Thank you so much for all the reviews. . . It's the greatest high when I get one!
Chapter may be a little weird. I don't know if you'll like it, but it came to me during some writers block, so I went with it.
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At dinner, I picked at my food, but didn't eat much. Mikey eyed me suspiciously, but didn't say anything. My mom chatted nervously. Mostly, we all pretended that everything was okay, even though we all knew it wasn't.
I climbed into bed after dinner. After the night I'd had the night before, I was exhausted. I crawled under the covers, and waited for something to happen. I waited to feel scared or to start crying. To hit something or to scream. I waited to feel something.
But I didn't.
At that point I was cried out, screamed out, and just sick of being so emotional. I was done. I had felt to the point where I couldn't feel anything. It made me feel uneasy.
I figured that being able not to feel would make it easier to sleep, but it made me restless. I was physically and mentally exhausted, but I couldn't sleep. I finally drifted off, but there was nothing restful about my sleep.
I was with Spinner, I wasn't sure where, but we were outside. I heard someone calling my name. I got up to look for that person, and everything fell out from around me. The scenery, the table we had been sitting at and Spinner were all gone, and I was stuck in a maze. I started running, trying to find my way out. Walls were surrounding me. I turned around and saw Dean coming after me. I started running faster, and suddenly, I found myself in a wedding dress, standing at an altar. I looked up at Spinner.
"Are we getting married?" I asked. It was a stupid question. Of course I was marrying him. He shook his head.
"I can't marry you, Paige," he told me. "You know that."
"Then who am I marrying?"
Spinner morphed in front of my eyes. "Me," Dean said, his eyes flashing darkly. I screamed in the dream and ran off.
I was back in the maze, and kept running. I turned another corner and I was sitting in a rocking chair holding a perfect baby boy in my arms. I was wearing a hospital bracelet and hospital gown, but none of that mattered. I concentrated on the bundle in front of me.
"Hi sweetheart," I cooed, touching his tiny toes. "What's your name?" I looked down at the hospital bracelet on his hand. "Dean? Why would I call you Dean?" I held him close to my body. "I promise he'll never hurt you," I whispered, kissing his tiny little head with wisps of tiny blonde hair. Dean came up in front of me and swiftly pulled the baby Dean out of my arms.
"Hey, don't touch him!" I shouted. The baby shrieked. "That's my baby!"
He threw the baby on the floor, and I could hear the skull crack.
"You killed my baby!" I screamed, hysterically.
"I didn't kill him, Spirit, you did. You knew you could never have a baby, but you had one anyways. You killed him!"
I ran away from him again, and found myself back in the maze. This time, a door which read "Your Life". I looked behind me, and saw Dean gaining on me. I shoved the door with all my might, and stepped into my life. I fell into a deep, dark hole.
I bolted upright and tried to inhale. My breaths came a short jagged gasps, and my shirt clung to my body. I tried to scream, but my voice was caught in my throat. My entire body shook. I curled my legs into my chest and sat there for a long time, my breathing steadying, and cried. I wasn't sure what I was crying for, but I cried silently.
Slowly, the dream came back to me. Spinner and I together, then getting married, then dying. And a baby. I had never even wanted kids, on the two or so occasions that I had thought about that. But, it had occurred to me that if I was sick- if I had HIV, I couldn't have kids. And for some reason, that hurt even more than the thought of having HIV.
I rubbed my eyes and looked at the clock. Two o'clock. I lied back down, but knew I couldn't sleep any more. I switched on my CD player, softly put on my favourite CD, and stared at my ceiling.
What would happen if I did have HIV? How was I supposed to live? Would I live? Would people look at me differently? Would I still go to school? I could never really grow up- what kind of job would take a dying person? I couldn't fall in love. I could never be a mom.
What if I had slept with Spinner? I could have gotten him sick. Could you get HIV from kissing? What if I had given Spinner HIV?
My thoughts drifted to another possibility. What if I didn't? That thought should have comforted me, but instead, it made me feel horribly guilty.
So many times I had asked myself 'Why me?'. But now it came down to asking me why not me? I had done bad, even awful things, been horrible to people, and then Jena, who'd probably never done anything to anyone, was the one who got sick? Where was the justice in that?
And when would all this be over?
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"Are you feeling okay?" Spinner asked me the next morning. It was before class, and we sat in at the bottom of an abandoned staircase. I was too tired to stand.
"I'm tired," I admitted.
"Nightmares?" I had told him about the nightmares I'd had.
I nodded, and leaned against the wall.. "I'm really not going to be good company now."
"That's okay," he said, putting his hand on the part of my back that my shirt didn't cover. His touch felt good, warm, welcome.
"Do you ever think about having kids?" I asked, the words tumbling out before I could stop them.
He took his hand off my back and brushed some hair out of my face. I wanted to cry. He was being so good to me. I didn't deserve him. "I guess I will someday. It's a long time away."
I swallowed hard, then managed to ask, "What about sex?"
I caught him off guard with that. "I. . . uh. . . you mean think about it?"
