Setsunakutemo... zutto

"What are you doing here Dragon Boy? I thought you were off making goo-goo eyes at your little girlfriend." The caustic voice cut through the silence leaving no room for interruption.

Zeniba was as she had always been - straight-forward and to the point. However, she looked genuinely puzzled at my appearance at her doorstep. It was only the day before that I had consulted the sorceress regarding my trip to the human world. I can still recall how adamant I was in getting to her. I had refused to leave the next day and with the sinking sun behind me, I flew off to see Chihiro.

moetsukita you ni shizumu
yuuhi sae hitori sa
Even the setting sun that sinks like it was burning out
is alone

"I.." I was at a loss. What words could I use to convey the despair I had felt? What could I say to express the agony I had experienced? No one would understand those feelings unless they had gone through the pain of being faced with the one person they love with all their heart, but who is equally unattainable. It was like having food placed in front of a hungry man only to forbid him to consume it.

I had never felt so lost and alone before.

Daiichi ni mo, unabara ni mo
dakareru koto naku
Unable to embrace
the earth or the deep seas

Zeniba sharply glanced at me, taking in my drawn visage and eye bags. It was evident that I had spent yet another sleepless night. She gave me a soul-searching stare and shook her head, sighing. Somehow, I suspected that she knew this would happen. Why hadn't I listened to the wise Spirit before charging off so eagerly to get my heart broken?

'You never listened...' the tiny voice in my heart whispered sorrowfully.

Sighing again, she opened the door wider and beckoned for me to enter.

"No point standing out there the whole day. Come on in."

Fukai kokoro no soko de
nenurasete iru no ni
Though it's been sleeping
at the bottom of my heart

Stepping into the house gave me the sense of bewilderment, as it has always done before. I could never fathom how one twin sister could be so vastly different from the other. Yubaba indulged herself in ostentatious furnishings, taking great pains to acquire grandiose tapestry and jewelry which she feels she so richly deserves. Yet on the other hand, Zeniba was more than contented to surround herself with the simplest and the plainest, her furnishings just meeting the criteria of the bare minimal. Still, the latter's house always gave off a feeling of such homeliness which could not be found anywhere else in the entire Spirit World. Going into Zeniba's house always made me want to stay longer and drink in the peace that could only be found here.

Many a time, ever since Chihiro had removed the animosity between us, had I returned to this place to find my solitude and sanctity away from the hustle and bustle of the Bath house. Yubaba would work me hard, milking every profit she could from me and as hard as it may seem, it never broke me. I then had a goal. I was to work towards paying off my debt and then freedom and Chihiro was waiting for me.

I had a promise to keep.

Fui wo tsuku akane iro no
setsunai jounetsu
the red, painful passion
takes me by surprise

Watching Zeniba as she tinkered around the kitchen, making me that infamous cup of tea of hers as well as some things to munch on, gave me back some of the calm I had lost along my way to the human world. I peered around the room, drinking in its familiar sights once again. I had dreamed that one day, Chihiro and I would enjoy this. That we would have a house of our own, built solely on the foundation of our mutual affection and respect, strengthened by our resolve to stay together through thick and thin. It is amazing how I could have missed a tiny detail which had such large magnitude of an effect on this dream.

"So..." Zeniba set a plateful of rice balls on the table and seated herself on the table, gesturing for me to do the same. "What is it now?"

Her gentle gaze coupled with the warmth in her tone betrayed the coarse words she had spoken. She waited for me to get seated comfortably before pouring me a cup of tea.

"She... Chihiro could not see me." I replied mournfully, trying my best to cover up my disappointment and heartache but to no avail.

Zeniba clucked her tongue sympathetically but said no more as she daintily picked up her cup and started drinking. Despite her lack of speech, I knew that this was her way of allowing me time and space. Through the slight tilt of her head, and quiet slump in her shoulders, I could tell that the news had affected her as well, and that in spite of her knowledge that this was impending, she felt for me too. The news in itself had brought me a small amount of comfort.

Pushing the plate of rice balls towards me, she motioned for me to take one.

"You must be hungry with all that flying around."

Although I had lost my appetite, I picked one up and nibbled on it. Feeling the prickling of my eyes at her thoughtful gesture, I stuffed myself with the rice ball, not unlike Chihiro's actions that morning in the fields. As my thoughts traveled back to her, I stuffed myself all the more, trying to quench my endless sorrows with it. It only served to make the stinging sensation all the more acute.

"Boy! Don't eat so quickly!"

Alarmed at my abnormal behavior, Zeniba touched my hand, trying to slow my actions down although she didn't need to because it was that time which I abruptly stopped.

