A Dragon Called Ranma
Part 4
The Fiery Keep of Ranma!
A/N: Let's make THIS chapter a good one! ^_^
Ryoga! Sir Ryoga! Ryoga of the Wolf Fang! He wasn't even sure what to call himself. He was protector of this land now, be it by luck or misfortune, for better or for worse he'd promised to destroy Ranma. Of course at the time he'd thought Ranma was his rival, Ranma Saotome, not Prince Ranmorgan Le Fay of the kingdom Dirt.
'I can do this.' He thought, as he neared the Dragon's keep. It wasn't a keep so much as a broken down fort in front of a large hole in a mountain, which could only be a cave. 'This will work.' He told himself. 'I can defeat this dragon, and I will be cured of my magical curse, I'll be able to go home . . . well, that is back to my own time . . . or dimension.' Ryoga thought as he marched along. His pack was unusually heavy, partially because the wizard Happerlin had gifted him a full suit of armor, partially because the beautiful princess Arkane was sitting on it.
"My feet are tired, let me sit on the pack now!" Nabiatrix whined.
"Not yet!" Arkane whined back. Ryoga scowled, he couldn't take all this whining! Princesses or not they were getting on his nerves.
And then there was Ukygo. He wasn't quite sure what to make of him-er her. She was identical to his own Ukyo, just like Arkane and Nabiatrix were identical to Akane and Nabiki. Ukygo was some sort of monk or something in a castle full of homosexuals in denial, what she was doing there was anyone's guess and she didn't seem too keen on telling.
She'd wanted him to bring her a spell book, but she hadn't used it, and didn't really look like a wizard. Ukyo had been a fighter what was Ukygo?
Of course the princesses deserved consideration as well, for what he was about to do would depend on them as well.
Arkane resembled Akane in personality and body but was also so very different from Akane. She was, perhaps what Akane might have been were she raised in the grandeur of a royal court. Arkane had been engaged to Ranma-er Ranmorgan and apparently the insane wizard had turned Ranmorgan into a dragon because of it, but did that mean she'd *loved* Ranmorgan? And why did such a detail eat away at Ryoga's mind? Was it because even the Akane that wasn't Akane was obviously in love with some one who . . . well, just wasn't Ryoga? Had the Ranma who wasn't Ranma beaten him at something he hadn't even been prepared for? His head was starting to hurt, he moved on.
Nabiatrix. Yes, Nabiatrix certainly seemed like Nabiki, she'd even sold him into slavery. But she was sloppy compared to Nabiki, she'd sold their food and water supplies to bandits who'd tried to kidnap and rape her a few days before, and then suggested living off the foodstuffs in Ryoga's "magical" backpack. Maybe if Nabiki were raised surrounded by money, she wouldn't need to be *good* at scamming people and thus she'd be Nabiatrix.
Neither princess would be very useful to him, and so far they hadn't done a very good job of guiding him to the dragon. In fact everyone was following Checkers now.
"And here we are!" Cried Nabiatrix triumphantly. "I've done my job and led you to the fiery keep of the dragon!"
"Eh . . . Checkers led me to the fiery keep of the dragon." Ryoga noted.
"You only think the dog led you, it was in fact my super intelligence that inspired the dog to go the correct way, it was me who-"
"Shut up." Ukygo scowled. "Am I the only one who remembers that the "fiery keep of the dragon" is supposed to have a dragon?"
"Yeah . . . where is the big ugly lizard anyway?" Ryoga frowned.
"In the keep maybe." Arkane said.
"How would the dragon squeeze through that tiny door?"
"We're really far away Sir. Ryoga, if we go *closer* maybe the door will be larger?" Nabiatrix sounded like a teacher trying to get her student to figure out what two plus two equaled on his own.
"FIVE!" Ryoga cried out, then corrected himself, "I mean four. Eh . . . let's go."
As it turned out the door did get larger. Much larger. It was pretty darn big actually, Ryoga understood now how the dragon could get in and out. But as he and the others approached the gates swung open and out marched a man with blood red armor astride a horse with an amber coat, and red silk draped over it so it looked like the horse was dressed up like a ghost. A red ghost.
"None shall pass!" The Red Knight said.
"Who-" Arkane began,
"None shall pass!"
"Who are-" Arkane tried,
"I say NONE shall pass!"
"Eh? What is this? Who are you!" Nabiatrix demanded.
"I am-"
"Who are you?" Nabiatrix scowled.
"I-"
"Who are you!?!" Nabiatrix glared.
"You fool! I am the Red Knight! The avatar of the great Dragon Ranma, general of Ranmorgan's Red Legion!"
"Red Knight, let us pass, we must face your master Ranmorgan and free him of this curse!" Ryoga said. The Red Knight seemed to be considering it, until Ukygo shouted,
"Free him by KILLING him! AHAHAHAHAHAHA!"
"What? Then ye shall die!" The knight cried, drawing his sword.
