OK…stay with me. We're almost done.
The trees cleared to reveal a large black house. Other than the color, it looked remarkably like a summer cabin.
Katrinolas hopped off. "I can show you to the home theatre. The halls are a bit confusing."
Lindo and Jandalf followed her closely.
The halls were indeed confusing, winding around like Martha Stewart's garden hose. Dust had gathered everywhere from being left alone so long, and the passage was pitch-black. They were forced to use Jandalf's staff for illumination.
She hammered the ground with it and screeched, "WORKWORKWORKWORK!!!!"
It worked.
She wiped her forehead and sighed. "There. Where now?"
Katrinolas pointed at a door. "That's it," she whispered.
"Maybe you'd better stay out here, where he can't see you," Jandalf whispered back. "If he does, he might go into a hissy fit and that's something we can't afford right now."
Katrinolas nodded and stayed put.
Lindo slowly, carefully, opened the door.
Eerie breathing resounded inside. Lindo's eyes grew large. She pulled the Sony remote out of her pocket and stuck it into the room.
The breathing paused for a moment, then deep, evil laughter filled the air. "AA-
HAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!" Then, as abruptly as it had begun, it ended, and the breathing resumed. "You may enter," said the forbidding, mechanical voice.
Lindo entered and saw a tall black figure standing before her. She looked up…wayyy up…
Darth Vader looked down at her. "What do you want?"
She held up the remote.
He took it up and turned it over in his black-gloved hands, inspecting it. "A well-built remote control, young hobbit. However," he gestured to the huge screen at the end of the room, "I am just as capable of manipulating satellite channels with the Force. It's enough motivation, anyway, watching WTN."
"And you untaped yourself?" Jandalf couldn't help but put in.
Vader paused, then pointed at the wall to which he had previously been taped. A large section of it had been torn out. "A little…uh…remodeling. Anyway…want some popcorn?"
Lindo was speechless, then she snapped out of her trance. "What the heck? This is all screwed up, or something. I was expecting a death-mask, or something—"
The Sith lord looked insulted. "Then whaddya call this, huh?"
Lindo eyed him suspiciously. "Well, you're not exactly the Unblinking Eye, are you?"
Under his mask, Vader blushed sheepishly and muttered something incoherently.
"What's that?"
"I said, it's…it's just a hologram I put up to scare people. Fun while it lasted, I guess. You can go now, if you want."
THE END
Just kidding!!!!! I wouldn't leave you with such a typically British ending.
Lindo turned around, disgusted, and left.
Jandalf paused, then held the door open. "Question."
Vader looked at her. "Shoot."
"Huh? Why?"
"It's just an expression. Go ahead."
"Oh. OK. Anyway…if you had no need of a remote, why did you send out your nine horrible creatures to look for it?"
"Nine horrible creatures? Oh, right." Vader took out a CB and pressed talk.
"Waassuuuupp," came the crackling voice of Big Bird.
"You can quit looking now."
"OK." Big Bird turned off the transmission.
"Guess I forgot about them," the Sith Lord remarked as he put away the CB.
"Forgot? Forgot? You just FORGOT??!!!???? DO YOU EVEN REALIZE HOW CLOSE WE CAME TO DEATH JUST BECAUSE OF THOSE STUPID…THINGS??!!!? MINIONS OF XENDOR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Jandalf stormed out.
Darth Vader, now speechless, just stood and stared at the spot she had previously occupied. "Spawn of a bantha."
Outside, the large hologram of the Unblinking Eye flickered and changed to a big yellow happy face.
Jandalf slammed the screen door behind her and, storming back into the forest, tripped on a crazy doomed root.
"YYYYYYYYYaaaaaaaaaaayyyyyyyy!!!!!!!!!" exclaimed Chelsegorn. "My forest shifted all the way here!!! Just for me!!!!!!" She hugged the nearest tree, which happened to be a Douglas fir. "OWOWOWOWOWOWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!! Stupid forest."
