This fic was intended to be a crazy little one-shot, but once I finished,
I had another cool idea to continue it, so here it is!
Disclaimer: I do not own Yu Yu Hakusho, Armani, Betty Crocker, Nestle, LA, or the song "California Dreamin'". "Schizophonic" is the name of Geri Halliwell's solo album, but I spell me word differently anyways. I might have mentioned some other brand names that I have over looked here, but I own NOTHING in this fic except Jeff's shiny brass name plate. ^_^
WARNING! This fic is Hiei/Kurama! If you have a problem with that, don't read this! You must NOT flame me b/c this is yaoi..because I warned you!
California Dreamin' By HieiNimbus3007 (NimbusXtreme3007)
His spit-shined shoes clicked annoyingly on the linoleum as he walked down the hallway. He passed a few women and winked at them as he did. They turned from him and whispered behind their hands. He just knew they were talking about how good he looked in his Armani, and how much better he would look without it, but in actuality they were saying "Look, there's the Prick. Maybe he'll *finally* get hit by that car today." He continued down the hall and reached a door. The door had a shiny brass plate screwed to it. He wiped it off with his sleeve and winked at his reflection. The plate read, Dr. Jeffrey Harold McLinktock, DDS. After admiring his golden face once more in this immaculate surface, he grasped the door handle and pushed it open.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!" That was the vowel he could remember once he entered his office and saw the...thing..sitting there on his beautiful leather couch. The thing had large red bloodshot eyes and wild, tangled black and white hair. It looked ready to kill. The Dr. backed up and banged into the door, causing it to slam shut. He frantically grasped at the handle, and tried to turn it, but the whole thing came loose and fell of into his hand.
The thing held out its palm. In it there were two brass-colored screws. "I thought you might try to back out of this, so I took the liberty of taking apart your only means of escape, so if you would, kindly SIT DOWN and let's get this over with."
The Dr. gaped at the thing wide-eyed and trembling.
"I am *Hiei*. I have a One O'clock appointment here with a Dr. Mackintosh. Now are you or are you not a Dr. Mackintosh? Personally, I hope you aren't because you look pretty mentally disturbed yourself."
The Dr. seemed to calm himself down a little then, finally realizing that this thing wasn't out to mutilate him. Not yet, at least. " I--I am Dr. Mackintosh...I mean, Dr. McLinktock."
"Well, which one are you?"
"Dr.-Dr. McLinktock." Hiei stood.
"Well, I'm looking for a Dr. Mackintosh."
"I *am*, I mean...we're the same person..."
"Oh, so you're one of *those* people. Skitzophobic, or skitzophonic or something. You know, they have Dr.s out there that can treat that kind of stuff. Now, where is the *real* Dr. Mackintosh's office?"
"There is no such person as Dr. Mackintosh." The Dr. had calmed down, and now was just annoyed. "You have an appointment with *me* Mr. um...Hiei."
"You Americans. You need to go back to your own country! First you say there is no such place as Area 51. *Then* you say there is no such thing as an orgasm. *Now* you are telling me that there is no such person as Dr. Mackintosh! I'm sure next you'll be denying that Betty Crocker was ever a real person! Listen, I called to make an appointment and the woman on the phone clearly told me to be in Dr. McLinktock's office at One O'clock."
"Exactly! I am Dr. McLinktock!"
"No you aren't! You're Dr. Mackintosh!"
"Just sit *down* Mr. Hiei. I assure you that I can treat your ailments just as good as Dr. Mackintosh."
"Stop speaking of yourself in 3rd person! You're going to drive me crazy!" And he sat.
Dr. McLinktock seated himself carefully behind his desk, careful not to wrinkle his suit, and smiled a grandfatherly smile at Hiei.
"Don't smile at me like that! Are you gay, or something?"
"NO!"
"Well, I'm not either. At least I don't think so... but these dreams..AAAAAA!"
"I take it these dreams are the reason you have come to me."
"Correct! Do you want a cookie?"
"Well, actually...a peanut butter.."
"It was a joke!"
"Okay!" The Dr. observed Hiei a moment longer, and 'noted' on his 'notepad' several little 'notes' that had nothing to do with Hiei at all, but he was being charged for, anyways. "Now. Tell me, Mr. Hiei..What exactly are these dreams that have been troubling you?"
