Have you ever felt that you were torn in two? Was your better half ripped
forcibly from you, leaving you shaking and empty like a starved, beaten
dog? Did the girl you once loved, were strongly bonded with, leave you in
the cold to die, uncaring of your shattered soul? Do you still see her
every day, going about her mundane business as if nothing had changed?
Does she snicker cruelly every time you pass by?
True, I was hardened to taunts from an early age; a frail body, glasses, and long, red hair don't help with a guy's popularity. I guess I just expected too much from the other village boys. Who would want to be friends with such a geek, anyway? They beat me up, but in retrospect, it was kind of inevitable.
But no matter what the others said or did to me, she was always there. When my supposed "friends" gave me a shiner, she would hug me, holding a pink, rabbit-shaped ice pack up to my eye and stroking my hair. When they teased me, she would team up with her tomboy best friend and send them home to their mommies with fat lips. Every time they put me down, she would bring me back up. My light, my storm haven, my beloved.
My Karen.
She was more than my best friend and bodyguard. Karen was my life. We spent our childhood days together, playing in the forest behind the church, chasing the chickens at my poultry farm, and sending hopeful letters to the Goddess every winter, asking for a sunny spring the next year. Karen even played with my little sister when I wanted some alone time, keeping her busy so she wouldn't follow me around.
One day in spring, we took a walk up to the lower part of the mountain for a picnic by the hot springs. Karen loved this spot; sometimes she would sit there for hours, staring at the nearby waterfall in hopes that the Goddess would appear there and grant her wishes. It never happened, of course, but she never gave up hope.
"Let's put the blanket here, Rick," she said, pointing to a spot with a perfect view of the little waterfall.
I smiled. Where else would we sit? Karen just loved that area. I spread the blanket down on the grass while she unloaded her little basket. After we ate, she rested her head against my shoulder, staring at the falls complacently.
"Rick?" she said, twisting her head to look at me. I met her big green eyes and smiled.
"Yeah?"
"Can we stay like this forever and ever?"
"Yeah."
"You promise?"
"Yeah."
She held out her pinkies and looked me straight in the eye with dire seriousness. "Pinky swear?" she asked.
I hooked her pinkies in mine. "Yeah," I said. I sure was an eloquent child.
Karen's eyes lit up. "Yay!" she said, and gave me a big hug. "Wanna get married?"
"Yeah!" I shouted enthusiastically.
Ok, I know what you're thinking: how clichéd can you get? Childhood love, a happy marriage, six kids and a storybook ending. Perfect life, the end.
I wish.
For some reason, things don't work out the way you think they will when you're a kid. That afternoon with Karen, I seriously thought I would grow up to marry her, and feed our children by becoming an internationally known rock star.
I also thought I would look like Richard Gere as an adult, own three toy stores, and have my own theme park.
Needless to say, things didn't work out quite like I wanted them to. My dad left us in order to find a cure for my mother's illness, and since my little sister had no idea of how to run the place, I ended up helping out around the farm a lot more. Karen's dad fell into debt by letting his customers put every purchase on their tabs, and she was stuck at his grocery store, making sure people didn't take advantage of him.
Karen was my girlfriend for a few years, but once we hit puberty, we started to grow apart. We just couldn't stop it. I guess Karen realized what was happening, too, and we both tried frantically to patch things up.
By the time we were in our late teens, Karen and I had formed a plan. We would meet every morning by her parent's store and talk, no matter what day of the week it was. We'd skip bad weather and festival days, but those were the only exceptions. On those days, I felt as if I were incomplete. Those talks with Karen made me feel whole. It was as if I were getting to know her all over again, courting this wonderful woman of whom I had only scratched the surface. Indeed, she seemed to be a completely different person. Growing up had a big effect on her. Everything was going well.
But Fate just couldn't leave me be.
One day, a new farmer moved into the ranch next door to ours. His name was Jack, and he seemed to be a decent guy. I didn't talk to him very often, but I just figured he was busy. He came to our poultry farm from time to time to buy chickens or feed for them. When he stopped by, he'd always bring some kind of herb or painkiller for my mother, and greet my sister warmly. He wasn't quite as friendly with me, but he wasn't cold and distant, either. I really had nothing against him.
