Angel's POV
Angel was alive. Buffy was alive. They were sharing a romantic, moonlit
picnic on the beach and they were in the middle of a passionate embrace.
Things were beginning to move into the NC-17 direction, with her hands
fumbling to unfasten his belt buckle and him halfway through unbuttoning
her blouse when...
"Angel! Wake up! Lorne was just on the phone, you've gotta ring him back, and about a ton of mail came for you this morning. Also, Wesley is downstairs driving me mad with all his 'Cordelia, go get Angel' and 'I need Angel, Cordelia' type harping! And Gunn's late-again!" Cordy yelled from my bedroom door.
"Buffy?" I asked, stupidly, as I was still half-asleep.
"No, not Buffy," she told me gently, "get up, Angel."
"I don't want to get up yet. Me and Buffy, we were, I-I mean, she, we..." I trailed off unhappily, realising that it had all been a dream, and that neither me nor Buffy were alive, and I could never smile again. "Yeah, whatever. Would you leave my room so I can get dressed?" I scowled at her, furious because she woke me up from my heavenly dream.
She looked at me sympathetically, her worry for me obvious in her eyes. "Sure, just - hurry up, okay? she murmered as she left my room.
I have tried to cheer up, but I just can't. Whenever I smile or laugh, I see her grave in front of my eyes and I just feel likedying. I've been depressed for five months. Even being at that monastery in Tibet didn't help. Every day I try to forget the day we returned from Pylea to find a teary-eyed Willow waiting in the lobby of the Hyperion...
*~*~*~*
The group burst through the door, an exuberant Angel in the lead, shortly followed by Cordelia, then Gunn and Wesley, with a shy Fred at the rear. All five of them were laughing as Angel called out, "Can I say it? I wanna say it!" and then, without waiting for an answer, he continued, "There's no place like-" he broke off as he saw the little red-headed Wiccan, who just happed to be the best friend of his soulmate, sitting in the lobby, -Willow?" he finished, the happy atmosphere replaced with a worried one as Cordelia asked, "What's...?" Angel was about to repeat the question when he saw that the red-head's usually perky smile wasn't in place, her eyes were red-rimmed, teary and filled with pain and grief, her cheeks tear-stained and she looked tired enough to collapse. Suddenly he felt cold dread in the pit of his stomach, spreading upwards as he answered Cordelia's question in a monotonous voice,
"It's Buffy," he looked at Willow, his face expressionless, but his eyes pleading with her to tell him that he was wrong, and that Buffy was as perfectly happy and healthy as always. But instead, she stared at him for a couple of seconds, and then burst into tears.
"No," came Cordy's panicked voice, "No, you- you're lying! You have to be lying!" she shook her head frantically in denial. "Angel?" she looked up at him for comfort and reassurance, and then caught herself as she realised who he was. "Oh. My, God. Oh, Angel, I'm so sor-" She shut her mouth abruptly as he cut her off.
"How?" he asked, his voice still toneless, but his eyes betraying his feelings. The immense pain, hurt, grief and loss that were there made Gunn shudder as he looked into them, and then ushered Fred and Wesley out of the lobby, and followed them without a last look back to allow Willow to inform Angel and Cordelia of the loss of the Slayer.
*~*~*~*
"Damn!" he exclaimed when they were out of earshot.
"Who's Buffy?" Fred asked hesitantly, "Is she Cordelia's friend? I got the feeling that Angel didn't like her much. He didn't sound very upset back there,"
"Didn't like her much? Phew! You obviously didn't see his eyes back there. And trust me, you didn't want to. Whaddya think, Wes'? We gonna have to 'cuff him to his bed to stop him from greetin' the sunrise one 'o' these mornin's?"
"Quite possibly. Oh dear. Buffy's...,Well, oh goodness, this is not good. You realise that she was, so far, one of the most successful Slayers ever? She averted at least four potential apocalypses and the most for any Slayer before her was only two." "Good for her, but why are you telling me this?"
"It must have been something extremey dangerous to kill her. What if she didn't kill it first?" l
"Oh, man,"
"What's going on? Who is Buffy?" Fred asked before they could say anything else. The trio looked through the glass in the lobby doors, and watched as the red-head and Cordelia burst into sobs, whilst Angel looked on stonily.
"Well..." Wesley said...
