Good Enough

The trees loomed up ahead of me. The branches stretching forth above the road, giving such shelter like no other. Despite its comforting presence, I still felt a sense of dread and urgency invading my heart. Why did he run away like that?

Hey your glass is empty
it's a hell of a long way home

I hurried on my way, desperate to get to him. Somehow, deep inside of me, I knew that something was amiss. He told me not to worry, that everyone was fine, that he was all right, that he was going to get on with his life. I was well aware that it was only fair, since he had done as he promised, but.

I adamantly shook my head. I was not going to dwell on this. Something was wrong and allowing my mind to wander was not a way to solve it.

I jogged until I reached the fork of the road or what should have been the crossroad. To my right, there were the rows and rows of little temples of offerings to the spirits, which resided in the forest. But in front of me lay a dead end. Instead of the pathway, which used to lead to that abandoned amusement park, now lay a nonexistent trail overgrown with weeds and undergrowth, covered by a layer of grass. Even with all those years of neglect it was impossible that the pathway could turn to such a condition. It was as if it had completely disappeared.

I searched frantically around for a pathway that was no longer there. It must be here! I remembered seeing the shrines of the Spirits before Otousan took the wrong path.Getting more and more afraid by the minute, something convinced me that it was Haku's doing. He did not want me to see him. He was trying all ways and means to stop me from finding out. What?

Why don't you let me take you
it's no good to go alone

Haku was trying to keep something from me. I realized that when his thoughts merged with mine. Despite the flow of his memories, there was a dam, filtering what he wanted to say. He was stopping his thoughts from fully entering mine. What could be the reason?

I was completely and fully honest with him, did he feel that it was unnecessary? Did he resent my honesty? Was it just me who took this relationship out of context and embellished it to soothe my aching heart? Did I make him uncomfortable with the words I said, and the ones that I didn't?

I never would have opened up
but you seemed so real to me
after all the bullshit I've heard
it's refreshing not to see
I don't have to pretend
He doesn't expect it from me

Finally, after the futile search for the road to the Spirited World, I collapsed on the ground, pounding my fists in frustration. Turning away from the missing pathway, I raved at the shrines.

"Why?! All I wanted to do was to go back and see them again! Is that so wrong? I've been waiting years! Years! And all I get it a visit from him telling me to get on with my life??"

In my rage, I left my tears unchecked and allowed them to meander down my cheeks. It was not the first time I had given in to my crybaby nature. Even if I had learnt that life would not always go my way, there was nothing more comforting in my solitude than letting those emotions surface and giving it a good cry. The release of all these pent-up frustrations did a lot of good sometimes.

But this time, it was not offering any comfort.

"Let me go! Let me go to them! Please! Please give me the pathway!"

Hey little girl would you like some candy
your momma said that it's OK
the door is open come on outside
no I can't come out today

Looking over my shoulder, I saw no pathway. No one heard my cries and my pleas. There was no Haku this time, no Rin to offer me support. There was no magic that could save me. I had no way to get to Haku this time.

It's not the wind that cracked your shoulder
and threw you to the ground
who's there that makes you so afraid
you're shaken to the bone

"O-Onegai."

And I don't understand
you deserve so much more than this

I awoke with the sun shining in my eyes. Rubbing them, I hoped that the swelling from crying the night before would not show so obviously. Stretching the creeks out of my protesting limbs, I managed to pick myself up. Looking around, I stared.

Right in front of me, lay a pathway, strewn with leaves and in disrepair, but a pathway nonetheless.

Turning to the shrines, I gave it a deep bow.

Don't tell me I haven't been good to you
don't tell me I have never been there for you

As I trudged the path I took so many years ago with my parents, a sense of calm enveloped me. Even when I saw the stone statue of the Spirit, no trepidation crept into my heart like before. Perhaps I had finally grown up after all.

