++Spoiler Alert for Volume 9 and Reload Volume 1++
Here comes another chapter! (Finally) I'm so glad people like my story ... So keep on to R&R, you don't know how happy I am when I get many reviews!! Whew ... this chapter was hard! ^_^ I took a few liberties in translating and in this story, it's Sanzô who killed Yakumo in the end. Well we don't know exactly who did it, do we^^ My humblest apologizes for typos and grammatic errors *bows*
PS: Saiyuki is still not mine =(
Three: Fragments of guilt
The first time "guilt" enters our life is always painful. If you are the wronged one or the one who commited the sin, either way this event marks a changing point in your life. When you are found guilty the first time, that is, if you are fully conscious of the consequences of your deeds, you are not a child anymore. The innocence of childhood is gone, the world split in two, and although people try to reattain it through different methods like prayer and meditations, only very few succeed.
When I realized for the first time that I was not quite like the other disciples in the temple, I was eight. Maybe I was younger, but this is what I remember. Earlier, I had not noticed them staring and whispering when I was sweeping the temple grounds or doing other tasks for my master. At first, I wondered whether there was something wrong with me. I did not understand that they despised me because master favoured me over others. Although I never admitted it to anyone, not even master, their contempt left marks.
Buddhism teaches the preserving of life. I broke this rule at the age of thirteen, shortly after my master's death. The man still moved after I had shot him and I pulled the trigger again and again, screaming, wishing he would stop to stir. I don't know whether I was horrified of what I had done or scared of the man who had attacked me. Maybe both. After this I have killed countless times. Killing is one of the few things that can still evoke feelings within me. After this, I have been found guilty for countless times.
My weakness is my guilt. Whenever I showed weakness, someone dear to me would die or get hurt. First, it was my master. Then Shuuei. I couldn't save neither of them. Both of them died, and I lived. I walked away from the place where I had taken my friend's life and we continued our journey. I continued to live. We have stared death in the face numerous times during our journey, and yet, life goes on. It is so tiresome.
I've hurt my companions, especially Gokû, so many times with harsh words and outbursts of unjustified anger. But this is the "me" that I have moulded over long years and I can't change anymore. I couldn't have any respect for myself if I behaved in another way. I can only hope that they will, somehow, understand. I'm too tired to deal with the feelings of other people, dealing with my own is hard enough. I don't want to get involved with other people too much. It is so tiresome.
I shot through Hakkai's body in order to kill Kami-sama. And after Kami- sama's death and our flight from the collapsing castle, I found that I could look neither Hakkai nor Gokû in the eyes. Hakkai understood, and so would Gôjyô if he had seen what I had done. But I was afraid at the very thought of Gokû learning that I had shot Hakkai. I feared that he'd look at me, innocent golden eyes widened in disbelief and shock. Then their expression would change to loathing ... The question that I had feared shook me out of my pondering. "Say, Sanzô, did you shoot Hakkai for real?" "No, I didn't. I aimed properly." The lie came out of my mouth almost by itself. Anxiously, I waited for Hakkai's reaction and stared in the wide, open sky. No clouds at all. I didn't want Gokû to know. I don't want him to know this side of me. Laughter rippled beside me. Hakkai smiled. "Ahaha. But two bullets grazed me, you know." I felt utterly relieved.
"Get in." I sat on the driver's seat of the jeep and waited for my companions to recover from their surprise. "I don't want you half-dead people to cause an accident so I'm driving." I sought Hakkai's gaze. He smiled his Hakkai-smile. "Well, if you say so." It was hard to not let my relief show. He accepted my apologize.
Snowflakes danced in the cold air on that day. The ceaselessly falling snow stifled all noises but the gunshot that killed Yakumo could be heard for miles. His blood oozed away and colored the white of the snow into a distasteful light-red. Again, I had been unable to save a friend. Another scar was added. And I wonder how many will follow.
Why do these things happen? I worked so hard to be self-sufficient, and still ... People get hurt or killed because of my deficiency. Why is that so? Am I still too weak? That must be it ... I always fail the people dear to me. Why do you even like me, saru? I don't understand you. Not that I ever made an effort to understand. It is too tiresome.
These were really fragments ... *sweatdrop* Do you see the "red thread" in the story?? Neither do I -.- Well ... you could say the theme of this chapter is that Sanzô can't realize that whatever he does, it won't prevent him getting hurt. And he's hurting himself, trying so hard to be strong all the time. I wanted to show that he can't go on like that, blaming himself for everything that goes the wrong way. Hope it shows in the story. Why do I have the feeling that this chapter sucked?? *depressed* Like it or not: go and write a review!!!
