*****
Part XXI: Hoshi
Men suck. One day he's kissing you silly and whispering endearments to you in that gorgeous British accent, the next, he's a piece of space dust orbiting the gravitational pull of those women with big...everything! They were just a gigantic mosaic of men fetishes. I overheard Travis say something along the lines of staring into the sun, because they're...
Just. That. Hot.
His words, not mine, I swear. I'd have hit him but I was pretty sure I would hurt myself. He's a brick wall with teeth.
My smile grew as I watched the men's advances get turned down one by one. Rejected! I think the average height of the Enterprise men was reduced by a foot...this made me inordinately happy, as I was getting neck cramps speaking to most of them. The humbling experience of rejection didn't stop them from staring down my dress, though. It was nice to know that certain constants never change, such as Hoshi in a Fire Engine Red Dress. And just this once, I let them stare, because of, you know, pity.
Of course, all thoughts of other men scattered away once I saw why they were getting the heave-ho. Because the aliens were all attracted to one Malcolm Reed.
...
Okay!
I wasn't mad. Nooo, not at all. In fact, this is my happy face. Look how white my teeth are! It was way different than my I-wish-you-would-shrivel-up-and-die face, which was reserved for people who abuse animals. Was once THIS close to using it on Captain Archer during one of his lengthier speeches that unfortunately involved a gerbil and an sea otter.
It was one of those times when I envied T'Pol's stoicism. Wait, does she even know what a gerbil is? Does anyone else?! Note to self: Mention to Captain Archer that animal names do not translate well on the UT, aliens probably have no idea what he's saying.
...Wait, is that a bad thing?
Because if it is, I want to be bad.
Mmmm, I want to be very bad. That's right, Torpedo Man, you're missing out on a whole lot of bad ass right here.
Finally, he headed toward me, a gaggle of voluptuous women trailing after him. If he was coming over here to show off his new harem, he would soon be getting my foot up his tight British ass--not that I noticed those things, of course, but they are pretty firm. But, oh, yay! He looked completely miserable and pissed. Gooooood, he's so pretty when he's disgruntled, his blue eyes turn to ice and sends crackling chills down my happy thrill-seeking spine.
"Hoshi."
Ohhh, he said my name like it was water to a man lost in the desert. Thirsty, are we?
"Malcolm," I replied huskily.
Ha! I heard that whimper! Wooo! Do a little dance...make a little...well, not with two Barbies hanging off each of his arms. Hey, I was all for kinky but I wasn't sharing my English muffin, those nooks and crannies were mine. Not that I was saying he wasn't enough man for the all of us...it's just that, well, I was already too much woman for one of him. Obviously! He should be so lucky.
And if he did want to get lucky, he'd better find a way to get rid of those attachments on his arms.
"Hello, my name is Ba'm Be," said the thing hanging off Malcolm's left arm.
Of course it was.
"And my name is La'ana," said the other thing with a death grip on Malcolm's right arm.
Okay, this one needed to die. She was smothering him and cutting off his circulation! Only I have the right to do that!
"My name is Hoshi," I returned acidly, "I see you've met MY Lieutenant Reed."
La'ana's eyes flashed and I swore I could hear the pitter patter of feet gathering closer at the promise of a cat fight. Well, so much for keeping things under wraps. Not that it was under wraps to begin with, since there were betting pools and a poll. It'd be awfully heartless of me to deprive my crewmates of entertainment. Besides, I had good odds on one of those things. It paid to be in the inside. Heh.
Didn't think it was possible, but La'ana leaned in even closer to Malcolm. "Yes, we are getting very well acquainted, aren't we, Malcolm?" she purred.
Malcolm's eyes pin-balled back and forth, blinking blankly like we were speaking in cow. Oh God, not the animals, Captain Archer's contagious!
Suddenly, Malcolm jumped and yelped. He glared incredulously at La'ana.
Oh no, she didn't! She did not just pinch the goods.
"Ma'am, please!"
Ha, he called her 'ma'am', and not in a I'm-a-hot-officer-here-to-charm-your-socks-off kind of way, but a I-don't-know-you-please-don't-touch-me kind of way.
La'ana needed to get her ears checked because she answered with, "Oh, I definitely aim to please."
Bitch, are you for real?! What part of the 'ma'am' didn't you get?! Breathe, breathe. Smile, smile.
"Malcolm, may I speak to you, in private?"
His face lit up like the weapons console during tactical alert. It was almost too easy.
"But you promised us a tour of your ship!" La'Ana said in that annoyingly whispery voice of hers.
"I did?" he stuttered.