Note the past tense there.
Jack walked up to Karen and I as we went through with our morning ritual in front of her parent's shop.
"Hey, Karen," said Jack.
"Hey," she replied, a half-smile crossing her face.
"Listen," said Jack, holding out a bouquet of bright yellow flowers, "I was walking in the mountains and I came across some of these. Do you like them?"
Karen's eyes lit up with joy. "Moondrop flowers!" she exclaimed in ecstasy. "Oh, Jack, those are my favorites! Thank you so much!"
Jack smirked. "No problem. See you later, Karen." He looked at me, as if noticing me for the first time. "Rick," he said, nodding his head in acknowledgement of my presence. Then he walked away.
I looked over at Karen. She had a dazed look on her face, and was staring blankly off in the direction that Jack had gone. I waved my hand in front of her face. "Karen?"
She shook her head to clear it. "Hmm?" she said.
"Has he given you flowers before this?"
She laughed somewhat nervously. "Yes, but it's not like I'm taking him seriously! Anybody can give a girl flowers, but it takes someone special to win her heart." She placed her hand over mine reassuringly. "Don't worry, Rick," she said. "You're the number one man in my life."
I leaned over and kissed her. She made me feel a lot better, but for some reason, I still felt slightly uneasy and jealous. Guilt crept through me. Karen told me that nothing was going on between them, and I should trust her. I really had to stop being so paranoid.
A week after the little run-in with Jack, I sat at the bar at the local Inn, sipping liquor from my mug. I'd been going to the bar every night since I was about sixteen, and it was built into my daily habit. Wake up, see Karen, work, go to the bar, sleep. Sometimes I'd see Karen at the bar, as we were both alcohol buffs. She made up the term "alcohol buff" to describe us both, since it sounded much better than "alcoholic." Neither of us wanted to go into rehab, so we figured that using that term would be better for us in the long run.
That night, I drank a little too much, which I don't do very often. In fact, my ability to hold my liquor was so good that I rarely got tipsy. But I guess I indulged a little too much that night. I headed over to where I thought the bathroom was, and found myself leaning against the staircase in order to regain my balance. I heard voices above me that sounded like Karen and her best friend, Ann. I knew it was wrong to eavesdrop, but I did it anyway.
"Oh my God, Karen, he asked you out? What did you say?"
Karen's laughter carried across the boisterous bar. "What do you think I said? What kind of fool do you take me for, Ann?"
"But what about Rick?" asked Ann.
"What about him?" replied Karen. "Look at it this way: Jack's hot, Rick's not. If both of them offer, who do you think I'd go out with?"
Ann sounded a bit distressed. "But Karen," she said, "Rick loves you. You know that. What happened between you two?"
Karen laughed again. This time, however, it didn't sound happy. It sounded...cruel.
"I got a life," she said. "Look, I've protected Rick long enough. It's time to show him that life isn't all sunshine and rainbows. Besides, Jack's a *great* lay. Can you even imagine sex with Rick?"
Both girls exclaimed, "Ewww!" I felt stung. Surely I couldn't be as repulsive as that? Then it hit me: Karen was sleeping with Jack! It was like a great blow to my heart. I fervently wished that I was just drunk off my ass, and hearing things that weren't being said.
"I guess I'll tell him tomorrow or something. I don't want him to think he's dating me when I'm not even interested in him."
Karen...I thought she loved me. I loved her. There was no doubt about it: Karen was the one for me. There was simply no other woman in the world like her. I found myself walking back toward my house in a zombie-like state. I got into bed, staring lankly at the ceiling.
Karen. My Karen.
The sun shining through my window startled me. Mechanically, I got up and dressed, and headed toward Karen's shop. It was such a part of my daily life that I couldn't stop myself. For some reason, it was a bright, sunny day. Whatever happened to pathetic fallacy? It seemed eerily calm out, as if there were a storm brewing on the horizon that hadn't quite reached the village yet. Every step I took made me feel as if I were heading into some sort of personal apocalypse, getting closer to my doom. There had to be something different about this day, something that set it apart from the others.
Yet, when I arrived at her shop, Karen was sitting on the benches outside as if nothing out of the ordinary were happening. She smiled up at me.
