Disclaimer: I don't own Army of Darkness or Monty Python and the Holy Grail.
A Dragon Called Ranma
Chapter 3
Almost There!
Ukygo lead Ryoga to a large dark room. She stopped at a large golden door. "Beyond this door, no woman can enter." She said.
"Then why are we here?" Ryoga asked. "I'm looking for two princesses, if no woman can enter, then odds are they wont be in there!"
"Right, but before we get them, know that you won't be able to stop the dragon without the magical spell book that lies beyond these doors."
"Oh . . . okay."
"Now before you take the book you must recite these magic words, and they must be exact-"
"No! No I've seen that movie!" Ryoga protested.
"What? What is this . . . movie you speak of?"
"Never mind." Ryoga sighed. "So let me guess, there are three books and I have to pick the right one or an army of the undead will rise up to destroy everything right?"
"Something like that. Actually that's what happens if you choose the third book. If you choose the second book the woman of your dreams will fall in love with you and you will live happily together and have many children."
"I like that." Ryoga noted.
"But the world will be destroyed by an army of undead hedgehogs." Ukygo added.
"That sucks."
"Now if you choose the first book it will tell you exactly what you need to know, but not want you want to know." Ukyo said.
"And let me guess, the world will be destroyed by mutant moles?"
"Mutant moles? By the troll's beard, don't speak of such imaginary creatures!" Ukygo scowled.
Ryoga blinked. "If you could hear yourself-"
"Go!" Ukygo cried. "Find the first book, recite the magic words perfectly and we'll be on our way!"
"I'd like to but-"
"But what?" Ukygo demanded.
"I er . . . you didn't tell me the magic words."
"Oh right. Well here they are, write them down if you need too."
"Aha! See they didn't let him do that in the movie." Ryoga noted.
"Stop talking about this imaginary stuff, and pay attention elf licker!"
"Elf licker?" Ryoga frowned. "Is 'licker' even a word?"
"It is in ye dictionary of ye bad olde English! Now, the magic words are: Hullabaloo and howdy do, rusty tongs and steak knives too . . ."
"Hullabaloo and howdy do, musty prawns and Timbuktu . . ." Ryoga copied.
"No! No you fool!"
"No! No you tool!"
"Stop! Stop writing this! You idiot! That's it, here, I'll write it for you." Ukygo said. She wrote it down on a piece of paper and handed it to Ryoga. "Alright, here you go. When you're finished, just stay here and I'll come back for you with the princesses." Ukygo said.
"That wont be a problem. Alright, I'm off." Ryoga said. He walked out the door, it was funny this magical chamber looked just like-
"That's the hallway!" Ukygo cried, dragging him back in and throwing him through the golden doors. "And don't come back without the book!" She sent him off.
As soon as Ryoga was through the door Ukygo groaned. "I forgot to tell him about the fourth book, which does everything the first book does, but comes with the bonus of the world being destroyed by little green dwarves who shout "Rally Ho!" (Yes, yes I *would* bring them into this story too.)
Ryoga's trek to the book was long and difficult. It was a straight path to walk, a narrow corridor but somehow he kept getting lost, he'd passed by the same guardian Minotaur three times, had to fight the same iron golem twice and then he'd had to deal with this strange little robot with green eyes who kept singing some sort of song of doom.
The latter had been the most challenging, and he wished he had Checkers with him . . . where was Checkers?
He had no time to think of that now, he fought his way to a large altar of stone, on it were four books. They were all blue, one had a picture of a sword on it and another had a picture of a bow and arrow ready to fire. Another had a picture of a shield with two swords crossed over it, the final book had a picture of a knight on a horse holding his spear up to slay a dragon.
He thought for a moment, then decided that the symbols on the books were obviously telling what number they were. One sword, book one. A bow and arrow book two. A shield and two swords, book three. A knight, his horse, the dragon and his spear, book four.
The dragon book seemed to compel him, seemed to draw him in, but he knew that it was the first book he needed. So he read Ukygo's magic words . . . except they were in ye olde English script so he had to just sort of guess. Luckily he remembered the first part. "Hullabaloo and Rowdy Lou, musty frogs and sun chips too," strange demonic shadows started to rise, there was a ghostly moan and shrieks of agony. Ryoga began to read "Spanish production, question mark, alternative life styles for men and women, Road Runners stuck in Coyote's glue!" The books shone with magical light, the walls began to shake and he grabbed the first one and ran.
The walls began to shake, Nabiatrix scowled. "Sounds like Sir Ryoga screwed up." She said.
"It doesn't surprise me, he doesn't even look like a knight." Ukygo said. "Not really. He doesn't even have any armor."