"G'on sir Ryoga, fight him!" Nabiatrix said.
"With what?" Arkane panicked. "He doesn't have a sword!"
Nabiatrix nodded. She pointed to Ryoga's umbrella. "Use this."
Ryoga sighed, picked up the umbrella just in time to block an attack from the knight's huge broad sword.
"Haha!" The knight cried.
"Haha!" Ryoga mimicked, whacking the knight over the head with the umbrella's handle. The knight fell off his horse and fainted . . . or died, you can't get a pulse on an armored wrist.
The gates opened again, and a blue knight came out. "I am the Blue Knight!" He said. "I am the Admiral of Ranmorgan's navy!"
"But the kingdom of Dirt was land locked!" Arkane cried.
"Yes . . . such a cushy job!" The Blue Knight nodded. "Ye, who hath slain the Red Knight must know my fury!"
"Do we have to?" Ryoga whined.
The evil sorcerer Happerlin watched from the tower's tallest window. The blue knight went down, the green knight went down, the purple knight made a valiant effort but actually was defeated by Nabiatrix when she sneezed and he panicked and ran into the mote screaming about the plagues. Knights can't swim.
The black knight tried, but his limbs had only recently been sewn back on, so he didn't put up much of a challenge. Happerlin clapped as the four adventurers marched for the palace. "Hurrah! They will reverse my filthy evil!" The little wizard scurried down stairs and saw Sir. Ryoga and three beautiful women, the beautiful Arkane, his desired bride, magnificent Nabiatrix, the *real* ruler of the land, and some chick with a big book of spells.
"Sweet!" Happerlin cried, leaping at Arkane's breasts. Ryoga blocked him, Happerlin grunted. "Sorry." He apologized. He pointed to Arkane, "later my darling!"
"Hey! You're the evil wizard who turned my fiancee into a dragon!" Arkane cried.
"Digging up lawns, and knocking over trash cans with single whip of his tail!" Ukygo added.
"And burning all the really attractive knights to death, leaving me to marry-" Nabiatrix shuddered "Tatewa-Kay Kunobir!"
"What about sir Ryoga?" Arkane asked.
"He's too stupid to make a good husband." Nabiatrix scoffed.
"Hey! If Tatewa-Kay Kunobir is anything like Tatewaki Kuno, then I'm worlds smarter than he is!" Everyone stared at Ryoga. "What?"
"So you want to marry Nabiatrix then?" Arkane looked excited.
"I didn't say that!" Ryoga protested.
"Then what *are* you saying?" Nabiatrix scowled.
"Yeah! What *are* you saying Sir. Ryoga?" Ukygo demanded.
"Eh . . . y'know I really want to go slay a dragon right now." Ryoga said. He marched off, Nabiatrix grabbed him.
"Just a second 'Sir' Ryoga." She said coldly. "I think it'd be best if you, a knight of the realm, donned your armor before facing the dragon."
"But I-"
"Do it!" Nabiatrix cried.
Happerlin shuddered, Ryoga donned the armor it was of course a perfect fit, he looked really good too. Unfortunately . . .
"This is really itchy!" Ryoga said.
"Yeah, well deal with it Mr. 'I didn't say that!" Nabiatrix shoved him towards the large door that said "This way to Dragon". Now everyone stared at Nabiatrix.
"So you *want* to marry sir Ryoga?" Arkane sounded even more excited than when Ryoga suggested he wanted to marry Nabiatrix.
"I didn't say that!" Nabiatrix cried.
"What *are* you saying?" Ryoga asked.
"Yeah, what *are* you saying, Princess Nabiatrix?" Ukygo scowled.
"Just shut up and die!" Nabiatrix shoved Ryoga through the door.
"Off! Off to adventure!" Ukygo said, then for no apparent reason she smacked Ryoga with her book. "Cad!" She hissed.
"What?" Ryoga looked confused, but the girls just kicked him through the door. Happerlin scratched his head.
"I'm confused now." He said.
"A woman's heart is a fickle thing." Arkane explained.
"That doesn't being to explain-"
"You can die too!" Nabiatrix shoved the little wizard through the door after Ryoga.
Happerlin showed up just as Ryoga finished picking his now very heavy self up off the ground. He scratched his head. "What is up with them?"
"Must be that time of the month." The tiny wizard scowled.
"I heard that!" One of the girls-Ryoga couldn't tell which-shouted.
The door led down to tunnels which led to caves, Ryoga and the wizard traveled them until they found a large cave with a big purple-gray lizard's tail sticking out.
"This is simple," Happerlin said, "we get in, kill the dragon, get out, you go back to your own time and I cure you of your curse and everyone lives happily ever after!"
"Sounds good." Ryoga nodded. "Lets go!"
"What do you want to do today?" Ranma the dragon's left head said. This head was male with blue-black scales going all along his neck down to the purple-gray body.
"I dunno. You wanna knock over some trash cans?" The right head asked. This one was female with pink-red scales going along her neck to the purple-gray body.