"Let's go for a walk this morning, okay, Rick?"
We walked out to that area behind the church, the place where we'd played together as children. "How about we go in, for old time's sake?" asked Karen, heading into the forest. I followed silently.
"Listen," she said, "I have to tell you something." The birds in the trees weren't chirping this morning. "I've been seeing Jack. I know we're close, Rick, but Jack and I share something special. There's a unique bond between Jack and I...it's not like anything I've ever had with you. I don't know what it is."
"I do," I said curtly. "Sex."
Karen blushed. "Well, there's that," she said.
I snapped. "Karen!" I shouted. "What the hell is wrong with you? Since when have you become so superficial? You used to love me! I heard you and Ann talking last night, and I have to wonder: when did you start basing your affection for people on their appearance? What happened to us?"
Karen blew a fuse as well. "I grew up!" she shrieked. "I don't need a wimpy mama's boy like you, Rick! I want a real man! Jack, unlike you, has a life! He doesn't plan on staying with his Mommy for the rest of his life, asking her to tuck him in at night and read him a bedtime story! I know I used to protect you from the bullies when we were small, but that was because I felt sorry for you! If I had known it would make you leech on to me for the rest of my life, I would never have helped you out!"
As if to emphasize her point, Karen pushed me down in the dirt, knocking my glasses from my face. She kicked my side, causing me to bend over in pain. I looked up at her with pleading eyes, and saw her towering over me, smirking and laughing cruelly.
"Look at the wimp!" she cried. She kicked me again. "What a loser!" Then Karen walked away, leaving me clutching my side in pain on the forest floor.
I felt myself crying. They say that the kids that get picked on go on to own multi-million dollar corporations and have successful lives. Where are my three billion dollar house and six cars? Where's my happy wife, smiling in contentment by my side? Why did fate leave me out of it?
Why was I so unwanted in life?
Karen and Jack got married the next season. I was the only one in the village not invited. Sometimes I'd see Karen pass by the poultry farm, and I'd make eye contact with her. She'd laugh, a horrible, evil laugh, and keep walking. I no longer saw my old love in her face. All I could see were the bullies that had tormented me in my childhood, laughing as I cried out for mercy.
Karen, what had they done to you?
Does she snicker cruelly every time you pass by?
True, I was hardened to taunts from an early age; a frail body, glasses, and long, red hair don't help with a guy's popularity. I guess I just expected too much from the other village boys. Who would want to be friends with such a geek, anyway? They beat me up, but in retrospect, it was kind of inevitable.
But no matter what the others said or did to me, she was always there. When my supposed "friends" gave me a shiner, she would hug me, holding a pink, rabbit-shaped ice pack up to my eye and stroking my hair. When they teased me, she would team up with her tomboy best friend and send them home to their mommies with fat lips. Every time they put me down, she would bring me back up. My light, my storm haven, my beloved.
My Karen.
She was more than my best friend and bodyguard. Karen was my life. We spent our childhood days together, playing in the forest behind the church, chasing the chickens at my poultry farm, and sending hopeful letters to the Goddess every winter, asking for a sunny spring the next year. Karen even played with my little sister when I wanted some alone time, keeping her busy so she wouldn't follow me around.
One day in spring, we took a walk up to the lower part of the mountain for a picnic by the hot springs. Karen loved this spot; sometimes she would sit there for hours, staring at the nearby waterfall in hopes that the Goddess would appear there and grant her wishes. It never happened, of course, but she never gave up hope.
"Let's put the blanket here, Rick," she said, pointing to a spot with a perfect view of the little waterfall.
I smiled. Where else would we sit? Karen just loved that area. I spread the blanket down on the grass while she unloaded her little basket. After we ate, she rested her head against my shoulder, staring at the falls complacently.
"Rick?" she said, twisting her head to look at me. I met her big green eyes and smiled.
"Yeah?"
"Can we stay like this forever and ever?"
"Yeah."
"You promise?"
"Yeah."
She held out her pinkies and looked me straight in the eye with dire seriousness. "Pinky swear?" she asked.
I hooked her pinkies in mine. "Yeah," I said. I sure was an eloquent child.
