A/N - The things you come up with when reading PoA for what must be the fifteenth time... well, at any rate, this is an angst story, my first story, actually, an angst that will be multi-chaptered. Does the title tell you who the main character is? Does the fact that it's set in Azkaban tell you, if you really had no clue whatsoever?...
Twelve years alone listening to hate-filled voices in your head isn't fun. This is how close Sirius Black actually came to insanity, despite knowing he was innocent.
Disclaimer - I own nothing. I don't even own a cell in Azkaban, let alone a wand or even a single brass Knut. I am SO disappointed. *Marauders sigh in temporary relief* Wait - I don't own anything YET... *wicked grin* *Marauders shriek in horror and run from the obsessed Author*
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The house stood quiet, its windows dark and empty. For a brief instant only, they caught the bright gleam of the motorcyle's headlights before they were switched off. The motor's roar ceased, leaving the street once more in sleepy silence.
A young man, cloaked in black, hurriedly dismounted and ran up the steps to the house. He rapped urgently on the door.
No answer.
"Peter, open up, quick. It's just me, Sirius." He knocked again, this time in the code the two had formulated to help Peter distinguish an impostor from the real Sirius Black.
No answer.
Sirius felt his heart rise into his mouth. Peter had never before failed to answer the pass-code. He might have been paranoid about Voldemort's minions finding him, but he'd always answered before. Why did he not answer now? Was he out? No, Peter had known Sirius would be here tonight to check up on him. Was he asleep?
Glancing down the street, he withdrew his wands from his robes. "Alohomora!" he whispered.
The lock clicked open. Sirius swung the door open and advanced cautiously, wand still out.
The quiet ticking of the grandfather clock in the living room was the only sound.
"Wormtail?"
Again, no answer.
"Lumos," Sirius muttered, moving from the front hall to the kitchen, then the living room, the bedroom, the basement.
"Wormtail?" He called a little louder. "It's Padfoot; it's safe to come out -"
No answer.
Dread swept in and Sirius went cold. Where was Peter? If he wasn't here, where was he? There was no sign of a struggle, no sign of a quick escape. Nothing was out of place - and yet Peter was gone as though he'd never been.
A thought hit him like a ton of bricks. No, he thought, panic-stricken. He wouldn't have. Pete's loyal - he wouldn't have betrayed them - he couldn't have! Could he?...
Lily and James. If Peter was the spy - If he'd already gone to Voldemort - Lily and James were in mortal peril...
Sirius dashed out of the house, not bothering to lock back up. Time was of the essence. He had to get to Lily and James, before it was too late, he had to. Peter couldn't have been gone that long...
He leapt aboard him motorcycle and gunned the motor. The bike roared to life and Sirius soared swiftly into the night sky.
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Hagrid emerged from the ruins of the house in Godric's Hollow, carefully cradling a tiny bundle. The rumble of a motorcycle engine made him glance swiftly up.
Sirius landed hard and skidded to a stop in front of the ruined house. He stumbled off, eyes terrified. He didn't even appear to notice Hagrid with his small burden; he just stared at what was left of Lily and James' house in absolute horror. All colour drained from his face. "No!" he moaned, unable to take his eyes off the ruin. "This isn't happening - it can't be - oh god - James - Lily -" He overcame his immobility and dashed for the door. Sirius was about to enter when Hagrid's huge hand on his shoulder halted him. He whirled around.
"Hagrid! What's happened - what are you doing -"
"Yeh don' want ter go in there, Sirius," Hagrid said sharply. "It's not a pretty sight."
Sirius' face flushed with anger. "I don't care! Let me go! You're talking about Lily and James, I need to see -" He struggled in Hagrid's firm grip.
"You-Know-Who got 'em, Sirius. There's nothin' yeh can do - they're - they're dead." The giant's eyes were suspiciously wet, and he sniffled mightily.
All the fight seemed to go out of Sirius, and he would have fallen if Hagrid hadn't been holding him upright. He buried his white face in his hands. Sirius' whole body began shaking with silent grief.
"I know, it's bad. Who'da thought? Lily an' James, who'd want ter kill them, besides You-Know-Who, o'course? I'm sorry, they was me friends too. It's so hard ter think o' 'em gone. It can' be, was me thoughts when Dumbledore sen' me here. I don' want them ter be dead any more'n yeh, Sirius. I'm sorry...I know they was yer bes' friends...I'm so sorry..." Awkwardly, Hagrid attempted to comfort the distraught man, switching his small, precious bundle to his other arm as he patted Sirius on the back. Sirius continued sobbing, though tears would not come, his grief-stricken mind spinning with pain.
"Young Harry's still alive, though," Hagrid added after a moment.
Swiftly, Sirius' head came up. "What - you're joking - nothing could have survived an attack from Voldemort -" His voice shook.
Hagrid flinched at the name. "Sorry," Sirius apologized quickly. "I forgot -"
The giant waved away the apology. "Ferget it. But yeah, he's alive. Don' ask me how. You-Know-Who tried ter kill him - 'though, why a baby was a danger ter him's beyon' me - an' the curse bounced - bounced righ' back on You-Know-Who. You-Know-Who's gone now."
Sirius didn't register the information right away. What did it matter if Voldemort was gone if Lily and James were dead? But Harry -
"May I see Harry?" Sirius asked tremulously. He passed a hand over his wet eyes, roughly, trying to compose himself. He had to make sure his godson was OK...
