Daniel watched Janet's every move during his final trip to the infirmary, a feeling of
sadness and loss washing over him. She acted just the same as she ever had - except for the
looks of concern she kept casting in his direction, which were no doubt due to his
sorrowful expression and attitude of defeat and regret. For her it was as though no time
had passed since she had woken up that morning, yet for him so much had changed. If SG-1's
mission that afternoon was successful, life would begin again as though nothing had
happened, and while Daniel would carry the memories of kisses, harsh words, and wistful
glances, Janet would remain in ignorance about the entire thing.
His guilt and regret were beginning to eat him alive.
He had betrayed and abused a precious friendship, and had failed to treat the woman he respected and admired above all others with the dignity and reverence she so justly deserved. He hated the man he had somehow become.
When she approached him at the end of his check-up, laying her hand on his shoulder and asking if he was okay in that quiet, sympathetic way he had always found so comforting and uplifting through the years, Daniel could literally feel his heart breaking and his spirits sinking even further into the depths of despair. He couldn't bring himself to meet her gaze as he mumbled that yes, he was fine. He crossed his fingers and hoped she wouldn't see his reply for the lie that it was. He was far from fine. All he wanted to do was take her in his arms, bury his face in her shoulder, and tell her how utterly ashamed and sorry he was for the way he had behaved towards her. Not being able to do so - not being able to make amends for something he had technically never done - was killing him, slow but sure.
Seeming to sense that he was holding something back, Janet gently told him to stop by her office before he left on the mission back to P4X 639 that General Hammond had just authorized. With the general and a dozen other people standing within earshot, Daniel could hardly refuse the order, so he took a deep breath and nodded silently, already feeling that familiar sense of dread creeping over him.
He got through the following briefing on autopilot, and before he knew it he was once again on his way back to the infirmary, clenching his fists nervously as he walked through the halls. For the first time in a long time, things were happening that had never happened before, and he had no idea what to expect out of this visit. He could only hope that it would be short and relatively routine, and that soon he would be as far away from her trusting, innocent face as the Stargate could take him.
Rap-a-tap-tap. "Janet?"
Janet looked up from the paperwork she was working on at her desk, and gave him a welcoming smile. "Hey, Daniel, come on in."
Folding his arms tightly against his chest, Daniel took a few hesitant steps into the office, being careful to avoid looking at the woman seated before him and to maintain a safe distance between them.
"Have a seat," she invited, indicating the two chairs that stood between her desk and the doorway. She rose from her own chair as she did so, stepping around the desk and coming towards him.
"It okay if I stand?" Daniel asked, his voice husky with emotion.
Janet stopped in her tracks for a moment, obviously noting his discomfort. "Sure. Whatever you want," she said; then, to Daniel's dismay, she walked past him and closed the door. She stood directly in front of him, folding her hands together and tossing her head back to look up at him. The look on her face showed that she meant business. "So. Are you going to tell me what's bothering you, or do I have to restrict you from going on this mission?"
The words were blunt, but her tone held the trace of tenderness and compassion that it always did when she spoke to him. 'Except when she was yelling at me for something she doesn't even remember now,' Daniel thought, berating himself even more than ever. He swallowed hard and stared down at the floor as he tried to think of something to say that could get him out of the situation as quickly as possible.
"I'm waiting."
He glanced at her for just a moment over the rims of his glasses before he went back to studying the floor. He opened his mouth to speak, but as he still had no idea what to say, no sound came out.
"Daniel, what's wrong?" Janet asked, sounding worried. She laid her hands on his still-folded arms and stroked them soothingly with her thumbs. "You can tell me."
Tears began to sting Daniel's eyes at the way she was touching him and speaking to him with such gentle warmth - warmth that he no longer deserved. He fought them back, shaking his head and keeping his eyes trained on the ground.
"I get the feeling there's something you want to tell me," she said after a moment of deafening silence passed. "Am I right?"