Karen's eyes lit up. "Yay!" she said, and gave me a big hug. "Wanna get married?"
"Yeah!" I shouted enthusiastically.
Ok, I know what you're thinking: how clichéd can you get? Childhood love, a happy marriage, six kids and a storybook ending. Perfect life, the end.
I wish.
For some reason, things don't work out the way you think they will when you're a kid. That afternoon with Karen, I seriously thought I would grow up to marry her, and feed our children by becoming an internationally known rock star.
I also thought I would look like Richard Gere as an adult, own three toy stores, and have my own theme park.
Needless to say, things didn't work out quite like I wanted them to. My dad left us in order to find a cure for my mother's illness, and since my little sister had no idea of how to run the place, I ended up helping out around the farm a lot more. Karen's dad fell into debt by letting his customers put every purchase on their tabs, and she was stuck at his grocery store, making sure people didn't take advantage of him.
Karen was my girlfriend for a few years, but once we hit puberty, we started to grow apart. We just couldn't stop it. I guess Karen realized what was happening, too, and we both tried frantically to patch things up.
By the time we were in our late teens, Karen and I had formed a plan. We would meet every morning by her parent's store and talk, no matter what day of the week it was. We'd skip bad weather and festival days, but those were the only exceptions. On those days, I felt as if I were incomplete. Those talks with Karen made me feel whole. It was as if I were getting to know her all over again, courting this wonderful woman of whom I had only scratched the surface. Indeed, she seemed to be a completely different person. Growing up had a big effect on her. Everything was going well.
But Fate just couldn't leave me be.
One day, a new farmer moved into the ranch next door to ours. His name was Jack, and he seemed to be a decent guy. I didn't talk to him very often, but I just figured he was busy. He came to our poultry farm from time to time to buy chickens or feed for them. When he stopped by, he'd always bring some kind of herb or painkiller for my mother, and greet my sister warmly. He wasn't quite as friendly with me, but he wasn't cold and distant, either. I really had nothing against him.
Note the past tense there.
Jack walked up to Karen and I as we went through with our morning ritual in front of her parent's shop.
"Hey, Karen," said Jack.
"Hey," she replied, a half-smile crossing her face.
"Listen," said Jack, holding out a bouquet of bright yellow flowers, "I was walking in the mountains and I came across some of these. Do you like them?"
Karen's eyes lit up with joy. "Moondrop flowers!" she exclaimed in ecstasy. "Oh, Jack, those are my favorites! Thank you so much!"
Jack smirked. "No problem. See you later, Karen." He looked at me, as if noticing me for the first time. "Rick," he said, nodding his head in acknowledgement of my presence. Then he walked away.
I looked over at Karen. She had a dazed look on her face, and was staring blankly off in the direction that Jack had gone. I waved my hand in front of her face. "Karen?"
She shook her head to clear it. "Hmm?" she said.
"Has he given you flowers before this?"
She laughed somewhat nervously. "Yes, but it's not like I'm taking him seriously! Anybody can give a girl flowers, but it takes someone special to win her heart." She placed her hand over mine reassuringly. "Don't worry, Rick," she said. "You're the number one man in my life."
I leaned over and kissed her. She made me feel a lot better, but for some reason, I still felt slightly uneasy and jealous. Guilt crept through me. Karen told me that nothing was going on between them, and I should trust her. I really had to stop being so paranoid.
A week after the little run-in with Jack, I sat at the bar at the local Inn, sipping liquor from my mug. I'd been going to the bar every night since I was about sixteen, and it was built into my daily habit. Wake up, see Karen, work, go to the bar, sleep. Sometimes I'd see Karen at the bar, as we were both alcohol buffs. She made up the term "alcohol buff" to describe us both, since it sounded much better than "alcoholic." Neither of us wanted to go into rehab, so we figured that using that term would be better for us in the long run.
That night, I drank a little too much, which I don't do very often. In fact, my ability to hold my liquor was so good that I rarely got tipsy. But I guess I indulged a little too much that night. I headed over to where I thought the bathroom was, and found myself leaning against the staircase in order to regain my balance. I heard voices above me that sounded like Karen and her best friend, Ann. I knew it was wrong to eavesdrop, but I did it anyway.
