Part 9: One Step At A Time
How can I keep fighting my attraction to her.how can I deny my heart my very soul.no more then I deny my son.when I told Aeryn I love her beyond hope.I feel now that was an understatement.I love her beyond life itself. now how do I get my heart to trust her not to harm it again.only one step at a time.
The fever had destroyed the poison, and Aeryn was moving about Moya. Chiana told Aeryn how John had been there every moment. They offered to watch over her, but he refused every time. He told D'Argo it was a promise he had made many cycles ago that he would be there so she wouldn't die alone. Tears ran down Aeryn's face as she remembered the promise-now if she could only be certain he'll be there all the time.
The next day she awakened to find John and Jack asleep beside her. The loves of her life.unable to stop herself she reached out a shaking hand to touch first Jack then John, stroking their faces. John's eyes snapped open, but when he saw the clarity of her beautiful eyes a slow smile came across his face. Lost they could only stare into each other's eyes, until Jack had awakened to claim his mother's attention.
Crichton had gone back to his quarters, but his indifference was not present any longer. He spend his free time with Jack. When Aeryn would encounter them, John would greet her casually. Chiana could still see John holding himself back, but not as far as he had.
All four traveled back down to the planet to meet the Escaions. Jack was enthralled with them. Chiana was bored with them. John and Aeryn were introduced to the Chieftain, who in her advanced cycles hardly spoke to offworlders. They were invited to partake an evening meal with her, but Aeryn declined saying she was still recovering from her past illness and needed to go back to their ship to rest. John knew that she had fully recovered.
He agreed to join the Chieftain that evening.
Chieftain's Quarters Even Meal:
The Planetary Leader, Chieftain Tu'na'ra, gave a private dinner in honor of their new guest. Tu'na'ra was Escaion's oldest and wisest living ruler in their history. John found that no matter how long he had been on this side of the universe, he could still feel awe. He was quite astonished by Tu'na'ra's insight. She had seen her planet go from the brink of self- destruction to its present day power. They were forced to grow-up as she laughingly phrased it.
"There is a saying amongst my people-- to grow we must first take a step. Does your species have such a saying, John Crichton?" She asked in a compelling voice.
"Yes. In uncertain times we must take one step at a time."
Turning her head slightly sideways she studied him. "Is that not true in loving someone?"
He paused, looked up at her, but remained quiet. Looking back down she picked up a purple looking carrot stick, "When I was young I would not eat koori, yet I have not tasted it. How could I know that I wouldn't enjoy? My father told me to take my first step towards it. I did. I found that I loved the taste and texture. You have tasted love, but are now afraid of it. Why is that?"
"Lies and abandonment can do that to you." He took a bite of the koori. It tasted like a carrot.
The old Chieftain continued observing him. "The struggle in you is great. I can feel it. Is it not true that speaking of it can set you free?"
Without thought he said out-loud. "The truth can set you free." John sighed. "I don't know what to believe anymore."
"The truth is you haven't known what to believe since she left you over three cycles ago, isn't that true?"
He looked at woman startled.
"Trust shattered is the hardest thing to repair," Tu'na'ra said. "I should know after living so many years. The events in our lives change us the; bad and the good. Aeryn leaving you alone changed who you were." Peering over at him she asked. "Are you the same man as when you first met her?"
"No, I changed to survive." He said in a low voice.
"At risk of stating the obvious, I have found that sad times can bring happier ones. Loss can teach us to appreciate what we have for each moment we have it."
"It should be what we have learned from life, is it selflessness or cynicism. I know you have a strong character - you have been successful by adapting to what life has handed you. It wasn't until after your friends left, that you lost your way. Instead of becoming stronger and wiser, you experience bitterness and self-protectiveness."
John realized with shame, that he had become all the things the Chieftain spoke of. He pushed Aeryn and his son away-his own attitude-had made it so easy.
"I think I'm afraid of loving her," he said out loud. He couldn't believe he was having this conversation with a total stranger.
A warm smile graced Tu'na'ra's face as she fixed her eyes on him. "I will share a secret that a long life had taught me. Even though we use the word love, it encompasses many emotions and expressions-- of passion, exhilaration, wonder, and hope. Love is subjected to many elements, as the cycles go by, but only one element of love stands above all others..." she paused watching the struggle play in John's eyes. "It's forgiveness. We see only the hurt, the wrong they have done to us, and miss out on the reality that they have idiosyncrasies and weaknesses."
"The pain." John started to say but she continued softly, "To truly love is to see the person, to forgive them of their inadequacy when they come back to us seeking redemption. It is the quality of forgiveness that brings love up to a higher level. To love someone with no illusions, as to what we would want them to be, love becomes real and stronger. Many cycles ago you fell in love with a woman who became your dream. Now the question is, can you look beyond that dream, that peacekeeper, and love the woman for who she has become?"
"Easier to say then to do," he gave a bitter laugh.
"She ran.are you not running now? I have rarely found myself able to solve a problem by running away from it, mind you. I have also rarely found an answer by running after it. The harder I chase, the further it gets from my grasp."
"Then what should I do?"
"Why don't you just wait," the Tu'na'ra said. "And let the answer find you?"