*~*~*~*
Cordy and Angel listened attentively as Willow told them of Glory, the Hellgod looking for the 'Key' to the dimensional portals so she could find her way back home. She told them of Buffy's discovery of the fact the the 'Key' wasn't a physical object, but pure energy, and that the monks had sent the key to Buffy, for protection, just a few months before. In the form of a sister. How the monks had magically created memories, for everyone who knew the Summers family, of Dawn Summers, the 'Key'. She told them of the Knights of Byzantium, she told them of Tara being attacked and made insane by Glory, and then accidentally alerting the hellgod to the fact that Dawn was the 'Key'. She told them of the 'Scoobies' getaway and how the Knights attacked them. She told them of Glory's kidnap of Dawn, and Buffy's fear induced coma. She told them of Buffy's adamant refusal to kill Dawn for the world. She told the of the final battle, how they would've escaped away unscathed (sort of), if not for Doc. She related Buffy's final words, which Dawn had repeated to them all, and the beautiful swan dive off the tower. She quietly told Angel that Dawn had said that, as Buffy turned to run, she was sure she saw her mouth form the word Angel, indicating that her last thoughts were of him. The entire tale took around two hours, not including the parts where Willow couldn't talk through her tears. When she had finished, Angel stood up abruptly and asked if either of them would like some coffee. When they both declined politely, giving each other worried sidelong glances, he ignored them and went into the kitchen anyway. Suddenly, there was a sound of breaking glass, and Cordy rushed to the kitchen in a panic. What she saw there made her freeze though, Angel, curled into a fetal position on the floor, surrounded by milk and broken glass, sobbing desperately, as though the world was ending. Which for him, Cordy figured, it was. She backed out of the kitchen silently, and waited with Willow for him to emerge. When he did leave the kitchen fifteen minutes later,coffeeless, he said a quick goodbye to Willow and then silently went upstairs to his room. Later, when Cordy, Gunn, Wesley and Fred looked in on him, he was led, unmoving on his bed, his eyes wide open, but unseeing, and his face a mask of agony. They handcuffed him to the bed and he didn't even seem to notice them. The had to force-feed him for the next two weeks, literally pouring the blood down his throat. He didn't sleep or move once. He had even stopped breathing, which he usually did because he liked to feel human. Then one day, he calmly asked them to remove his handcuffs and then left for the monastery in Tibet, where he stayed for three months.
*~*~*~*
I have nightmares about her death. They're horrible. I see her body, sometimes crushed and mangled, other times with demons tearing her apart. She is always terrified. A look that I have not seen on her very many times. In fact, the only times I can remember are our first kiss, when I turned, and when Faith shot me with that poisoned arrow and I wouldn't drink from her. Slowly, I made my way towards the stairs. I felt weird. Like I used to feel when she was near me, a tingling in the pit of my stomach, only different. I hadn't felt that since her mother's funeral, when I last saw her, and now it threw me. I paused on the stairs, hearing Cordy's voice, raised in anger, coming from the front doors of the Hyperion.
"Four weeks?!" she was shouting, "You've kept this from us - from him, for a whole month? I cannot believe you! Have you any idea what he's been going through, is still going through? He has been so depressed since she d- " Cordy's voice broke in grief momentarily, before she continued with her furious tirade, "and for the last four weeks you've had the one thing that could cheer him up and you kept it a secret?..."
Cordy's voice faded from my mind as I thought to myself that the only thing that would cheer me up was... 'oh god ' They wouldn't have done, would they? It's impossible. And even if it was possible, they would definitely have told me. All coherent thought was ripped from my brain as a quiet voice shattered my reverie.
"Please can I see him, Cordy?" It was a voice that I had been praying to hear for months, but had never expected to hear again. 'Buffy ' She sounded so unhappy that it was all I could do not to rush to her and sweep her off her feet - wait? What was stopping me from doing just that? Suddenly I was moving, faster than I thought possible for even vampires to move. I all but flew down the stairs and across the lobby. I dived over the two sofa's and the coffee table without pausing and slammed into the main doors,which were not quite closed, smashing them into pieces. I barreled between Cordy and Wesley, who were stood side by side, blocking my view of the group in front of them, and knocked them flying. The group of people consisted of Giles, Willow, Dawn, Xander, that annoying girlfriend of his - what's her name? - Anya, a shy looking girl holding Willow's hand, Tara, probably and Spike? I came to a stop in front of the last person and froze completely.
"Buffy?" I whispered, "Cordy, please tell me she's real," I murmured. Cordelia was about to reply when Buffy dived into my arms and fused her own lips to mine in the most mind-blowng kiss we'd ever shared, Hell, the most mind-blowing kiss I'd ever experienced, full stop. After what seemed like an eternity, we broke apart, and she just had time to smile up at me and whisper, "I'm real," before we were attatched again.
"Evenin' y'all. Hey, did Angel finally get over that dead Slayer gal, to be suckin' face wit' that blonde chick? Oh Willow, hey, watcha doin' here, witchy-gal?" Gunn called as he walked up to the Hyperion-finally, and noticed first me and Buffy, and then Willow, who he recognised. I pulled away from Buffy to glare at him.
"Watcha lookin' at me like that for?" he asked, and then he twigged, "wait just one moment. Willow, is - was dead Slayer gal's best friend. Angel, who was deeply depressed about dead Slayer gal last night is happily suckin' face wit' strange blonde chick. Dead Slayer gal was blonde...Hey!" he said in shock, pointing at Buffy, "You're dead Slayer gal... or not? Huh?"
She grinned at him playfully and called to the others, "Clueless black man needing backstory at three o'clock," She giggled at the puzzled look on his face and explained
"I died, went to Heav- Hell -Hell. I went to Hell. Willow missed me, Sunnydale needed me, so my little Wicca worked her mojo on my grave and voila! Instant Buffy," She giggled at me and, ignoring my frown, she kissed me again. I pulled away. "Wanna see the hotel? You'll like my training room," I asked her, trying to keep my voice steady, remembering how much she liked seeing the weapons and things in training rooms. Her face lit up in surprise and delight.
