Disclaimer: I own nothing!
A/N: I don't *think* I've used anything from Monty Python *yet*
Chapter 2
The Deserts of LIFE . . . or DEATH!
It'd been just two days and already Ryoga was having an adventure. First day he'd woken up to find bandits had kidnaped both princesses, then he'd gone and saved them (after spending the entire day looking for them) the second day he found Nabiatrix had sold him into slavery. Incidentally his new owners had been the same bandits. For some reason-possibly because Checkers was trying to bite her-Nabiatrix had a change of heart and the four companions ran for dear life from some very angry bandits who wanted their money back.
And in their overzealous attempts at escape, the group ended up in the desert dying of thirst. Of course they'd only been lost for a few moments before the princesses started complaining. Arkane notably less than Nabiatrix but still enough to make Ryoga want to leave them both behind.
"My feet hurt! Carry me!" Arkane grumbled.
"I'm not carrying you anywhere, you're the tomboy, you carry me!" Nabiatrix whined.
"I'm not carrying either one of you so don't ask." Ryoga noted.
"I wouldn't let you touch me!" Nabiatrix cried.
"I don't know where your hands have been!" Arkane added.
"Then we're cool." Ryoga nodded.
"Give me some water!" One of them whined, he didn't know or care which one it was.
"I cant! We don't have any provisions." Ryoga grumbled.
"Well who's idea was it to leave without provisions? Baka!" That could only be Arkane.
"Do you know what that word means?" Ryoga asked.
"No, but since my childhood I've had a strange urge to say it." Arkane said. "I finally felt now was the right time-STUPID!"
"Touche . . ." Ryoga sighed.
"Y'know she's right, what sort of fool leads two beautiful princesses into the desert without food or water?"
"We had food, and water, and a carriage with horses, but *you* my dear princess Nabiatrix, decided to sell me into slavery, and for some reason you decided to throw in our food and water to sweeten the deal."
"Oh . . . I forgot about that . . ." Nabiatrix mumbled. "Still I blame Arkane."
"Hey!"
Suddenly Checkers ran forward. Ryoga considered chasing the dog, or staying with the princesses and decided he'd rather get lost with Checkers than be left alone with the two who were so much like and yet so different from Akane and Nabiki.
But the girls proved faster than him and soon Arkane came back whining.
"I'm keeping your wolf." Nabiatrix informed Ryoga. "He's a good treasure hunter."
"Checkers is a *she*, and what good is treasure out here?" Ryoga grumbled.
"A female? All the more reason I should keep her." Nabiatrix reflected. She held up a small dusty clay pot with a cork in it. "Isn't it beautiful?" She asked.
"Looks worthless to me." Ryoga muttered.
"To your untrained eye maybe it is. My to my highly trained super eyes it hath potential."
"Excuse me, did you just say 'hath'?"
"Yes of course." Nabiatrix blinked. "*Hath* ye not heard that word before? What sort of sheltered life *hath* ye lived?"
"Okay okay! Just stop talking to me." Ryoga grumbled.
Nabiatrix began brushing sand off the lamp, Checkers marched along with Ryoga, wagging her tail waiting for her master to praise her for the find . . . normally Ryoga wouldn't hesitate to lavish unnecessary affection on his dog-which he so rarely saw and more or less owed-but all she'd done was give Nabiatrix something more annoying to talk about than just imminent death and thirst.
There was a popping sound, Ryoga turned around and saw the pot on the ground and Nabiatrix looking at it in surprise. "It popped its cork." She said.
Green mist emerged from the hole and took solid form. It bore a strange resemblance to the little ninja servant Kuno had. Sasuke? Sosuko? Whatever. "I am the mystical genie of the lamp. Who hath woke me from my slumber?"
"Again with the *hath*!" Ryoga cried.
"Why does it bother you so, Sir Ryoga?" Arkane asked.
"It just does!" He cried. "I don't know why!"
"I can tell you why. I am the genie of knowledge, ask me any question and I will answer it truthfully."
"Great!" Nabiatrix chuckled. "Since I found you, I get to ask the question."
