No one knew that I liked to fly; I guess they never really got to
know me. How sad it is to think that I was best friends with two people for
almost 5 years and we hardly knew a thing about each other. Sure I didn't
enjoy talking about quidditch all the time but that didn't mean I didn't
like to play it. Ginny and the girls knew I loved to play Chaser, but we
all aren't really as good friends anymore ever since Harry told them I
wasn't really; let's just say Harry ruined a lot of things for me ever
since Ron left us. We still talk and hang out every once in awhile but they
don't really talk to me, they did until about a month after the incident
and then well Harry came along. I don't even know what his fucking problem
is, he's probably a crack addict, who knows and who really gives a damn.
All I know is that since the chaser for the Gryffindor team graduated I'm
going out for the position. And Harry can't do anything because he isn't
the team captain, man that brought a sweet smile to my face! Dumble-dork
won't let Harry handle stressful/ important roles because Mr. I don't need
anyone's help to vanquish Voldermort, has to be in tip top shape to save
the wizarding world.
I don't know why I just can't let go of my past, my therapist says I should but I mean it's not that easy. Forgive and forget, lady, save that crap for another one of your patients. I don't need to, well my parents don't need to pay 100 Euros every Wednesday to listen to some lady tell me about what disorders I have that I already know I do. I know I have borderline and paranoia and I'm schizoid, I try to change and let go but it just never happens. I won't go anymore, I've told my parents and the last time they forced me into the car I jumped out as we stopped at a red light on the way. Screw listening to someone tell me about my problems, I don't need someone to diagnose me. I'm perfectly fine, everyone has problems, just some more than others. The point is that life has screwed me over and I won't let it anymore. I'm sick and tired of people looking at me in disgust in the halls of Hogwarts, what it's about I don't know but all I do know is that Harry is telling people things about that aren't true. Crap about me forcing Ron to get initiated because I mentally and physically abused him so much that he snapped and just joined to get back at me. I wasn't the problem, it was Harry's popularity. Sometimes I forget that so much has gone down the drain. Do you ever think that things are back to the way they are and then you remember when you're halfway through writing an owl to them that you guys aren't friends anymore? Well, Ginny and the girls and I are "friends" but it's really awkward now and while I was crying on the dock I realized that they're just pretending to be friends, that's why when we hang out they never really talk to me personally only neutral subjects we all can discus. That's why I'm leaving, and I'm never coming back. I will not deal with Harry and his need to ruin my life and people glaring at me in the hall, I don't want my life back and I'm not going back to it. I still had 3 more hours worth of distance to travel before I got home, maybe by the time I got there my thoughts would all be sorted out and when I figured out where I wanted to go, I could go with a open conscious free from the life I used to lead. I couldn't believe that I wanted to visit anyone from Hogwarts, maybe I should thank Vi, her little stunt really threw me for a tail spin, now I see everything in its true light and I see all the crap that's been pulled that I never saw before.
Pushing all thoughts aside I felt suddenly numb and alone, it was like there was a constant urge to cry, no, ball. I had read stories about girls whose friends left her in the dust, ones that were sexually abused or suicidal but I never thought that I would be one. I tired committing suicide earlier on in the summer, it was such a waste. I overdose on any pills I could get at in the medicine cabinet, I had only take 32 but I fell unconscious and when I woke up my father was asleep in a hospital chair next to my mother was, for god's sake was reading the Holy Bible muttering. I found out that, "luckily" that pills don't work quickly and my parents had come home an hour early and when I was rushed to the emergency room my stomach had been pumped. I probably would have doubled the amount of pills I had taken again one day except for the fact that I had to go see my therapist 3 times a week, I had to go to my parents office everyday and the medicine cabinet was locked and my parents followed me everywhere. I realized I should forget the whole affair and just deal with my problems head on. I won't let anyone at Hogwarts have the benefit of knowing that I tried committing suicide.
I charmed my ears so that Radiohead's 2+2=5 was playing loudly and tried to get myself lost in the music. I remember when I was little I promised to never get married or have children. When I was 15 and talking to one of my good girl friends, at the time, here in London I told her about my vow, she seemed a little surprised and told me she wanted to have 11 kids when she got older. Every time I told someone about my vow they always thought it was strange, because of it, I thought myself to be unusual or weird. People never realize how easy they can make someone feel so left out or unwanted just by a weird look sent their way. When I was little I always knew I didn't make friends easy, I was always walked on and used because I had money and was so forgiving. When you have money people try to take advantage of you. People always started fights with me and I would always get in trouble, I never forgave someone, I was the one always apologizing and by the time I reached my 16 birthday I had enough of it. My therapist said there's nothing wrong with apologizing even if it isn't you fault but I had done it too much and too often. The good thing about my therapist, Colleen, was that she always sided with me; she knew I hardly started any fights, I was just an easy opponent but she thought that I had grown bitter and that I was slowly losing my people skills. She told me I needed to interact more with my age group but she never seemed to realize that it was kids and teenagers that corrupted me and made me feel like dirt. I had started losing all hope of finding a true friend until I meet Harry and Ron and even though in the beginning Ron and I disliked each other that all boiled over and we became best friends. 5 years, I was floating on air because I had two best friends, two! I had only wanted one and I had two! I was famous for helping Harry Potter the Boy Who Lived and people liked me! People entrusted their secrets with me and asked me for help and even invited me to outings in Hogsmeade but that all ended with a shatter and my life was once again sucked down the drain.
