Be That A Herring In Thy Pocket?
By Mindy

(A/N: This was entered into the Specific fanfic comp – that's still open – at Obernewtyn.net. For details, go there and follow your nose. But I wanted to put it here, just to make you all wonder – again – what it is I'm drinking and where I'm getting my purple berries from…)
All characters are used/abused from other ppl…Isobelle Carmody, JK, Baz, um…Seasame Street…whoever made Joe Millionaire..

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Starring:
Joe Millionaire as Brydda
Daniel Radcliffe as Angina
John Leguizamo as Domick
Santa Claus as Henry Druid
Ewan McGreggor as Elii
Big Bird as Atthis

Scene1:
Open curtain on Elii sitting atop a windmill dressed as a clown, frowning. In the background, Brydda is sitting at an empty bar, his eyes lolling to sleep. Angina is sitting with his legs dangling over the bar, wearing a pair of glasses and Quiddich robes.

Elii:
[singing]
There was a man,
A very large and lonely man,
They say he never owned a car,
Worked with tar,
And always wore King Gee's.

But then one day,
A shady man, he came his way,
[Enter Domick, dressed in a trench coat holding a bible]
With stories large of wealth and pride,
To find a bride,
And finished off to he:

Domick: The greatest gift,
You'll ever earn,
Is that of Faith,
A Bible, son, you've earned.

Domick puts the bible into Angina's hand, though he sings to Brydda.
Cut music.
Elii sits at the bar next to Brydda.
Brydda squints at Domick.
Angina looks between the pair, then rolls his eyes and opens the bible.

Brydda:
Pray, tell me good sir, do I knowest thee?

Domick:
I sir? I think thou art mistaken, for
I dids't arrived this very moment.

Elii:
[leaning over.]
From whence didst thou come?

Domick:
That is a lie, sir!

[Elii jumps to his feet, clearly offended. Brydda looks between the pair. Angina holds the book up closer to his eyes.]

Brydda:
Peace, good Elii, for I daresay we have
Not heard our good wandering minstrel out.
Come, rest thy frosted feet and share thy tale.

Elii:
Do you quarrel sir?

Domick:
I sir? No sir!
My only business is with your fellow,
And that I might bring the word of Lud to
He, and thee, if thou wouldst permit it?

Elii:
Say nay, Master Brydda! 'Tis a trap!

Angina:
I say, do you lot mind? I'm trying to study this rather strange piece of ancient religion you thrust on me here you know!

Brydda:
Peace lad, I trust this face, for I have
A feeling our paths have cross'd before,
Mayhap in another time, another life.
Didst we perchance share some spirit or fine
Wine in another town? Or, mayhap did
We dine a fine omelet in this very tavern?
Yes, good minstrel, I know thy face well, yet
Knowst not how, nor why, nor whence, nor who.

[Enter Henry Druid in red cloak]

Henry Druid:
Trust him not, lest he purge thy soul, post haste!

[Elii, Domick and Brydda gasp.]

Elii:
As both mine eyes do see; art thou a ghost?

Brydda:
Elii, nay! I don't believe in ghosts!
Sir Henry Druid!! Thou art alive, and whole?

Henry Druid:
Both!

Brydda:
Then pray, tell us how thou came to be in
This wilderness of taverns, without a bible
Of thine own? Dost thou not also sing praise?

Domick:
Alas, I fear our brother Druid has
Wander'd afar from the teachings of Lud.
For hast thou not, Sir Druid, forgotten
That a minstrel must live and breathe and sing?
The very governance of his soul must
Hum the lovely tune of Lud should it not?

Henry Druid:
How canst thou say such words, such fancies, when
Thou art a traitor thyself?

Elii:
It cannot be!

Henry Druid:
Didst thou not say, good Rebel, that thou
Knewst this face?

Brydda:
Aye, so I said, good sir.

Henry Druid:
Then look again, twice, and thrice, and face death!

[Henry Druid grabs the trench coat and flings it from Domick – Domick is revealed to be wearing a shiny vest of armour and a gun belt. A look of sudden coolness overcomes Domick. Everyone – except Angina, who merely grins boyishly – is dumbfounded]

Angina:
Hey, aren't you that Tybalt fellow?