"They are always about me and my *associate* Kurama. We are always..um, together."
"In a relationship?"
"Yes."
"Is this relationship physical?"
"Hey! Let's not get personal!"
"I didn't ask for details!"
"I didn't offer them!"
"Okay!"
"Fine!" They glared at each other, and the Dr. took a few more 'notes'.
"Okay, Mr. Hiei. Are there any more things about these dreams you wish to tell me?"
"We're always in America. We live together in Los Angeles."
"What do you do in Los Angeles?"
"He models underwear and I'm an executive for some big company. I don't remember which one. So he does that and I lug around a briefcase. We eat and get in car wrecks and cuss people out and shop for drapes. We fight and make up and listen to bad music. And that's really about it for most of the dreams. There are a few, though. The one's that really bug the hell out of me."
"And what do these dreams entail?"
"Oh, um. Mainly handcuffs and Nestle chocolate syrup. In a squeeze bottle. But that's none of your business."
"It *is* my business if these are the dreams that are troubling you, so swallow your pride and answer my questions, okay?"
"Fine."
"Good. Now when you wake up from these dreams, how do you feel?"
"Which dreams?"
"All of them."
"Most of the time I'm pissed because Kurama has done something really dumb like wreck my car or set the house on fire. Or set my hair on fire, he did that once."
"What about the rest of the times? The *other* dreams? How do you feel when you wake up from *them*"
"Oh...I, uh. I'm not...*mad*, I wouldn't use that word...um..actually I'm not sure what word I would use...in, um, this situation..." The Dr. grinned at him.
"Does it start with the letter h?" He sang. Hiei glared at him.
"I'm warning you, Dr. Macmillan!" The Dr. laughed and stood up at his desk.
"I know! I know the question, Alex! The question is: What is h-" Hiei lunged at him in one swift motion and clasped a hand around the Dr.'s mouth.
"Don't you *dare* say that! I am not! I was not! Kurama does *not*..." The DR. bit him. "OUCH!" He yanked his hand back, tripped over the Dr.'s 'notepad' lying on the floor and fell on his butt.
The Dr. continued his little song and dance routine. "Mr. Hiei's dreams about Mr. Kurama make his feel all *strange* inside! Hee hee hee! He jumped on top of his desk and began to dance *there*. "They make him...hee hee hee..feel something that starts with an H and rhymes with...sappy!"
Hiei looked at him with a confused expression on his face. "It does not rhyme with sappy! It rhymes with corny!" The Dr. exploded.
"Tricked you! Tricked you! Ha ha! You admitted it! Yes, you did! Mr. Hiei likes Mr. Kuraaaaamaaaa for more than just an 'Associate'!" Hiei jumped on him with a growl and shoved him onto the big chair he had been sitting in. He grabbed a dangerous-looking thing that was dangling from it, turned it on, and shoved it down the Dr.'s throat. He gurgled and sputtered as the water overflowed from his mouth and drenched the lapels of his suit. He pushed Hiei off of him and spat out the rest, gasping for air. Hiei walked over to the 'notepad' that was still laying on the floor and picked it up.
It read at the top "Crazy Dude" and below it had a very poorly drawn picture of himself. He turned to face the Dr. "Is this all you wrote?"
"Yes."
"Weren't you supposed to fill this thing up with a lot of words I don't understand and then assign some name for what's wrong with me and then give me some cute little pills I get to take twice a day after meals?"
"Not me. I don't know anything about that kind of stuff. I'm a dentist. You wanted the Dr. McLinktock on the *fourth* floor. *That's* the psychiatric ward."
Hiei stared at him. "Are you , like, a real sicko or something?"
"I dunno. Maybe. I should go ask Dr. McLinktock." Hiei grasped his ears in pain.
"No! Third person! Can't handle it! AAAA!" And he ran from the room.
"Hee hee hee..."
Hiei ran all the way home. When he reached it and he finally managed to unlock his door he pretty much passed out on his couch.
"Hiei, is something the matter?" Kurama asked from somewhere behind him.
"No. Nothing at all, I just don't feel very good." Hiei sighed and ran his fingers through his spiky hair.