I knew that this road I am upon, in more ways than one, is fraught with conflict and a certain amount of pain. Yet if it meant finding my way back to my friends and him, it would not be in vain. I had spent my last seven years searching for myself, and for the meaning in who I am. Now, I am finally ready to face them once more.

Reaching the abandoned amusement park, I unconsciously stopped.

I was well aware that if I went back, there was a chance I would not return. By now, my parents should have noticed my absence and were worried. Then there was school too, not forgetting the friends that took to me so long to make. Was I really that ready to leave all that behind?

Steeling myself, I paused to check the wind. Seeing the leaves rise and flutter into the amusement park, my lips curled into a tiny smile.

Repeating those words that I muttered so many years ago, I couldn't help but remark, "The wind is going in."

Haku, are you waiting for me?

Don't tell me why
nothing is good enough

The grass swayed in the wind, reminding me of the scenery I had witnessed before. A sense of calm washed over me. Like a wave finding its way to the shore, I had found my way back to my ten-year-old self, and my other family. Grinning widely like the child in me, I spread my arms and spun around, immensely relishing the breeze as it whispered sweet nothings into my ear.

"Okaeri!"

I shouted to whoever who would listen. Yes, I certainly felt like I was home once more.

I enjoyed myself for a little while longer before trekking my way up the stones to where the bathhouse lay. It was time to meet everyone again. I hope they haven't forgotten me, or unwelcome me, like he did. Although nothing could compare to the blow I received when Haku gave up on me.

So don't tell me why
he's never been good to you

I ran through the streets, jogged up the stair, pass the bridge and finally reached the bathhouse. Nothing has changed since I had left. The bathhouse was just as new as before. From the stream of fog rising out through the chimney, I knew that Kamaji had already started the fire and was working away in the boiler room with the Susuwatari.

Walking down the pavement and crawling through the little doorway at the side of the bathhouse, I reached the staircase that I had feared not too long ago. This time, with a calmer heart, and a more courageous spirit, I carefully plodded my way down.

"Kamaji-san!" I hollered as I opened the boiler room. Steam rose out of the boilers, rushing out of the cauldron as though protesting the treatment they had been given. Up ahead, the Susuwatari were scurrying around, carrying the black combustible pieces up and down, feeding the hungry fire. They paused upon seeing my shadow rise out from the darkness, only to jump up and down in joy when they realized whom it was. Abandoning their coal, they scurried up to me in greeting.

Kamaji turned to see whom the intruder was, his wrinkled and bearded face breaking into an unsuppressed grin when he recognized me.

"Ah! Sen! You've returned!"

At his words, I broke into a run, jumped up onto the unsuspecting spirit and gave him the bone-crushing hug he deserved.

" Kamaji-san! I missed you so much! Did you miss me? How have you been? How is everyone? How is your job? Is it tiring? Are there a lot of Spirits visiting now? Where is Rin? Is she coming soon to give you your lunch??"

Recovering from the choking embrace, Kamaji chuckled at my obvious eagerness and happiness to be back.

"Hai, hai, I've missed my little granddaughter," he replied, chortling at the title he had given to save me. " I have been fine, with those little buggers helping me, making the job easier. Everyone is all right too, but a little busy as more and more Spirits have been visiting. Rin should be coming in soon to give me my lunch, so you'd might as well hang around and wait for her, I'm sure she'd be more than glad to see your face."

Kamaji then took out some fruits obviously left behind from his breakfast and shoved it under my nose.

"You must be hungry. Here, take some food."

Looking at the little berries, I picked one up, staring at it, reminiscing about the time when Haku had offered me one on my first visit.

"Haku." I sighed. Where was he now?

Don't tell me why
he's never been there for you
don't you know that why
is simply not good enough

Chewing on the berry, I hardened my heart and spoke up.

"Kamaji-san, do you know where Haku is? I-I need to find him."

Granting me a knowing smile, Kamaji replied. "Wait for Rin, she'll be glad to see you and bring you to that Dragon boy of yours."