"You wanna burn some innocent victims?" Black asked.
"That's always fun." Red nodded.
"Not so fast!" A little human thing shouted. "I am Sir. Ryoga of The Wolf Fang, I have come from the kingdom Rubadub with princesses Arkane and Nabiatrix to put an end to your evil reign Ranmorgan!"
"I'm not Ranmorgan!" Red cried.
The little knight looked up at them. "Hey! It's Ranma . . . and Ranko! You didn't say it was a two headed dragon!"
"Yes I did! I had to first separate Ranmorgan from his feminine alter-ego, then I turned them into a dragon." The very tiny wizard, Happerlin said.
"See?" Black asked. "And *you* said we were around since the big bang! I told you we were the product of incest and toxic waste!"
"What?" Ryoga blinked.
"You're the product of MY incredible magic! My disgustingly filthy evil!" Happerlin cried. "I am your creator, your father, YOUR MASTER!"
"You mean you didn't even clean your evil before you made us?" Red yelped.
Happerlin seemed to be trying to fathom her words. Finally he scowled. "As your master, I command you to destroy Sir Ryoga to show how powerful my magic is!"
"Hey! We're on the same side!" Ryoga cried.
"Oh . . . sorry I forgot. Well dragon, don't kill him then."
"But that'd be the perfect way to get rid of our boredom." Black said.
"Yep." Red agreed.
"So . . . lets . . ." Black trailed off . . .
"KILL HIM!" Red lunged forward, her large mouth full of teeth the size of swords.
Ryoga dodged Ranko's attack and brought his umbrella down on the dragon's huge snout, then ran along the cave wall as the black head spat fire at him. Soon the red head joined in, Ryoga was slow-moving and his armor was itchy! He drew his umbrella again and used it to shield himself from the flames as he tried to claw through the breastplate to get at his chest. Surprisingly the flames just rolled off the umbrella leaving it unharmed, unfortunately the heat melted Ryoga's armor together, he'd never get it off now!
That filled him with rage, he took his umbrella and lunged for the dragon.
"Do you have any idea how itchy this is?" He cried, slapping the black head back and forth with the umbrella, then he smacked the red head.
The dragon didn't like this, Black brought his head up, Red brought her head down, and then they slammed them together and a huge blast of flame erupted from them. Ryoga was blown all the way to the cave wall, he wondered why he wasn't dying.
Happerlin chuckled. "See? My filthy evil magic comes in handy!" He was sitting on Ryoga's head, casting some sort of barrier spell.
"EEH! Don't touch me with your filthy evil!" The dragon cried, Red and Black bumped heads again, this time it wasn't intentional, and they started trying to flee the cave. Ryoga chased them and then stopped.
"How do I slay the dragon?" he asked.
"Didn't you ask the spell book?" Happerlin frowned.
"I knew I was forgetting something!" Ryoga cried. Then he frowned. "What the heck am I bothering with this for?" He asked. He took a couple bandannas and just threw them at the dragons, it took a few rounds but eventually he'd cut off their heads. "That wasn't so bad." He said at last.
"For you!" Black cried, then died.
"Jerk!" Red cried, then died.
There was a loud silence, then the universe imploded in on itself because silence can't really be loud. Luckily no one noticed.
There was a magical hush now, then the room glowed bright and a church quire sang one of those songs where the just moan "ahh" for a really long time while music plays. Eh . . . never mind. Anyway when the flash ended and Ryoga's eyes agreed to start working again, Ryoga could see Ranma standing before him dressed in princely robes. He had a sword in one hand, and wore a cape. Even the prince Ranmorgan of Dirt had a pigtail.
"Yo, Sir. Knight. I am prince Ranmorgan of Dirt. Ya freed me from my prison, for this I . . . I dunno, I guess I gotta say "thank you."
"Yeah, yeah, yeah!" Ryoga scowled, trying to get his armor off.
"If there's ever anything I can do for ya, I suppose I'd owe ya a favor or something."
"Yeah, yeah, yeah!" Ryoga managed to get his breastplate off. "YES!"
The little wizard Happerlin sighed. "Alas, I was hoping you'd die when your dragon form died."
"I almost did ya old lecher!" Ranmorgan said, whacking Happerlin with the flat of his blade. "That'll learn ya!"
"How did you survive?" Ryoga asked, finally free of his armor.
"I . . . I think it was because of love."
"Get away from me!" Ryoga cried, jumping a pace back.
"Not you!" Ranmorgan cried. "I remembered my tom-boy violent maniac fiancee Arkane, and I just couldn't die."
"Yeah right." Happerlin scoffed.
"Shaddap old man!"
Arkane was pacing back and forth, Nabiatrix was reading a magazine called "Maids in Armour" and Ukygo was flipping through her spell book.
"Those are so fake!" Nabiatrix said, breaking the silence. "You'd think the brave knights of Dirt would have better reading material!"