"Oooh, goody," she giggled. I took her hand in mine and practically dragged her into the hotel and down into the training room. I had remembered that I was furious with her for giving up. She noticed my anger and pulled her hand away, looking at me defiantly. She flicked her over her shoulder and took on a defiant posture.
"Wanna spar?" she asked, innocently, but with a sly grin.
"Sure," I said shortly. I looked up in time to see Spike's lips forming the words 'she gave up', and I growled when I saw him smirk. Everyone had come to watch one of our famous 'dances'.
"C'mon then, lets get it on," she said, running her hands over her body quickly, but in a very Faith-like way that she knew would affect me, and assuming a fighting stance.
I narrowed my eyes, growled and threw a punch at her. She blocked it and smirked at me, "Missed me,"
She was still holding my arm as she brought her knee up to my groin. I wrenched my hand away and grabbed her knee, a second before it would have hit me. I threw my arm up and she flew up into the air and slammed into the wall. She paused for a moment, winded, and looked at me in shock. I had never purposely hurt her before. Ever. She glared at me furiously, took a deep breath and attacked with a flying roundhouse kick that would have come close to beheading me if I hadn't grabbed her ankle and yanked. Hard. She landed with a bump that made me wince inwardly. I didn't like hurting her, but I was mad.
"Ooof!" she gasped as the wind was knocked out of her a second time. The spectators looked on in shock at the display, unable to understand why I was hurting her. All except Spike, who just lent against the wall, smirking, with a cigarette in his mouth.
She flipped herself up and threw a furious punch at me. It hit the side of my head, and I retaliated with a vicious uppercut. Her head snapped back and there was an audible crack as blood began to pour from her nose. Everyone gasped in shock, including her and myself. I had broken her nose.
"Oops," I said, shrugging my shoulders nonchalantly.
"What is wrong with you!?" she exploded furiously, "You should be happy- " She paused as Cordy cut her off with
"Not too happy, cuz y'know..." she trailed of under our furious stares and flinched as Buffy furiously yelled "Shut up, Cordelia! You should be happy that I'm back from the dead. In fact, from what Cordy was yelling at us when we arrived, you should be so happy that Angelus should be annoying me right now! What did I do?"
"What did you do?" I yelled back fiercely, "You gave up is what you did! You gave up and left me!"
"I left you?" she cried in complete disbelief, "Oh, of course. I left you! What, are we just going to pretend that the three years that you've lived in L.A. without me never happened? Three years that you gave up to let me have a 'normal life', cuz, y'know, being the Slayer doesn't stop me from having a normal life at all?!"
"I moved a couple towns over, Buffy, not into the next life!" I yelled back at her.
"You left me! You said you loved me, that we'd be together forever! You always promised me forever, and then ripped my heart up by leaving or doing something stupid like giving up your humanity!"
I froze in shock.
"Oh, shit," I heard Cordy mutter
"You - you remember?" I gasped
"I promised you that I'd never forget. Didn't you believe me?" she asked softly.
My mind flashed back to that day. Our perfect day when I was human and we were together. I remembered our conversation from when I told her that I was going to be turned back.
*~*~*~*
Angel walked down the stairs of his apartment to find Buffy waiting for him at the bottom.
"I'm guessing that expression isn't because they were all out of fresh OJ at the deli. What happened?" Buffy asked him.
"Nothing happened. I just -" Angel was cut off by his lover.
"Where have you been?"
"I went to see the Oracles. I asked them to turn me back."
"What? Why?"
"Because more than ever I know how much I love you," Buffy began to back away from him and he walked forward to stay with her.
"No. No, you didn't,"
"And if I stayed mortal, one of us would wind up dead. Maybe both of us. You heard what Morah said."
"Morah's dead! We killed him!"
"He said that others would come."
"They always come. And they always will. But that's my problem now, not yours, remember?"
"No. I won't just stand by and watch you fight, maybe die, alone!" Angel said, shaking his heard for emphasis.
"Then we fight together!"
"You saw what happened last night. If anything, I'm a liability to you. You take chances to protect me, and that's not just bad for you, it's bad for the people we were meant to help."
"So - What? You just took a whole 24 hours to weigh the ups and downs of being a regular Joe, and decided it was more fun being a superhero?"
"You know that's not it. How can we be together if the cost is your life, or the lives of others?" Buffy stared at him for a moment, and then he wrapped her in his arms as she bumped her head against his chest. "I couldn't tell you," he continued, "I wasn't sure if I could do it if I woke up with you one more morning."
"I understand," Buffy sniffled against his chest in a tiny voice, "So - what happens now?"
"The Oracles are giving us back the day. Turning back time so I can kill Morah before his blood makes me mortal," She looked up at him, and asked
"When?" Angel looked at the clock.
"Another minute,"
"A minute? No. No, it's not enough time!" she said, crying.
"We don't have a choice. It's done." Buffy looked up at him, her face crumpled.
"How am I supposed to go on with my life? Knowing what we had, what we could've had?"
"You won't. No one will know but me."
"Everything we did?" she whispered.
"It never happened." She shook her head frantically.