"I answer three questions, you may each ask one."
"But I freed you, so why don't I get to ask all three?" Nabiatrix pouted.
"Is that your question?" The genie grinned. Nabiatrix scowled.
"You're good." She grumbled.
"Years of practice. Now ASK your question oh MORTALS!"
"Okay, I'll go first since I'm youngest!" Arkane said.
"I could be younger than you." Ryoga noted.
"Oh? How old art thou Sir Ryoga?" Arkane asked.
"Technically I haven't been born yet." Ryoga said, considering the implications. "Hey . . . I wonder if I can meet my great, great, great, great grand father."
"Is that your question?" The genie asked.
"No! Lay off! I have to ask something good!" Ryoga cried.
"I've got a question for you!" Arkane said. "Will we ever get out of this desert?"
"Yes."
"That's it?"
"Only one question." The genie said.
"What a waste!" Arkane cried.
"Okay Sir Ryoga, you go ahead and ask a question." Nabiatrix said.
"No, you first." Ryoga said, still trying to think of the right question.
"Very well. Genie. Tell me, what is the meaning of life?"
"42."
"It makes perfect sense . . ." Nabiki mused.
"Well scrawny human, what is your question?" The genie asked.
"Hmm . . ."Ryoga thought. 'Do I ask if I'll ever get home?' He wondered. 'No, I know I will if I defeat the dragon . . . should I ask if I'll ever defeat Saotome? No! I know in my heart the answer is yes . . . so what can I ask? Should I ask . . . if Akane will ever love me? Yes! No! I might not like the answer, I know how she feels about Ranma!" He thought frantically.
Nabiatrix slapped him. "Ask!" She cried.
'Maybe I should ask what the ultimate form of martial arts is . . . no . . . it might be different in a thousand years . . . so maybe I should ask if there is a cure for my wandering . . . no . . . no, that's no good . . .'
"Ask!" Arkane cried, smacking Ryoga on the back of the head. This didn't even interrupt his chain of thought.
'I know! I'll ask how to defeat the dragon! That's good, I need to know, his scales will probably be to hard for my martial arts, he must have a weakness and I can ask what it is.' Ryoga thought. 'Or maybe I should ask how to get out of the desert! Gah! Decisions, decisions!'
"ARF! ARF! ARF!" Checkers barked.
"Yes. Yes he will." The Genie said. "And now I have answered all three questions and I will go back to my slumber. Never again can I be awoken by this particular group of mortals."
"NNNOOOOOO!" Ryoga cried.
"It's okay, he gave stupid answers anyway." Nabiatrix scowled.
"What did the dog say?" Arkane wondered.
"Good question . . . I DO NOT CARE!" Nabiatrix yelled. "We're going to die in the desert!"
"No the genie said we'd get out." Arkane said.
"Oh yeah . . . right. Well let's make camp." Nabiatrix said.
"Make camp? Where? With what?" Ryoga demanded. She slapped him.
"Look in your magical pack you stupid boy!"
"It's not magical!" Ryoga yelped.
"It must be!" Nabiatrix cried. "Why else would you-a knight with a title and fortune-bother to carry it around? Furthermore how could you be a knight without armor or sword unless your pack is in fact magical?"
"Eh . . . you've found me out. So lets see what's in the pack-my bet is that it wont have any armor, or swords, or tents, or anything like that."
"What will you bet?" Nabiatrix asked.
"Name it."
"If you've got a tent and all that in there you set it up and we get to sleep in it while you sleep out here alone. If you don't we'll both have hot wild sex with you."
"How do you say loser in 'ye olde English'?" Ryoga wondered.
"Why?" Nabiatrix asked.
"Because I want to shout it in your face and laugh. My pack hasn't got anything magical inside it . . . holy mother of Rob!" Ryoga cried, opening his pack to find a suit of armor, a sword, a tent set, and a note that said "Compliments of Happerlin"
"Curse you old man! Curse you!" Ryoga cried out.
"Aww . . . looks like I was right . . . and to answer your question-Looser!"
"You knew that stuff was in there, didn't you?"