"Oh my God, Karen, he asked you out? What did you say?"
Karen's laughter carried across the boisterous bar. "What do you think I said? What kind of fool do you take me for, Ann?"
"But what about Rick?" asked Ann.
"What about him?" replied Karen. "Look at it this way: Jack's hot, Rick's not. If both of them offer, who do you think I'd go out with?"
Ann sounded a bit distressed. "But Karen," she said, "Rick loves you. You know that. What happened between you two?"
Karen laughed again. This time, however, it didn't sound happy. It sounded...cruel.
"I got a life," she said. "Look, I've protected Rick long enough. It's time to show him that life isn't all sunshine and rainbows. Besides, Jack's a *great* lay. Can you even imagine sex with Rick?"
Both girls exclaimed, "Ewww!" I felt stung. Surely I couldn't be as repulsive as that? Then it hit me: Karen was sleeping with Jack! It was like a great blow to my heart. I fervently wished that I was just drunk off my ass, and hearing things that weren't being said.
"I guess I'll tell him tomorrow or something. I don't want him to think he's dating me when I'm not even interested in him."
Karen...I thought she loved me. I loved her. There was no doubt about it: Karen was the one for me. There was simply no other woman in the world like her. I found myself walking back toward my house in a zombie-like state. I got into bed, staring lankly at the ceiling.
Karen. My Karen.
The sun shining through my window startled me. Mechanically, I got up and dressed, and headed toward Karen's shop. It was such a part of my daily life that I couldn't stop myself. For some reason, it was a bright, sunny day. Whatever happened to pathetic fallacy? It seemed eerily calm out, as if there were a storm brewing on the horizon that hadn't quite reached the village yet. Every step I took made me feel as if I were heading into some sort of personal apocalypse, getting closer to my doom. There had to be something different about this day, something that set it apart from the others.
Yet, when I arrived at her shop, Karen was sitting on the benches outside as if nothing out of the ordinary were happening. She smiled up at me.
"Let's go for a walk this morning, okay, Rick?"
We walked out to that area behind the church, the place where we'd played together as children. "How about we go in, for old time's sake?" asked Karen, heading into the forest. I followed silently.
"Listen," she said, "I have to tell you something." The birds in the trees weren't chirping this morning. "I've been seeing Jack. I know we're close, Rick, but Jack and I share something special. There's a unique bond between Jack and I...it's not like anything I've ever had with you. I don't know what it is."
"I do," I said curtly. "Sex."
Karen blushed. "Well, there's that," she said.
I snapped. "Karen!" I shouted. "What the hell is wrong with you? Since when have you become so superficial? You used to love me! I heard you and Ann talking last night, and I have to wonder: when did you start basing your affection for people on their appearance? What happened to us?"
Karen blew a fuse as well. "I grew up!" she shrieked. "I don't need a wimpy mama's boy like you, Rick! I want a real man! Jack, unlike you, has a life! He doesn't plan on staying with his Mommy for the rest of his life, asking her to tuck him in at night and read him a bedtime story! I know I used to protect you from the bullies when we were small, but that was because I felt sorry for you! If I had known it would make you leech on to me for the rest of my life, I would never have helped you out!"
As if to emphasize her point, Karen pushed me down in the dirt, knocking my glasses from my face. She kicked my side, causing me to bend over in pain. I looked up at her with pleading eyes, and saw her towering over me, smirking and laughing cruelly.
"Look at the wimp!" she cried. She kicked me again. "What a loser!" Then Karen walked away, leaving me clutching my side in pain on the forest floor.
I felt myself crying. They say that the kids that get picked on go on to own multi-million dollar corporations and have successful lives. Where are my three billion dollar house and six cars? Where's my happy wife, smiling in contentment by my side? Why did fate leave me out of it?
Why was I so unwanted in life?
Karen and Jack got married the next season. I was the only one in the village not invited. Sometimes I'd see Karen pass by the poultry farm, and I'd make eye contact with her. She'd laugh, a horrible, evil laugh, and keep walking. I no longer saw my old love in her face. All I could see were the bullies that had tormented me in my childhood, laughing as I cried out for mercy.
Karen, what had they done to you?