"I think I know just what the doctor ordered." Hiei turned around, and immediately regretted doing so. Kurama stood there in full nurse regalia. A short skirt with an apron. The red cross emblem his frilly top. He was even wearing the dumb little hat! To make it worse, he was holding a bottle of chocolate syrup. Hiei was shocked to find himself thinking that Kurama had pretty good-looking legs, and he was shocked at his sudden craving for chocolate...That's when he realized that he was already holding the handcuffs...
Again he woke up sweating and found that he was no longer on the couch, but on the floor. He heard the phone ringing. "Why?" He asked himself aloud "Why does someone *always* call when I'm in the middle of a good dream?" He gasped aloud after he heard himself say those words but then pulled himself from the floor to answer the offending telephone.
"Hello?"
"Hi, Hiei. I didn't wake you, did I?"
"Oh, um...no, Kurama." Hiei was sweating even more now. "What if he knows?" A voice within his head asked. "What if he can read minds, and he saw that whole dream? What if he saw what I did to him? What if that evil Dr. McGuire told him?" Then another voice jumped in to the conversation. "Be serious, Hiei. He doesn't know. He can't read minds and Dr. McGillicuddy doesn't know anything about him except that his first name's Kurama. Relax, okay?"
"That's good. Listen, I know it's kind-of late. It's nearly 11, but I just ran into an old friend of mine from years ago and we're going out for a few drinks. He's new around here, so I told him I'd bring along a few of my other friends for him to meet. Yusuke is coming. So is Kuwabara."
Hiei sighed. "I would rather *not* go out for drinks in the middle of the night with Kuwabara, but after a day like today, I think I need something strong. So I'll come."
"Great! Thanks! Can you be here in about 10 minutes?"
"Yeah." And he hung up the phone. He looked down, and saw another problem that he knew he had to take care of before he left. "Damn dreams. I don't like *Kurama*!" And he went off to the bathroom.
He arrived about five minutes past fashionably late. His, um, 'problem' had been a little more serious this time. He reached the door to the apartment, which swung open before he even had the opportunity to ring the bell. Kurama smiled at him. "Hurry up and come inside! Jeff is telling the funniest story!" He grabbed Hiei's arm and pulled him inside. Hiei could hear a voice, in the living room, probably, that sounded oddly familiar.
"-and then, he said that the dreams involved handcuffs and chocolate syrup!"
"What kind?" He recognized Kuwabara's stupid voice.
"Nestle!" As he heard everyone laugh heartily, a cold and icy fear seeped through him all the way to his bones. It couldn't be..could it?
"Who was this guy?" He heard Yusuke ask.
"I don't remember. I think his name was Harold. He was really short and scary looking." Kurama pulled Hiei into the room and everyone stared at him.
Kuwabara chuckled. "Did he look kind-a like Hiei?" Everyone laughed, but Hiei felt like he was going to cry. Jeff looked at him closely.
"Yeah, actually, they do favor. Except this other guy had really matted hair. And he wasn't as pale as this guy. What's your name, again?" Hiei tried to answer, but his vocal chords seemed to have stopped working. So did his heart.
"His name is Hiei." Yusuke told him.
The voice in Hiei's head screamed, "You will regret this night, Urameshi!"
"Hiei...Hiei," Jeff repeated, and then his eyes got big and round and a huge carnivorous smile broke over his face. He looked at Hiei with new realization. Hiei glared at him. A gaze that said "Shut up unless you never want to see your balls again!" So Jeff shut his mouth and looked away, trying to contain himself.
"You should have heard the whole story, Hiei! It's the best! See, Jeff here is a dentist, and some guy came to him today thinking he was a psyciatrist and told him all this hilarious stuff about these dreams he had had about some dude named Kurama!" Yusuke laughed.
"Sounds...funny." Hiei managed and swallowed hard. He glanced nervously at Dr. Jeffrey Harold McLinktock, who looked like he was about to explode. Hiei was convinced that before the night was over he was going to do one of four things. 1) Kill Jeff McLinktock before he told everyone that *he* was the guy, 2) Be sick all over his own shoes, 3) Be sick all over Jeff's shoes (which were a bit more expensive than his), or 4) All of the above.
