*****
Part XVIII: Malcolm
The Captain was asking Hoshi something. With Porthos in his arms I was pretty sure what he was asking her.
I can just see it now. One day we're going to come upon aliens who want to shoot us first and bitch later and I'm going to have to tell them, 'Look, chaps, can you hold that thought while I go and find our resident linguist? She's out pooper-scoopering the captain's dog.'
I'm surprised she hasn't booted the man in the ass. I've seen her take down men bigger than her in class. Hell, she's taken me down once or twice.
I'm inordinately proud of that.
I turned to Em who was busily punching things into a padd. "Em?"
"Yes, Boss?"
"If we stuck Hoshi and Trip in a room-"
"How long would it take her to rend him limb from limb?" Em punched a few more buttons. "Way ahead of you, Boss. I've got times ranging from two minutes to five minutes so far."
"Put me down for one minute thirty seconds. Am I still in for transporter disintegration for Trip?"
Em scrolled down on her padd. "Yeah. Travis has shuttle pod accident. Cutler has poisoned decon gel. T'Pol's got," Em snorted in amusement, "death after sex with an alien. Even the captain's in on it, he's got death via being stuffed in the warp core."
I shouldn't ask but I was dying to know. "And Hoshi?"
Em's eyebrows rose in pleasant surprise and she shot me a devious little smile. "I actually have her down for two ways."
"Two?!"
"Yes, phase pistol 'accident' or," Em chuckled, "decapitation."
As amusing as that image was..."How?"
"Katana, sir."
Hoshi wielding a sword...God, is it hot in here? I tried to loosen my collar. "I knew about the bow and arrows but a katana?"
"She has a lovely one in her quarters. One of her sisters sent it to her, I believe."
She can kick ass, behead someone and kiss like a goddess. Damn, no wonder I find Hoshi attractive. "Oh my."
"Oh yeah. It's no wonder Trip won't go down to the planet in the same shore leave party as either of you. If she doesn't kill him, chances are you will."
Damn Trip. Damn him and his radar. Damn him, his radar, and the foresight to request being on the second leave group.
"It would have been great, too. I had death by drowning and I know there's a lake near the landing site."
"Sorry to disappoint you."
"On the upside, Boss, your hotness factor has gone through the roof because of this."
"MY WHAT?!" Hoshi and the captain looked in our direction and we pasted on bright smiles and tried to look innocent. "My what?!" I hissed at her when they turned away.
Em wrinkled her nose prettily. "You have surpassed Trip and the captain in the hottie department. At first you were attractive but unapproachable. Several of the women on this ship have had fantasies of melting that cold exterior and-" She caught the deadly glare I was giving her and cleared her throat. "Ahem. Anyway, your recent um...'interactions' with Hoshi have painted you in a much different light." She rocked back and forth on the balls of her feet. "My boss is a hottie. I'm so proud!" she said, wiping an imaginary tear from her eye.
"Oh dear God." I was so tempted to go hide in a torpedo casing. "Do I want to know?"
"Can your blood pressure stand it?"
"Maybe," I said, dread spreading through my body.
She patted my shoulder sympathetically. "Well, you've pretty much destroyed your 'cold British bastard' rep. In its place there's a lovely 'he can't keep his hands off the woman he loves' rep forming. All the women think it's romantic."
Yeah, just what I need a romantic reputation. "Great. Just great."
"And then there's the poll," Em said, breezily tapping a few more buttons into her padd.
"POLL?! WHAT POLL?!" The captain and Hoshi looked back at us and we shot them big smiles as I plotted how to kill Em without bad karma coming to revisit me.
Maybe I could blame it on Trip. He's got some bad karma coming to him.
"The T-shirt poll of course," Em said matter-of-factly.
"T-shirt poll?"
"Yes, sir." She scrolled down her padd until she found the appropriate passage. "'Pretend you have your very own Malcolm to dress up.' And it gave a choice of a white shirt, blue or gray shirt, red shirt or Decon! No shirt."
I had to sit, my mind reeling with idea that waaay too many people were interested in what kind of shirt I wore, even if it was a bit of an ego boost. "And?"
"Well, an overwhelming 54 percent said no shirt. White shirts came in at 36 percent. Blue or gray shirts got 9 percent and red shirts got zip." She looked me up and down. "I have to say I agree..." She chuckled as I opened my mouth. "I don't think red is a very good color on you, sir."
My brain was starting to leak out of my ears. "Em, I'm sorry but I'm going to have to kill you now."
"I don't think so, sir. I didn't do it. It popped up on the ship forums a few weeks ago."
Breathe normally and plot against whomever started it, so that they can't trace the crime back to you. "Who then?"
