Still Falling
"Chihiro...
Chihiro..." I lay on the damp grass rocking myself and repeating
her name over and over again. Like it could save me. Like it would
turn the clock back and make everything alright. Like it would make a
difference. But I was lost, the time is now, and nothing would ever
change.
Last night I woke
Lost, scared and soaked in
sweat
In the distance, I heard someone crying out my
name, footsteps thundered down the stairways, but none of that
mattered. None of that was her.
"Haku!"
There.
That voice again.
I lay in bed still falling from a
rooftop
The sound of feet pattering got louder and
louder until I was vaguely aware of a pair of feet in front of me.
Looking up, I realised that it was her. Somehow, in between my
pain and anguish, my hurt and sorrow, she heard me.
I'm
still trying to get closer to who I am
She looked
around frantically, as though searching for something. It was only
then that it dawned on me that she could not see me. I was still as
transparent as before. Somehow, by some trick or stroke of luck, she
heard my cries. But miracles do not happen. Especially not to spirits
like me - Spirits who abandon all they know just for a quick
short-cut to Hell. We deserve the punishment we are mete with. If
only... if only I had not fallen in...
I shook my head to
clear myself of that thought. I did not need another reason to be
angry at myself. How many times had I reprimanded myself for entering
the Spirit World? How many times more do I have to regret my decision
to be Yubaba's apprentice? And now, even if I leave, even if I can
return to this world, it will not accept me.
Twilight
descends
Into a dark velvet painting of my life
As
I gazed in painful remorse at my transparent hand, I noticed her
shifting her feet and crouching down as though she knew I was sitting
on the grass. Seeing her face to face, I noticed the subtle changes
time has wrought upon her. She was no longer the gangly child who
stumbled upon the Spirit World, and into my life. Now, she was
taller, slender, and had a grace of a noble woman. Yet in her eyes,
sparkled a kind of mischief and vitality that her true age belied.
Oh, how many things have I missed these years! I've missed her
growing into this beautiful young lady that must have captured many
hearts, I've missed her blossoming into womanhood, I've missed all
those and more...
Her voice broke through my reverie of
thoughts, bringing me back to the situation at hand.
"Haku?
You're here right? Ne?"
Those words just broke my
heart.
I could hear nothing else, not my heartbeat, not the
cars driving pass, not the music from the neighbour's son. I could
only hear her voice, that voice which reminded me once more of the
futility of my visit. I had told myself that I only wanted to see her
once more. If only to know that she was fine and healthy. If only to
be sure that she has regained that happiness that she so deserved. If
only to see that she could smile once more... but never again at me.
Never at me.
Although there's light,
redemption seems so distant
I stretched out my hand to
her cheek, despite the knowledge that my hand would only pass right
through. I still stubbornly held onto the belief that maybe, just
maybe, if I tried harder, believed deeper, loved stronger, I could
feel her. Just this once. If there truly existed a Kamisama above,
please, Please, just let me touch her this once and then never
again.
"O- onegai..." I whispered softly.
Enchant
me with the courage to believe
Kamisama heard me.
And
grant me the wisdom that I need
As my fingers brushed
passed her face, and into it, I felt this bolt of electricity course
through my arm. From the start on her visage, it was evident that she
felt it too. A rush of my thoughts and hers flowed through this
'bridge' of ours, and I could feel her pain, her shock, her emotions,
as clearly as though they belonged to me.
Remembering my
telepathy that I had learnt from Yubaba, I rejoiced that at least I
would have the opportunity to talk to her. Bit by bit, I transmitted
my memories of the Spirits left behind in the Spirit world who missed
her dearly, but could not leave. I showed her my life without her, I
allowed her a glimpse into life in the bath house without her, but
most of all, I told her that I've fulfilled my promise, and that I
was going to go on with my life, and not return to the human world
again.
Grant me the wisdom
I refused to
divulge the truth that I had no shell to possess while I'm in the
human world. I did not know why, but somehow, I knew that it would
hurt her dearly to know that. And it would hurt me even more that I
could do nothing about it.
Grant me all the wisdom that
I need
I wrenched my hand away from her, brutally
severing the last ties that we would ever share. As the thoughts
stopped their flow between us, the pain that coursed through me was
so bad, it was nearly physical. I knew now, that I had utterly and
thoroughly lost her.
Then, I did something that I never
thought I would do. Not to her. Never to her.
I turned and
ran.
Enchant me with the courage to be free
Tsuzuku
Author's
Note:
Finally! I ended this chapter! For the past few days,
I've been having a really bad case of writer's block. Talked to my
mom about it, and whined to my dad.. All of which didn't really help
much. Now, I'm back and with a vengeance! I know how I'm going to end
the story, it's pretty obvious now that I've thought about it, and I
hope that you guys would support me and enjoy that story to the end.
I was told that the instalments have been too whiny at some point in
time, what do you think? That's pretty much why towards the end of
this chapter, I flew into the plot and didn't emphasise so much on
their thoughts... although you may not be able to see that because
I've been whining too much. T_T
To my beautiful and wonderful
reviewers!
Audrey Rotten: Thanks ever so much, you've really
boosted my morale (and my ego along the way)! I've always wanted to
do that. Write something that could connect with at least one person
out there. And to know that I've made that connection with you, has
really made me very very happy. Like Chihiro said once, 'Ureshi!'
Spel CastrMax: Domo Arigato! I was worried about -everything-
in the story. I was worried about the title, about the lyrics, about
everything! It's wonderful to know that at least -someone-
appreciates it!
Andiavas: Hope that this explains how Chihiro
knows. It's more of something in her that responds to Haku. I'm
terribly tempted to say that Love works in Mysterious ways. Terribly
terribly tempted, but I didn't! Heh. Please leave a review and let me
know if this has at least satisfied you.. even if it's a little bit.
Don't worry, there'll definitely be one or two more chapters. At
least.
Sakurachick03: This ain't the fluffy ending yet. I
can't find it in me to do that just yet. I need to torment them a
little more, and then give them that grand exit. So I hope you'll
hang in there, and keep reviewing to let me know if I'm going in the
right direction! Thanks!
Nightwitch: Thanks so much for the
review! I'm not ready to give them the happy ending yet, cos I'm just
not ready to let go of them.. T_T It's like cutting the apron
strings!!!!
James Birdsong: Is your surname really Birdsong?
That's so cool! And well, I'm glad that you've enjoyed my songfic,
hope that you like this one too! Arigato!
Quisty-mum: This is
a really cool nick! How did you come by it? And I'm so glad you
reviewed! I love your fics and your style, makes me feel so honoured
that you like this fic! Domo Arigatougozaimasu!
Last be
definitely not least
Dog Girl: Thanks ever so much girl! I'm such
a fan of your writing, to have you review and dish out compliments
has really really bowled me over. If you have to put books on your
head after the reviews I've given you, I most definitely have to find
a truck to quell the swelling of my head! ^_____________^ Hope you
enjoy this instalment as much as you did the previous ones, and I
definitely want to hear what you think about this one. I know that it
is far from the happy ending we both want, but I can't resist adding
this twist.
Kamisama: God
Onegai: Please