"Of course." Arkane shrugged. "We raided your pack for snacks last night after you fell asleep."
"Curse you snacks! Curse you!" Ryoga cried out again.
That night the three companions slept, the two girls and Checkers the super-intelligent dog. Ryoga slept outside the tent alone without anything resembling bedding or blanket, whilst the girls pulled all sorts of things out of his magical pack. He was curled up in a ball, basically hating life when suddenly he saw it, a bright beautiful light on the horizon! A bright beautiful light that said: Motel!
He ran into the tent and heard ear shattering screams, then he was being beaten to death by two very beautiful princesses in their nightgowns.
"How dare you try to see us naked!" Arkane cried.
"Naked? You're dressed!"
"Just barely, we might as well be wearing nothing!" Nabiatrix cried.
"Are you joking? You must be joking! You two are wearing more as you go to sleep now than I wear normally!"
"Forgive us for not being exhibitionists like you, Sir Ryoga!" Arkane cried, violently assaulting him with a pillow, probably from his magic bag.
"Alright fine! Listen you two insane crazy women, I've seen the light and I know we can escape the desert if we follow it so I'm going and if you're not "dressed" by the time I leave then you can just stay here!"
"Light?" Arkane asked.
"Yes, a light on the horizon, a light that says "motel!"
"Did it say 'vacancies' you fool?" Nabiatrix asked.
"Who cares? We only need to ask directions!" Ryoga cried.
"Are you kidding?" Nabiatrix held one hand up, and said "Tent in the desert . . ." she held up the other "Motel with nice warm beds . . . desert . . . beds . . ." she moved her hands up and down like a scale, then slapped him with both. "Take us to the motel you silly knight!"
"Right . . . er . . . okay I guess . . . you know what motels are used for where I come from?"
"No, do tell." Arkane said. "I love to learn about new places!"
He told them . . .
"You cad!" Nabiatrix yelped. "So that's what you have in mind!"
"What? No! I told you I just want to go there to ask directions!"
"Fine . . . but if you so much as look at me funny I'll have you tarred and feathered!" Nabiatrix scowled.
So yeah . . . eventually they came to a large-simply enormous castle, with a big neon sign that actually said Letom.
"Maybe I'm dyslexic . . ." Ryoga shrugged. The girls took turns slapping him. "Why do you keep doing that?"
"Because you never fight back." Arkane said.
"Well . . . let's get this over with." Ryoga said.
"Most men have problems asking for directions." Nabiatrix noted. "Shall I ask for you?"
"Are you kidding? My life practically revolves around asking for directions, I can handle it." Ryoga said.
"Well okay . . ." Nabiatix said. "Wait, Castle Letom, where have I heard that name befo-OH NO! This is the giant castle of beautiful women!" Nabiatrix cried.
"Why should that matter?" Ryoga asked.
"When they see beautiful me they'll try to make me join their cult!" Nabiatrix whimpered, hiding behind Ryoga.
"Oh-ho . . . right."
"Wait! Letom isn't the castle of beautiful women, that's the Castle Anthrax!"
"Oh?" Nabiatrix looked confused, it was a first. Ryoga knocked on the door. "Wait, then what's Letom the castle of?"
The door opened and before them stood a tall, handsome man wearing a white toga and nothing else. He blinked at them, inspected them for a moment and the girls did the same to him.
"Uh, excuse me, I'm Ryoga and I . . . hello? Hey, My name is Ryoga Hibiki and I've come from the castle in Bubblybub on a quest to find the Dragon Ranma, and if you could point-" He was cut off when the large man threw his arms around him.
"Brother!" He cried. "Welcome! Welcome to the castle Letom! I can tell you're going to fit right in!"
"EEP!" Ryoga yelped.
"Oh boy! Is this whole castle filled with men like you?" Nabiatrix asked.
"Indeed." The man nodded. "My name is-"
"We don't care! Sexual bliss here I come!" Arkane cried, Nabiatrix grabbed her by the shoulder and held her back. "HEY!" Arkane cried.
"Remember, you're in mourning." Nabiatrix smiled.