How can I keep fighting my attraction to her.how can I deny my heart my very soul.no more then I deny my son.when I told Aeryn I love her beyond hope.I feel now that was an understatement.I love her beyond life itself. now how do I get my heart to trust her not to harm it again.only one step at a time.
The fever had destroyed the poison, and Aeryn was moving about Moya. Chiana told Aeryn how John had been there every moment. They offered to watch over her, but he refused every time. He told D'Argo it was a promise he had made many cycles ago that he would be there so she wouldn't die alone. Tears ran down Aeryn's face as she remembered the promise-now if she could only be certain he'll be there all the time.
The next day she awakened to find John and Jack asleep beside her. The loves of her life.unable to stop herself she reached out a shaking hand to touch first Jack then John, stroking their faces. John's eyes snapped open, but when he saw the clarity of her beautiful eyes a slow smile came across his face. Lost they could only stare into each other's eyes, until Jack had awakened to claim his mother's attention.
Crichton had gone back to his quarters, but his indifference was not present any longer. He spend his free time with Jack. When Aeryn would encounter them, John would greet her casually. Chiana could still see John holding himself back, but not as far as he had.
All four traveled back down to the planet to meet the Escaions. Jack was enthralled with them. Chiana was bored with them. John and Aeryn were introduced to the Chieftain, who in her advanced cycles hardly spoke to offworlders. They were invited to partake an evening meal with her, but Aeryn declined saying she was still recovering from her past illness and needed to go back to their ship to rest. John knew that she had fully recovered.
He agreed to join the Chieftain that evening.
Chieftain's Quarters Even Meal:
The Planetary Leader, Chieftain Tu'na'ra, gave a private dinner in honor of their new guest. Tu'na'ra was Escaion's oldest and wisest living ruler in their history. John found that no matter how long he had been on this side of the universe, he could still feel awe. He was quite astonished by Tu'na'ra's insight. She had seen her planet go from the brink of self- destruction to its present day power. They were forced to grow-up as she laughingly phrased it.
"There is a saying amongst my people-- to grow we must first take a step. Does your species have such a saying, John Crichton?" She asked in a compelling voice.
"Yes. In uncertain times we must take one step at a time."
Turning her head slightly sideways she studied him. "Is that not true in loving someone?"
He paused, looked up at her, but remained quiet. Looking back down she picked up a purple looking carrot stick, "When I was young I would not eat koori, yet I have not tasted it. How could I know that I wouldn't enjoy? My father told me to take my first step towards it. I did. I found that I loved the taste and texture. You have tasted love, but are now afraid of it. Why is that?"
"Lies and abandonment can do that to you." He took a bite of the koori. It tasted like a carrot.
The old Chieftain continued observing him. "The struggle in you is great. I can feel it. Is it not true that speaking of it can set you free?"
Without thought he said out-loud. "The truth can set you free." John sighed. "I don't know what to believe anymore."
"The truth is you haven't known what to believe since she left you over three cycles ago, isn't that true?"
He looked at woman startled.
"Trust shattered is the hardest thing to repair," Tu'na'ra said. "I should know after living so many years. The events in our lives change us the; bad and the good. Aeryn leaving you alone changed who you were." Peering over at him she asked. "Are you the same man as when you first met her?"
"No, I changed to survive." He said in a low voice.
"At risk of stating the obvious, I have found that sad times can bring happier ones. Loss can teach us to appreciate what we have for each moment we have it."
"It should be what we have learned from life, is it selflessness or cynicism. I know you have a strong character - you have been successful by adapting to what life has handed you. It wasn't until after your friends left, that you lost your way. Instead of becoming stronger and wiser, you experience bitterness and self-protectiveness."
John realized with shame, that he had become all the things the Chieftain spoke of. He pushed Aeryn and his son away-his own attitude-had made it so easy.
"I think I'm afraid of loving her," he said out loud. He couldn't believe he was having this conversation with a total stranger.
A warm smile graced Tu'na'ra's face as she fixed her eyes on him. "I will share a secret that a long life had taught me. Even though we use the word love, it encompasses many emotions and expressions-- of passion, exhilaration, wonder, and hope. Love is subjected to many elements, as the cycles go by, but only one element of love stands above all others..." she paused watching the struggle play in John's eyes. "It's forgiveness. We see only the hurt, the wrong they have done to us, and miss out on the reality that they have idiosyncrasies and weaknesses."
"The pain." John started to say but she continued softly, "To truly love is to see the person, to forgive them of their inadequacy when they come back to us seeking redemption. It is the quality of forgiveness that brings love up to a higher level. To love someone with no illusions, as to what we would want them to be, love becomes real and stronger. Many cycles ago you fell in love with a woman who became your dream. Now the question is, can you look beyond that dream, that peacekeeper, and love the woman for who she has become?"
"Easier to say then to do," he gave a bitter laugh.
"She ran.are you not running now? I have rarely found myself able to solve a problem by running away from it, mind you. I have also rarely found an answer by running after it. The harder I chase, the further it gets from my grasp."
"Then what should I do?"
"Why don't you just wait," the Tu'na'ra said. "And let the answer find you?"