"Well," said Jandalf, turning around so she was in front of everyone, "I think we could all agree that this was a rather pointless trip in which I managed to get myself killed for nothing."
They all nodded.
"Shall we return to the Mire?"
They all nodded again.
"Okay…what rhymes with Mire?"
"Fire," said Chelsegorn.
"Choir," said Katrinolas.
"Liar," said Lindo.
"KIBBLES!!" screeched Taffy, who promptly got another kick from Lindo.
"Uhh…okay…lessee…Ah." Jandalf straightened up and held her staff horizontally. "Kibbles on Fire, a Liar in a Choir, Send Us All right back to the Mire."
*kavamm*
The whole party reappeared in Lindo's home in the Mire, Bake End.
Lindo sighed and sat down in her purple and black striped bean-bag chair.
Katrinolas took off her quiver and sat cross-legged by the hearth.
Chelsegorn contemplated the meaning of life.
Taffy ran over to his kibbles bowl and crunched away.
"Huh, I knew something would go wrong," remarked the air just behind Lindo's seat.
The hobbit jumped and looked around. "Jandalf?"
"Right behind you. I turned myself invisible."
Lindo waved her hand around in the air until it brushed against a staff. "What the…"
Jandalf sighed heavily. "What rhymes with visible?"
THE ACTUAL END
Credits:
Narration: me
Editing: me
Lindo: portrayed by a friend
Chelsegorn: portrayed by another friend
Katrinolas: portrayed by another friend
Mikumon: portrayed by another another friend
Chelsea-hai: portrayed by yet another friend (dude, I'm popular)
The Susrog: portrayed by yet another another another friend
Jandalf: portrayed by me
Taffy: portrayed by my friend's dog
Victim of Writer's Block: me
Supplier of Wisdom: thesaurus
Supplier of Energy: chocolate
Supplier of Annoyance: Lindsay
Supplier of Text: Microsoft Word
Supplier of Microsoft Word: Microsoft
Supplier of Microsoft: Bill Gates
Supplier of Bill Gates: his mom
Supplier of Credits: me
Supplier of the English Language: some really smart guy in the distant past
Everything Else: me
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Thank you for reading Lord of the Clings and be sure to stop by our gift shop for all sorts of cheap useless junk with our name on it.
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Disclaimer: Just about all the above material is derived from the genius of either J. R. R. Tolkien, George Lucas, Douglas Adams, or Jhonen Vasquez.
…
Lindo: Are they done yet?
Chelsegorn: I think so.
Katrinolas: Anyone want some lembas bread?
Jandalf: Minions of Xendor.
Taffy: I want KIBBLES!!!!!!
Lindo: Shut up, Taffy.
Taffy: But I WANT KIBBLES!!!!!!
Lindo: SHUT UP AND THEN MAYBE YOU'LL GET SOME!!!!!!!!
Taffy: OK.
Jandalf: I said, does anyone know anything that rhymes with visible?!
Chelsegorn: Invisible?
Jandalf: Grrrrrrr. This isn't funny.
Everyone else: *smothered giggles*
Jandalf: Do you want me to turn you into something repulsive?
Chelsegorn: *looks at Lindo* Too late. Heeheeheeheeheeeeeeeee!!!!
Lindo: DIE!!!!!!!!!!!
Beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep. *static static*
...
...
*kavamm*
Jandalf: Oh, crap. Where am I now?
Chewbacca: Urrrrraour? Uuuurrffurfurfurf!!!
Jandalf: Quit laughing at me! Minions of Xendor! What are you anyway, a hobbit on steroids?!?!
Han: *yells from the back* Chewie, who're you talking to? Did you sneak someone into the cockpit again?
Jandalf: *grumbles* Hey, you, can you tell me what rhymes with Bottom-Earth?
...
OH, great. I promised you guys a sequel, didn't I? Actually, I'm working on it. It'll be called Lindostiltskin. More random insanity, I hope.