"Aww crap monkeys!" Arkane whined. "Well you're going to get married!"
"Too true, too true . . . but . . . I am not married yet . . . see ya loser!" Nabiatrix and Arkane struggled to get through the door. Ryoga shook his head.
"Can you put me down now?" He asked.
"Of course." The handsome man nodded and led them into the castle. Immediately they were greeted by a dozen very handsome men. The girls looked like they might die of happiness, Ryoga felt strangely uncomfortable, as if all the eyes were on him . . . he didn't like it at all.
Then he noticed another familiar face, but it was too soon lost in the crowd. Ryoga looked around frantically then gave up. "So," he tried. "How do I get to the dragon's keep?"
"Forget about the dragon's keep." The man who'd greeted them said. "Now that you are here you can stay with us forever, as the newest brother of the Letom Castle Brotherhood."
"Oh-ho . . ." Ryoga frowned, someone pinched his butt and suddenly everything made sense. "How 'bout NO you crazy sons of-"
"Sir Ryoga, that is no way to speak to our hosts!" Arkane scolded him.
"Some one just pinched my butt!" Ryoga protested.
"Brother Tsubassacles, do not do such cruel things, you know better, behave yourself!"
A man disguised as a wall tromped off in disappointment. Ryoga wanted to leave.
But all he did was blink and suddenly the girls were being carried off-putting up no sort of fight-by very large men fretting about their hair and clothing and how they could surely use a make over.
Ryoga was left alone with one other guy. "Let me show you to your room." The man said.
"Eh . . . I think I can find it on my own-MY ROOM? I don't want a room! I want to leave!"
"Nonsense, at least stay the night." The man said, he patted Ryoga's shoulder . . . then massaged it . . . then-
"Don't touch me!" Ryoga cried, he ran off and found three doors. Door number one, he opened it and found the most disturbing sight of his life, a whole bunch of large, men bathing together.
He slammed it shut and went on to the next door. He opened it and it and was pulled in by very strong arms and a masculine voice said "Why Red, I've been waiting for you to come back!"
"I'm not Red!" Ryoga yelped.
"Same difference." The man shrugged.
Ryoga squirmed away and then escaped the room, slammed the door shut and stood against it. "I hate this place! I hate this place!" Then suddenly the third door opened and another man came out-this one was definitely familiar, he grabbed Ryoga and dragged him into the room.
"Let me go!"
"Shut up your moron!" The man scowled. Ryoga frowned. This guy had such a familiar voice . . .
"Ukyo!"
"I said shut up, sugar! Now listen to me, and listen carefully if you ever want to get out of this castle a straight man!"
"What about the princesses?"
"They'll be fine, they don't have a snowball's chance in the dragon's keep of getting laid in this place."
"That's not what I mean, your friends wont hurt them will they?" Ryoga demanded.
"What does it matter if they do? Now listen up, I heard what you said about the dragon, why do you want to find the dragon's keep?"
"So I can fight him. I've been charged by the king to slay the dragon Ranma." Ryoga shrugged.
"Alright . . . then I will go with you." Ukyo said. "I hate that dragon, he has to pay for what he did to me!"
"What did he do? Oh wait, let me guess, chose a tripe cart over marrying you and ran off and out of your life only to return later and you discover he doesn't even know you're a woman."
"What? What the heck are you talking about? That SOB knocked over my trash can!"
"Oh . . . yeah that works too I guess." Ryoga shrugged.
"Alright then, let's go!" Ukyo said.
"Right . . . can I get my princesses first?"
"If you must." She sighed. "By the way, my name is Ukygowain, but people call my Ukygo."
"Yeah, yeah, whatever." Ryoga shrugged. "Let's go!"
To Be Continued . . .
NEXT TIME Ukygo and Ryoga escape the castle with a very reluctant Arkane and Nabiatrix, and find themselves in the land of the Amazons! But what's this? A Giant is standing in their way and he doesn't like squishy things . . . and Ryoga suddenly realizes he left Checkers at Letom!
Only about 30% of all that I've said just now will actually be in chapter 3 though, g'night everyone!