"It did! It did! I know it did!" she placed her hand above his heart, "I felt your heart beat," she whispered brokenly.
"Buffy..." Angel said in a pained voice. She pressed her lips to his in a urgent kiss. They broke apart and Buffy looked at the clock to see that the minute was almost up.
"No!" she cried, moving from foot to foot, "Oh, God! It's not enough time!" Angel began to cry too,
"Shh," he whispered, "Please, Please," they hugged tightly and Buffy placed her mouth next to his ear.
"I'll never forget. I'll never forget. I'll never forget. I'll never forget." There was a flash of bright white and they were back in his office, a day before.
*~*~*~*
"You knew? All the time?" I asked, quietly.
"No. I dreamed about it a lot, but I thought they were just dreams. I remembered as I jumped off the tower. When I died." she said
"You weren't supposed to remember. I - I'm so sorry." I said dumbly,
"It's okay. I understand why you didn't tell me," she murmered.
"Died? Gave up, you mean?" I said, remembering that we were in the middle of a heated argument.
"Yeah. So?"
"So? You just gave up! Even though you told me to fight! You always told me to fight!"
"I said we'd fight together! " she screamed at me, and then she sort of deflated, and sank to the floor. I rushed to catch her, and she collapsed, sobbing, into my arms.
"I said we'd fight together," she whispered, brokenly. "I didn't say I wanted to do it on my own. I didn't say that I wanted to go through college and Parker and the Initiative and Adam and my mom and Dawn 'the Key' and Glory and everything alone, did I?
"You - you weren't alone," muttered, "You had Giles and Xander and Anya and Willow and Tara and - " I gulped, hating his name, even though he was long gone, " and Riley," she smiled slightly at my hesitation to say his name.
"Riley - schmiley," she whispered, "You weren't there. You weren't there and you should have been!"
"You know why I had to leave. You needed someone who could make you happy,"
"Angel, you are what makes me happy. Look, I wasn't in Hell alright, I was in Heaven" she paused as everone except me gasped in shock. I had heard her earlier, I'd figured it out already.
"You know what Heaven's like? In Heaven, you are given the one thing in the world that would make you happiest. Not what you think would make you happy, what they know would make you happy. Like, for instance, some people think that being rich will make them happiest, yeah? Well, you only get money if it really will make you happy, no matter what you think. You know what I had? The one thing that I knew would make me the happiest I could be. Angel, in Heaven, I was with you. Not someone who can give me daylight and children and picnics. I don't want that if it's with someone who isn't you. You promised me that you'd always be there for me!"
"And I will be," I said
"No, you won't. You say you will, and you might even want to be, but you won't be really. You'll be here, with your life and your friends, in L.A., and I'll be in Sunnydale, with mine. Until I give up again because I'm not with you."
"You won't give up and you will be with me. We can do the long distance thing,"
"See there you -" She stopped, mid-sentence, "What?" she gasped, her eyes filled with both hope and fear.
I nodded, smiling slightly, and gently pressed my lips to her forehead. She lifted her face before my lips touched, and I found myself drowning in her lips again. Her hands moved up to run through my hair, and I spread my hands across her tiny back, smiling slightly as she sighed happily into my mouth.
"This is where I belong," she whispered against my lips. I nodded and continued the kiss.
"Aw hell, Slayer, you stupid bint!" Spike cried, outraged, "He just broke your nose! You're supposed to be pissed at the fact that he hates you for giving up on him, and come running to me for comfort and sex!"
Everyone else just looked at him, shocked and puzzled expressions in place. Buffy and I gazed at him in disgust and anger.
"What?" she asked incredulously. I growled slightly, low in my throat. What was going on here? She flashed me a small grin.
"He's in love with me," she explained. I exploded.
"What?" I yelled, shooting up from the floor and pinning Spike to the wall by his neck.
"Hey," he choked "Leggo, Angelus!" Buffy giggled at the scene for a minute or two, along with the rest of the 'Scooby Gang'.
"Why's he so mad? Angel's not supposed to hurt people. Buffy's pretty and seems nice, why shouldn't this man be in love with her?" I heard Fred ask.
"Slayer, get the bugger off of me!" Spike gurgled as he vamped out.
"Ohh," Fred murmured
"Angel, he's twisted. Okay, that's out in the open. Let him go, I like teasing him about being impotent." Buffy giggled at me. I looked at her, puzzled.
"Ohh!" Willow gasped, "Buffy, Angel doesn't know!"
"Know?" I asked
"The Initiative gave 'im a brain chip. He can't hurt anything human. Or anything with a human soul," Buffy smirked happily.
I grinned and let Spike drop to the floor, ignoring him completely I went back to Buffy.
"I'll never hate you, y'know," she said as she crawled onto my lap. I looked at her, confused. "Just in case you feel the need to leave me again, to prevent us both from the pain of me waking up one day and hating you for holding me back. I'll die before I get old enough for that to happen anyway, even if it was possible for that to happen,"
I thought about arguing with her about the dying thing, but I knew there was no point.
"I'm that readable, huh?"