Disclaimer: I do not own Yu Yu Hakusho, Armani, Betty Crocker, Nestle, LA, or the song "California Dreamin'". "Schizophonic" is the name of Geri Halliwell's solo album, but I spell me word differently anyways. I might have mentioned some other brand names that I have over looked here, but I own NOTHING in this fic except Jeff's shiny brass name plate. ^_^
WARNING! This fic is Hiei/Kurama! If you have a problem with that, don't read this! You must NOT flame me b/c this is yaoi..because I warned you!
California Dreamin' By HieiNimbus3007 (NimbusXtreme3007)
His spit-shined shoes clicked annoyingly on the linoleum as he walked down the hallway. He passed a few women and winked at them as he did. They turned from him and whispered behind their hands. He just knew they were talking about how good he looked in his Armani, and how much better he would look without it, but in actuality they were saying "Look, there's the Prick. Maybe he'll *finally* get hit by that car today." He continued down the hall and reached a door. The door had a shiny brass plate screwed to it. He wiped it off with his sleeve and winked at his reflection. The plate read, Dr. Jeffrey Harold McLinktock, DDS. After admiring his golden face once more in this immaculate surface, he grasped the door handle and pushed it open.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!" That was the vowel he could remember once he entered his office and saw the...thing..sitting there on his beautiful leather couch. The thing had large red bloodshot eyes and wild, tangled black and white hair. It looked ready to kill. The Dr. backed up and banged into the door, causing it to slam shut. He frantically grasped at the handle, and tried to turn it, but the whole thing came loose and fell of into his hand.
The thing held out its palm. In it there were two brass-colored screws. "I thought you might try to back out of this, so I took the liberty of taking apart your only means of escape, so if you would, kindly SIT DOWN and let's get this over with."
The Dr. gaped at the thing wide-eyed and trembling.
"I am *Hiei*. I have a One O'clock appointment here with a Dr. Mackintosh. Now are you or are you not a Dr. Mackintosh? Personally, I hope you aren't because you look pretty mentally disturbed yourself."
The Dr. seemed to calm himself down a little then, finally realizing that this thing wasn't out to mutilate him. Not yet, at least. " I--I am Dr. Mackintosh...I mean, Dr. McLinktock."
"Well, which one are you?"
"Dr.-Dr. McLinktock." Hiei stood.
"Well, I'm looking for a Dr. Mackintosh."
"I *am*, I mean...we're the same person..."
"Oh, so you're one of *those* people. Skitzophobic, or skitzophonic or something. You know, they have Dr.s out there that can treat that kind of stuff. Now, where is the *real* Dr. Mackintosh's office?"
"There is no such person as Dr. Mackintosh." The Dr. had calmed down, and now was just annoyed. "You have an appointment with *me* Mr. um...Hiei."
"You Americans. You need to go back to your own country! First you say there is no such place as Area 51. *Then* you say there is no such thing as an orgasm. *Now* you are telling me that there is no such person as Dr. Mackintosh! I'm sure next you'll be denying that Betty Crocker was ever a real person! Listen, I called to make an appointment and the woman on the phone clearly told me to be in Dr. McLinktock's office at One O'clock."
"Exactly! I am Dr. McLinktock!"
"No you aren't! You're Dr. Mackintosh!"
"Just sit *down* Mr. Hiei. I assure you that I can treat your ailments just as good as Dr. Mackintosh."
"Stop speaking of yourself in 3rd person! You're going to drive me crazy!" And he sat.
Dr. McLinktock seated himself carefully behind his desk, careful not to wrinkle his suit, and smiled a grandfatherly smile at Hiei.
"Don't smile at me like that! Are you gay, or something?"
"NO!"
"Well, I'm not either. At least I don't think so... but these dreams..AAAAAA!"
"I take it these dreams are the reason you have come to me."
"Correct! Do you want a cookie?"
"Well, actually...a peanut butter.."
"It was a joke!"
"Okay!" The Dr. observed Hiei a moment longer, and 'noted' on his 'notepad' several little 'notes' that had nothing to do with Hiei at all, but he was being charged for, anyways. "Now. Tell me, Mr. Hiei..What exactly are these dreams that have been troubling you?"
