116

A few days later, Rose was plugging away at her research. And still, getting nowhere, fast. Wesley had stopped by periodically to exchange notes with her, but he wasn't making progress any faster than she was. She was beginning to feel that Spike was right and that she wouldn't find anything. Only sheer stubbornness and a genuine desire to do whatever she could for Spike kept her going. She didn't know what was motivating Wesley, and wasn't sure she cared, she was simply grateful for the help.

She was so absorbed in what she was doing that she didn't hear her department head enter the room, and was unaware that he was there until he spun her chair around away from the desk.

"Wesley!" she yelped. "Give a person a little warning, will you?" She pulled a strand of hair around in front of her eyes and stared at in intently.

"What are you doing?" he asked in confusion.

"Seeing if it's gone white," she explained. Then, she relented and grinned. "How's your end of things going? Any luck? I mean good luck, of course."

Wesley shook his head. "Not yet, I'm afraid." He opened a paper sack he'd brought in with him and started removing paper-wrapped objects from it. Seeing Rose's puzzled expression, he handed one of the objects to her. "Lunch," he said. "You've been working practically without let up, Rose. You need to take a break now and then." He unwrapped one of the sandwiches himself, then looked at her expectantly until she followed suit and started eating.

"Have you heard.., anything from.., anyone, recently?" Wesley asked discreetly.

"Not for about a week and a half," she replied. "I don't know what to make of it, but it is different when time doesn't really count for much. I guess they don't remember what it's like to be somewhere where it does."

"You know," he observed. "I always thought that you were a bit, odd, but I'd never have guessed in a million years that you were anything but what you seemed to be. You've fitted yourself in marvelously well."

"I've tried," Rose responded. "And there's only one person who noticed that something wasn't quite.., I don't know, as it should be. And he's the one person that absolutely can't know."

"Spike?" Wes' eyebrows shot up. "He suspects what you are?"

She shook her head. "Not exactly, but ever since we started.., seeing each other, socially, he's had suspicions that I was.., different. I've been putting him off and changing the subject, but if this goes on much longer, I'm afraid he's going to back me into a corner about it one of these days." She sighed. "I really hate having to keep secrets. Especially from Spike."

"No matter what happens, Rose, you've done all that you could," Wesley pointed out. "More than anyone else could. I know that you find it frustrating, but you can't beat yourself up about it if it doesn't work out."

Rose abandoned her half-eaten sandwich. "Unacceptable," she snapped. "I've got to find a way. And one way or another, I will, if it takes till the end of days."

"Nice sentiment, luv, and I'm deeply touched." Rose whirled around to see her beloved standing behind her. For once, she had been so absorbed in her conversation that she hadn't been aware of him there. How much had he heard? "But," Spike went on, "I don't want you banging your pretty head against the wall. If there's nothing to be done, there's nothing to be done." He noted the picnic atmosphere. "Trying to make time with my best girl, Percy?" He gave Wes a dirty look.

"Contrary to whatever it is you may believe, Spike," Wesley said with a long-suffering sigh. "And not to be at all disparaging of the lady's charms, not everyone is as enamored of her as you are."

"Says you." Spike seemed unconvinced. He noticed that Rose had given up on her meal. "If you don't eat up, pet, you're going to end up being as insubstantial as me." Rose gave him a long look without saying anything, but got her point across to him. "Oh hell," he growled. "I know there ain't anything going on." A sheepish look stole over his features. "Sorry, luv, old habits die hard." He saw from her expression that he hadn't gone quite far enough. "No hard feelings, Percy?"

"Only if you stop calling me Percy," Wesley replied.

&&&&&&

Rose was getting frustrated beyond tolerating. The latest book she had been consulting had seemed to be so promising in the beginning, but it hadn't lived up to its promise. A sudden desire to express her irritation took over and she hurled the tome towards the door. Angel had just been entering, and caught it against his chest. "I take it that things are not going well," he observed mildly. "I can understand that you're a little stressed, Rose, but that book is company property."