"Oh it's all in his bag, I don't know why he doesn't wear it. He doesn't have a sword though, poor dumb guy." Arkane sighed.
"How long ago did you send him in there for the book?"
"Yesterday." Ukygo's scowl was almost as pure as Nabiatrix'.
Finally the door opened and Ryoga emerged, Nabiatrix was relieved when she saw he at least had the stupid book.
Ukygo inspected it then scowled. "This is the wrong one!" She cried.
"What? But it's the first book!" Ryoga protested.
Ukyo opened the cover. "Book of Magic, Fourth Edition." She shook her head. "Never mind, let's go, we have to get out of here!"
"Wait, there's something I'm forgetting!"
"Whatever it is it must not be important!" Ukygo cried, they left the castle, Ryoga still scratching his head over what he'd forgotten.
Of course the princesses had to say goodbye to everyone. But eventually they were away. They tromped through a dark, dreary forest and Ryoga had a strange feeling they were being watched. Sure enough their way was soon blocked by two familiar faces.
"Mousse! Shampoo!" Ryoga yelped.
"I am not Shampoo!" Mousse cried.
"I not Mousse!" Shampoo cried.
"Who art thou?" Nabiatrix demanded.
"I am Moudred, the amazon king!" Mousse cried.
"And I Shamputer, beautiful Amazon queen." Shampoo cried.
Ryoga blinked. "Moudrid? And . . . Shamputer?"
"Shamputer's parents scientists." Shamputer shrugged.
"You've got to be kidding!"
"Shamputer also go by more normal name Shampudeloc."
"Shampudeloc?" Ryoga raised an eyebrow.
"Is not uncommon name!" Shamputer cried! "Just call Shamputer!"
"Shamputer *is* better." Ryoga agreed.
"Well I am Princess Arkane of Rubadub engaged to Prince Ranmorgan Le Fay."
"Wait a minute! Morgan Le Fay? Why does that name sound so familiar?" Ryoga frowned.
"He's very famous." Arkane scowled. "Do not interrupt. This is my sister the money-obsessed psycho princess Nabiatrix-"
"What did you call me?" Nabiatrix was suddenly glaring at her sister.
"Our new friend Sir-eh Madame Ukygowain,"
"What did you call me!" Ukygo demanded. "I'm a woman and you should know since you tried to sleep with me you-"
"And of course our rude defender, Sir Ryoga of the Wolf Fang."
"Shamputer hear tell of a Ryokay, wandering trying to find cure for curse."
"Curse?" Ryoga asked.
"Yes, apparently there is wandering man Ryokay, apparently cursed with world's best sense of direction seeks to lose forever his perfect sense of direction and be normal, but something wrong happens and now he and all descendants stupid cannot find way." Shamputer said.
"Must be a relative of yours Sir Ryoga." Arkane said.
"If I were a woman I'd cry." Ryoga sighed.
"What's that supposed to mean!?" Ukygo cried. "That women are soft and we cry a lot?"
"Yes."
"DIE!" All three cried together. They chased after him and ran deep into the forest.
Shamputer frowned. "We tell them about giant yes?"
"No my dear I don't think we did." Moudred sighed.
Not so long after the four left a dog came by. It was black and white, it barked at Shamputer and the two held a conversation for a moment.
"ARF!" 'Which way did they go?'
"That way." Shamputer pointed. "Be careful of Giant Great Grand Monster."
"Halt!" Cried the large yet strangely small giant. "I am the giant of the bridge and none shall pass least ye answer my three questions!"
"Oh! I know this one!" Ryoga said. "Let me do it!"
"Go ahead." Nabiatrix said, pushing him forward.
"Ask me the questions bridge keeper, I'm not afraid!" Ryoga shouted.
"What, is your name?" The giant, who resembled Cologne, asked.
"Ryoga!"
"What is your quest?"
"I want to destroy Ranmorgan the dragon!"
"What . . . is *her* favorite color?" The giant pointed at Arkane.
Ryoga gulped. "Hey! You did it wrong! You're supposed to ask me what *my* favorite color is!"
"Answer the question or be thrown off the bridge into the shallow stream!"
"Okay, okay, I don't want that . . ." Ryoga said . . . the girls suddenly realized the stream was in fact quite shallow and they just jumped across and waved for him to follow.
"Er . . . Arkane's favorite color is . . . eh . . . BLUE!"
"Wrong!" Cologne laughed, Ryoga was thrown into the air, but he ended up landing on the other side.
"That wasn't so bad!" Ryoga cried.
The giant groaned. "I don't like squishes who sneak over my bridge! Now ye shall all die!"