"They are always about me and my *associate* Kurama. We are always..um, together."
"In a relationship?"
"Yes."
"Is this relationship physical?"
"Hey! Let's not get personal!"
"I didn't ask for details!"
"I didn't offer them!"
"Okay!"
"Fine!" They glared at each other, and the Dr. took a few more 'notes'.
"Okay, Mr. Hiei. Are there any more things about these dreams you wish to tell me?"
"We're always in America. We live together in Los Angeles."
"What do you do in Los Angeles?"
"He models underwear and I'm an executive for some big company. I don't remember which one. So he does that and I lug around a briefcase. We eat and get in car wrecks and cuss people out and shop for drapes. We fight and make up and listen to bad music. And that's really about it for most of the dreams. There are a few, though. The one's that really bug the hell out of me."
"And what do these dreams entail?"
"Oh, um. Mainly handcuffs and Nestle chocolate syrup. In a squeeze bottle. But that's none of your business."
"It *is* my business if these are the dreams that are troubling you, so swallow your pride and answer my questions, okay?"
"Fine."
"Good. Now when you wake up from these dreams, how do you feel?"
"Which dreams?"
"All of them."
"Most of the time I'm pissed because Kurama has done something really dumb like wreck my car or set the house on fire. Or set my hair on fire, he did that once."
"What about the rest of the times? The *other* dreams? How do you feel when you wake up from *them*"
"Oh...I, uh. I'm not...*mad*, I wouldn't use that word...um..actually I'm not sure what word I would use...in, um, this situation..." The Dr. grinned at him.
"Does it start with the letter h?" He sang. Hiei glared at him.
"I'm warning you, Dr. Macmillan!" The Dr. laughed and stood up at his desk.
"I know! I know the question, Alex! The question is: What is h-" Hiei lunged at him in one swift motion and clasped a hand around the Dr.'s mouth.
"Don't you *dare* say that! I am not! I was not! Kurama does *not*..." The DR. bit him. "OUCH!" He yanked his hand back, tripped over the Dr.'s 'notepad' lying on the floor and fell on his butt.
The Dr. continued his little song and dance routine. "Mr. Hiei's dreams about Mr. Kurama make his feel all *strange* inside! Hee hee hee! He jumped on top of his desk and began to dance *there*. "They make him...hee hee hee..feel something that starts with an H and rhymes with...sappy!"
Hiei looked at him with a confused expression on his face. "It does not rhyme with sappy! It rhymes with corny!" The Dr. exploded.
"Tricked you! Tricked you! Ha ha! You admitted it! Yes, you did! Mr. Hiei likes Mr. Kuraaaaamaaaa for more than just an 'Associate'!" Hiei jumped on him with a growl and shoved him onto the big chair he had been sitting in. He grabbed a dangerous-looking thing that was dangling from it, turned it on, and shoved it down the Dr.'s throat. He gurgled and sputtered as the water overflowed from his mouth and drenched the lapels of his suit. He pushed Hiei off of him and spat out the rest, gasping for air. Hiei walked over to the 'notepad' that was still laying on the floor and picked it up.
It read at the top "Crazy Dude" and below it had a very poorly drawn picture of himself. He turned to face the Dr. "Is this all you wrote?"
"Yes."
"Weren't you supposed to fill this thing up with a lot of words I don't understand and then assign some name for what's wrong with me and then give me some cute little pills I get to take twice a day after meals?"
"Not me. I don't know anything about that kind of stuff. I'm a dentist. You wanted the Dr. McLinktock on the *fourth* floor. *That's* the psychiatric ward."
Hiei stared at him. "Are you , like, a real sicko or something?"
"I dunno. Maybe. I should go ask Dr. McLinktock." Hiei grasped his ears in pain.
"No! Third person! Can't handle it! AAAA!" And he ran from the room.
"Hee hee hee..."
Hiei ran all the way home. When he reached it and he finally managed to unlock his door he pretty much passed out on his couch.
"Hiei, is something the matter?" Kurama asked from somewhere behind him.
"No. Nothing at all, I just don't feel very good." Hiei sighed and ran his fingers through his spiky hair.