Unable to keep himself from meeting her gaze any longer, Daniel's guilt finally overpowered him when he saw the way she was searching his face with concern and anxiety. He nodded; then he whispered earnestly, "I'm so sorry, Janet."
"Sorry?" she repeated in surprise. "For what?"
Daniel let out a deep breath, trying to calm his nerves. "I, uh..." His voice stuck in his throat as he struggled to find the words to say. Closing his eyes for a moment, he forced his rising emotions down into a place where they would no longer be threatening to choke him to death; then he gathered up all of his courage and resolved to tell her everything.
"I care about you, Janet," he confessed. "I care about you in a way that I didn't think was possible for me anymore. First you were just my doctor; then you were my friend; then somewhere along the way... you started to mean so much more to me. You've made a part of me that I thought was long dead come alive again." His voice had been hesitant and shaky at first, but it grew in strength and emotion as he continued. "I'm... I'm in love with you, Janet. I love you more with every passing minute, and even though only a matter of hours have passed for you today, for me it's been a lot longer."
Janet stared at him open mouthed throughout this speech, but Daniel carried on, knowing that he would never work up the nerve to say this again if he stopped now. "When this time loop first began... these feelings were still so new that I barely even noticed they were there. Then Jack and I started doing these... crazy, impetuous things that we'd always wanted to do, simply because we could do them without suffering from consequences. That's when I started to realize how I felt about you, and I, uh... I guess I was trying to find out if you felt the same about me."
Pausing for a moment to take another deep breath, Daniel noticed the startled look that appeared on Janet's face at this statement. "Don't worry," he hastened to reassure her, "I didn't press my advantage or do anything... you know... but I was playing games with your head, trying to steal a kiss or... maybe even find out ways to get you to fall in love with me. When nothing worked, instead of stopping I tried all the harder, and... to be honest, I made a complete jackass out of myself and treated you like some kind of guinea pig. I should never have done that, and I'm truly, truly sorry.
"The thing is... even though I thought there wouldn't be any consequences, there are. I feel terrible for the way I acted, and I hate that you don't know how I acted in order to judge for yourself how you want to respond to me now. I betrayed your trust, and that's something I just can't forgive myself for. I just... I guess I just needed to tell you that. I know you don't remember anything that's happened in any of the previous loops, but if what we're about to do actually works, then you will remember what happens this time around. I couldn't live with myself if I just... went on my merry way, with you not knowing what a selfish, insensitive jerk I've been.
"So you were right. There was something I wanted to tell you. Now that I have, I won't blame you if you hate me, slap me, yell at me, whatever... just so long as you know what happened, and we can head into tomorrow on equal ground. I just... I love you and respect you too much to have this as my own little secret hovering between us." He ended his speech by taking a deep, shuddery breath, searching her face for a sign of what he could expect next. His words had tumbled out so rapidly that he had no idea whether they'd even been understandable.
He could see that Janet's expression had softened, and her eyes were glistening with unshed tears. "I don't hate you, Daniel," she said, her voice thick with emotions that Daniel couldn't read.
"You don't?"
She shook her head; then she reached up and pressed a soft kiss against his cheek. "Thank you for your honesty. And... apology accepted."
"Really?" he asked, his tone one of amazement and hope mixed together.
Janet gave him a small smile and nodded.
Daniel returned the tiny smile in relief, but soon grew serious again. "So... you forgive me? Even knowing what I did?" he asked, fearing that he had somehow misunderstood.
"Was your apology sincere?" Janet asked quietly.
Every ounce of the sorrow, regret, and self-deprecation he was feeling was poured into one tiny little word as he answered, "Yes."
"Then I forgive you."
Daniel stared at her for a moment as these words sank in. The weight of his guilt and shame began to slowly slip from his shoulders as they stood there gazing into each other's eyes. "Thank you," he said, his voice soft and quiet. It was then that he realized that "that look" was in her eyes once more. "Janet?" he said tentatively.
"Yes, Daniel?"
