Disclaimer: the song "If I Were Gay" is owned solely by Steven Lynch, the comedy God. And any and all newsies in this story are owned by Disney—unless they existed--in which case they belong to themselves, God bless them.

Glimm

{If I Were Gay (Oh Shit)}

(Here we are

Dear old friend

You and I

Drunk again)

We were so smashed that night. You wouldn't believe it. Shit happened that night; shit that I'd rather not remember, but don't want to forget. If that makes any sense; which, coming from me, I'm sure it doesn't.

It started when Blink and I just got bored with the regular boring shit downstairs and came up here. First thing we did was crack open his humongous stash of whiskey. Whiskey, for those who don't know, is probably the worst shit ever created.

But it's fascinating in a way, the way it burns down your throat and you can feel it in your stomach. Disgusting shit yes, but captivating.

And it'll get you so drunk you won't know what to do with yourself.

(Laughs have been had

Tears have been shed

Maybe the whiskey's gone to my head)

We laughed ourselves senseless that night. Shit, we laughed. And I don't know what started it, but we talked about our lives before we were newsies. That shit'll bring you down so fast your head will spin. Or maybe it was just the whiskey making my head spin.

Suddenly Blink was on top of me. One second, we're laughing maniacally, and the next he jumps me. Shit, that kid can pounce on a guy.

(But if I were gay

I would give you my heart

And if I were gay

You'd be my work of art

And if I were gay

We would swim in romance)

Suddenly it was all moving so fast. His lips were on mine, my lips were on his. Thoughts swirled through my head like water in a sink, moving too fast for me to decipher them. And suddenly, I remembered.


(But I'm not gay

So get your hand out of my pants)

Panicking, I shoved him off me with all the strength I could muster. He whimpered my name, sounding like a lost puppy. "Skittery…!"

"Blink I…" he looked at me like I had mortally wounded him.

(It's not that I don't care

I do

I just don't see myself in you

Another time

Another scene

I'd be right behind you

If you know what I mean)

Oh, shit; but I shouldn't be having these thoughts. I love women; the way their bodies curve make me want to moan in ecstasy. The way their lips are soft and full…Blink's lips are so smooth and creamy—NO. No, no, no. Shit.

('Cause if I were gay

I would give you my soul

And if I were gay

I would give you my hole—being

And if I were gay

We would tear down the walls)

Stop, stop, stop! I need to stop having these thoughts. But before I could stop them, my body leapt onto his and ripped his shirt from his body in a wild flurry of motion. Oh, God he was the most beautiful person—male or female—I had ever seen. Suddenly I wasn't Skittery O'Leary anymore. I was detached from myself and the only thing I could see was Him.

He was the most gorgeous thing on the face of the planet. I'm sure of it. And just as he had taken off my pants, I realized that doing this would send me straight to Hell, not to mention how ashamed I could be for the rest of my life.

The shame, already creeping up on me, burned in my ears and sent a hot shiver up my spine.

(But I'm not gay

So wont you stop cupping my balls)

I seem to remember trying to get him to let go of my manhood; seem to remember trying to detangle myself from his golden body. But somehow, he didn't get the message. I tried to reason with him.

(We've never hugged

We've never kissed

I've never been intimate

With your fist)

But oh, Shit. He wouldn't listen. He just looked up at me, his blue eye shining and those lips smirking as though he were enjoying some little, sick joke I wasn't in on.

Suddenly I wondered if he was testing the limits. Testing me to see how far I would let him go. His hand crept back to my manhood, where it toyed and played, making me moan softly, wondering if any woman I'd ever had had made me feel like that.

No, I concluded.

Shouldn't we do, in this short life, what feels good?

So I stared at him, a smile edging its way onto my lips.

Those lips pressed themselves onto his, hard, needy, greedy. And his own pushed back with the same passion, the same fire.

I hadn't known I was gay…

(But you have opened

Brand new doors

Get over here and

Drop your drawers!)

All I said was "Drop your drawers."

And he delivered with finesse.

{End}