"I think I know just what the doctor ordered." Hiei turned around, and immediately regretted doing so. Kurama stood there in full nurse regalia. A short skirt with an apron. The red cross emblem his frilly top. He was even wearing the dumb little hat! To make it worse, he was holding a bottle of chocolate syrup. Hiei was shocked to find himself thinking that Kurama had pretty good-looking legs, and he was shocked at his sudden craving for chocolate...That's when he realized that he was already holding the handcuffs...
Again he woke up sweating and found that he was no longer on the couch, but on the floor. He heard the phone ringing. "Why?" He asked himself aloud "Why does someone *always* call when I'm in the middle of a good dream?" He gasped aloud after he heard himself say those words but then pulled himself from the floor to answer the offending telephone.
"Hello?"
"Hi, Hiei. I didn't wake you, did I?"
"Oh, um...no, Kurama." Hiei was sweating even more now. "What if he knows?" A voice within his head asked. "What if he can read minds, and he saw that whole dream? What if he saw what I did to him? What if that evil Dr. McGuire told him?" Then another voice jumped in to the conversation. "Be serious, Hiei. He doesn't know. He can't read minds and Dr. McGillicuddy doesn't know anything about him except that his first name's Kurama. Relax, okay?"
"That's good. Listen, I know it's kind-of late. It's nearly 11, but I just ran into an old friend of mine from years ago and we're going out for a few drinks. He's new around here, so I told him I'd bring along a few of my other friends for him to meet. Yusuke is coming. So is Kuwabara."
Hiei sighed. "I would rather *not* go out for drinks in the middle of the night with Kuwabara, but after a day like today, I think I need something strong. So I'll come."
"Great! Thanks! Can you be here in about 10 minutes?"
"Yeah." And he hung up the phone. He looked down, and saw another problem that he knew he had to take care of before he left. "Damn dreams. I don't like *Kurama*!" And he went off to the bathroom.
He arrived about five minutes past fashionably late. His, um, 'problem' had been a little more serious this time. He reached the door to the apartment, which swung open before he even had the opportunity to ring the bell. Kurama smiled at him. "Hurry up and come inside! Jeff is telling the funniest story!" He grabbed Hiei's arm and pulled him inside. Hiei could hear a voice, in the living room, probably, that sounded oddly familiar.
"-and then, he said that the dreams involved handcuffs and chocolate syrup!"
"What kind?" He recognized Kuwabara's stupid voice.
"Nestle!" As he heard everyone laugh heartily, a cold and icy fear seeped through him all the way to his bones. It couldn't be..could it?
"Who was this guy?" He heard Yusuke ask.
"I don't remember. I think his name was Harold. He was really short and scary looking." Kurama pulled Hiei into the room and everyone stared at him.
Kuwabara chuckled. "Did he look kind-a like Hiei?" Everyone laughed, but Hiei felt like he was going to cry. Jeff looked at him closely.
"Yeah, actually, they do favor. Except this other guy had really matted hair. And he wasn't as pale as this guy. What's your name, again?" Hiei tried to answer, but his vocal chords seemed to have stopped working. So did his heart.
"His name is Hiei." Yusuke told him.
The voice in Hiei's head screamed, "You will regret this night, Urameshi!"
"Hiei...Hiei," Jeff repeated, and then his eyes got big and round and a huge carnivorous smile broke over his face. He looked at Hiei with new realization. Hiei glared at him. A gaze that said "Shut up unless you never want to see your balls again!" So Jeff shut his mouth and looked away, trying to contain himself.
"You should have heard the whole story, Hiei! It's the best! See, Jeff here is a dentist, and some guy came to him today thinking he was a psyciatrist and told him all this hilarious stuff about these dreams he had had about some dude named Kurama!" Yusuke laughed.
"Sounds...funny." Hiei managed and swallowed hard. He glanced nervously at Dr. Jeffrey Harold McLinktock, who looked like he was about to explode. Hiei was convinced that before the night was over he was going to do one of four things. 1) Kill Jeff McLinktock before he told everyone that *he* was the guy, 2) Be sick all over his own shoes, 3) Be sick all over Jeff's shoes (which were a bit more expensive than his), or 4) All of the above.