A/N: I don't *think* I've used anything from Monty Python *yet*
Chapter 2
The Deserts of LIFE . . . or DEATH!
It'd been just two days and already Ryoga was having an adventure. First day he'd woken up to find bandits had kidnaped both princesses, then he'd gone and saved them (after spending the entire day looking for them) the second day he found Nabiatrix had sold him into slavery. Incidentally his new owners had been the same bandits. For some reason-possibly because Checkers was trying to bite her-Nabiatrix had a change of heart and the four companions ran for dear life from some very angry bandits who wanted their money back.
And in their overzealous attempts at escape, the group ended up in the desert dying of thirst. Of course they'd only been lost for a few moments before the princesses started complaining. Arkane notably less than Nabiatrix but still enough to make Ryoga want to leave them both behind.
"My feet hurt! Carry me!" Arkane grumbled.
"I'm not carrying you anywhere, you're the tomboy, you carry me!" Nabiatrix whined.
"I'm not carrying either one of you so don't ask." Ryoga noted.
"I wouldn't let you touch me!" Nabiatrix cried.
"I don't know where your hands have been!" Arkane added.
"Then we're cool." Ryoga nodded.
"Give me some water!" One of them whined, he didn't know or care which one it was.
"I cant! We don't have any provisions." Ryoga grumbled.
"Well who's idea was it to leave without provisions? Baka!" That could only be Arkane.
"Do you know what that word means?" Ryoga asked.
"No, but since my childhood I've had a strange urge to say it." Arkane said. "I finally felt now was the right time-STUPID!"
"Touche . . ." Ryoga sighed.
"Y'know she's right, what sort of fool leads two beautiful princesses into the desert without food or water?"
"We had food, and water, and a carriage with horses, but *you* my dear princess Nabiatrix, decided to sell me into slavery, and for some reason you decided to throw in our food and water to sweeten the deal."
"Oh . . . I forgot about that . . ." Nabiatrix mumbled. "Still I blame Arkane."
"Hey!"
Suddenly Checkers ran forward. Ryoga considered chasing the dog, or staying with the princesses and decided he'd rather get lost with Checkers than be left alone with the two who were so much like and yet so different from Akane and Nabiki.
But the girls proved faster than him and soon Arkane came back whining.
"I'm keeping your wolf." Nabiatrix informed Ryoga. "He's a good treasure hunter."
"Checkers is a *she*, and what good is treasure out here?" Ryoga grumbled.
"A female? All the more reason I should keep her." Nabiatrix reflected. She held up a small dusty clay pot with a cork in it. "Isn't it beautiful?" She asked.
"Looks worthless to me." Ryoga muttered.
"To your untrained eye maybe it is. My to my highly trained super eyes it hath potential."
"Excuse me, did you just say 'hath'?"
"Yes of course." Nabiatrix blinked. "*Hath* ye not heard that word before? What sort of sheltered life *hath* ye lived?"
"Okay okay! Just stop talking to me." Ryoga grumbled.
Nabiatrix began brushing sand off the lamp, Checkers marched along with Ryoga, wagging her tail waiting for her master to praise her for the find . . . normally Ryoga wouldn't hesitate to lavish unnecessary affection on his dog-which he so rarely saw and more or less owed-but all she'd done was give Nabiatrix something more annoying to talk about than just imminent death and thirst.
There was a popping sound, Ryoga turned around and saw the pot on the ground and Nabiatrix looking at it in surprise. "It popped its cork." She said.
Green mist emerged from the hole and took solid form. It bore a strange resemblance to the little ninja servant Kuno had. Sasuke? Sosuko? Whatever. "I am the mystical genie of the lamp. Who hath woke me from my slumber?"
"Again with the *hath*!" Ryoga cried.
"Why does it bother you so, Sir Ryoga?" Arkane asked.
"It just does!" He cried. "I don't know why!"
"I can tell you why. I am the genie of knowledge, ask me any question and I will answer it truthfully."
"Great!" Nabiatrix chuckled. "Since I found you, I get to ask the question."