Hagrid held out the small bundle that Sirius hadn't noticed before to the grieving man. Sirius took it tenderly, cradling the small boy close. He felt Harry shift in his arms.
Harry was awake, and when Sirius pulled back the blanket to see his face better, wide green eyes stared curiously up at him. Sirius had to bite his tongue to keep back the pain. Those were Lily's eyes, through and through, set in a babyish copy of James' face. A lightning-bolt cut, still fresh, marred his forehead - the remnants of the curse Voldemort had used against the baby, unsuccessfully.
"Pa'foo'?" Harry said in a clear baby voice. He'd just learned to talk a few weeks before, and already he knew several simple words. "Pa'foo'." Harry reached up a small chubby hand and patted his godfather's cheek gently. Then a frown creased his face. "Ma?" he asked tremulously. "Da?"
Sirius' heart nearly broke at the plea in Harry's voice. How could he tell him - "They're gone," he whispered softly, holding the small boy tight. "Gone, Harry...I'm so sorry..."
Harry whimpered, and the grief-stricken young man loosened off his grip, realizing he was nearly strangling the baby. He wished he could cry - anything to unlock the pain that was suffocating him -
"Pa'foo'?" Harry repeated. He knew something was wrong, but he wasn't sure what.
"Where're you taking him to, Hagrid?" Sirius asked, suddenly realizing that this must be the reason Hagrid had rescued Harry. He attempted to ignore his godson's pleas.
"Dumbledore's orders. Her's ter be put with his aunt an' uncle."
"What!" Sirius was aghast. "Not Petunia and Vernon!" he groaned, holding Harry protectively. "He can't! They're the worst sort of Muggles you could ever find - Vol - You-Know-Who, sorry, could've cursed them into oblivion before they'd recognize magic."
An idea occurred to him. "You could give Harry to me," he said, hoping. Raising Harry would be so much better than letting him go to the Dursleys and letting the last part of James and Lily slip away forever. "I'll look after him. I'm his godfather, you know. I promised to take care of him should anything ever happen. He'd be safe with me, I promise -"
But Hagrid was shaking his head. "Sorry, Sirius. I've got me orders. He's ter stay with his relatives."
"But that's not what James and Lily would have wanted - I'm all he has left of them, Hagrid - he's all I have left -"
"I'm really sorry. But tha's the way Dumbledore wants it, so tha's the way it's ter be," the giant said regretfully.
"You don't know those people - they're horrible! If Harry goes to him they'll treat him like slime, like a burden. Petunia hates - hated - Lily, she's not going to want to take in her son!" pleaded Sirius, clasping the baby closer. This could not be happening. He couldn't lose Harry. He couldn't. "He doesn't even know them - not that I'd ever want him to - I'm like a third parent to him, Hagrid - please, Hagrid - you heard him, Harry knows me. Don't take him away from me. He's like a son to me - I'd keep him safe..."
"Dumbledore'll sor' it out," Hagrid said, sounding unhappy. "I don' want him ter grow up with the Muggles either, but I trus' Dumbledore."
"We could talk to Dumbledore - maybe I could make him see -"
Hagrid was beginning to sound exasperated. "Dumbledore's given me me orders, I'm jus' follerin' them! I don' feel righ' about givin' him ter someone I don' know, but there 'tis. You bloody well know he's got his reasons,always does, Dumbledore, an' s'not fer us ter fathom 'em! An' he's expectin' me ter bring Harry ter him soon, an' I need ter be gettin' goin' or I'll be late!" Seeing Sirius' crestfallen expression, he added, "I can' tell yeh how sorry I am, Sirius."
The young man slumped further, feeling sick with grief and despair. His eyes were dark and lifeless, his voice hollow as he replied in a hopeless voice, "Then take Harry to Dumbledore - and take my motorcycle to get him there. It'll be faster. If it means Harry will be safe, then speed is of essence. Go on, take it. I don't think I'll be needing it anymore - Just let me say good-bye to Harry..."
Hagrid nodded. "If tha's what yeh want."
Sirius lifted Harry to eyelevel. The boy stared earnestly back at him. "I'm gonna miss you, Harry," he murmured. "Don't let the Muggles get you down, OK? And try to remember uncle Padfoot."
"Pa'foo' go?" Harry asked worriedly.
"Yes, Harry. I've got to. I can't stay with you, much as I'd like to."
"No!" he said stubbornly.
"I have to, Harry. I'm sorry."
Harry threw his arms about Sirius' neck with amazing strength for one so young. "No. Pa'foo' 'tay. 'Tay."
Sirius hadn't known Harry had grown so articulate. He let Harry's arms stay where they were for a moment more before gently disentangling the small boy. He cleared his throat huskily, blinked hard, and touched his lips to Harry's forehead before handing the boy gently back to Hagrid. "Be careful with him, OK? I'm going to stay here for awhile, there's something I have to do -"
Hagrid gave Sirius a sympathetic look, then tucked Harry carefully into a large sling across his chest and mounted Sirius' bike. "Thanks, Sirius. Yeh don' do anythin' stupid, now. I'll see yeh aroun'."
"No!" insisted Harry, struggling to sit up.
"Farewell, Harry," Sirius said again. "And Hagrid. I'll see you around some day..."
"Pa'foo'!" Harry cried out again before his small voice was drowned out by the roar of the motorbike's engine.
Sirius stood watching them dwindle in the night sky until they were barely more than a dot. He took a deep, steadying breath, then wheeled determinedly and strode into the ruins of his friends' house.
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