Argh! Anyone else hate homework?! I've had two to four hours everynight. And extracirculars are starting. Needless to say, this chapter was done quickly this morning. It is lame and short. But I promise, what happened in this chapter will have significance in the sequel I'm planning. I promise to write whenever I can, and I'm going to do my best to get a chapter or two out per week. Thanks for sicking with me! You guys rock!
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
The night was awful. I didn't get more than an hour of sleep between nightmares. Needless to say, the next morning I was cranky, tried and a mess.
The day wasn't awful, but it was one of the longest days I'd ever sat through. It was the kind where the teachers drone on, you can't sit still, you feel like your hair's a mess, your clothes stick to your body, and can't wait to go home and sleep. That's what I had planned on doing, at least.
When I got home, Jena, the first girl I had met at the support group was sitting on my front steps, her skin sickly pale and her eyes wide.
"Jena?" I asked. She looked up.
"I'm sorry. I didn't know where else to go."
"That's okay. Come on in. What's going on?"
"I had a physical last week. The doctor wanted me to do a blood test, just to check, right? And I got the results."
I could feel my heart beat skid and stop. "What were they?"
"HIV!" she shouted suddenly. "I have HIV." She sat down and put her head in her hands. "Oh God, Oh, God."
My mind was having trouble processing that. "But. . . but it's been like fie months."
She nodded, then whispered, "The doctor said the virus doesn't show up for six months sometimes."
"But it can't be Dean."
"Why not?"
"He-he wore a condom, didn't he?"
"It must have broken."
She was now more rational than I was. "I. . . no. . . are you sure?"
She nodded gravely. "What am I going to do, Paige?"
I hugged her, the only appropriate motion I could process. "I don't know," I said honestly. "But I promise it'll be okay."
I didn't know if I was trying to reassure her or me.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
I left a note for my mom scrawled on the counter, where she was sure to find it. I had said that it was an emergency, and I would explain everything when I got back, and I had my cell phone, so I'd call her if anything happened. I was scared out of my mind, and one part of me wanted nothing more than for her to come with me and hold my hand. But I knew that this was something that I had to do alone.
When I walked into the rape crisis centre, an overwhelming wave of nausea hit me. There were all sorts of women- different sizes, different races, different races, but all there for the same reason. Some looked like I had when I had finally gotten help. One girl had a bleeding lip, and they took her in right away.
"What can I do for you, Dear?" The woman at the desk asked. She was at least in her mid-forties, looked tired, and stern, but she had warm eyes. Although I had promised myself that I wouldn't, I found myself pouring out the whole story.
"A couple of months ago. . . five, I was raped. And the guy used a condom. And I didn't help until way after I should have, and they couldn't give me any of the medication that they can give women who've been raped. And I thought I was okay, because the doctor tested me for STD's a couple of times, but then one girl who was raped by the same guy, when he used a condom. . . she told me today that she has HIV. And now. . ."
The woman had listened carefully, nodding at the right parts. When I had finished, she handed me a box of Kleenex, and waited until I had calmed down before she spoke.
"Do you want to do an HIV test?"
Although that's what I had come for, the sound of it scared me. I shivered, then nodded.
"Okay. Come with me, and I'll set you up in a room." She picked up a clipboard, then led me into a small cubicle. I sat on the paper-covered table, and she handed me the clipboard.
"Fill this out as best as you can. You don't have to use your real name, but keep in mind that we will have to contact you with the result of the tests."
"I won't get them today?"
She shook her head. "It takes a couple of days."
My heart sank at the idea of waiting for days to find out. "What happens with the test?"
"It's just a blood test. You've probably done it before if you've been examined."
I nodded, and looked down at the paper. I finally managed to find my voice. "What would happen if I do? Have AIDS, I mean?"
"First of all, HIV doesn't means that you have AIDS. You can still live a normal life with medication."
"But it can kill me, right?"
"Why don't we just worry about the blood test first?"
There was my answer.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
"An emergency, huh?" Mikey asked as soon as I opened the door.
"Go away." I closed the door and headed to my room.
"I called mom. She's on her way home."
"Why did you call her?!"
"Because you left a note saying that it was en emergency. She had a right to know."
I felt weak after the blood test and didn't feel like fighting with him. "I'll be in my room if you need me." He yelled something after me, but I didn't listen. I just continued up.
Everything in my room seemed alien to me. Even though they were my belongings, and I was in my room, I felt like I was a stranger, an intruder, looking in on someone else's life. I had tried to remember everything that we had learned in health class about HIV. All I could remember, other than gossiping and passing notes, was how it could kill you. That you could never have kids. Get married, grow up, have a normal life.
My life could be ruined.
I looked around my room again, and realized that my room was a mess. I started picking up my clothes off the floor. How could I let myself live this way. I had to get it clean.
"Paige!" My mom called eventually. I was determined to scrub my room clean. I ignored her. She called again, but I just ignored it again. I heard her coming up to my room, but I was more concerned with getting my bookshelf rearranged.
"Paige?" she asked, squatting down beside me. She didn't say anything else.
"I'm cleaning my room like you asked," I mumbled.
"Paige, stop," she said sharply. "Now can you tell me what's been going on?"
I put my book down and looked at her. "Dean has AIDS."
She took the news worse than I did. "Are you sure?"
I swallowed hard, then nodded. "Jena came by. She said that the doctor told her she has HIV."