"Totally!" All of the 'Scooby Gang' who were there when I left chorused. I grinned as Buffy melded her body as close to mine as possible whilst we were fully clothed, and attatched her lips to mine again. I heard Willow cough nervously and mumble,
"We'll just be going, then, shall we?" as everyone trailed out of the room.
"Angel! Wake up! Lorne was just on the phone, you've gotta ring him back, and about a ton of mail came for you this morning. Also, Wesley is downstairs driving me mad with all his 'Cordelia, go get Angel' and 'I need Angel, Cordelia' type harping! And Gunn's late-again!" Cordy yelled from my bedroom door.
"Buffy?" I asked, stupidly, as I was still half-asleep.
"No, not Buffy," she told me gently, "get up, Angel."
"I don't want to get up yet. Me and Buffy, we were, I-I mean, she, we..." I trailed off unhappily, realising that it had all been a dream, and that neither me nor Buffy were alive, and I could never smile again. "Yeah, whatever. Would you leave my room so I can get dressed?" I scowled at her, furious because she woke me up from my heavenly dream.
She looked at me sympathetically, her worry for me obvious in her eyes. "Sure, just - hurry up, okay? she murmered as she left my room.
I have tried to cheer up, but I just can't. Whenever I smile or laugh, I see her grave in front of my eyes and I just feel likedying. I've been depressed for five months. Even being at that monastery in Tibet didn't help. Every day I try to forget the day we returned from Pylea to find a teary-eyed Willow waiting in the lobby of the Hyperion...
*~*~*~*
The group burst through the door, an exuberant Angel in the lead, shortly followed by Cordelia, then Gunn and Wesley, with a shy Fred at the rear. All five of them were laughing as Angel called out, "Can I say it? I wanna say it!" and then, without waiting for an answer, he continued, "There's no place like-" he broke off as he saw the little red-headed Wiccan, who just happed to be the best friend of his soulmate, sitting in the lobby, -Willow?" he finished, the happy atmosphere replaced with a worried one as Cordelia asked, "What's...?" Angel was about to repeat the question when he saw that the red-head's usually perky smile wasn't in place, her eyes were red-rimmed, teary and filled with pain and grief, her cheeks tear-stained and she looked tired enough to collapse. Suddenly he felt cold dread in the pit of his stomach, spreading upwards as he answered Cordelia's question in a monotonous voice,
"It's Buffy," he looked at Willow, his face expressionless, but his eyes pleading with her to tell him that he was wrong, and that Buffy was as perfectly happy and healthy as always. But instead, she stared at him for a couple of seconds, and then burst into tears.
"No," came Cordy's panicked voice, "No, you- you're lying! You have to be lying!" she shook her head frantically in denial. "Angel?" she looked up at him for comfort and reassurance, and then caught herself as she realised who he was. "Oh. My, God. Oh, Angel, I'm so sor-" She shut her mouth abruptly as he cut her off.
"How?" he asked, his voice still toneless, but his eyes betraying his feelings. The immense pain, hurt, grief and loss that were there made Gunn shudder as he looked into them, and then ushered Fred and Wesley out of the lobby, and followed them without a last look back to allow Willow to inform Angel and Cordelia of the loss of the Slayer.
*~*~*~*
"Damn!" he exclaimed when they were out of earshot.
"Who's Buffy?" Fred asked hesitantly, "Is she Cordelia's friend? I got the feeling that Angel didn't like her much. He didn't sound very upset back there,"
"Didn't like her much? Phew! You obviously didn't see his eyes back there. And trust me, you didn't want to. Whaddya think, Wes'? We gonna have to 'cuff him to his bed to stop him from greetin' the sunrise one 'o' these mornin's?"
"Quite possibly. Oh dear. Buffy's...,Well, oh goodness, this is not good. You realise that she was, so far, one of the most successful Slayers ever? She averted at least four potential apocalypses and the most for any Slayer before her was only two." "Good for her, but why are you telling me this?"
"It must have been something extremey dangerous to kill her. What if she didn't kill it first?" l
"Oh, man,"
"What's going on? Who is Buffy?" Fred asked before they could say anything else. The trio looked through the glass in the lobby doors, and watched as the red-head and Cordelia burst into sobs, whilst Angel looked on stonily.
"Well..." Wesley said...