-Female Sanzou
PS: Happy Birthday Sanzô!! I love you! *smile*
Here comes another chapter! (Finally) I'm so glad people like my story ... So keep on to R&R, you don't know how happy I am when I get many reviews!! Whew ... this chapter was hard! ^_^ I took a few liberties in translating and in this story, it's Sanzô who killed Yakumo in the end. Well we don't know exactly who did it, do we^^ My humblest apologizes for typos and grammatic errors *bows*
PS: Saiyuki is still not mine =(
Three: Fragments of guilt
The first time "guilt" enters our life is always painful. If you are the wronged one or the one who commited the sin, either way this event marks a changing point in your life. When you are found guilty the first time, that is, if you are fully conscious of the consequences of your deeds, you are not a child anymore. The innocence of childhood is gone, the world split in two, and although people try to reattain it through different methods like prayer and meditations, only very few succeed.
When I realized for the first time that I was not quite like the other disciples in the temple, I was eight. Maybe I was younger, but this is what I remember. Earlier, I had not noticed them staring and whispering when I was sweeping the temple grounds or doing other tasks for my master. At first, I wondered whether there was something wrong with me. I did not understand that they despised me because master favoured me over others. Although I never admitted it to anyone, not even master, their contempt left marks.
Buddhism teaches the preserving of life. I broke this rule at the age of thirteen, shortly after my master's death. The man still moved after I had shot him and I pulled the trigger again and again, screaming, wishing he would stop to stir. I don't know whether I was horrified of what I had done or scared of the man who had attacked me. Maybe both. After this I have killed countless times. Killing is one of the few things that can still evoke feelings within me. After this, I have been found guilty for countless times.
My weakness is my guilt. Whenever I showed weakness, someone dear to me would die or get hurt. First, it was my master. Then Shuuei. I couldn't save neither of them. Both of them died, and I lived. I walked away from the place where I had taken my friend's life and we continued our journey. I continued to live. We have stared death in the face numerous times during our journey, and yet, life goes on. It is so tiresome.
I've hurt my companions, especially Gokû, so many times with harsh words and outbursts of unjustified anger. But this is the "me" that I have moulded over long years and I can't change anymore. I couldn't have any respect for myself if I behaved in another way. I can only hope that they will, somehow, understand. I'm too tired to deal with the feelings of other people, dealing with my own is hard enough. I don't want to get involved with other people too much. It is so tiresome.
I shot through Hakkai's body in order to kill Kami-sama. And after Kami- sama's death and our flight from the collapsing castle, I found that I could look neither Hakkai nor Gokû in the eyes. Hakkai understood, and so would Gôjyô if he had seen what I had done. But I was afraid at the very thought of Gokû learning that I had shot Hakkai. I feared that he'd look at me, innocent golden eyes widened in disbelief and shock. Then their expression would change to loathing ... The question that I had feared shook me out of my pondering. "Say, Sanzô, did you shoot Hakkai for real?" "No, I didn't. I aimed properly." The lie came out of my mouth almost by itself. Anxiously, I waited for Hakkai's reaction and stared in the wide, open sky. No clouds at all. I didn't want Gokû to know. I don't want him to know this side of me. Laughter rippled beside me. Hakkai smiled. "Ahaha. But two bullets grazed me, you know." I felt utterly relieved.
"Get in." I sat on the driver's seat of the jeep and waited for my companions to recover from their surprise. "I don't want you half-dead people to cause an accident so I'm driving." I sought Hakkai's gaze. He smiled his Hakkai-smile. "Well, if you say so." It was hard to not let my relief show. He accepted my apologize.
Snowflakes danced in the cold air on that day. The ceaselessly falling snow stifled all noises but the gunshot that killed Yakumo could be heard for miles. His blood oozed away and colored the white of the snow into a distasteful light-red. Again, I had been unable to save a friend. Another scar was added. And I wonder how many will follow.
Why do these things happen? I worked so hard to be self-sufficient, and still ... People get hurt or killed because of my deficiency. Why is that so? Am I still too weak? That must be it ... I always fail the people dear to me. Why do you even like me, saru? I don't understand you. Not that I ever made an effort to understand. It is too tiresome.
These were really fragments ... *sweatdrop* Do you see the "red thread" in the story?? Neither do I -.- Well ... you could say the theme of this chapter is that Sanzô can't realize that whatever he does, it won't prevent him getting hurt. And he's hurting himself, trying so hard to be strong all the time. I wanted to show that he can't go on like that, blaming himself for everything that goes the wrong way. Hope it shows in the story. Why do I have the feeling that this chapter sucked?? *depressed* Like it or not: go and write a review!!!
-Female Sanzou
PS: Happy Birthday Sanzô!! I love you! *smile*