Chapter 14
Dear Diary,
I am back to where I was, pre Smallville, a complete looser, who can't get through a day without a near lethal dose of heroin. What has happened to me.?
I can't remember what I was talking about, that happens a lot lately, and half the time I can't even remember my own name. Other times I can tell you what I had for dinner a couple of months ago..
Where was I a couple of months ago, I think I was with Clark, I remember wearing a dress, yes, the D.O.G reunion, how could I forget. I am so pathetic, I can remember a time when I respected myself, god I am so thin, I kind of leveled out my body weight, but it's still all over the place.
Yesterday I weighed 5kg less then I did today, where I got the 5kg from I wouldn't have a clue, but I have it so I could try and keep it.
Clark, I'm surprised he still wants to know me, after all the shit I put him through, any sane person would have left me a long time ago, but no Clark thought he could help me.
I don't want his help, I don't need his help, all I need right now is a cone and a dick up my ass. ok I've changed, I would never agree to go bottom, no control, I need to have some control in my life.
I want to feel, feel something, feel anything, even if it is just pain that is at least something.
When did my life go spinning out of control like this? It didn't set in rapidly that I'm sure of, maybe it crept in slowly, you know, slow enough not to notice the symptoms. It's pretty hard not to notice them now, the vomiting, rarely eating, drugs, cutting, fuck, I'm fucked up.
I remember what it was like before Smallville, the drugs, the parties, the depression, I was just some poor little rich kid, who wanted daddy's love. Well fuck Lionel, I don't need him, he is the reason I want to die.
I want to die, there I've said it out loud, now maybe I won't be so chicken shit and actually get around to killing myself.
Waking up in a hospital to see Clark asleep beside me was the most heartbreaking experience of my life, yet I had no more tears to cry, I wasted them all on me, I am so selfish. I'm even more selfish for wanting to take my own life, but so be it, I don't care anymore.
In the darkness that is my life
I can not see any light
The shadows creep up on me
Until death is all I can see
Help me please
Save me now
From the world
That has turned upside down
I can not stand the pain anymore
End it now
Please.
LEX
(Authors note: Ok this chapter is short but it is nearly the end, the poem in this chapter was taken from my own carefully well planed out suicide note that before today has been buried in the bottom of my drawer. This chapter is about some of the feelings I had in one of the darkest times of my life, and it's taken a lot to even finish writing it. Thank you for your patience, I know I've gone completely off the humor topic, but oh well)
Dear Diary,
I am back to where I was, pre Smallville, a complete looser, who can't get through a day without a near lethal dose of heroin. What has happened to me.?
I can't remember what I was talking about, that happens a lot lately, and half the time I can't even remember my own name. Other times I can tell you what I had for dinner a couple of months ago..
Where was I a couple of months ago, I think I was with Clark, I remember wearing a dress, yes, the D.O.G reunion, how could I forget. I am so pathetic, I can remember a time when I respected myself, god I am so thin, I kind of leveled out my body weight, but it's still all over the place.
Yesterday I weighed 5kg less then I did today, where I got the 5kg from I wouldn't have a clue, but I have it so I could try and keep it.
Clark, I'm surprised he still wants to know me, after all the shit I put him through, any sane person would have left me a long time ago, but no Clark thought he could help me.
I don't want his help, I don't need his help, all I need right now is a cone and a dick up my ass. ok I've changed, I would never agree to go bottom, no control, I need to have some control in my life.
I want to feel, feel something, feel anything, even if it is just pain that is at least something.
When did my life go spinning out of control like this? It didn't set in rapidly that I'm sure of, maybe it crept in slowly, you know, slow enough not to notice the symptoms. It's pretty hard not to notice them now, the vomiting, rarely eating, drugs, cutting, fuck, I'm fucked up.
I remember what it was like before Smallville, the drugs, the parties, the depression, I was just some poor little rich kid, who wanted daddy's love. Well fuck Lionel, I don't need him, he is the reason I want to die.
I want to die, there I've said it out loud, now maybe I won't be so chicken shit and actually get around to killing myself.
Waking up in a hospital to see Clark asleep beside me was the most heartbreaking experience of my life, yet I had no more tears to cry, I wasted them all on me, I am so selfish. I'm even more selfish for wanting to take my own life, but so be it, I don't care anymore.
In the darkness that is my life
I can not see any light
The shadows creep up on me
Until death is all I can see
Help me please
Save me now
From the world
That has turned upside down
I can not stand the pain anymore
End it now
Please.
LEX
(Authors note: Ok this chapter is short but it is nearly the end, the poem in this chapter was taken from my own carefully well planed out suicide note that before today has been buried in the bottom of my drawer. This chapter is about some of the feelings I had in one of the darkest times of my life, and it's taken a lot to even finish writing it. Thank you for your patience, I know I've gone completely off the humor topic, but oh well)