He gathered up all of his courage once again, knowing that if he blew it this time, his chances would be over forever. But that look... it had to mean what he thought it meant... didn't it? Now was the time to find out, once and for all.
"May I kiss you?" he asked in a voice that was no more than a whisper.
A flicker of a smile passed over Janet's face before she made her nervous but hopeful reply. "Yes, you may, Daniel."
Afraid that every move he made would turn out to be the wrong one, Daniel reached out his hand and touched her cheek almost reverently. He then leaned down and placed a gentle, chaste kiss on her lips. When he looked again into her eyes, he saw nothing but sweetness and a light of happiness looking back at him. "So, you're... you're really not... going to slap me this time?" he asked, not yet daring to hope that what he was experiencing was real.
Janet gave him a delightfully beautiful smile that made his heart start up an acrobatics routine. Shaking her head, she slowly wrapped her arms around his neck and drew his face down towards her own once again.
She leaned her head against his shoulder as they sat together on a mountainside bench later that evening. They were gazing up at the starry sky, talking quietly about their past, their present, and their hopes for the future, and just enjoying each other's company. "So, I really slapped you, huh?" she asked in a teasing tone.
Daniel turned his head to brush his lips against her hair. "More than once," he replied, squeezing her hand. He had taken that hand in his almost an hour earlier in order to lead her away from the infirmary and out into the fresh night air. He hadn't let go of it since. Not only was this the first nightfall he'd experienced in what was the equivalent of weeks, but it was also the first evening of his brand new relationship with Janet Fraiser. He didn't have any intention of missing out on a single moment of either one.
Janet chuckled, laying her other hand on his arm and rubbing it softly. "You must have deserved it."
"Yeah, I did," he agreed, placing another gentle kiss on the top of her head.
"You don't still feel guilty, do you?" She tilted her head back to look at him.
With the light of the moon shining on her face and making her eyes sparkle, Daniel felt that he'd never seen her look so beautiful. A slow grin spread across his face as he replied, "Not since that 'Daniel, you lovable idiot, all you had to do was ask' speech you gave me, no."
Janet laughed, and Daniel couldn't resist leaning his head down and kissing that lovely smile.
Feeling her shiver, he quickly ended the kiss and released her hand to drape his arm around her shoulders. "Are you cold?" he asked as he drew her close against his chest.
Janet sighed and snuggled up to him in contentment. "Not at all."
Daniel smiled as she wrapped her arm around his waist. He knew that she wouldn't be getting so comfortable if she planned on going back inside anytime soon. He took a deep breath of the clear mountain air and felt his entire body relax in peace and harmony with the world around him. 'Boy, life sure looks good when the woman you love is resting in your arms,' he thought as he focused his vision on one particular star.
It was the star that had started it all - the one whose regularly occurring geomagnetic storms had resulted in the Ancients deciding to try their hand at building a time machine. He thought of Malakai, the man who had caused the time loop in the hopes that he would somehow be able to complete the device himself and travel back in time just to be with his lost wife once more. The desperate man's words had struck a chord with Daniel as he, too, had lost his wife barely a year earlier. While the pain of that loss had not, and would not ever fully pass away, Daniel had come to realize that sometimes broken hearts are given a second chance at love and happiness. 'Sometimes opportunity knocks more than just once,' he thought, smiling faintly at the double meaning the words held in his case. He would always love Sha're and would forever cherish her memory, but his love for Janet was just as real and just as wonderful.
More wondrous still was the fact that Janet felt the same, and had been surprised yet overjoyed by his confession of love for her earlier that day. How long she had been keeping her feelings for him bottled up inside he hadn't yet been able to coax her into telling him, but now that he knew that she was willing to take their relationship a step further, Daniel felt he was the happiest man alive. It would happen slowly, and there would be many challenges for them to face along the way, but he knew that if in the end she was by his side, it would be well worth it.
"Thank you, Malakai," he breathed as his arms tightened around the precious gift they held, pressing her closer to his heart. "I wish the same for you someday."