"I answer three questions, you may each ask one."
"But I freed you, so why don't I get to ask all three?" Nabiatrix pouted.
"Is that your question?" The genie grinned. Nabiatrix scowled.
"You're good." She grumbled.
"Years of practice. Now ASK your question oh MORTALS!"
"Okay, I'll go first since I'm youngest!" Arkane said.
"I could be younger than you." Ryoga noted.
"Oh? How old art thou Sir Ryoga?" Arkane asked.
"Technically I haven't been born yet." Ryoga said, considering the implications. "Hey . . . I wonder if I can meet my great, great, great, great grand father."
"Is that your question?" The genie asked.
"No! Lay off! I have to ask something good!" Ryoga cried.
"I've got a question for you!" Arkane said. "Will we ever get out of this desert?"
"Yes."
"That's it?"
"Only one question." The genie said.
"What a waste!" Arkane cried.
"Okay Sir Ryoga, you go ahead and ask a question." Nabiatrix said.
"No, you first." Ryoga said, still trying to think of the right question.
"Very well. Genie. Tell me, what is the meaning of life?"
"42."
"It makes perfect sense . . ." Nabiki mused.
"Well scrawny human, what is your question?" The genie asked.
"Hmm . . ."Ryoga thought. 'Do I ask if I'll ever get home?' He wondered. 'No, I know I will if I defeat the dragon . . . should I ask if I'll ever defeat Saotome? No! I know in my heart the answer is yes . . . so what can I ask? Should I ask . . . if Akane will ever love me? Yes! No! I might not like the answer, I know how she feels about Ranma!" He thought frantically.
Nabiatrix slapped him. "Ask!" She cried.
'Maybe I should ask what the ultimate form of martial arts is . . . no . . . it might be different in a thousand years . . . so maybe I should ask if there is a cure for my wandering . . . no . . . no, that's no good . . .'
"Ask!" Arkane cried, smacking Ryoga on the back of the head. This didn't even interrupt his chain of thought.
'I know! I'll ask how to defeat the dragon! That's good, I need to know, his scales will probably be to hard for my martial arts, he must have a weakness and I can ask what it is.' Ryoga thought. 'Or maybe I should ask how to get out of the desert! Gah! Decisions, decisions!'
"ARF! ARF! ARF!" Checkers barked.
"Yes. Yes he will." The Genie said. "And now I have answered all three questions and I will go back to my slumber. Never again can I be awoken by this particular group of mortals."
"NNNOOOOOO!" Ryoga cried.
"It's okay, he gave stupid answers anyway." Nabiatrix scowled.
"What did the dog say?" Arkane wondered.
"Good question . . . I DO NOT CARE!" Nabiatrix yelled. "We're going to die in the desert!"
"No the genie said we'd get out." Arkane said.
"Oh yeah . . . right. Well let's make camp." Nabiatrix said.
"Make camp? Where? With what?" Ryoga demanded. She slapped him.
"Look in your magical pack you stupid boy!"
"It's not magical!" Ryoga yelped.
"It must be!" Nabiatrix cried. "Why else would you-a knight with a title and fortune-bother to carry it around? Furthermore how could you be a knight without armor or sword unless your pack is in fact magical?"
"Eh . . . you've found me out. So lets see what's in the pack-my bet is that it wont have any armor, or swords, or tents, or anything like that."
"What will you bet?" Nabiatrix asked.
"Name it."
"If you've got a tent and all that in there you set it up and we get to sleep in it while you sleep out here alone. If you don't we'll both have hot wild sex with you."
"How do you say loser in 'ye olde English'?" Ryoga wondered.
"Why?" Nabiatrix asked.
"Because I want to shout it in your face and laugh. My pack hasn't got anything magical inside it . . . holy mother of Rob!" Ryoga cried, opening his pack to find a suit of armor, a sword, a tent set, and a note that said "Compliments of Happerlin"
"Curse you old man! Curse you!" Ryoga cried out.
"Aww . . . looks like I was right . . . and to answer your question-Looser!"
"You knew that stuff was in there, didn't you?"