His entourage agreed fervently, almost too fervently as many things started bouncing. You could almost hear the men's jaws dropping.
My smile got bigger and Malcolm got paler.
"Lieutenant."
Hey, where did T'Pol come from? Bit of a sidler, she was...
"Do you remember the time you shot me during a hostage situation?"
Huh? Brain does not compute. The-wha?
"Pardon?" Malcolm was similarly befuddled.
T'Pol extended her hand to Malcolm's shoulder. "You do not look well."
The next thing I knew, Malcolm collapsed into my chest. For a man obsessed with bums, he's sure got a thing for my boobs.
"Ensign, I believe we should escort Lieutenant Reed to sickbay," she said to me, and to the women, she added, "You must excuse us, his ailment could be contagious."
Moses and his Red Sea would be jealous. Really, they just went 'whoosh!' as we carried an unconscious Malcolm out of the Messhall. Loved T'Pol. She was so stoic, and clever, and well, the ears, they're so pretty! Why wasn't I a lesbian? Or bisexual? Heck, if the Malcolm thing didn't work out, I might look into that.
Halfway to sickbay, T'Pol came to a sudden halt.
"Ensign, I believe it is unwise to leave the captain and the commander alone with the alien visitors."
Wiser words have never been said. "Of course." But an unconscious Malcolm was a wee bit heavy, and I didn't have Vulcan strength. I implored T'Pol with my deep dark chocolate brown eyes.
You can't abandon me, I was thinking about changing my sexual orientation for you!
"Mr. Reed will awaken with a bit of stimulation," she advised, deadpan. And with that piece of information she dumped him on the closest wall and walked away.
So, did she want me to stimulate him right here in the hallway? I mean, sure, we hadn't tried the hallway before but... Wait, this hallway looked familiar. So did the door. Hey! It was my door!
Loooooove T'Pol. Was definitely going to work on being bisexual.
Oh my beautiful quarters! With this gorgeous classic set of door and lock...even the stars are going the right way! Not to mention the hunk of a man on my bed. What did I ever do to deserve this? Oh yes, there was that several weeks of unresolved sexual tension to speak of...I deserved a resolution, damn it!
Wow, someone was having a very naughty dream from the looks of things.
"Mmmm..."
Mmmm, indeed. So, Malcolm talked in his sleep, did he?
"God, you feel so good..."
Oh please! Oh please! Don't say the name of one of your ex-girlfriends or...your mother...or for that matter any of the female relatives you have. Once I had this guy sleep over and sometime in the middle of the night he started calling out for his Aunt Nellie. I wasn't one to judge but he obviously had some issues to resolve. I don't mind issues per se, I've got several myself, but I really didn't want to go there.
"...you're perfect..."
I held my breath, I had a feeling. Here it was!
"...beautiful..."
Whatever, get ON with it!
"...Hoshi..." he murmured with a gentle sigh.
Happy! This was me, melting into a puddle of boneless, yucky, sappy goo. Sigh. This one was a keeper.
"..."
What? What?! Did he just say what I think he said?!
"Did you say what, Malcolm?" I asked softly, though I was so excited I couldn't speak straight.
He shied away, blushing in his sleep. Damn it, stop being so cute, tell me what you just said! Don't make me wake you!
"You heard me already..."
Cheapskate! I flopped down next to him, bemoaning the words I thought I'd heard.
Then he snuggled closer, seeking me out. I stopped breathing, and waited for him to speak again. But with his head buried in the crook of my neck, I heard his breathing even out again. Bastard! Tease! Of all the ner--
"I'll love you for-bloody-ever..."
Thud. Help, I've fallen and I can't get up. All right, forget the bisexual thing, I had a feeling that I was going to be perfectly content being a Malsexual.
I climbed on top of him, sitting astride before leaning down and putting my lips on his. How was that for stimulation, eh? More? Sure, why not? There was plenty where that came from. Ah, I could see he was already familiar with the hula hip grind.
Within the next few seconds, the sleeping hunk woke up. He blinked several times at me, otherwise unmoving. I admired his restraint since it was obvious that he was heavily stimulated. Meeeeow!
Finally, he asked incredulously, "Are we on a bed?"
"Uh-huh." I grinned at him.
"In..." he paused and looked about, "...your quarters?"
"Your observation skills are astounding," I teased. I was so cute!
He carefully ran his hands up my bare arms before coming to rest on my jaw, his eyes inscrutably blue.
"Pinch me."
I playfully raised an eyebrow at him.
"Where?"
His lips curved into a slow and delicious smirk.
"Surprise me."