"How can you two sit back and read?" Arkane cried. "We sent poor Sir. Ryoga to his death!"
"He'll be fine." Ukygo said.
"We should have gone with him!" Arkane continued.
"Too busy. I'll go later."
"But what about the gold?" Arkane scowled. Nabiatrix threw the magazine in the air and dashed for the door.
"I forgot!" She cried. She opened the door and bumped into Ryoga. "Ouch!"
"Nabiatrix?" Ryoga asked. "You were going to go in after me?"
"Darn right! Where's the dragon's horde?" Nabiatrix asked.
"That's the kindest thing anyone has ever done!" Ryoga said, tears in his eyes, he hugged her tight, "I'll never forget your comradery!"
"Arms . . . and . . . legs . . . useless!" Nabiatrix cried as Ryoga crushed her. "Get . . . off me!"
"Oops." Ryoga let her go. "Sorry. So . . . what now?" He asked the little wizard.
"Now we go and get the treasure!" Nabiatrix cried after she caught her breath.
"There is no treasure." Happerlin said. "The myth of dragon's hordes is just a myth."
"You lie! Youu Liiieeeeee!" Nabiatrix tried to claw the little wizard's face but Ryoga was blocking her.
"It's true, I didn't have a horde, but I really wish I did." Ranmorgan said, coming out from behind Happerlin and Ryoga. Nabiatix gawked for a moment.
"Ranmorgan!" Akrane cried.
"Arkane!" Ranmorgan gasped. They ran towards each other, they were about to throw their arms around each other when suddenly they stopped, crossed their arms and turned away from each other. "Uncute tomboy!" He scowled.
"Self absorbed show off!" She scowled back.
"Wow . . . our worlds are so much alike." Ryoga sighed.
"Alas, despite their words she'd rather have him than me." Happerlin sighed.
Nabiatrix huffed then stomped off. "Alright, we saved the prince, killed the dragon, and don't have any reward for it!"
"Oh I wouldn't say that." Happerlin said. "I will give you all gifts for helping rid the world of my disgustingly filthy evil. For you, Ukygo, a giant spatula that you will pass down from generation to generation!" The tiny wizard pulled this out of his pocket somehow. "As long as you and your descendants possess this, you will have a very successful Japanese Pizza industry."
"Japanese what?" Ukygo frowned.
"For you, Nabiatrix, a purse."
"That's it?"
"Whenever you need to pay for something you just reach into the purse and the money you need will be there."
"I see . . ." Nabiatrix grinned. "This aint so bad. Lets start small, twenty gold pieces!" She said, reaching in, her hand came out empty.
"It only works if you need to pay for something."
"This sucks old man!" Nabiatrix scowled.
"For you, Arkane, the most precious gift."
"What is it?" Arkane asked.
"A girdle, you need it fatty!" Happerlin chuckled, tossing Arkane a golden girdle. She stole Ranmorgan's sword and lunged for the wizard screaming. "I'm just joking! I'm just joking! When you put that girdle on you'll automatically be wearing the dress of your dreams!"
"That's wonderful!"
Nabiatrix herd Happerlin whisper to Ranmorgan, "that's your present too, when the dress appears Arkane's breasts will be ten times as large as they are now, and it'll stay that way until she takes the girdle off."
"YES!" Ranmorgan cried.
"Hey!" Nabiatrix scowled.
"And for Sir. Ryoga, well he'll get his reward when his quest is finished."
"Say what now?" Ryoga frowned. "My quest *is* finished! I slew the dragon!"
"Yes, but you also unleashed an unspeakable evil on the world and you need to stop it. The green dwarves are even now attacking Rubadub, you and Ranmorgan must go there now and stop them."
"GAH!" Ryoga fell over.
"Don't worry, my trusty generals will round up my enormous army in no time and we can go take those dwarves down!" Ranmorgan said. "I owe ya that much."
"Except they had to kill your generals to save you." Happerlin said. "And your soldiers are on vacation."
"Son of a-"
"Well, you young'uns better get going." Happerling chuckled and he disappeared.
"So . . . I guess we have to save Rubadub." Ryoga sighed.
"Guess so." Ranmorgan nodded. "Well let us waste no time! Forward! Hence forth we don't stop until we've killed all the dwarves!" They got on the five horses of the five defeated knights and rode off, unfortunately they let Ryoga lead and ended up getting lost and Checkers had to lead them out of The Bog of Confessions after the worst Truth or Dare game EVER! But I wont give you details . . . on that . . . I'd have to change the rating on this story ^_~
Anyway after that they traveled into the bog of fantasy, and I'll save that tale for the final chapter . . .
To Be Concluded . . .
In our last exciting episode our five adventurers have really strange fantasies, and then Ranmorgan the valiant, Ryoga the brave, Ukygo the cute, Arkane the tomboy, and Nabiatrix the greedy will wage vicious battle against the FF9 dwarves, and free Rubadub, but what's this? Happerlin lied to Ryoga about curing his curse? What's going to happen?