Taking a deep breath, I swallowed the remnants of my food hastily and gulped down a glass of piping hot tea, all the while relishing in the burning feeling in my throat. If only all emotions could be numbed like that.

Recalling Chihiro's tears, I knew that emotions were never meant to be dammed up. Hadn't I at least learned that from her visit?

Kimi no namida miru tabi
tamaranaku natte
Ushiro kara omoikiri
dakishimetaku naru
Whenever I see your tears,
I can't stand it
It makes me want to
hold you close from behind

"It's inevitable. You couldn't have done anything about it." Zeniba's soothingly spoke up.

Hearing her placatingly sympathetic voice just made me all the more realize how futile my attempt the night before truly was. Even now, I did not want to give up. I was not satisfied. Surely there was something else I had overlooked, some aspect I had not noticed which could bring me and her together!

Angrily I slammed my palm on the table top.

"There is something I could have done! I could have been more satiated with what I had! I could have never come into the spirit world so I could be with Chihiro! I could have stayed with her there and not lose my river! I could..." The more I spoke, the more my words got garbled up as I tripped over them and the emotions I was trying to quell. Towards the end of my outburst, I felt as though all my energy was drained from me. I was just an empty shell without all those hopes and dreams to buoy me.

Sinking deeper into the seat, I cradled my head in my hands and murmured the last sentences out.

"I only want to be with her..."

Kowareru hodo suki sa
donna kotoba mo tarinai
I love you to the point it breaks me.
No kind of words are enough

"... I only want to love her..."

Kesshite koe ni shinai
Because I also have a love

"... Is that too much to ask for?"

Itoshisa mo aru n' da
That I can never give voice to

"Boy, you should have known that it is useless to harbor any feelings for a human. Her time is not up, and you have no shell. There is no way for the both of you to be together."

I know that Zeniba was trying to reason with me in hopes that I would wake up from this illusion that was self-imposed. But I was not ready to awaken. I was not in the least prepared to see the stark and brute reality as it was.

"I know but..."

"No buts. It's time you stop lying to yourself! Wake up! Is this what the proud and indomitable River Spirit is reduced to? A blubbering fool who cannot go on with his life just because his girlfriend cannot be with him?" Zeniba's voice rose higher as she admonished me for my stupidity. "Chihiro is trying to live her life strongly and with hope. She's not sitting around waiting for a miracle to happen, because she knows it won't! But she has not lost hope in love. What gives you the right to do that?!"

Bowing my head I realized the truth in her words. How could I claim to be a Spirit, if I gave into despair so easily?

Umareochita dake de wa
otoko ni wa narenai
Can't become a man
just by being born

"Demo... What could I do?" I replied bitterly, there was no way that I could turn into human or Chihiro become a spirit.

Zeniba sighed, knowing that what she was going to say was something that I had to accept sooner or later, but that the truth would hurt far deeper than any lie ever could.

Hontou no tsuyosa wa kitto
ai kara hajimaru
True strength surely
starts with love

"You have to give her up."

Stunned by the brutality of her words, I had nothing to say.

"If you truly love her, then you must let her go. She has her own life to lead, and her own dreams to follow, you cannot expect her to wait her whole life for you. Even last night when you told her to get on with her life, and that you would do the same, make sure that you would really do that."

Raising her hand to stop me from interrupting her, Zeniba continued.

"I never said that it would be easy, but it is something that you must do. I had already done my part in helping you tell the Spirits not to allow Chihiro to enter, hopefully, that is enough to make her give up."

Giving me a meaningful glance filled with sadness Zeniba sighed.

"Now, it's your turn to relinquish your hold on her."

Allowing the words to sink it, Zeniba stood up to clear the table, giving me time to think it through. The more I thought about it, the more I realized that it was the only plausible route that I could take. That sinking feeling at the pit of my stomach did not get any better from this revelation, it only got worse. But if it could bring Chihiro happiness, if it could make her smile...

Kimi no namida no saki ni
egao ga aru nara
If there's a smile
beyond your tears

Steeling myself for the decision that I was to make, I looked at the old sorceress' waiting gaze for confirmation.

"That is the only way to bring her happiness right?"

Hardly noticing her slight nod, I felt as though a burden was added to my shoulders.

Tanomoshii Yatsu no mama
mimamotte iyou
I'll watch over you
like the dependable guy I am

The ancient spirit walked over to me, and embraced me as if to tell me that she was there for me through all this. And as much as I tried to sooth myself, telling myself that this would make Chihiro happy, I couldn't help but push back the tears that were threatening to fall. It was as though someone had clamped my heart and told it to stop beating. The pain was beyond any imagination or anything that could be inflicted physically. All this because someone had told me to stop loving Chihiro.