"Is that where you were this afternoon?"
I nodded again. "They're going to call me in a couple of days."
Again, no one talked. I finally broke the silence. "I'm scared, mom."
"I know, sweetheart, I know."
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
The night was awful. I didn't get more than an hour of sleep between nightmares. Needless to say, the next morning I was cranky, tried and a mess.
The day wasn't awful, but it was one of the longest days I'd ever sat through. It was the kind where the teachers drone on, you can't sit still, you feel like your hair's a mess, your clothes stick to your body, and can't wait to go home and sleep. That's what I had planned on doing, at least.
When I got home, Jena, the first girl I had met at the support group was sitting on my front steps, her skin sickly pale and her eyes wide.
"Jena?" I asked. She looked up.
"I'm sorry. I didn't know where else to go."
"That's okay. Come on in. What's going on?"
"I had a physical last week. The doctor wanted me to do a blood test, just to check, right? And I got the results."
I could feel my heart beat skid and stop. "What were they?"
"HIV!" she shouted suddenly. "I have HIV." She sat down and put her head in her hands. "Oh God, Oh, God."
My mind was having trouble processing that. "But. . . but it's been like fie months."
She nodded, then whispered, "The doctor said the virus doesn't show up for six months sometimes."
"But it can't be Dean."
"Why not?"
"He-he wore a condom, didn't he?"
"It must have broken."
She was now more rational than I was. "I. . . no. . . are you sure?"
She nodded gravely. "What am I going to do, Paige?"
I hugged her, the only appropriate motion I could process. "I don't know," I said honestly. "But I promise it'll be okay."
I didn't know if I was trying to reassure her or me.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
I left a note for my mom scrawled on the counter, where she was sure to find it. I had said that it was an emergency, and I would explain everything when I got back, and I had my cell phone, so I'd call her if anything happened. I was scared out of my mind, and one part of me wanted nothing more than for her to come with me and hold my hand. But I knew that this was something that I had to do alone.
When I walked into the rape crisis centre, an overwhelming wave of nausea hit me. There were all sorts of women- different sizes, different races, different races, but all there for the same reason. Some looked like I had when I had finally gotten help. One girl had a bleeding lip, and they took her in right away.
"What can I do for you, Dear?" The woman at the desk asked. She was at least in her mid-forties, looked tired, and stern, but she had warm eyes. Although I had promised myself that I wouldn't, I found myself pouring out the whole story.
"A couple of months ago. . . five, I was raped. And the guy used a condom. And I didn't help until way after I should have, and they couldn't give me any of the medication that they can give women who've been raped. And I thought I was okay, because the doctor tested me for STD's a couple of times, but then one girl who was raped by the same guy, when he used a condom. . . she told me today that she has HIV. And now. . ."
The woman had listened carefully, nodding at the right parts. When I had finished, she handed me a box of Kleenex, and waited until I had calmed down before she spoke.
"Do you want to do an HIV test?"
Although that's what I had come for, the sound of it scared me. I shivered, then nodded.
"Okay. Come with me, and I'll set you up in a room." She picked up a clipboard, then led me into a small cubicle. I sat on the paper-covered table, and she handed me the clipboard.
"Fill this out as best as you can. You don't have to use your real name, but keep in mind that we will have to contact you with the result of the tests."
"I won't get them today?"
She shook her head. "It takes a couple of days."
My heart sank at the idea of waiting for days to find out. "What happens with the test?"
"It's just a blood test. You've probably done it before if you've been examined."
I nodded, and looked down at the paper. I finally managed to find my voice. "What would happen if I do? Have AIDS, I mean?"
"First of all, HIV doesn't means that you have AIDS. You can still live a normal life with medication."
"But it can kill me, right?"
"Why don't we just worry about the blood test first?"
There was my answer.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
"An emergency, huh?" Mikey asked as soon as I opened the door.
"Go away." I closed the door and headed to my room.
"I called mom. She's on her way home."
"Why did you call her?!"
"Because you left a note saying that it was en emergency. She had a right to know."
I felt weak after the blood test and didn't feel like fighting with him. "I'll be in my room if you need me." He yelled something after me, but I didn't listen. I just continued up.
Everything in my room seemed alien to me. Even though they were my belongings, and I was in my room, I felt like I was a stranger, an intruder, looking in on someone else's life. I had tried to remember everything that we had learned in health class about HIV. All I could remember, other than gossiping and passing notes, was how it could kill you. That you could never have kids. Get married, grow up, have a normal life.
My life could be ruined.
I looked around my room again, and realized that my room was a mess. I started picking up my clothes off the floor. How could I let myself live this way. I had to get it clean.
"Paige!" My mom called eventually. I was determined to scrub my room clean. I ignored her. She called again, but I just ignored it again. I heard her coming up to my room, but I was more concerned with getting my bookshelf rearranged.
"Paige?" she asked, squatting down beside me. She didn't say anything else.
"I'm cleaning my room like you asked," I mumbled.
"Paige, stop," she said sharply. "Now can you tell me what's been going on?"
I put my book down and looked at her. "Dean has AIDS."
She took the news worse than I did. "Are you sure?"
I swallowed hard, then nodded. "Jena came by. She said that the doctor told her she has HIV."
"Is that where you were this afternoon?"
I nodded again. "They're going to call me in a couple of days."
Again, no one talked. I finally broke the silence. "I'm scared, mom."
"I know, sweetheart, I know."