*****
Part XXI: Hoshi
Men suck. One day he's kissing you silly and whispering endearments to you in that gorgeous British accent, the next, he's a piece of space dust orbiting the gravitational pull of those women with big...everything! They were just a gigantic mosaic of men fetishes. I overheard Travis say something along the lines of staring into the sun, because they're...
Just. That. Hot.
His words, not mine, I swear. I'd have hit him but I was pretty sure I would hurt myself. He's a brick wall with teeth.
My smile grew as I watched the men's advances get turned down one by one. Rejected! I think the average height of the Enterprise men was reduced by a foot...this made me inordinately happy, as I was getting neck cramps speaking to most of them. The humbling experience of rejection didn't stop them from staring down my dress, though. It was nice to know that certain constants never change, such as Hoshi in a Fire Engine Red Dress. And just this once, I let them stare, because of, you know, pity.
Of course, all thoughts of other men scattered away once I saw why they were getting the heave-ho. Because the aliens were all attracted to one Malcolm Reed.
...
Okay!
I wasn't mad. Nooo, not at all. In fact, this is my happy face. Look how white my teeth are! It was way different than my I-wish-you-would-shrivel-up-and-die face, which was reserved for people who abuse animals. Was once THIS close to using it on Captain Archer during one of his lengthier speeches that unfortunately involved a gerbil and an sea otter.
It was one of those times when I envied T'Pol's stoicism. Wait, does she even know what a gerbil is? Does anyone else?! Note to self: Mention to Captain Archer that animal names do not translate well on the UT, aliens probably have no idea what he's saying.
...Wait, is that a bad thing?
Because if it is, I want to be bad.
Mmmm, I want to be very bad. That's right, Torpedo Man, you're missing out on a whole lot of bad ass right here.
Finally, he headed toward me, a gaggle of voluptuous women trailing after him. If he was coming over here to show off his new harem, he would soon be getting my foot up his tight British ass--not that I noticed those things, of course, but they are pretty firm. But, oh, yay! He looked completely miserable and pissed. Gooooood, he's so pretty when he's disgruntled, his blue eyes turn to ice and sends crackling chills down my happy thrill-seeking spine.
"Hoshi."
Ohhh, he said my name like it was water to a man lost in the desert. Thirsty, are we?
"Malcolm," I replied huskily.
Ha! I heard that whimper! Wooo! Do a little dance...make a little...well, not with two Barbies hanging off each of his arms. Hey, I was all for kinky but I wasn't sharing my English muffin, those nooks and crannies were mine. Not that I was saying he wasn't enough man for the all of us...it's just that, well, I was already too much woman for one of him. Obviously! He should be so lucky.
And if he did want to get lucky, he'd better find a way to get rid of those attachments on his arms.
"Hello, my name is Ba'm Be," said the thing hanging off Malcolm's left arm.
Of course it was.
"And my name is La'ana," said the other thing with a death grip on Malcolm's right arm.
Okay, this one needed to die. She was smothering him and cutting off his circulation! Only I have the right to do that!
"My name is Hoshi," I returned acidly, "I see you've met MY Lieutenant Reed."
La'ana's eyes flashed and I swore I could hear the pitter patter of feet gathering closer at the promise of a cat fight. Well, so much for keeping things under wraps. Not that it was under wraps to begin with, since there were betting pools and a poll. It'd be awfully heartless of me to deprive my crewmates of entertainment. Besides, I had good odds on one of those things. It paid to be in the inside. Heh.
Didn't think it was possible, but La'ana leaned in even closer to Malcolm. "Yes, we are getting very well acquainted, aren't we, Malcolm?" she purred.
Malcolm's eyes pin-balled back and forth, blinking blankly like we were speaking in cow. Oh God, not the animals, Captain Archer's contagious!
Suddenly, Malcolm jumped and yelped. He glared incredulously at La'ana.
Oh no, she didn't! She did not just pinch the goods.
"Ma'am, please!"
Ha, he called her 'ma'am', and not in a I'm-a-hot-officer-here-to-charm-your-socks-off kind of way, but a I-don't-know-you-please-don't-touch-me kind of way.
La'ana needed to get her ears checked because she answered with, "Oh, I definitely aim to please."
Bitch, are you for real?! What part of the 'ma'am' didn't you get?! Breathe, breathe. Smile, smile.
"Malcolm, may I speak to you, in private?"
His face lit up like the weapons console during tactical alert. It was almost too easy.
"But you promised us a tour of your ship!" La'Ana said in that annoyingly whispery voice of hers.
"I did?" he stuttered.