*~*~*~*
Cordy and Angel listened attentively as Willow told them of Glory, the Hellgod looking for the 'Key' to the dimensional portals so she could find her way back home. She told them of Buffy's discovery of the fact the the 'Key' wasn't a physical object, but pure energy, and that the monks had sent the key to Buffy, for protection, just a few months before. In the form of a sister. How the monks had magically created memories, for everyone who knew the Summers family, of Dawn Summers, the 'Key'. She told them of the Knights of Byzantium, she told them of Tara being attacked and made insane by Glory, and then accidentally alerting the hellgod to the fact that Dawn was the 'Key'. She told them of the 'Scoobies' getaway and how the Knights attacked them. She told them of Glory's kidnap of Dawn, and Buffy's fear induced coma. She told them of Buffy's adamant refusal to kill Dawn for the world. She told the of the final battle, how they would've escaped away unscathed (sort of), if not for Doc. She related Buffy's final words, which Dawn had repeated to them all, and the beautiful swan dive off the tower. She quietly told Angel that Dawn had said that, as Buffy turned to run, she was sure she saw her mouth form the word Angel, indicating that her last thoughts were of him. The entire tale took around two hours, not including the parts where Willow couldn't talk through her tears. When she had finished, Angel stood up abruptly and asked if either of them would like some coffee. When they both declined politely, giving each other worried sidelong glances, he ignored them and went into the kitchen anyway. Suddenly, there was a sound of breaking glass, and Cordy rushed to the kitchen in a panic. What she saw there made her freeze though, Angel, curled into a fetal position on the floor, surrounded by milk and broken glass, sobbing desperately, as though the world was ending. Which for him, Cordy figured, it was. She backed out of the kitchen silently, and waited with Willow for him to emerge. When he did leave the kitchen fifteen minutes later,coffeeless, he said a quick goodbye to Willow and then silently went upstairs to his room. Later, when Cordy, Gunn, Wesley and Fred looked in on him, he was led, unmoving on his bed, his eyes wide open, but unseeing, and his face a mask of agony. They handcuffed him to the bed and he didn't even seem to notice them. The had to force-feed him for the next two weeks, literally pouring the blood down his throat. He didn't sleep or move once. He had even stopped breathing, which he usually did because he liked to feel human. Then one day, he calmly asked them to remove his handcuffs and then left for the monastery in Tibet, where he stayed for three months.
*~*~*~*
I have nightmares about her death. They're horrible. I see her body, sometimes crushed and mangled, other times with demons tearing her apart. She is always terrified. A look that I have not seen on her very many times. In fact, the only times I can remember are our first kiss, when I turned, and when Faith shot me with that poisoned arrow and I wouldn't drink from her. Slowly, I made my way towards the stairs. I felt weird. Like I used to feel when she was near me, a tingling in the pit of my stomach, only different. I hadn't felt that since her mother's funeral, when I last saw her, and now it threw me. I paused on the stairs, hearing Cordy's voice, raised in anger, coming from the front doors of the Hyperion.
"Four weeks?!" she was shouting, "You've kept this from us - from him, for a whole month? I cannot believe you! Have you any idea what he's been going through, is still going through? He has been so depressed since she d- " Cordy's voice broke in grief momentarily, before she continued with her furious tirade, "and for the last four weeks you've had the one thing that could cheer him up and you kept it a secret?..."
Cordy's voice faded from my mind as I thought to myself that the only thing that would cheer me up was... 'oh god ' They wouldn't have done, would they? It's impossible. And even if it was possible, they would definitely have told me. All coherent thought was ripped from my brain as a quiet voice shattered my reverie.
"Please can I see him, Cordy?" It was a voice that I had been praying to hear for months, but had never expected to hear again. 'Buffy ' She sounded so unhappy that it was all I could do not to rush to her and sweep her off her feet - wait? What was stopping me from doing just that? Suddenly I was moving, faster than I thought possible for even vampires to move. I all but flew down the stairs and across the lobby. I dived over the two sofa's and the coffee table without pausing and slammed into the main doors,which were not quite closed, smashing them into pieces. I barreled between Cordy and Wesley, who were stood side by side, blocking my view of the group in front of them, and knocked them flying. The group of people consisted of Giles, Willow, Dawn, Xander, that annoying girlfriend of his - what's her name? - Anya, a shy looking girl holding Willow's hand, Tara, probably and Spike? I came to a stop in front of the last person and froze completely.
"Buffy?" I whispered, "Cordy, please tell me she's real," I murmured. Cordelia was about to reply when Buffy dived into my arms and fused her own lips to mine in the most mind-blowng kiss we'd ever shared, Hell, the most mind-blowing kiss I'd ever experienced, full stop. After what seemed like an eternity, we broke apart, and she just had time to smile up at me and whisper, "I'm real," before we were attatched again.
"Evenin' y'all. Hey, did Angel finally get over that dead Slayer gal, to be suckin' face wit' that blonde chick? Oh Willow, hey, watcha doin' here, witchy-gal?" Gunn called as he walked up to the Hyperion-finally, and noticed first me and Buffy, and then Willow, who he recognised. I pulled away from Buffy to glare at him.
"Watcha lookin' at me like that for?" he asked, and then he twigged, "wait just one moment. Willow, is - was dead Slayer gal's best friend. Angel, who was deeply depressed about dead Slayer gal last night is happily suckin' face wit' strange blonde chick. Dead Slayer gal was blonde...Hey!" he said in shock, pointing at Buffy, "You're dead Slayer gal... or not? Huh?"
She grinned at him playfully and called to the others, "Clueless black man needing backstory at three o'clock," She giggled at the puzzled look on his face and explained
"I died, went to Heav- Hell -Hell. I went to Hell. Willow missed me, Sunnydale needed me, so my little Wicca worked her mojo on my grave and voila! Instant Buffy," She giggled at me and, ignoring my frown, she kissed me again. I pulled away. "Wanna see the hotel? You'll like my training room," I asked her, trying to keep my voice steady, remembering how much she liked seeing the weapons and things in training rooms. Her face lit up in surprise and delight.