"I'm sorry, Liam," she apologized. "But I'm just about at the end of my patience." Her voice began to wobble a bit. "It's not fair, he just tried to do the right thing, And more than ever, I keep feeling that he was requited dishonorably." She sniffed and rubbed her eyes.

"I suppose that you've already heard the speech about how you've done your best and can't do any more?" Angel asked.

"More times than I can count," Rose agreed wearily. "And mostly from Spike. It almost seems that he's more accepting of the state of affairs than I am. I can hardly remember the last time when he complained about not being able to do anything."

"Did you ever stop to think it's because of you?" he suggested. "Spike knows how hard you're trying, and he doesn't want to add to your disappointment. Trust me, he's every bit as frustrated as he ever was, I know, I see it. But he's bending over backwards to try to protect your feelings."

"He is?" The stressed lines on her face smoothed away to be replace by an awed expression. "And I've been griping and whining about my lack of success." She buried her face in her hands. "What must Spike think of me?"

"That you love him more than anybody ever has," Angel replied. "That you care enough to take his problems so much to heart. Believe me, that's what Spike sees, what he thinks of you. Spike loves you, Rose, and he's going to keep loving you whether you can help him or not."

"But how could I stand it if I fail him?" she sniffled. She stopped a minute and listened to herself. "I'm just thinking about me again, aren't I?" she remarked ruefully.

"I wouldn't call worrying about letting down someone you love thinking about yourself," he replied. "Come to that, you sound the way Spike did those times when you needed someone to protect you and he couldn't do it." He paused in thought. "Rose, is there any way, any way at all that.., the others will let you stay with Spike? Seeing how devoted to each other the two of you are, I don't see how anyone could be so hard-hearted as to keep you apart."

"I can't." Rose looked down at her hands, twisting and twining around on her lap, fighting a loosing battle against the tears. "And I don't want to go. To go back to not feeling anymore. To just considering things as a whole and not seeing individuals. I just want to be with Spike." The tears started flowing with a vengeance.

Angel stood behind her and laid a sympathetic hand on her shoulder. He was starting to think that the larger issue wasn't the matter of Spike's corporeality, or lack thereof, but the love between him and Rose. He wished he could speak to The Powers themselves on their behalf.

&&&&&&

Angel stirred restlessly in his sleep. He could hear the voices, but he couldn't wake up.

"Angel." This time instead of trying to fight his way to consciousness, he just let go. And could hear.

"Hello?" Wherever his dreams, mind's eye or whatever had taken him, it was pitch black. If he could hear, shouldn't he be able to see? As if in answer to his thoughts, a light shone down on him, but all was still in darkness around him.

"Where am I?" A silly question, really. Where could he be but inside his own head?

Then, he saw the colors.

Sienna: "It would mean nothing to you, Angelus." A pause. "Or would you prefer Angel?"

Angel: "Angel, please. Who are you?"

Citrine: "Haven't you guessed? After spending so much time with our other part?"

Angel: "You're The Powers That Be. Shouldn't you be speaking to Rose?"

Violet: "At present, we wish to speak to you." A pause. "About Rose."

Angel: "I'll do what I can to help Rose."

Cerulean: "Is she really in love with the specter? Do you know?"

Angel: "They're very much in love with each other."

Viridian: "Is the attachment such that it will cause them pain to be parted?"

Angel: "What kind of stupid question is that?" He was irritated enough to forget to whom he was speaking. "Of course it will. It's already hurting Rose because she knows she's going to have to leave."

Citrine: "You speak with much vehemence, vampire. What are your feelings about Rose?"

Angel: "She's made a place for herself. Spike may be the one who loves her, but everyone that has come to know her cares for her."

Violet: "Rose is doing a credible job as a human, then?"

Angel: "Look, maybe you could tell me what exactly it is that you want, instead of dancing around the edges."

Sienna: "We are worried that Rose has created too much of a place for herself amongst you. It disrupts the balance."

Angel: "I don't understand. Why should the fact that Rose fits in be a problem?"

Viridian: "Not because Rose fits in, Angel. Because Rose has made contact, touched hearts. In other terms, a vacuum will be left when Rose is gone."