"It was anonymous, sir."
If it hadn't been anonymous then it was now--Em would have seen to it before telling me. "Who?"
"Nope."
"Whooo?"
"Not a chance."
"Whooooo?" I asked in a singsong voice.
"Abso-freakin-lutely not, sir. I like her. She's a good writer. You'd kill her."
"And that would be bad?"
"Yes, sir."
"Damn."
"Sorry, sir."
"No, you're not."
"You're right."
"Brat."
"Damn right. Aren't you glad I'm here to tell you these things?" She nudged me towards the shuttlepod. "Have fun, sir! Travis?!"
"Yeah, Em?"
"Make sure they don't get into any trouble down there!"
"Will do!"
I glared at Em as the door to the shuttlepod closed.
FREEDOM!
If it wouldn't have looked so damn weird, I would have fallen to my knees and kissed the ground. As it was, I was just happy to get off the shuttle and the bloody hell away from everyone. Here there were wide open spaces to lose myself in, safely hidden away from one engineer with his wacky radar, a ship full of places to neck, and a woman I can't seem to keep my lips off of.
I wonder if it's the air?
"Travis? Is there a nice secluded spot where I can be by myself and just...breathe?" I asked as my group stepped off the shuttle.
Travis consulted his padd. "Yeah, there's a nice lake just over that way and it's got a bunch of trees and bushes around it. Should be pretty private. Got your lunch?"
Chef had been nice enough to equip everyone with a small lunch for today's short shore leave. It would only be a day but everyone was eager to get off the ship and get some fresh air.
See, there was that air thing again.
I'd brought down a padd with a few letters, an armory schematic, and a Sherlock Holmes story--just a few hours of peace and quiet.
And no Hoshi.
I looked in my container. "Ham and cheese, fruit, water, potato salad." I nodded in appreciation. Chef made really good potato salad.
"Yeah, everyone got a little something different. We're going to have a picnic in about two hours. Meet us at the shuttle pod if you want to join us."
"Wonderful." The sound of the second shuttle had us looking at the sky. "Who's on the second shuttle?" Part of me was hoping Trip would be on there so I could drown him in the lake.
"I think the captain asked Hoshi to bring Porthos, do--Malcolm!"
"I'll see you later!" I yelled, running for the trees.
I wasn't afraid.
It's called a tactical retreat.
Part XVIII: Malcolm
The Captain was asking Hoshi something. With Porthos in his arms I was pretty sure what he was asking her.
I can just see it now. One day we're going to come upon aliens who want to shoot us first and bitch later and I'm going to have to tell them, 'Look, chaps, can you hold that thought while I go and find our resident linguist? She's out pooper-scoopering the captain's dog.'
I'm surprised she hasn't booted the man in the ass. I've seen her take down men bigger than her in class. Hell, she's taken me down once or twice.
I'm inordinately proud of that.
I turned to Em who was busily punching things into a padd. "Em?"
"Yes, Boss?"
"If we stuck Hoshi and Trip in a room-"
"How long would it take her to rend him limb from limb?" Em punched a few more buttons. "Way ahead of you, Boss. I've got times ranging from two minutes to five minutes so far."
"Put me down for one minute thirty seconds. Am I still in for transporter disintegration for Trip?"
Em scrolled down on her padd. "Yeah. Travis has shuttle pod accident. Cutler has poisoned decon gel. T'Pol's got," Em snorted in amusement, "death after sex with an alien. Even the captain's in on it, he's got death via being stuffed in the warp core."
I shouldn't ask but I was dying to know. "And Hoshi?"
Em's eyebrows rose in pleasant surprise and she shot me a devious little smile. "I actually have her down for two ways."
"Two?!"
"Yes, phase pistol 'accident' or," Em chuckled, "decapitation."
As amusing as that image was..."How?"
"Katana, sir."
Hoshi wielding a sword...God, is it hot in here? I tried to loosen my collar. "I knew about the bow and arrows but a katana?"
"She has a lovely one in her quarters. One of her sisters sent it to her, I believe."
She can kick ass, behead someone and kiss like a goddess. Damn, no wonder I find Hoshi attractive. "Oh my."
"Oh yeah. It's no wonder Trip won't go down to the planet in the same shore leave party as either of you. If she doesn't kill him, chances are you will."
Damn Trip. Damn him and his radar. Damn him, his radar, and the foresight to request being on the second leave group.
"It would have been great, too. I had death by drowning and I know there's a lake near the landing site."
"Sorry to disappoint you."
"On the upside, Boss, your hotness factor has gone through the roof because of this."