"Of course." Arkane shrugged. "We raided your pack for snacks last night after you fell asleep."
"Curse you snacks! Curse you!" Ryoga cried out again.
That night the three companions slept, the two girls and Checkers the super-intelligent dog. Ryoga slept outside the tent alone without anything resembling bedding or blanket, whilst the girls pulled all sorts of things out of his magical pack. He was curled up in a ball, basically hating life when suddenly he saw it, a bright beautiful light on the horizon! A bright beautiful light that said: Motel!
He ran into the tent and heard ear shattering screams, then he was being beaten to death by two very beautiful princesses in their nightgowns.
"How dare you try to see us naked!" Arkane cried.
"Naked? You're dressed!"
"Just barely, we might as well be wearing nothing!" Nabiatrix cried.
"Are you joking? You must be joking! You two are wearing more as you go to sleep now than I wear normally!"
"Forgive us for not being exhibitionists like you, Sir Ryoga!" Arkane cried, violently assaulting him with a pillow, probably from his magic bag.
"Alright fine! Listen you two insane crazy women, I've seen the light and I know we can escape the desert if we follow it so I'm going and if you're not "dressed" by the time I leave then you can just stay here!"
"Light?" Arkane asked.
"Yes, a light on the horizon, a light that says "motel!"
"Did it say 'vacancies' you fool?" Nabiatrix asked.
"Who cares? We only need to ask directions!" Ryoga cried.
"Are you kidding?" Nabiatrix held one hand up, and said "Tent in the desert . . ." she held up the other "Motel with nice warm beds . . . desert . . . beds . . ." she moved her hands up and down like a scale, then slapped him with both. "Take us to the motel you silly knight!"
"Right . . . er . . . okay I guess . . . you know what motels are used for where I come from?"
"No, do tell." Arkane said. "I love to learn about new places!"
He told them . . .
"You cad!" Nabiatrix yelped. "So that's what you have in mind!"
"What? No! I told you I just want to go there to ask directions!"
"Fine . . . but if you so much as look at me funny I'll have you tarred and feathered!" Nabiatrix scowled.
So yeah . . . eventually they came to a large-simply enormous castle, with a big neon sign that actually said Letom.
"Maybe I'm dyslexic . . ." Ryoga shrugged. The girls took turns slapping him. "Why do you keep doing that?"
"Because you never fight back." Arkane said.
"Well . . . let's get this over with." Ryoga said.
"Most men have problems asking for directions." Nabiatrix noted. "Shall I ask for you?"
"Are you kidding? My life practically revolves around asking for directions, I can handle it." Ryoga said.
"Well okay . . ." Nabiatix said. "Wait, Castle Letom, where have I heard that name befo-OH NO! This is the giant castle of beautiful women!" Nabiatrix cried.
"Why should that matter?" Ryoga asked.
"When they see beautiful me they'll try to make me join their cult!" Nabiatrix whimpered, hiding behind Ryoga.
"Oh-ho . . . right."
"Wait! Letom isn't the castle of beautiful women, that's the Castle Anthrax!"
"Oh?" Nabiatrix looked confused, it was a first. Ryoga knocked on the door. "Wait, then what's Letom the castle of?"
The door opened and before them stood a tall, handsome man wearing a white toga and nothing else. He blinked at them, inspected them for a moment and the girls did the same to him.
"Uh, excuse me, I'm Ryoga and I . . . hello? Hey, My name is Ryoga Hibiki and I've come from the castle in Bubblybub on a quest to find the Dragon Ranma, and if you could point-" He was cut off when the large man threw his arms around him.
"Brother!" He cried. "Welcome! Welcome to the castle Letom! I can tell you're going to fit right in!"
"EEP!" Ryoga yelped.
"Oh boy! Is this whole castle filled with men like you?" Nabiatrix asked.
"Indeed." The man nodded. "My name is-"
"We don't care! Sexual bliss here I come!" Arkane cried, Nabiatrix grabbed her by the shoulder and held her back. "HEY!" Arkane cried.
"Remember, you're in mourning." Nabiatrix smiled.