I blushed, opening my mouth to protest Haku's moniker as well as his relation with me, but I shut it immediately. What harm is there in others' misled conception? It would be straightened out soon enough. And even if it never will be, I do find strange comforts in this lie that he is mine as much I am his. Nothing would please me more than that.

Looking forlornly at the spare futon folded in the corner; I remembered that it was the one that an injured Haku had lain in after the assault by an enraged Zeniba. I could still recall my uneasiness at leaving him to find her, and my agony at his wounds. Those emotions surfaced once more when I thought of Haku's behavior the day before.

Closing my eyes, I thought back to the time when he was still in his dragon form, standing outside Zeniba's house. The great relief and joy that flooded my thoughts upon seeing him was a feeling I could not forget. Recalling the sensation of hugging him, I wondered what had happened in that span of time to make us so alienated from each other. Was love more fragile than I had thought it to be? Would he not allow me to be his friend anymore?

So just let me try

Has all our experiences; the smile, the laughter, the tears, the joy, the trepidation, all these mean nothing anymore?

And I will be good to you

The sound of the screen sliding open broke my train of depressive musings. Turning around, I noticed Rin poking her head into the room, her hands laden with the bowls of food for Kamaji. As she crawled through that small doorway, I took the bowl from her, thus lightening her load and startling her at the same time.

Seeing her shocked expression fall into a familiar broad smile cum smirk, I grinned in response.

"Okaeri." I repeated the words I had spoken to the spirit world when I first returned. Somehow, it felt very right to say it to her.

Upon hearing my words, she immediately teared up, and grabbed me closer to her in a fierce hug.

"It took you long enough, Sen, it certainly took you long enough."

Choking back a sob as I nestled against her, savoring the warmth and comfort that only she could give, I hugged her back equally tightly.

"I missed you. I missed you so much, Rin."

I knew that she was well aware of that, but to tell it to her gave a whole new meaning entirely. All the suppressed emotions built up over years and years of holding back finally came crashing down upon me, and I sobbed. It felt so good to let it out. All my years in the human world were spent trying to forget, trying to keep it from everyone for fear of rejection and ridicule. But finally I was back where I need not hide anymore.

Just let me try
and I will be there for you

Pulling away from Rin's embrace, I dried my tears on the sleeve of my shirt.

"Rin, I need a favor from you."

She took Kamaji's used bowls and nodded in my direction, signaling me to continue. I smiled softly, knowing that she already knew what I was going to ask. Nonetheless, I plodded onwards.

"Could you bring me to Haku?"

I'll show you why
you're so much more than good enough...

Tsuzuku


Author's Note:

Ahh!!! Finally! Yet another chapter has been put up. You cannot fathom how difficult this was to write. I had neither inspiration nor the want to write. Nowadays, what with the news of war, and the outbreak of the pneumonia-like SARS, I was really not in the mood to write anything at all.

But I'm certainly glad that I did. This chapter, being one of my longest ones, also has the honor of being my favorite one so far. I certainly enjoyed writing this one, though finding the song to fit it is certainly not easy. Please tell me if it does -indeed- fit. Btw, the song is Sarah McLachlan's 'Good Enough'. I know that the story seems to be dragging a bit, but soon the showdown between Haku and Chihiro is coming. So please hang on in there, and let me know if I'm doing all right so far. I thrive on reviews, so please Review! m(_)m Onegaishimasu!

To all the reviewers: Thank you so much for your encouragement, there won't be individual thanks, as I'm so exhausted from all this writing. Please forgive me. To Audrey Rotten, Andiavas, Sungirl and James Birdsong, Thank you every so much. You can't imagine how much your kind words of encouragement means to me. Please tell me how you feel about this new chapter. Arigato Gozaimasu!

Onegai: Please Otousan: Father Okaeri: I'm home

This is completely out of point, but did you realize that all the Japanese Words I used this time all starts with an 'O'? See? I told you it's out of point!

Until the next time I write, Ja! Haru-chan