Author's Note: Yeah, this one's a little bit longer than the last. Might have been better received if it had been done a few years ago, but once I go the idea I couldn't stop.
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(Camera shows the beginning of the famous bedroom scene from The Exorcist. Regan is on the shaking bed, writhing, moaning, etc. Father Merrin holds out a crucifix at arm's length, while Father Karras stands shocked behind him)
Father Merrin: (Dramatically) The power of Christ compels you!
(There is no response from Regan. Father Merrin looks determined, raising his voice)
Father Merrin: (More dramatically) The power of Christ compels you!
(There is still no response from Regan. Father Merrin turns to Father Karras)
Father Merrin: We're going to have a problem here.
(Regan sits up. Her head spins 360 degrees, and she begins to sing in a deep bass)
Regan: (Devil Voice) Y'all act like you never seen pure evil before!
Spewin' bile and gore
And yet here you're comin' back for more!
Father Merrin: God is gonna whoop your ass even worse than before
Bedsheets are all torn
Mother whacked with the furniture
Regan: (D.V.) It's the return of the Mangoat!
Father Merrin: No way, you're kidding,
Lord hear me and let my cry come unto thee
Father Karras: Amen.
Regan: (D.V.) Your mother's in here...
Father Karras:(Claps hands over his ears) I'm not listening, you idiot, my mother's dead
Let's get on with it!
Father Merrin: Time to get crackin'
With the Latin
Sanct-a, sanct-a, sanct-a, sanct-sanctus
Regan: (D.V.) You'll never win
You're so dim!
Walking around in your penguin suit
You motherfucking fruit!
Father Merrin: Hey, that ain't cute, now…
Regan: (D.V.)(As she sings the next part, the bed shakes harder than ever and begins to lift off the ground)
Yeah, I might have treated my mother like a sex toy
But it's no worse than what you've done to some altar boys
If you wanna mess with me, you'd better watch your back
Or else you just might wind up dead of a heart attack!
(Father Merrin clutches his chest and falls to the ground. Father Karras looks horrified, but continues the exorcism)
Father Karras: The bed is on the floor!
The bed is on the floor!
You'll never get away with this, you little demon whore!
(As Father Karras chants, the bed lowers to the ground)
Father Karras: I'll make sure you leave the body of that poor little girl!
Creatures such as you must have no place in this world!
Regan: (D.V.) Well if you like precious little girls so much
Then why don't you (censored)
And (censored) (censored) (censored) to her, buttmunch?!
Father Karras: You're warping the children's minds!
Regan: (D.V. ) Give it up, the sow is mine!
Father Karras: What kind of horrible, despicable monster
Would take an innocent little girl and do this to her?
Regan: (Now in the voice of Karras's mother)
Oh come on now, don't you dare try to play dumb with me,
My Dimmy.
But if you're going to ask what this is all about…
I'm sure you know who I am, but why not remove all doubt?
(Chorus)
Regan: (D.V.) I am Satan, yes, I'm the real Satan
All you candy-ass Daemons are just immitatin'
Father Karras: Oh, won't you please leave Regan?
Please get out
Please get out, please get out
Regan: (D.V.) Yes, I am Satan, and, I'm the first fallen
All you lesser non-Satans had better start your bawlin'
Father Karras: …And that's why I've come callin'
Please get out
Please get out, please get out
Regan: (D.V.) I torture souls in hell down under the ground
But right now, I'm up here walking around
You think I'm gonna let you send me back there?
Shit, that place is hot, and all the demon chicks have back hair!
Father Karras: You don't belong in Washington, you belong there
Regan: (D.V.) What? Haven't you ever heard of Robert Yates?
Slicin' people up like he was Norman Bates!
Hell yeah!
My influence is spread around the whole damn earth
In everyone from Martha Stewart to Fred Durst
The devil's back in style, so expect the worst!
Father Karras: Little bitch, I know your tricks, tryin' to make me quit
But I won't, 'cause I don't believe your lies and shit
Regan: (M.V.) My little baby, why you do these things to me?
You left me and it killed me, what a son you've been!
Father Karras: (Covers his ears) Stop!
Regan: (M.V.) Please, little Dimmy, your mother needs you
Be a good son and help me
Father Karras: Stop it! I've come here to destroy you!
You aren't my mother, anyone can see
I'm hip to you, and your lies can't persuade me
So keep it up and it won't get you far
There's no way you can fool me, I know who you are…
Regan: (D.V.) I am Satan, yes, I'm the real Satan
All you candy-ass Daemons are just immitatin'
Father Karras: Oh, won't you please leave Regan?
Please get out
Please get out, please get out
Regan: (D.V.) Yes, I am Satan, I'm the Deadly Seven
You imitatin' Satans can all go to heaven
Father Karras: Hear my prayer, God in heaven
Please get out
Please get out, please get out
Regan: (D.V.) I cause hatred and suffering
Cruelty and everything
You've ever hated in this world, everybody sing!
You'll never stop me; you don't have the balls
You can't compete at all
Your back is against the wall
And you'll slip, and you'll fall, y'all.
You're a twit and won't admit it
But you eat crap and shit it
'Cause you suck, and you blow and you bite
And you rot, and you stink and you smell
And your mom sucks cocks in hell!
Father Karras: I've the power of God on my side
So I have no doubt
That I will come out alive
And since you're such an evil jerk you won't survive
Regan: (D.V.) That's a lie! And you know that I'll get you in the end
This whole exorcism brought us closer, my friend
Your body I will burn and your soul I will rend!
Father Karras: Those are pretty tough words you sing
But next to God, you're nothing
Regan: (D.V.) God is dead and so is Nietzsche
The only one who's left is me!
Father Karras: You keep pushing me, and I have to shout
You bad 'ol Satan you, please get out
Just start packing your bags up and leave, get out
Get outta the kid, outta the house and outta the world
Just let Regan be a normal little girl!
Regan: (D.V.) No! 'Cause I'm Satan, yes, I'm the real Satan
All you candy-ass Daemons are just immitatin'
Father Karras: Oh, won't you please leave Regan?
Please get out
Please get out, please get out
Regan: (D.V.) Yes, I am Satan, I'm the Star of Morning
When you started this thing you were given fair warning
Father Karras: I can't take this much more-ing
Please get out
Please get out, please get out
(Spoken) Damn you! (Starts strangling Regan)
Regan: (Normal voice) Yipe!
(Regan's appearance returns to normal, Father Karras staggers and his eyes turn yellow-green. He turns to the camera and smiles)
Father Karras: (D.V.) I guess there's a little Satan in all of us. (Winks, fade out)