Elii:
Alas, poor boy! One with such innocent
Eyes wouldst not recognise the traitor afar!
For he is not a wand'ring minstrel at all!
He is Domick, and a coercer.

Brydda:
Domick I see, but also a book of
Lud. Mine eyes deceive me twice. Art thou
Practicing the word of Lud, and a traitor?

Domick:
[lights a cigarette and glares at Brydda, then poises his hands over his guns]
The word of Lud is a bullet to my
Mind, as this dagger is to your bear-heart.
Arise, my friend, my foe, and look upon
Thy death.

Elii:
Stay! I will go aloft, fear not!

[Elii exits, his clown shoes flopping]

Henry Druid:
Didst I not try to warn thee?

Brydda:
Aye, you did.
I was blinded by trust for a man who
So loyaly extends his words and book.
I shall ne'er be so fooled.

Domick:
Nay, thou shan't!
Turn and draw; it is time to match our swords!

Brydda:
I do but keep the peace amongst men and
Wonder why thou comest at me with words
Of such hate and torment? Brother Domick,
Why dost thou hate me so?

Domick:
Need I a reason?
Fair well, indeed for a man who fights that
Which he will never understand, never
Hope to save, never dream to watch and see
That within this bible lies the key.

Henry Druid:
He lies!

Brydda:
That I know, Henry.

Henry Druid:
Draw your sword against
The fiend and rid our wat'ring hole of lies!

Angina:
[taking interest, whips out a wand]
Or I could just turn him into a bushturkey if you'd like?

Henry Druid:
How comes't a child to know such witch'ry?

Angina:
Transfiguration exam last semester…I'm not supposed to use it outside of school though…

Brydda:
Good child, lower your wand. Your mind is of
A tender and remedial age. I wouldst
Not taint that boyhood charm, so youthful and
Impressionable by events of nigh.
Nay, I will fight him.

Domick:
And thee I shall fight.

Angina:
Fine, I don't even know what I'm doing here…stupid 18th century wannabes…I'm a wizard for pities sake, I think I can handle a little fight! And why am I still holding the bible?

[By this time, no one is listening to Angina, and Brydda has drawn a rather sorry looking herring from his jacket pocket, waving it like a sword. Domick looks at him on an angle, takes out one of his guns and aims it at Brydda.]

Brydda:
I am ready.

Domick:
For thy fate?

Brydda:
And thou thine?

[Henry Druid takes the bible from Angina quickly and thrusts it to Brydda.]

Henry Druid:
Sir, hold the words true to thy chest and thou
Shalt receive the protection of the gods!

Brydda:
And bible, to my heart ye shall lie safe.
[puts it over his heart very obviously]
For my Fate, and thine, Domick, rides close.

Domick:
Enough of this deference of my revenge!
Drop thy herring, and bible too, and face
Thy death!

[It happens quickly; Brydda throws the herring at Domick; Domick fires the gun; Angina gives a disconcerted flick of his wand; Henry Druid sneezes randomly. Smoke engulfs the scene.
When the dust settles, Brydda and Domick are both lying on the ground, dead. Henry Druid is doubled over, the herring lodged in his mouth – he chokes on it and dies. Angina is dusting his hands off proudly.]

Angina:
Finally, I was getting sick of that lot.

[Angina picks up his broomstick and moves to exit, but is stopped by a franticly-running Elii, who is flanked by a large red bird - Atthis.]

Elii:
[calling]
Master, I have return from my absence
And bring this mightly Agyllian to
Stand with thee, and thy, against this foe.
[waves hand to clear the last of the dust]
But where is my master? Brave lad, do tell!
Hast he foiled the traitor so quick? Where for?

Angina turns doubtfully towards Brydda.

Atthis:
He hath fallen into shadow, we come
Too late, Elii.

Elii:
It cannot be so!
[Leans over Brydda and clasps hand.]
Oh why, so fair, so young, so strong, master!
Why must thou die?

Angina:
It's Shakespeare, you twat. All the main characters have to die, it's a rule.