"MY WHAT?!" Hoshi and the captain looked in our direction and we pasted on bright smiles and tried to look innocent. "My what?!" I hissed at her when they turned away.
Em wrinkled her nose prettily. "You have surpassed Trip and the captain in the hottie department. At first you were attractive but unapproachable. Several of the women on this ship have had fantasies of melting that cold exterior and-" She caught the deadly glare I was giving her and cleared her throat. "Ahem. Anyway, your recent um...'interactions' with Hoshi have painted you in a much different light." She rocked back and forth on the balls of her feet. "My boss is a hottie. I'm so proud!" she said, wiping an imaginary tear from her eye.
"Oh dear God." I was so tempted to go hide in a torpedo casing. "Do I want to know?"
"Can your blood pressure stand it?"
"Maybe," I said, dread spreading through my body.
She patted my shoulder sympathetically. "Well, you've pretty much destroyed your 'cold British bastard' rep. In its place there's a lovely 'he can't keep his hands off the woman he loves' rep forming. All the women think it's romantic."
Yeah, just what I need a romantic reputation. "Great. Just great."
"And then there's the poll," Em said, breezily tapping a few more buttons into her padd.
"POLL?! WHAT POLL?!" The captain and Hoshi looked back at us and we shot them big smiles as I plotted how to kill Em without bad karma coming to revisit me.
Maybe I could blame it on Trip. He's got some bad karma coming to him.
"The T-shirt poll of course," Em said matter-of-factly.
"T-shirt poll?"
"Yes, sir." She scrolled down her padd until she found the appropriate passage. "'Pretend you have your very own Malcolm to dress up.' And it gave a choice of a white shirt, blue or gray shirt, red shirt or Decon! No shirt."
I had to sit, my mind reeling with idea that waaay too many people were interested in what kind of shirt I wore, even if it was a bit of an ego boost. "And?"
"Well, an overwhelming 54 percent said no shirt. White shirts came in at 36 percent. Blue or gray shirts got 9 percent and red shirts got zip." She looked me up and down. "I have to say I agree..." She chuckled as I opened my mouth. "I don't think red is a very good color on you, sir."
My brain was starting to leak out of my ears. "Em, I'm sorry but I'm going to have to kill you now."
"I don't think so, sir. I didn't do it. It popped up on the ship forums a few weeks ago."
Breathe normally and plot against whomever started it, so that they can't trace the crime back to you. "Who then?"
"It was anonymous, sir."
If it hadn't been anonymous then it was now--Em would have seen to it before telling me. "Who?"
"Nope."
"Whooo?"
"Not a chance."
"Whooooo?" I asked in a singsong voice.
"Abso-freakin-lutely not, sir. I like her. She's a good writer. You'd kill her."
"And that would be bad?"
"Yes, sir."
"Damn."
"Sorry, sir."
"No, you're not."
"You're right."
"Brat."
"Damn right. Aren't you glad I'm here to tell you these things?" She nudged me towards the shuttlepod. "Have fun, sir! Travis?!"
"Yeah, Em?"
"Make sure they don't get into any trouble down there!"
"Will do!"
I glared at Em as the door to the shuttlepod closed.
FREEDOM!
If it wouldn't have looked so damn weird, I would have fallen to my knees and kissed the ground. As it was, I was just happy to get off the shuttle and the bloody hell away from everyone. Here there were wide open spaces to lose myself in, safely hidden away from one engineer with his wacky radar, a ship full of places to neck, and a woman I can't seem to keep my lips off of.
I wonder if it's the air?
"Travis? Is there a nice secluded spot where I can be by myself and just...breathe?" I asked as my group stepped off the shuttle.
Travis consulted his padd. "Yeah, there's a nice lake just over that way and it's got a bunch of trees and bushes around it. Should be pretty private. Got your lunch?"
Chef had been nice enough to equip everyone with a small lunch for today's short shore leave. It would only be a day but everyone was eager to get off the ship and get some fresh air.
See, there was that air thing again.
I'd brought down a padd with a few letters, an armory schematic, and a Sherlock Holmes story--just a few hours of peace and quiet.
And no Hoshi.
I looked in my container. "Ham and cheese, fruit, water, potato salad." I nodded in appreciation. Chef made really good potato salad.
"Yeah, everyone got a little something different. We're going to have a picnic in about two hours. Meet us at the shuttle pod if you want to join us."
"Wonderful." The sound of the second shuttle had us looking at the sky. "Who's on the second shuttle?" Part of me was hoping Trip would be on there so I could drown him in the lake.
"I think the captain asked Hoshi to bring Porthos, do--Malcolm!"
"I'll see you later!" I yelled, running for the trees.
I wasn't afraid.
It's called a tactical retreat.