"Run!" Arkane cried.
"Run!" Ukygo agreed.
"Run *away*!" Nabiatrix clarified for Ryoga who was running towards the monster.
The four companions ran but down came the staff and the Cologne giant squashed them all.
Then Checkers showed up.
"I knew I was forgetting something!" Ryoga cried.
"My spleen!" Nabiatrix groaned.
"My beautiful braiiiinnnnnssssssss!" Arkane cried out. "I can see them!" She said normally. Ukygo smacked her and her eyes rolled back to normal. "Hey! I can see again!"
Checkers barked a bit and finally Cologne nodded. "Very well, I will release them!" She lifted the stick and Ryoga and the others were free . . . but still smashed to pancakes.
"That dog is more of a hero than you." Nabiatrix scowled.
"Hey! Just one time!" Ryoga cried.
"Arf!" Checkers barked.
"Oh alright!" Cologne pouted and threw some powder on the four pancakes-er adventurers and turned them back to normal.
"Okay fine, so maybe my dog is a better hero than I am . . . at least I . . . uh . . ." Ryoga paused for a long time.
"At least you what?" Nabiatrix scowled.
"At least you bravely tried to answer the bridge questions and failed?" Ukygo offered.
"At least you took us to the castle of big gay men and then brought us the wrong magic book?" Nabiatrix offered.
"At least you're cute!" Arkane cried.
"You think I'm cute?" Ryoga raised a hopeful eyebrow. The girls walked on without him. They didn't notice the army of little green dwarves that slowly descended on the world screaming "Rally Ho!" from behind them, falling over the castle of Letom and ripping everything to shreds as the beautiful men tried desperately to massage them into submission.
To Be Continued . . .
Next Time . . .
Ryoga and the girls are at the head of the fiery keep of the dragon, but to enter they must first deal with the red knight . . . then the blue knight . . . then the green knight . . . and finally the black knight . . . but not before the purple knight. Nabiatrix refuses to be seen with an unarmored knight so the girls force Ryoga to wear the armor which proves to be quite itchy, and Ryoga and Ranmorgan the dragon fight a dangerous battle, will Ukygo's spell book come in handy? Will any of this actually happen? Will the next chapter be as BAD as this one was? FIND OUT NEXT TIME, in Chapter 4 of A Dragon Called Ranmaaaaaaaaaaa!!!!
A Dragon Called Ranma
Chapter 3
Almost There!
Ukygo lead Ryoga to a large dark room. She stopped at a large golden door. "Beyond this door, no woman can enter." She said.
"Then why are we here?" Ryoga asked. "I'm looking for two princesses, if no woman can enter, then odds are they wont be in there!"
"Right, but before we get them, know that you won't be able to stop the dragon without the magical spell book that lies beyond these doors."
"Oh . . . okay."
"Now before you take the book you must recite these magic words, and they must be exact-"
"No! No I've seen that movie!" Ryoga protested.
"What? What is this . . . movie you speak of?"
"Never mind." Ryoga sighed. "So let me guess, there are three books and I have to pick the right one or an army of the undead will rise up to destroy everything right?"
"Something like that. Actually that's what happens if you choose the third book. If you choose the second book the woman of your dreams will fall in love with you and you will live happily together and have many children."
"I like that." Ryoga noted.
"But the world will be destroyed by an army of undead hedgehogs." Ukygo added.
"That sucks."
"Now if you choose the first book it will tell you exactly what you need to know, but not want you want to know." Ukyo said.
"And let me guess, the world will be destroyed by mutant moles?"
"Mutant moles? By the troll's beard, don't speak of such imaginary creatures!" Ukygo scowled.
Ryoga blinked. "If you could hear yourself-"
"Go!" Ukygo cried. "Find the first book, recite the magic words perfectly and we'll be on our way!"
"I'd like to but-"
"But what?" Ukygo demanded.
"I er . . . you didn't tell me the magic words."
"Oh right. Well here they are, write them down if you need too."
"Aha! See they didn't let him do that in the movie." Ryoga noted.
"Stop talking about this imaginary stuff, and pay attention elf licker!"
"Elf licker?" Ryoga frowned. "Is 'licker' even a word?"
"It is in ye dictionary of ye bad olde English! Now, the magic words are: Hullabaloo and howdy do, rusty tongs and steak knives too . . ."
"Hullabaloo and howdy do, musty prawns and Timbuktu . . ." Ryoga copied.
"No! No you fool!"
"No! No you tool!"
"Stop! Stop writing this! You idiot! That's it, here, I'll write it for you." Ukygo said. She wrote it down on a piece of paper and handed it to Ryoga. "Alright, here you go. When you're finished, just stay here and I'll come back for you with the princesses." Ukygo said.