Part 4
The Fiery Keep of Ranma!
A/N: Let's make THIS chapter a good one! ^_^
Ryoga! Sir Ryoga! Ryoga of the Wolf Fang! He wasn't even sure what to call himself. He was protector of this land now, be it by luck or misfortune, for better or for worse he'd promised to destroy Ranma. Of course at the time he'd thought Ranma was his rival, Ranma Saotome, not Prince Ranmorgan Le Fay of the kingdom Dirt.
'I can do this.' He thought, as he neared the Dragon's keep. It wasn't a keep so much as a broken down fort in front of a large hole in a mountain, which could only be a cave. 'This will work.' He told himself. 'I can defeat this dragon, and I will be cured of my magical curse, I'll be able to go home . . . well, that is back to my own time . . . or dimension.' Ryoga thought as he marched along. His pack was unusually heavy, partially because the wizard Happerlin had gifted him a full suit of armor, partially because the beautiful princess Arkane was sitting on it.
"My feet are tired, let me sit on the pack now!" Nabiatrix whined.
"Not yet!" Arkane whined back. Ryoga scowled, he couldn't take all this whining! Princesses or not they were getting on his nerves.
And then there was Ukygo. He wasn't quite sure what to make of him-er her. She was identical to his own Ukyo, just like Arkane and Nabiatrix were identical to Akane and Nabiki. Ukygo was some sort of monk or something in a castle full of homosexuals in denial, what she was doing there was anyone's guess and she didn't seem too keen on telling.
She'd wanted him to bring her a spell book, but she hadn't used it, and didn't really look like a wizard. Ukyo had been a fighter what was Ukygo?
Of course the princesses deserved consideration as well, for what he was about to do would depend on them as well.
Arkane resembled Akane in personality and body but was also so very different from Akane. She was, perhaps what Akane might have been were she raised in the grandeur of a royal court. Arkane had been engaged to Ranma-er Ranmorgan and apparently the insane wizard had turned Ranmorgan into a dragon because of it, but did that mean she'd *loved* Ranmorgan? And why did such a detail eat away at Ryoga's mind? Was it because even the Akane that wasn't Akane was obviously in love with some one who . . . well, just wasn't Ryoga? Had the Ranma who wasn't Ranma beaten him at something he hadn't even been prepared for? His head was starting to hurt, he moved on.
Nabiatrix. Yes, Nabiatrix certainly seemed like Nabiki, she'd even sold him into slavery. But she was sloppy compared to Nabiki, she'd sold their food and water supplies to bandits who'd tried to kidnap and rape her a few days before, and then suggested living off the foodstuffs in Ryoga's "magical" backpack. Maybe if Nabiki were raised surrounded by money, she wouldn't need to be *good* at scamming people and thus she'd be Nabiatrix.
Neither princess would be very useful to him, and so far they hadn't done a very good job of guiding him to the dragon. In fact everyone was following Checkers now.
"And here we are!" Cried Nabiatrix triumphantly. "I've done my job and led you to the fiery keep of the dragon!"
"Eh . . . Checkers led me to the fiery keep of the dragon." Ryoga noted.
"You only think the dog led you, it was in fact my super intelligence that inspired the dog to go the correct way, it was me who-"
"Shut up." Ukygo scowled. "Am I the only one who remembers that the "fiery keep of the dragon" is supposed to have a dragon?"
"Yeah . . . where is the big ugly lizard anyway?" Ryoga frowned.
"In the keep maybe." Arkane said.
"How would the dragon squeeze through that tiny door?"
"We're really far away Sir. Ryoga, if we go *closer* maybe the door will be larger?" Nabiatrix sounded like a teacher trying to get her student to figure out what two plus two equaled on his own.
"FIVE!" Ryoga cried out, then corrected himself, "I mean four. Eh . . . let's go."
As it turned out the door did get larger. Much larger. It was pretty darn big actually, Ryoga understood now how the dragon could get in and out. But as he and the others approached the gates swung open and out marched a man with blood red armor astride a horse with an amber coat, and red silk draped over it so it looked like the horse was dressed up like a ghost. A red ghost.
"None shall pass!" The Red Knight said.
"Who-" Arkane began,
"None shall pass!"
"Who are-" Arkane tried,
"I say NONE shall pass!"
"Eh? What is this? Who are you!" Nabiatrix demanded.
"I am-"
"Who are you?" Nabiatrix scowled.
"I-"
"Who are you!?!" Nabiatrix glared.
"You fool! I am the Red Knight! The avatar of the great Dragon Ranma, general of Ranmorgan's Red Legion!"
"Red Knight, let us pass, we must face your master Ranmorgan and free him of this curse!" Ryoga said. The Red Knight seemed to be considering it, until Ukygo shouted,
"Free him by KILLING him! AHAHAHAHAHAHA!"
"What? Then ye shall die!" The knight cried, drawing his sword.
"G'on sir Ryoga, fight him!" Nabiatrix said.