Angel: "I will admit that there will be a.., gap when Rose is gone. But all of us have had to move on, leave loved ones behind. We'll adapt." He thought a moment. "Except maybe for Spike. She's become his whole reason for existence. Such existence as he has."

Cerulean: "The attachment has gone deep then. This is Rose's first time among you. We did not expect such a thorough adaptation. What sort of activities does our other part engage in when not in your employ?"

Angel: "At the moment, the same thing as when she is working. She and her department head are trying to find a way to help Spike. I don't know if it's that she fears an adverse judgment or that she's just impatient, but she's been working on it almost since she arrived."

Citrine: "We thank you for the information, Angel. But now we must confer amongst ourselves."

Angel: "Wait, why are you excluding Rose from your discussions? Shouldn't she be here?" He sat up in bed. They had sent him back before hearing him out, apparently. He looked at the time. Four a.m. Too early to call anyone and talk to them. He decided that first thing, he'd talk to Wesley. Maybe Wes could help him put some perspective on it and help him come to a decision about whether or not to tell Rose. Although, the more he thought about it, the more it seemed to him that the fact that the rest of The Powers had consulted him behind her back would alarm her. He gave his pillow a vicious punch and laid back down, but sleep was a long time returning.

&&&&&&

Rose was starting to get that look about her again, Spike was learning to spot it. She was going into a blue funk because her research was going nowhere. There were other signs too. She didn't speak as much, and smiled hardly at all. He fought an inner battle with himself, trying to decide whether or not it would be better to get her to talk it out or just let her work it out on her own. Given her track record so far, he figured that leaving her to her own devices hadn't been too effective. He effected the change to the nightwear he'd started appearing in of late, since she was making her own preparations for bed. He lounged on the bed waiting for her.

Rose emerged from the bathroom looking wan and delicate, and the black nightgown just accentuated it. Spike realized with a bit of shock that he was noticing things like that as much if not more than how much the togs accentuated her figure. He'd also noticed that she had expended a great deal of effort to avoid looking him in the eye this evening, and had a good idea why. He was sure of it when she climbed into bed and lay on her side with her back to him.

"You've been crying again, haven't you precious?" Since he didn't have a body, how could he be feeling the gut-twisting sensation that always overtook him when he knew she was hurting?

"What makes you think that, love?" she murmured evasively. She still hadn't turned to face him, even though they usually lay face to face talking for a while before she turned off the lights.

Spike wished that he had more than words to comfort her with. He wanted to take her in his arms and hold her, to take her worries and troubles on himself so that she didn't have to suffer. "Aren't you at least going to look at me, babe?" he asked. "Let me see your pretty face? It's been getting so that I look forward to this time of the day with you more than anything, luv."

Rose rolled over to face him, but kept her eyes downcast. Not that that made any difference, he could see that they were red and swollen, and he was mentally kicking himself for not catching on to it earlier. "I'm sorry," she barely whispered. "I guess I'm not very good company tonight."

"Haven't you heard that Spike's a self-centered bastard that thinks only of himself?" he inquired. "Wouldn't be wasting my time if I didn't enjoy the company."

"You're not," she protested. Her head came up and she looked into his eyes, then realized just why he had said what he did. Because he knew that was how she would respond. Rose summoned up a faint shadow of a smile. "You're cheating again."

"Only with your best interests at heart, pet," he murmured. "I just wish you wouldn't waste your tears over me. I'm not worth it."

"I beg to differ," she responded. "I don't consider anything I do for you to be wasted. But I didn't want to upset you, either."

"Let's make a little deal, shall we?" Spike suggested. "We'll do what we can when we can to remedy the situation, and the rest of the time, we won't worry about it. It's not really so bad, is it? What we have?"

"It's wonderful." This time the smile was a ray of sunshine straight into his soul.

"Do we have a deal, then?" he pressed on. "Don't worry about what we can't fix and just love each other. Deal?"

"Whatever you want," she agreed. She snuggled down into the pillows with a look of contentment and was asleep without remembering to turn off the light.