Yuuhi ga mata shizumu
jounetsu wo daita mama
The setting sun sinks again
As it embraced its passion

I clenched my teeth, trying to hold back my sobs. Holding on tightly to the powerful Spirit's body for support, as though it could save me, as though it could make everything alright again.

And then, I spoke her name once more, maybe for the last time.

"CHIHIRO!"

Hitoshirezu nemuri tsuku
Setsunakutemo zutto
It reaches its inward rest
Even though it's painful... always

The door burst open revealing two slight frames. One of which ran towards me, crying out my name.

"No, Haku, NO!"

Tsuzuku


Author's Note:

Ahhh!! I came out with another Chapter! It's even longer than the previous one, so I hope that you guys like it! In this Chapter, I got Zeniba and Haku interacting with each other. This is to reveal their closeness and to show that Haku needs at least one friend in the Spirit world. Why didn't I choose Rin instead? That's because in the scene where Zeniba forgave Haku (who was still in dragon form) made me feel some 'chemistry' between the both of them. No, it's not -that- kind of Chemistry! I'm not some sicko!!! ewww.. But there's the mutual respect for each other which would be a good basis for their relationship.

I hope you wouldn't feel that the story is dragging, I just wanted this chapter to express the feelings of Haku and explain why he ran off (as many reviewers had asked me before). Have I answered your question? Next Up, Chihiro would meet up with Haku! Stay Tuned!

To my lovely, wonderful, absolutely brilliant and adorable Reviewers:
Violet Emeralds: How did you like this chapter? Well, I was surprised about the lack of stories on SA too, so I decided to write my own! Heh, hopefully it'll encourage more writers to submit their work in too!

Mrs. Les Demondes: Interesting name! Thanks so much for the encouragement, and I'll be sure to defer all flamers to your husband! ^_^ Please tell your friend that the most important thing (I feel) in writing is being true to yourself. You should only stop when you find that there's nothing left in you to express. Maybe then she'll find encouragement in herself the next time she gets a flame.

Morrigan/Nickoi: Erm.. Is this two people or one person? But anyway, thanks so much! Although I shan't tell my mother what you said. -giggles- I hope that you still think I rock, cos you sure ROCK!!!

kohaku+chihiro4ever: Nice name! ^_^ I don't think I need to ask you what you'd like the ending to be, ne? Lol but here's the continuation, as you have asked for, and I hope that you'd keep reading. This would most probably be the saddest things that happen in this fic, and it'll only go up from here! ^_^ Cheerios!

Steahl: Arigato for your compliments! I hope that this chapter would make you eagerly await the next one too! It's cos of people like you that encourage me and give me the strength to keep writing. Thank you so much!

Crimson Rogue: Heh, surprisingly, the night before I read your review, I was pondering on whether I should have made it -seem- as though there was something going on between Haku and Rin. However, since I didn't have much confidence in my own writing skills I just went 'naah!' and fell asleep. You could only imagine my shock when I read your review! Here's the answer to your question, although it's written all over this chapter, No, Haku still loves Chihiro, and miracles -do- happen.

Little Dragon: Are you related to Haku? Heh, could I borrow him then? ^_^ Thanks for your review! I was worried that the lyrics would overshadow the story or vice versa, phew! Thank you for the compliments, I would now require someone to bash my head in before it becomes too big!

James Birdsong: Kewl name ^_^ Well, I'm very opened to criticism, so if you really feel that there's something lacking in the chapter, or that something is sorely wrong, feel free to let me know, I won't bite! I promise! Thanks for the review!

Arella: Thanks! Hope that this chapter lives up to your expectation! Tell me if there's anything that I can improve upon, ne? And lemme noe if the song fits it, I am worried that this one is too draggy. -frowns-

Sungirl: Heh! This chappie is even longer!! I was thinking long and hard about her reaction as well, and I really liked that chappie. Hopefully, this chappie would go down well with ya too! Please tell me if you like it! Are there any other elements you would like me to add in? I'll try my darnest best to fit it in!

Andiavas: Thanks for the reviw! As you can see, I kinda ended this Chapter off on a cliffhanger too! -notices Andiavas' glare- AARRGHHH!!!! -cowers- don't hit me! Don't hit me! Er, the next chapter would be better! I promise!!!!!!!!

Demo: But

Before I forget, school is getting pretty hectic, so I can only afford to write every weekend. Please forgive me if updates are delayed, but I'm trying my best! Hope that you'd still hang in there!
BTW, the next/ next two chapters would most probably be the end of this series, so stay tuned ne? And I'm not that good with sap, so I hope that you'll endure whatever that I can spout out! ^____________________________________^

Haru-chan