His entourage agreed fervently, almost too fervently as many things started bouncing. You could almost hear the men's jaws dropping.
My smile got bigger and Malcolm got paler.
"Lieutenant."
Hey, where did T'Pol come from? Bit of a sidler, she was...
"Do you remember the time you shot me during a hostage situation?"
Huh? Brain does not compute. The-wha?
"Pardon?" Malcolm was similarly befuddled.
T'Pol extended her hand to Malcolm's shoulder. "You do not look well."
The next thing I knew, Malcolm collapsed into my chest. For a man obsessed with bums, he's sure got a thing for my boobs.
"Ensign, I believe we should escort Lieutenant Reed to sickbay," she said to me, and to the women, she added, "You must excuse us, his ailment could be contagious."
Moses and his Red Sea would be jealous. Really, they just went 'whoosh!' as we carried an unconscious Malcolm out of the Messhall. Loved T'Pol. She was so stoic, and clever, and well, the ears, they're so pretty! Why wasn't I a lesbian? Or bisexual? Heck, if the Malcolm thing didn't work out, I might look into that.
Halfway to sickbay, T'Pol came to a sudden halt.
"Ensign, I believe it is unwise to leave the captain and the commander alone with the alien visitors."
Wiser words have never been said. "Of course." But an unconscious Malcolm was a wee bit heavy, and I didn't have Vulcan strength. I implored T'Pol with my deep dark chocolate brown eyes.
You can't abandon me, I was thinking about changing my sexual orientation for you!
"Mr. Reed will awaken with a bit of stimulation," she advised, deadpan. And with that piece of information she dumped him on the closest wall and walked away.
So, did she want me to stimulate him right here in the hallway? I mean, sure, we hadn't tried the hallway before but... Wait, this hallway looked familiar. So did the door. Hey! It was my door!
Loooooove T'Pol. Was definitely going to work on being bisexual.
Oh my beautiful quarters! With this gorgeous classic set of door and lock...even the stars are going the right way! Not to mention the hunk of a man on my bed. What did I ever do to deserve this? Oh yes, there was that several weeks of unresolved sexual tension to speak of...I deserved a resolution, damn it!
Wow, someone was having a very naughty dream from the looks of things.
"Mmmm..."
Mmmm, indeed. So, Malcolm talked in his sleep, did he?
"God, you feel so good..."
Oh please! Oh please! Don't say the name of one of your ex-girlfriends or...your mother...or for that matter any of the female relatives you have. Once I had this guy sleep over and sometime in the middle of the night he started calling out for his Aunt Nellie. I wasn't one to judge but he obviously had some issues to resolve. I don't mind issues per se, I've got several myself, but I really didn't want to go there.
"...you're perfect..."
I held my breath, I had a feeling. Here it was!
"...beautiful..."
Whatever, get ON with it!
"...Hoshi..." he murmured with a gentle sigh.
Happy! This was me, melting into a puddle of boneless, yucky, sappy goo. Sigh. This one was a keeper.
"..."
What? What?! Did he just say what I think he said?!
"Did you say what, Malcolm?" I asked softly, though I was so excited I couldn't speak straight.
He shied away, blushing in his sleep. Damn it, stop being so cute, tell me what you just said! Don't make me wake you!
"You heard me already..."
Cheapskate! I flopped down next to him, bemoaning the words I thought I'd heard.
Then he snuggled closer, seeking me out. I stopped breathing, and waited for him to speak again. But with his head buried in the crook of my neck, I heard his breathing even out again. Bastard! Tease! Of all the ner--
"I'll love you for-bloody-ever..."
Thud. Help, I've fallen and I can't get up. All right, forget the bisexual thing, I had a feeling that I was going to be perfectly content being a Malsexual.
I climbed on top of him, sitting astride before leaning down and putting my lips on his. How was that for stimulation, eh? More? Sure, why not? There was plenty where that came from. Ah, I could see he was already familiar with the hula hip grind.
Within the next few seconds, the sleeping hunk woke up. He blinked several times at me, otherwise unmoving. I admired his restraint since it was obvious that he was heavily stimulated. Meeeeow!
Finally, he asked incredulously, "Are we on a bed?"
"Uh-huh." I grinned at him.
"In..." he paused and looked about, "...your quarters?"
"Your observation skills are astounding," I teased. I was so cute!
He carefully ran his hands up my bare arms before coming to rest on my jaw, his eyes inscrutably blue.
"Pinch me."
I playfully raised an eyebrow at him.
"Where?"
His lips curved into a slow and delicious smirk.
"Surprise me."
*****