"Oooh, goody," she giggled. I took her hand in mine and practically dragged her into the hotel and down into the training room. I had remembered that I was furious with her for giving up. She noticed my anger and pulled her hand away, looking at me defiantly. She flicked her over her shoulder and took on a defiant posture.
"Wanna spar?" she asked, innocently, but with a sly grin.
"Sure," I said shortly. I looked up in time to see Spike's lips forming the words 'she gave up', and I growled when I saw him smirk. Everyone had come to watch one of our famous 'dances'.
"C'mon then, lets get it on," she said, running her hands over her body quickly, but in a very Faith-like way that she knew would affect me, and assuming a fighting stance.
I narrowed my eyes, growled and threw a punch at her. She blocked it and smirked at me, "Missed me,"
She was still holding my arm as she brought her knee up to my groin. I wrenched my hand away and grabbed her knee, a second before it would have hit me. I threw my arm up and she flew up into the air and slammed into the wall. She paused for a moment, winded, and looked at me in shock. I had never purposely hurt her before. Ever. She glared at me furiously, took a deep breath and attacked with a flying roundhouse kick that would have come close to beheading me if I hadn't grabbed her ankle and yanked. Hard. She landed with a bump that made me wince inwardly. I didn't like hurting her, but I was mad.
"Ooof!" she gasped as the wind was knocked out of her a second time. The spectators looked on in shock at the display, unable to understand why I was hurting her. All except Spike, who just lent against the wall, smirking, with a cigarette in his mouth.
She flipped herself up and threw a furious punch at me. It hit the side of my head, and I retaliated with a vicious uppercut. Her head snapped back and there was an audible crack as blood began to pour from her nose. Everyone gasped in shock, including her and myself. I had broken her nose.
"Oops," I said, shrugging my shoulders nonchalantly.
"What is wrong with you!?" she exploded furiously, "You should be happy- " She paused as Cordy cut her off with
"Not too happy, cuz y'know..." she trailed of under our furious stares and flinched as Buffy furiously yelled "Shut up, Cordelia! You should be happy that I'm back from the dead. In fact, from what Cordy was yelling at us when we arrived, you should be so happy that Angelus should be annoying me right now! What did I do?"
"What did you do?" I yelled back fiercely, "You gave up is what you did! You gave up and left me!"
"I left you?" she cried in complete disbelief, "Oh, of course. I left you! What, are we just going to pretend that the three years that you've lived in L.A. without me never happened? Three years that you gave up to let me have a 'normal life', cuz, y'know, being the Slayer doesn't stop me from having a normal life at all?!"
"I moved a couple towns over, Buffy, not into the next life!" I yelled back at her.
"You left me! You said you loved me, that we'd be together forever! You always promised me forever, and then ripped my heart up by leaving or doing something stupid like giving up your humanity!"
I froze in shock.
"Oh, shit," I heard Cordy mutter
"You - you remember?" I gasped
"I promised you that I'd never forget. Didn't you believe me?" she asked softly.
My mind flashed back to that day. Our perfect day when I was human and we were together. I remembered our conversation from when I told her that I was going to be turned back.
*~*~*~*
Angel walked down the stairs of his apartment to find Buffy waiting for him at the bottom.
"I'm guessing that expression isn't because they were all out of fresh OJ at the deli. What happened?" Buffy asked him.
"Nothing happened. I just -" Angel was cut off by his lover.
"Where have you been?"
"I went to see the Oracles. I asked them to turn me back."
"What? Why?"
"Because more than ever I know how much I love you," Buffy began to back away from him and he walked forward to stay with her.
"No. No, you didn't,"
"And if I stayed mortal, one of us would wind up dead. Maybe both of us. You heard what Morah said."
"Morah's dead! We killed him!"
"He said that others would come."
"They always come. And they always will. But that's my problem now, not yours, remember?"
"No. I won't just stand by and watch you fight, maybe die, alone!" Angel said, shaking his heard for emphasis.
"Then we fight together!"
"You saw what happened last night. If anything, I'm a liability to you. You take chances to protect me, and that's not just bad for you, it's bad for the people we were meant to help."
"So - What? You just took a whole 24 hours to weigh the ups and downs of being a regular Joe, and decided it was more fun being a superhero?"
"You know that's not it. How can we be together if the cost is your life, or the lives of others?" Buffy stared at him for a moment, and then he wrapped her in his arms as she bumped her head against his chest. "I couldn't tell you," he continued, "I wasn't sure if I could do it if I woke up with you one more morning."
"I understand," Buffy sniffled against his chest in a tiny voice, "So - what happens now?"
"The Oracles are giving us back the day. Turning back time so I can kill Morah before his blood makes me mortal," She looked up at him, and asked
"When?" Angel looked at the clock.
"Another minute,"
"A minute? No. No, it's not enough time!" she said, crying.
"We don't have a choice. It's done." Buffy looked up at him, her face crumpled.
"How am I supposed to go on with my life? Knowing what we had, what we could've had?"
"You won't. No one will know but me."
"Everything we did?" she whispered.
"It never happened." She shook her head frantically.
"It did! It did! I know it did!" she placed her hand above his heart, "I felt your heart beat," she whispered brokenly.