"With what?" Arkane panicked. "He doesn't have a sword!"
Nabiatrix nodded. She pointed to Ryoga's umbrella. "Use this."
Ryoga sighed, picked up the umbrella just in time to block an attack from the knight's huge broad sword.
"Haha!" The knight cried.
"Haha!" Ryoga mimicked, whacking the knight over the head with the umbrella's handle. The knight fell off his horse and fainted . . . or died, you can't get a pulse on an armored wrist.
The gates opened again, and a blue knight came out. "I am the Blue Knight!" He said. "I am the Admiral of Ranmorgan's navy!"
"But the kingdom of Dirt was land locked!" Arkane cried.
"Yes . . . such a cushy job!" The Blue Knight nodded. "Ye, who hath slain the Red Knight must know my fury!"
"Do we have to?" Ryoga whined.
The evil sorcerer Happerlin watched from the tower's tallest window. The blue knight went down, the green knight went down, the purple knight made a valiant effort but actually was defeated by Nabiatrix when she sneezed and he panicked and ran into the mote screaming about the plagues. Knights can't swim.
The black knight tried, but his limbs had only recently been sewn back on, so he didn't put up much of a challenge. Happerlin clapped as the four adventurers marched for the palace. "Hurrah! They will reverse my filthy evil!" The little wizard scurried down stairs and saw Sir. Ryoga and three beautiful women, the beautiful Arkane, his desired bride, magnificent Nabiatrix, the *real* ruler of the land, and some chick with a big book of spells.
"Sweet!" Happerlin cried, leaping at Arkane's breasts. Ryoga blocked him, Happerlin grunted. "Sorry." He apologized. He pointed to Arkane, "later my darling!"
"Hey! You're the evil wizard who turned my fiancee into a dragon!" Arkane cried.
"Digging up lawns, and knocking over trash cans with single whip of his tail!" Ukygo added.
"And burning all the really attractive knights to death, leaving me to marry-" Nabiatrix shuddered "Tatewa-Kay Kunobir!"
"What about sir Ryoga?" Arkane asked.
"He's too stupid to make a good husband." Nabiatrix scoffed.
"Hey! If Tatewa-Kay Kunobir is anything like Tatewaki Kuno, then I'm worlds smarter than he is!" Everyone stared at Ryoga. "What?"
"So you want to marry Nabiatrix then?" Arkane looked excited.
"I didn't say that!" Ryoga protested.
"Then what *are* you saying?" Nabiatrix scowled.
"Yeah! What *are* you saying Sir. Ryoga?" Ukygo demanded.
"Eh . . . y'know I really want to go slay a dragon right now." Ryoga said. He marched off, Nabiatrix grabbed him.
"Just a second 'Sir' Ryoga." She said coldly. "I think it'd be best if you, a knight of the realm, donned your armor before facing the dragon."
"But I-"
"Do it!" Nabiatrix cried.
Happerlin shuddered, Ryoga donned the armor it was of course a perfect fit, he looked really good too. Unfortunately . . .
"This is really itchy!" Ryoga said.
"Yeah, well deal with it Mr. 'I didn't say that!" Nabiatrix shoved him towards the large door that said "This way to Dragon". Now everyone stared at Nabiatrix.
"So you *want* to marry sir Ryoga?" Arkane sounded even more excited than when Ryoga suggested he wanted to marry Nabiatrix.
"I didn't say that!" Nabiatrix cried.
"What *are* you saying?" Ryoga asked.
"Yeah, what *are* you saying, Princess Nabiatrix?" Ukygo scowled.
"Just shut up and die!" Nabiatrix shoved Ryoga through the door.
"Off! Off to adventure!" Ukygo said, then for no apparent reason she smacked Ryoga with her book. "Cad!" She hissed.
"What?" Ryoga looked confused, but the girls just kicked him through the door. Happerlin scratched his head.
"I'm confused now." He said.
"A woman's heart is a fickle thing." Arkane explained.
"That doesn't being to explain-"
"You can die too!" Nabiatrix shoved the little wizard through the door after Ryoga.
Happerlin showed up just as Ryoga finished picking his now very heavy self up off the ground. He scratched his head. "What is up with them?"
"Must be that time of the month." The tiny wizard scowled.
"I heard that!" One of the girls-Ryoga couldn't tell which-shouted.
The door led down to tunnels which led to caves, Ryoga and the wizard traveled them until they found a large cave with a big purple-gray lizard's tail sticking out.
"This is simple," Happerlin said, "we get in, kill the dragon, get out, you go back to your own time and I cure you of your curse and everyone lives happily ever after!"
"Sounds good." Ryoga nodded. "Lets go!"
"What do you want to do today?" Ranma the dragon's left head said. This head was male with blue-black scales going all along his neck down to the purple-gray body.
"I dunno. You wanna knock over some trash cans?" The right head asked. This one was female with pink-red scales going along her neck to the purple-gray body.