"That wont be a problem. Alright, I'm off." Ryoga said. He walked out the door, it was funny this magical chamber looked just like-
"That's the hallway!" Ukygo cried, dragging him back in and throwing him through the golden doors. "And don't come back without the book!" She sent him off.
As soon as Ryoga was through the door Ukygo groaned. "I forgot to tell him about the fourth book, which does everything the first book does, but comes with the bonus of the world being destroyed by little green dwarves who shout "Rally Ho!" (Yes, yes I *would* bring them into this story too.)
Ryoga's trek to the book was long and difficult. It was a straight path to walk, a narrow corridor but somehow he kept getting lost, he'd passed by the same guardian Minotaur three times, had to fight the same iron golem twice and then he'd had to deal with this strange little robot with green eyes who kept singing some sort of song of doom.
The latter had been the most challenging, and he wished he had Checkers with him . . . where was Checkers?
He had no time to think of that now, he fought his way to a large altar of stone, on it were four books. They were all blue, one had a picture of a sword on it and another had a picture of a bow and arrow ready to fire. Another had a picture of a shield with two swords crossed over it, the final book had a picture of a knight on a horse holding his spear up to slay a dragon.
He thought for a moment, then decided that the symbols on the books were obviously telling what number they were. One sword, book one. A bow and arrow book two. A shield and two swords, book three. A knight, his horse, the dragon and his spear, book four.
The dragon book seemed to compel him, seemed to draw him in, but he knew that it was the first book he needed. So he read Ukygo's magic words . . . except they were in ye olde English script so he had to just sort of guess. Luckily he remembered the first part. "Hullabaloo and Rowdy Lou, musty frogs and sun chips too," strange demonic shadows started to rise, there was a ghostly moan and shrieks of agony. Ryoga began to read "Spanish production, question mark, alternative life styles for men and women, Road Runners stuck in Coyote's glue!" The books shone with magical light, the walls began to shake and he grabbed the first one and ran.
The walls began to shake, Nabiatrix scowled. "Sounds like Sir Ryoga screwed up." She said.
"It doesn't surprise me, he doesn't even look like a knight." Ukygo said. "Not really. He doesn't even have any armor."
"Oh it's all in his bag, I don't know why he doesn't wear it. He doesn't have a sword though, poor dumb guy." Arkane sighed.
"How long ago did you send him in there for the book?"
"Yesterday." Ukygo's scowl was almost as pure as Nabiatrix'.
Finally the door opened and Ryoga emerged, Nabiatrix was relieved when she saw he at least had the stupid book.
Ukygo inspected it then scowled. "This is the wrong one!" She cried.
"What? But it's the first book!" Ryoga protested.
Ukyo opened the cover. "Book of Magic, Fourth Edition." She shook her head. "Never mind, let's go, we have to get out of here!"
"Wait, there's something I'm forgetting!"
"Whatever it is it must not be important!" Ukygo cried, they left the castle, Ryoga still scratching his head over what he'd forgotten.
Of course the princesses had to say goodbye to everyone. But eventually they were away. They tromped through a dark, dreary forest and Ryoga had a strange feeling they were being watched. Sure enough their way was soon blocked by two familiar faces.
"Mousse! Shampoo!" Ryoga yelped.
"I am not Shampoo!" Mousse cried.
"I not Mousse!" Shampoo cried.
"Who art thou?" Nabiatrix demanded.
"I am Moudred, the amazon king!" Mousse cried.
"And I Shamputer, beautiful Amazon queen." Shampoo cried.
Ryoga blinked. "Moudrid? And . . . Shamputer?"
"Shamputer's parents scientists." Shamputer shrugged.
"You've got to be kidding!"
"Shamputer also go by more normal name Shampudeloc."
"Shampudeloc?" Ryoga raised an eyebrow.
"Is not uncommon name!" Shamputer cried! "Just call Shamputer!"
"Shamputer *is* better." Ryoga agreed.
"Well I am Princess Arkane of Rubadub engaged to Prince Ranmorgan Le Fay."
"Wait a minute! Morgan Le Fay? Why does that name sound so familiar?" Ryoga frowned.
"He's very famous." Arkane scowled. "Do not interrupt. This is my sister the money-obsessed psycho princess Nabiatrix-"
"What did you call me?" Nabiatrix was suddenly glaring at her sister.
"Our new friend Sir-eh Madame Ukygowain,"
"What did you call me!" Ukygo demanded. "I'm a woman and you should know since you tried to sleep with me you-"
"And of course our rude defender, Sir Ryoga of the Wolf Fang."