I don't know why I just can't let go of my past, my therapist says I should but I mean it's not that easy. Forgive and forget, lady, save that crap for another one of your patients. I don't need to, well my parents don't need to pay 100 Euros every Wednesday to listen to some lady tell me about what disorders I have that I already know I do. I know I have borderline and paranoia and I'm schizoid, I try to change and let go but it just never happens. I won't go anymore, I've told my parents and the last time they forced me into the car I jumped out as we stopped at a red light on the way. Screw listening to someone tell me about my problems, I don't need someone to diagnose me. I'm perfectly fine, everyone has problems, just some more than others. The point is that life has screwed me over and I won't let it anymore. I'm sick and tired of people looking at me in disgust in the halls of Hogwarts, what it's about I don't know but all I do know is that Harry is telling people things about that aren't true. Crap about me forcing Ron to get initiated because I mentally and physically abused him so much that he snapped and just joined to get back at me. I wasn't the problem, it was Harry's popularity. Sometimes I forget that so much has gone down the drain. Do you ever think that things are back to the way they are and then you remember when you're halfway through writing an owl to them that you guys aren't friends anymore? Well, Ginny and the girls and I are "friends" but it's really awkward now and while I was crying on the dock I realized that they're just pretending to be friends, that's why when we hang out they never really talk to me personally only neutral subjects we all can discus. That's why I'm leaving, and I'm never coming back. I will not deal with Harry and his need to ruin my life and people glaring at me in the hall, I don't want my life back and I'm not going back to it. I still had 3 more hours worth of distance to travel before I got home, maybe by the time I got there my thoughts would all be sorted out and when I figured out where I wanted to go, I could go with a open conscious free from the life I used to lead. I couldn't believe that I wanted to visit anyone from Hogwarts, maybe I should thank Vi, her little stunt really threw me for a tail spin, now I see everything in its true light and I see all the crap that's been pulled that I never saw before.
Pushing all thoughts aside I felt suddenly numb and alone, it was like there was a constant urge to cry, no, ball. I had read stories about girls whose friends left her in the dust, ones that were sexually abused or suicidal but I never thought that I would be one. I tired committing suicide earlier on in the summer, it was such a waste. I overdose on any pills I could get at in the medicine cabinet, I had only take 32 but I fell unconscious and when I woke up my father was asleep in a hospital chair next to my mother was, for god's sake was reading the Holy Bible muttering. I found out that, "luckily" that pills don't work quickly and my parents had come home an hour early and when I was rushed to the emergency room my stomach had been pumped. I probably would have doubled the amount of pills I had taken again one day except for the fact that I had to go see my therapist 3 times a week, I had to go to my parents office everyday and the medicine cabinet was locked and my parents followed me everywhere. I realized I should forget the whole affair and just deal with my problems head on. I won't let anyone at Hogwarts have the benefit of knowing that I tried committing suicide.
I charmed my ears so that Radiohead's 2+2=5 was playing loudly and tried to get myself lost in the music. I remember when I was little I promised to never get married or have children. When I was 15 and talking to one of my good girl friends, at the time, here in London I told her about my vow, she seemed a little surprised and told me she wanted to have 11 kids when she got older. Every time I told someone about my vow they always thought it was strange, because of it, I thought myself to be unusual or weird. People never realize how easy they can make someone feel so left out or unwanted just by a weird look sent their way. When I was little I always knew I didn't make friends easy, I was always walked on and used because I had money and was so forgiving. When you have money people try to take advantage of you. People always started fights with me and I would always get in trouble, I never forgave someone, I was the one always apologizing and by the time I reached my 16 birthday I had enough of it. My therapist said there's nothing wrong with apologizing even if it isn't you fault but I had done it too much and too often. The good thing about my therapist, Colleen, was that she always sided with me; she knew I hardly started any fights, I was just an easy opponent but she thought that I had grown bitter and that I was slowly losing my people skills. She told me I needed to interact more with my age group but she never seemed to realize that it was kids and teenagers that corrupted me and made me feel like dirt. I had started losing all hope of finding a true friend until I meet Harry and Ron and even though in the beginning Ron and I disliked each other that all boiled over and we became best friends. 5 years, I was floating on air because I had two best friends, two! I had only wanted one and I had two! I was famous for helping Harry Potter the Boy Who Lived and people liked me! People entrusted their secrets with me and asked me for help and even invited me to outings in Hogsmeade but that all ended with a shatter and my life was once again sucked down the drain.