"You wanna burn some innocent victims?" Black asked.
"That's always fun." Red nodded.
"Not so fast!" A little human thing shouted. "I am Sir. Ryoga of The Wolf Fang, I have come from the kingdom Rubadub with princesses Arkane and Nabiatrix to put an end to your evil reign Ranmorgan!"
"I'm not Ranmorgan!" Red cried.
The little knight looked up at them. "Hey! It's Ranma . . . and Ranko! You didn't say it was a two headed dragon!"
"Yes I did! I had to first separate Ranmorgan from his feminine alter-ego, then I turned them into a dragon." The very tiny wizard, Happerlin said.
"See?" Black asked. "And *you* said we were around since the big bang! I told you we were the product of incest and toxic waste!"
"What?" Ryoga blinked.
"You're the product of MY incredible magic! My disgustingly filthy evil!" Happerlin cried. "I am your creator, your father, YOUR MASTER!"
"You mean you didn't even clean your evil before you made us?" Red yelped.
Happerlin seemed to be trying to fathom her words. Finally he scowled. "As your master, I command you to destroy Sir Ryoga to show how powerful my magic is!"
"Hey! We're on the same side!" Ryoga cried.
"Oh . . . sorry I forgot. Well dragon, don't kill him then."
"But that'd be the perfect way to get rid of our boredom." Black said.
"Yep." Red agreed.
"So . . . lets . . ." Black trailed off . . .
"KILL HIM!" Red lunged forward, her large mouth full of teeth the size of swords.
Ryoga dodged Ranko's attack and brought his umbrella down on the dragon's huge snout, then ran along the cave wall as the black head spat fire at him. Soon the red head joined in, Ryoga was slow-moving and his armor was itchy! He drew his umbrella again and used it to shield himself from the flames as he tried to claw through the breastplate to get at his chest. Surprisingly the flames just rolled off the umbrella leaving it unharmed, unfortunately the heat melted Ryoga's armor together, he'd never get it off now!
That filled him with rage, he took his umbrella and lunged for the dragon.
"Do you have any idea how itchy this is?" He cried, slapping the black head back and forth with the umbrella, then he smacked the red head.
The dragon didn't like this, Black brought his head up, Red brought her head down, and then they slammed them together and a huge blast of flame erupted from them. Ryoga was blown all the way to the cave wall, he wondered why he wasn't dying.
Happerlin chuckled. "See? My filthy evil magic comes in handy!" He was sitting on Ryoga's head, casting some sort of barrier spell.
"EEH! Don't touch me with your filthy evil!" The dragon cried, Red and Black bumped heads again, this time it wasn't intentional, and they started trying to flee the cave. Ryoga chased them and then stopped.
"How do I slay the dragon?" he asked.
"Didn't you ask the spell book?" Happerlin frowned.
"I knew I was forgetting something!" Ryoga cried. Then he frowned. "What the heck am I bothering with this for?" He asked. He took a couple bandannas and just threw them at the dragons, it took a few rounds but eventually he'd cut off their heads. "That wasn't so bad." He said at last.
"For you!" Black cried, then died.
"Jerk!" Red cried, then died.
There was a loud silence, then the universe imploded in on itself because silence can't really be loud. Luckily no one noticed.
There was a magical hush now, then the room glowed bright and a church quire sang one of those songs where the just moan "ahh" for a really long time while music plays. Eh . . . never mind. Anyway when the flash ended and Ryoga's eyes agreed to start working again, Ryoga could see Ranma standing before him dressed in princely robes. He had a sword in one hand, and wore a cape. Even the prince Ranmorgan of Dirt had a pigtail.
"Yo, Sir. Knight. I am prince Ranmorgan of Dirt. Ya freed me from my prison, for this I . . . I dunno, I guess I gotta say "thank you."
"Yeah, yeah, yeah!" Ryoga scowled, trying to get his armor off.
"If there's ever anything I can do for ya, I suppose I'd owe ya a favor or something."
"Yeah, yeah, yeah!" Ryoga managed to get his breastplate off. "YES!"
The little wizard Happerlin sighed. "Alas, I was hoping you'd die when your dragon form died."
"I almost did ya old lecher!" Ranmorgan said, whacking Happerlin with the flat of his blade. "That'll learn ya!"
"How did you survive?" Ryoga asked, finally free of his armor.
"I . . . I think it was because of love."
"Get away from me!" Ryoga cried, jumping a pace back.
"Not you!" Ranmorgan cried. "I remembered my tom-boy violent maniac fiancee Arkane, and I just couldn't die."
"Yeah right." Happerlin scoffed.
"Shaddap old man!"
Arkane was pacing back and forth, Nabiatrix was reading a magazine called "Maids in Armour" and Ukygo was flipping through her spell book.
"Those are so fake!" Nabiatrix said, breaking the silence. "You'd think the brave knights of Dirt would have better reading material!"
"How can you two sit back and read?" Arkane cried. "We sent poor Sir. Ryoga to his death!"