"Shamputer hear tell of a Ryokay, wandering trying to find cure for curse."
"Curse?" Ryoga asked.
"Yes, apparently there is wandering man Ryokay, apparently cursed with world's best sense of direction seeks to lose forever his perfect sense of direction and be normal, but something wrong happens and now he and all descendants stupid cannot find way." Shamputer said.
"Must be a relative of yours Sir Ryoga." Arkane said.
"If I were a woman I'd cry." Ryoga sighed.
"What's that supposed to mean!?" Ukygo cried. "That women are soft and we cry a lot?"
"Yes."
"DIE!" All three cried together. They chased after him and ran deep into the forest.
Shamputer frowned. "We tell them about giant yes?"
"No my dear I don't think we did." Moudred sighed.
Not so long after the four left a dog came by. It was black and white, it barked at Shamputer and the two held a conversation for a moment.
"ARF!" 'Which way did they go?'
"That way." Shamputer pointed. "Be careful of Giant Great Grand Monster."
"Halt!" Cried the large yet strangely small giant. "I am the giant of the bridge and none shall pass least ye answer my three questions!"
"Oh! I know this one!" Ryoga said. "Let me do it!"
"Go ahead." Nabiatrix said, pushing him forward.
"Ask me the questions bridge keeper, I'm not afraid!" Ryoga shouted.
"What, is your name?" The giant, who resembled Cologne, asked.
"Ryoga!"
"What is your quest?"
"I want to destroy Ranmorgan the dragon!"
"What . . . is *her* favorite color?" The giant pointed at Arkane.
Ryoga gulped. "Hey! You did it wrong! You're supposed to ask me what *my* favorite color is!"
"Answer the question or be thrown off the bridge into the shallow stream!"
"Okay, okay, I don't want that . . ." Ryoga said . . . the girls suddenly realized the stream was in fact quite shallow and they just jumped across and waved for him to follow.
"Er . . . Arkane's favorite color is . . . eh . . . BLUE!"
"Wrong!" Cologne laughed, Ryoga was thrown into the air, but he ended up landing on the other side.
"That wasn't so bad!" Ryoga cried.
The giant groaned. "I don't like squishes who sneak over my bridge! Now ye shall all die!"
"Run!" Arkane cried.
"Run!" Ukygo agreed.
"Run *away*!" Nabiatrix clarified for Ryoga who was running towards the monster.
The four companions ran but down came the staff and the Cologne giant squashed them all.
Then Checkers showed up.
"I knew I was forgetting something!" Ryoga cried.
"My spleen!" Nabiatrix groaned.
"My beautiful braiiiinnnnnssssssss!" Arkane cried out. "I can see them!" She said normally. Ukygo smacked her and her eyes rolled back to normal. "Hey! I can see again!"
Checkers barked a bit and finally Cologne nodded. "Very well, I will release them!" She lifted the stick and Ryoga and the others were free . . . but still smashed to pancakes.
"That dog is more of a hero than you." Nabiatrix scowled.
"Hey! Just one time!" Ryoga cried.
"Arf!" Checkers barked.
"Oh alright!" Cologne pouted and threw some powder on the four pancakes-er adventurers and turned them back to normal.
"Okay fine, so maybe my dog is a better hero than I am . . . at least I . . . uh . . ." Ryoga paused for a long time.
"At least you what?" Nabiatrix scowled.
"At least you bravely tried to answer the bridge questions and failed?" Ukygo offered.
"At least you took us to the castle of big gay men and then brought us the wrong magic book?" Nabiatrix offered.
"At least you're cute!" Arkane cried.
"You think I'm cute?" Ryoga raised a hopeful eyebrow. The girls walked on without him. They didn't notice the army of little green dwarves that slowly descended on the world screaming "Rally Ho!" from behind them, falling over the castle of Letom and ripping everything to shreds as the beautiful men tried desperately to massage them into submission.
To Be Continued . . .
Next Time . . .
Ryoga and the girls are at the head of the fiery keep of the dragon, but to enter they must first deal with the red knight . . . then the blue knight . . . then the green knight . . . and finally the black knight . . . but not before the purple knight. Nabiatrix refuses to be seen with an unarmored knight so the girls force Ryoga to wear the armor which proves to be quite itchy, and Ryoga and Ranmorgan the dragon fight a dangerous battle, will Ukygo's spell book come in handy? Will any of this actually happen? Will the next chapter be as BAD as this one was? FIND OUT NEXT TIME, in Chapter 4 of A Dragon Called Ranmaaaaaaaaaaa!!!!