I was supposed to die in the finale… instead you killed her. You didn't kill me. You left me!

LEFT me.

I'm half of the whole that Hokuto and I made up, together. I've never been apart from her for more than a few minutes, in my entire life. Is it selfish of me to wish I'd been killed instead of her? I wouldn't have to deal with this if I were dead. But she would.

She deserves it.

Strike that. She never deserved anything like that.

...But she did get me into this mess. She pushed us together, and now she's off in spirit-land where nothing you do has consequences. Poetically, it would have been more just if you'd killed me. Not her.

Do you still want to kill me? After all, I did lose your twisted bet.

…You don't love me.

I'm so stupid. I actually believed you when you said it all of those times. When I blushed and stammered… but I believed you, as a child believes. You said you loved me. I did, in fact, love you. I realized it at the hospital. You're the only person in this world for me.

I'm choking on tears I refuse to shed. But I'll write it again.
I love. You.

Ai, Koi, Amour, Romance, Obsession, Infatuation, whatever you want to call it - I have it. And it's driving me crazy. I want to be with you, I want you to hold me. I want you to be with me. …And I think I even want you to kiss me. I thought it was a disgusting, silly thing before. Lips to lips, why would anyone chose to do that? Voluntarily? It's unsanitary. And between men? It's just weird. But if they were your lips, it wouldn't matter. ...I hope Hokuto never reads this.

No, she can't, can she? She's dead. Gone. I'll never hear her tease me again. She'll never squeal and giggle when I blush, or chastise me for being too polite as a Sumeragi. You took that away from me.

What would I call you now? The worst things I can call you are basic descriptions.

'Murderer'.

'Liar'.

'Heartless bastard'.

They're all true, damn it, so none of those is strong enough.

So…What am I supposed to do now? You took it all away from me, and now I'm nobody. Nobody, but maybe I was nobody to begin with. Just a half... Half of a set of identical twins, half of an pair of clan rivals. Those two halves made me who I was.

I could have lived without Hokuto. I could have lived with out you. But without both of you, I'm just a shell of a person.

And here I thought you loved me. I thought you were sexy. You thought I was beautiful. I was precious to you, or so I thought.

Only as precious as a fine glass vase?

And carelessly broken, of no further use, only fit to be disposed of. I hope my shards are sharp enough to cut your fingers as you try to throw me out.

Yes, Seishirou-san. I've resolved to kill you. Does that surprise you any? I'll prove to you that I'm able to kill. I'll MAKE you understand the physical pain in my chest, you emotionless bastard. Even if I have to do it physically.

No, that's a lie…

I couldn't kill you after all. One look into the pearl eye and I would fall in love with you all over again. I'm such a pathetic, emotional uke. I'd probably cry if I saw you hurt once again because of me. No.

So I guess there's really only one way this can go. There's only one ending to a story, and you know it as well as I. It's poetic. It's fair. And I'm ready.

So when will it end, Seishirou-san?

Will it be soon, or am I supposed to wait five years until our personal conflict gets pulled into the larger, global whole? Any excuse is fine. You don't have to wait until 1999 to end this. I wish it were over, because it ended so long ago…

But you're such a bastard and I never get what I want from you. Why do I have any reason to expect you'll just let me die? Knowing you, you'd probably deny that of me as well. I never get what I want from you.

My heart hurts, and I wish you'd make it stop.

Bastard.

You'll make me wait, won't you.


Yours, forever.
Subaru