"Aww crap monkeys!" Arkane whined. "Well you're going to get married!"
"Too true, too true . . . but . . . I am not married yet . . . see ya loser!" Nabiatrix and Arkane struggled to get through the door. Ryoga shook his head.
"Can you put me down now?" He asked.
"Of course." The handsome man nodded and led them into the castle. Immediately they were greeted by a dozen very handsome men. The girls looked like they might die of happiness, Ryoga felt strangely uncomfortable, as if all the eyes were on him . . . he didn't like it at all.
Then he noticed another familiar face, but it was too soon lost in the crowd. Ryoga looked around frantically then gave up. "So," he tried. "How do I get to the dragon's keep?"
"Forget about the dragon's keep." The man who'd greeted them said. "Now that you are here you can stay with us forever, as the newest brother of the Letom Castle Brotherhood."
"Oh-ho . . ." Ryoga frowned, someone pinched his butt and suddenly everything made sense. "How 'bout NO you crazy sons of-"
"Sir Ryoga, that is no way to speak to our hosts!" Arkane scolded him.
"Some one just pinched my butt!" Ryoga protested.
"Brother Tsubassacles, do not do such cruel things, you know better, behave yourself!"
A man disguised as a wall tromped off in disappointment. Ryoga wanted to leave.
But all he did was blink and suddenly the girls were being carried off-putting up no sort of fight-by very large men fretting about their hair and clothing and how they could surely use a make over.
Ryoga was left alone with one other guy. "Let me show you to your room." The man said.
"Eh . . . I think I can find it on my own-MY ROOM? I don't want a room! I want to leave!"
"Nonsense, at least stay the night." The man said, he patted Ryoga's shoulder . . . then massaged it . . . then-
"Don't touch me!" Ryoga cried, he ran off and found three doors. Door number one, he opened it and found the most disturbing sight of his life, a whole bunch of large, men bathing together.
He slammed it shut and went on to the next door. He opened it and it and was pulled in by very strong arms and a masculine voice said "Why Red, I've been waiting for you to come back!"
"I'm not Red!" Ryoga yelped.
"Same difference." The man shrugged.
Ryoga squirmed away and then escaped the room, slammed the door shut and stood against it. "I hate this place! I hate this place!" Then suddenly the third door opened and another man came out-this one was definitely familiar, he grabbed Ryoga and dragged him into the room.
"Let me go!"
"Shut up your moron!" The man scowled. Ryoga frowned. This guy had such a familiar voice . . .
"Ukyo!"
"I said shut up, sugar! Now listen to me, and listen carefully if you ever want to get out of this castle a straight man!"
"What about the princesses?"
"They'll be fine, they don't have a snowball's chance in the dragon's keep of getting laid in this place."
"That's not what I mean, your friends wont hurt them will they?" Ryoga demanded.
"What does it matter if they do? Now listen up, I heard what you said about the dragon, why do you want to find the dragon's keep?"
"So I can fight him. I've been charged by the king to slay the dragon Ranma." Ryoga shrugged.
"Alright . . . then I will go with you." Ukyo said. "I hate that dragon, he has to pay for what he did to me!"
"What did he do? Oh wait, let me guess, chose a tripe cart over marrying you and ran off and out of your life only to return later and you discover he doesn't even know you're a woman."
"What? What the heck are you talking about? That SOB knocked over my trash can!"
"Oh . . . yeah that works too I guess." Ryoga shrugged.
"Alright then, let's go!" Ukyo said.
"Right . . . can I get my princesses first?"
"If you must." She sighed. "By the way, my name is Ukygowain, but people call my Ukygo."
"Yeah, yeah, whatever." Ryoga shrugged. "Let's go!"
To Be Continued . . .
NEXT TIME Ukygo and Ryoga escape the castle with a very reluctant Arkane and Nabiatrix, and find themselves in the land of the Amazons! But what's this? A Giant is standing in their way and he doesn't like squishy things . . . and Ryoga suddenly realizes he left Checkers at Letom!
Only about 30% of all that I've said just now will actually be in chapter 3 though, g'night everyone!