Elii:
And so he must. So it be said that he
Died for the words, the poetic device
That is tragedy; a hero, so brave
Immortalized forever by the art.

Atthis:
Thou art forgetting one thing, good Elii.

Elii:
Wise Atthis, tell me what I have forgot.

Atthis:
I shall, if thou wouldst listen. Thou must now
Make the decision; to lead in thy good
Master's stead; keep the Rebellion alive
In men's minds and hearts. Or to follow him.

Elii:
Follow my master into the shadow?

Angina:
…Yeah…!! That's right!! Shouldn't you er…avenge the great Rebel Leader Brydda's death by taking your own life or…something else equally selfishly righteous? Exile? I could transfigure you into a toad? A newt? How about a jolly badger?

Elii:
Lad, your wit is a lightweight on my heart.
But alas, this hour shall be my last.
For Atthis speaks truth; I must follow.
He was my leader, so I did follow
Everywhere – and now too in death.
So please, leave me to my grieving, to my
Honour that is this happy herring.
[Elii takes the herring out of Henry Druid's mouth and holds it to his chest.]
Oh happy herring, this is thy sheath.

[Elii slaps himself in the face with the herring, and slumps over Brydda's body, dead.]

Angina:
Thank Lud!!

Atthis:
Lud? Indeed, child, you have seen into the
Heart of this matter; for was it not a
Book of the fiery and false deity
That from whence these sad events did commence?
Doth this not prove that a false Lud is ruin?
Can we not all learn from these-

Angina:
Did you hear that?

Atthis:
Pray, what child? The sound of thy own sweet death?

Angina:
Hardly! It was more like a groaning from that direction.
[Points to the pile that is Brydda and Elii.]

[Atthis hobbles to them and pecks at Brydda, and there is obvious movement]

Atthis:
Good child, thou art right! He is alive!

Brydda:
[Sits up, pushing Elii aside.]
That I am, it was this bible that saved me
From the bullet, so close to mine own heart.

Atthis:
Can it be true? Art thou not a ghost?

Angina:
[Groans and sits back atop the bar.]
One could only hope, then it could be ignored.

Brydda:
Wise Atthis, how many times must I say?
I don't believe in ghosts! Nor so should thy!

Atthis:
Then I shall not.

Brydda:
And I shall be glad.

Atthis:
Then, perchance, the lesson is not that this
Word of a false-Lud bringeth thy doom?

Brydda:
I fear that the bringer of false-word met his.

Atthis:
Aha! Thou art right! The traitor who sang
So beauteously of his bible
With wretched intentions did his maker
Meet this very dark and gloomy night!

Angina:
So…why are we still here? The lesson has been learned, the main characters have died, and the bad guy has been stopped.

Brydda:
Dead? Ah, the lad speaks truth! For is that not
The pallid and loyal kinsman named Elii?
What fray hast befallen him so sudden?

Atthis:
The herring.

Brydda:
Nay! By mine own dev'lish sword?

Atthis:
It is so, and how he would have it too.

Brydda:
[Sinks dramatically to his knees, and places the bible on Elii's chest.]
May these well placed words that so sav'd my life
Guide thee, dearest kinsman, to the next life.

Angina:
Amen! Now, can someone tell me how to get back to Obernewtyn?

Atthis:
Take thy broomstick, and fly with the winds, child!
And now I must also depart, to the
Eyrie aloft the Land of thee, humans.

[Exit Atthis with a flash of red feathers.]

Angina:
No kidding.
'Bye Brydda.

[Exit Angina on broomstick.
Spotlight targets Brydda, who is still looking mournful]

Brydda:
Fare thee well, child of Obernewtyn. How
I am grieved that thou had to witness the
Bickering in the likeness of a hoarde
Of rabid cattle aft chewing much greenthorn.
But, what now for the Rebellion? Am I
Fit to be their leader, so broken and
Unable to weild a herring without
It straying into such innocent hands?
For indeed:
[sung, touching the bible]
The greatest gift,
You'll ever earn,
Is that of Faith,
A Bible, son, you've earned.
[fade out on Brydda, as he lowers his face into his hands]

End!