"He'll be fine." Ukygo said.
"We should have gone with him!" Arkane continued.
"Too busy. I'll go later."
"But what about the gold?" Arkane scowled. Nabiatrix threw the magazine in the air and dashed for the door.
"I forgot!" She cried. She opened the door and bumped into Ryoga. "Ouch!"
"Nabiatrix?" Ryoga asked. "You were going to go in after me?"
"Darn right! Where's the dragon's horde?" Nabiatrix asked.
"That's the kindest thing anyone has ever done!" Ryoga said, tears in his eyes, he hugged her tight, "I'll never forget your comradery!"
"Arms . . . and . . . legs . . . useless!" Nabiatrix cried as Ryoga crushed her. "Get . . . off me!"
"Oops." Ryoga let her go. "Sorry. So . . . what now?" He asked the little wizard.
"Now we go and get the treasure!" Nabiatrix cried after she caught her breath.
"There is no treasure." Happerlin said. "The myth of dragon's hordes is just a myth."
"You lie! Youu Liiieeeeee!" Nabiatrix tried to claw the little wizard's face but Ryoga was blocking her.
"It's true, I didn't have a horde, but I really wish I did." Ranmorgan said, coming out from behind Happerlin and Ryoga. Nabiatix gawked for a moment.
"Ranmorgan!" Akrane cried.
"Arkane!" Ranmorgan gasped. They ran towards each other, they were about to throw their arms around each other when suddenly they stopped, crossed their arms and turned away from each other. "Uncute tomboy!" He scowled.
"Self absorbed show off!" She scowled back.
"Wow . . . our worlds are so much alike." Ryoga sighed.
"Alas, despite their words she'd rather have him than me." Happerlin sighed.
Nabiatrix huffed then stomped off. "Alright, we saved the prince, killed the dragon, and don't have any reward for it!"
"Oh I wouldn't say that." Happerlin said. "I will give you all gifts for helping rid the world of my disgustingly filthy evil. For you, Ukygo, a giant spatula that you will pass down from generation to generation!" The tiny wizard pulled this out of his pocket somehow. "As long as you and your descendants possess this, you will have a very successful Japanese Pizza industry."
"Japanese what?" Ukygo frowned.
"For you, Nabiatrix, a purse."
"That's it?"
"Whenever you need to pay for something you just reach into the purse and the money you need will be there."
"I see . . ." Nabiatrix grinned. "This aint so bad. Lets start small, twenty gold pieces!" She said, reaching in, her hand came out empty.
"It only works if you need to pay for something."
"This sucks old man!" Nabiatrix scowled.
"For you, Arkane, the most precious gift."
"What is it?" Arkane asked.
"A girdle, you need it fatty!" Happerlin chuckled, tossing Arkane a golden girdle. She stole Ranmorgan's sword and lunged for the wizard screaming. "I'm just joking! I'm just joking! When you put that girdle on you'll automatically be wearing the dress of your dreams!"
"That's wonderful!"
Nabiatrix herd Happerlin whisper to Ranmorgan, "that's your present too, when the dress appears Arkane's breasts will be ten times as large as they are now, and it'll stay that way until she takes the girdle off."
"YES!" Ranmorgan cried.
"Hey!" Nabiatrix scowled.
"And for Sir. Ryoga, well he'll get his reward when his quest is finished."
"Say what now?" Ryoga frowned. "My quest *is* finished! I slew the dragon!"
"Yes, but you also unleashed an unspeakable evil on the world and you need to stop it. The green dwarves are even now attacking Rubadub, you and Ranmorgan must go there now and stop them."
"GAH!" Ryoga fell over.
"Don't worry, my trusty generals will round up my enormous army in no time and we can go take those dwarves down!" Ranmorgan said. "I owe ya that much."
"Except they had to kill your generals to save you." Happerlin said. "And your soldiers are on vacation."
"Son of a-"
"Well, you young'uns better get going." Happerling chuckled and he disappeared.
"So . . . I guess we have to save Rubadub." Ryoga sighed.
"Guess so." Ranmorgan nodded. "Well let us waste no time! Forward! Hence forth we don't stop until we've killed all the dwarves!" They got on the five horses of the five defeated knights and rode off, unfortunately they let Ryoga lead and ended up getting lost and Checkers had to lead them out of The Bog of Confessions after the worst Truth or Dare game EVER! But I wont give you details . . . on that . . . I'd have to change the rating on this story ^_~
Anyway after that they traveled into the bog of fantasy, and I'll save that tale for the final chapter . . .
To Be Concluded . . .
In our last exciting episode our five adventurers have really strange fantasies, and then Ranmorgan the valiant, Ryoga the brave, Ukygo the cute, Arkane the tomboy, and Nabiatrix the greedy will wage vicious battle against the FF9 dwarves, and free Rubadub, but what's this? Happerlin lied to Ryoga about curing his curse? What's going to happen?