"Buffy..." Angel said in a pained voice. She pressed her lips to his in a urgent kiss. They broke apart and Buffy looked at the clock to see that the minute was almost up.
"No!" she cried, moving from foot to foot, "Oh, God! It's not enough time!" Angel began to cry too,
"Shh," he whispered, "Please, Please," they hugged tightly and Buffy placed her mouth next to his ear.
"I'll never forget. I'll never forget. I'll never forget. I'll never forget." There was a flash of bright white and they were back in his office, a day before.
*~*~*~*
"You knew? All the time?" I asked, quietly.
"No. I dreamed about it a lot, but I thought they were just dreams. I remembered as I jumped off the tower. When I died." she said
"You weren't supposed to remember. I - I'm so sorry." I said dumbly,
"It's okay. I understand why you didn't tell me," she murmered.
"Died? Gave up, you mean?" I said, remembering that we were in the middle of a heated argument.
"Yeah. So?"
"So? You just gave up! Even though you told me to fight! You always told me to fight!"
"I said we'd fight together! " she screamed at me, and then she sort of deflated, and sank to the floor. I rushed to catch her, and she collapsed, sobbing, into my arms.
"I said we'd fight together," she whispered, brokenly. "I didn't say I wanted to do it on my own. I didn't say that I wanted to go through college and Parker and the Initiative and Adam and my mom and Dawn 'the Key' and Glory and everything alone, did I?
"You - you weren't alone," muttered, "You had Giles and Xander and Anya and Willow and Tara and - " I gulped, hating his name, even though he was long gone, " and Riley," she smiled slightly at my hesitation to say his name.
"Riley - schmiley," she whispered, "You weren't there. You weren't there and you should have been!"
"You know why I had to leave. You needed someone who could make you happy,"
"Angel, you are what makes me happy. Look, I wasn't in Hell alright, I was in Heaven" she paused as everone except me gasped in shock. I had heard her earlier, I'd figured it out already.
"You know what Heaven's like? In Heaven, you are given the one thing in the world that would make you happiest. Not what you think would make you happy, what they know would make you happy. Like, for instance, some people think that being rich will make them happiest, yeah? Well, you only get money if it really will make you happy, no matter what you think. You know what I had? The one thing that I knew would make me the happiest I could be. Angel, in Heaven, I was with you. Not someone who can give me daylight and children and picnics. I don't want that if it's with someone who isn't you. You promised me that you'd always be there for me!"
"And I will be," I said
"No, you won't. You say you will, and you might even want to be, but you won't be really. You'll be here, with your life and your friends, in L.A., and I'll be in Sunnydale, with mine. Until I give up again because I'm not with you."
"You won't give up and you will be with me. We can do the long distance thing,"
"See there you -" She stopped, mid-sentence, "What?" she gasped, her eyes filled with both hope and fear.
I nodded, smiling slightly, and gently pressed my lips to her forehead. She lifted her face before my lips touched, and I found myself drowning in her lips again. Her hands moved up to run through my hair, and I spread my hands across her tiny back, smiling slightly as she sighed happily into my mouth.
"This is where I belong," she whispered against my lips. I nodded and continued the kiss.
"Aw hell, Slayer, you stupid bint!" Spike cried, outraged, "He just broke your nose! You're supposed to be pissed at the fact that he hates you for giving up on him, and come running to me for comfort and sex!"
Everyone else just looked at him, shocked and puzzled expressions in place. Buffy and I gazed at him in disgust and anger.
"What?" she asked incredulously. I growled slightly, low in my throat. What was going on here? She flashed me a small grin.
"He's in love with me," she explained. I exploded.
"What?" I yelled, shooting up from the floor and pinning Spike to the wall by his neck.
"Hey," he choked "Leggo, Angelus!" Buffy giggled at the scene for a minute or two, along with the rest of the 'Scooby Gang'.
"Why's he so mad? Angel's not supposed to hurt people. Buffy's pretty and seems nice, why shouldn't this man be in love with her?" I heard Fred ask.
"Slayer, get the bugger off of me!" Spike gurgled as he vamped out.
"Ohh," Fred murmured
"Angel, he's twisted. Okay, that's out in the open. Let him go, I like teasing him about being impotent." Buffy giggled at me. I looked at her, puzzled.
"Ohh!" Willow gasped, "Buffy, Angel doesn't know!"
"Know?" I asked
"The Initiative gave 'im a brain chip. He can't hurt anything human. Or anything with a human soul," Buffy smirked happily.
I grinned and let Spike drop to the floor, ignoring him completely I went back to Buffy.
"I'll never hate you, y'know," she said as she crawled onto my lap. I looked at her, confused. "Just in case you feel the need to leave me again, to prevent us both from the pain of me waking up one day and hating you for holding me back. I'll die before I get old enough for that to happen anyway, even if it was possible for that to happen,"
I thought about arguing with her about the dying thing, but I knew there was no point.
"I'm that readable, huh?"
"Totally!" All of the 'Scooby Gang' who were there when I left chorused. I grinned as Buffy melded her body as close to mine as possible whilst we were fully clothed, and attatched her lips to mine again. I heard Willow cough nervously and mumble,
"We'll just be going, then, shall we?" as everyone trailed out of the room.