I hesitated, not even sure I wanted to press him about it. "Yeah."
"I. . . yeah. I'm a guy, Paige, that's what we do." He looked at me, then brought his forehead to touch mine. "But nothing needs to happen until you're ready." He kissed me gently. The lump in my throat had grown to the size of a volleyball. I tried to swallow again, but couldn't. I put my hand to his cheek.
"Spin," I whispered. "There's something. . . it's bad. Oh God, Spin, it's really bad."
Chapter may be a little weird. I don't know if you'll like it, but it came to me during some writers block, so I went with it.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
At dinner, I picked at my food, but didn't eat much. Mikey eyed me suspiciously, but didn't say anything. My mom chatted nervously. Mostly, we all pretended that everything was okay, even though we all knew it wasn't.
I climbed into bed after dinner. After the night I'd had the night before, I was exhausted. I crawled under the covers, and waited for something to happen. I waited to feel scared or to start crying. To hit something or to scream. I waited to feel something.
But I didn't.
At that point I was cried out, screamed out, and just sick of being so emotional. I was done. I had felt to the point where I couldn't feel anything. It made me feel uneasy.
I figured that being able not to feel would make it easier to sleep, but it made me restless. I was physically and mentally exhausted, but I couldn't sleep. I finally drifted off, but there was nothing restful about my sleep.
I was with Spinner, I wasn't sure where, but we were outside. I heard someone calling my name. I got up to look for that person, and everything fell out from around me. The scenery, the table we had been sitting at and Spinner were all gone, and I was stuck in a maze. I started running, trying to find my way out. Walls were surrounding me. I turned around and saw Dean coming after me. I started running faster, and suddenly, I found myself in a wedding dress, standing at an altar. I looked up at Spinner.
"Are we getting married?" I asked. It was a stupid question. Of course I was marrying him. He shook his head.
"I can't marry you, Paige," he told me. "You know that."
"Then who am I marrying?"
Spinner morphed in front of my eyes. "Me," Dean said, his eyes flashing darkly. I screamed in the dream and ran off.
I was back in the maze, and kept running. I turned another corner and I was sitting in a rocking chair holding a perfect baby boy in my arms. I was wearing a hospital bracelet and hospital gown, but none of that mattered. I concentrated on the bundle in front of me.
"Hi sweetheart," I cooed, touching his tiny toes. "What's your name?" I looked down at the hospital bracelet on his hand. "Dean? Why would I call you Dean?" I held him close to my body. "I promise he'll never hurt you," I whispered, kissing his tiny little head with wisps of tiny blonde hair. Dean came up in front of me and swiftly pulled the baby Dean out of my arms.
"Hey, don't touch him!" I shouted. The baby shrieked. "That's my baby!"
He threw the baby on the floor, and I could hear the skull crack.
"You killed my baby!" I screamed, hysterically.
"I didn't kill him, Spirit, you did. You knew you could never have a baby, but you had one anyways. You killed him!"
I ran away from him again, and found myself back in the maze. This time, a door which read "Your Life". I looked behind me, and saw Dean gaining on me. I shoved the door with all my might, and stepped into my life. I fell into a deep, dark hole.
I bolted upright and tried to inhale. My breaths came a short jagged gasps, and my shirt clung to my body. I tried to scream, but my voice was caught in my throat. My entire body shook. I curled my legs into my chest and sat there for a long time, my breathing steadying, and cried. I wasn't sure what I was crying for, but I cried silently.
Slowly, the dream came back to me. Spinner and I together, then getting married, then dying. And a baby. I had never even wanted kids, on the two or so occasions that I had thought about that. But, it had occurred to me that if I was sick- if I had HIV, I couldn't have kids. And for some reason, that hurt even more than the thought of having HIV.
I rubbed my eyes and looked at the clock. Two o'clock. I lied back down, but knew I couldn't sleep any more. I switched on my CD player, softly put on my favourite CD, and stared at my ceiling.
What would happen if I did have HIV? How was I supposed to live? Would I live? Would people look at me differently? Would I still go to school? I could never really grow up- what kind of job would take a dying person? I couldn't fall in love. I could never be a mom.
What if I had slept with Spinner? I could have gotten him sick. Could you get HIV from kissing? What if I had given Spinner HIV?
My thoughts drifted to another possibility. What if I didn't? That thought should have comforted me, but instead, it made me feel horribly guilty.
So many times I had asked myself 'Why me?'. But now it came down to asking me why not me? I had done bad, even awful things, been horrible to people, and then Jena, who'd probably never done anything to anyone, was the one who got sick? Where was the justice in that?
And when would all this be over?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
"Are you feeling okay?" Spinner asked me the next morning. It was before class, and we sat in at the bottom of an abandoned staircase. I was too tired to stand.
"I'm tired," I admitted.
"Nightmares?" I had told him about the nightmares I'd had.
I nodded, and leaned against the wall.. "I'm really not going to be good company now."
"That's okay," he said, putting his hand on the part of my back that my shirt didn't cover. His touch felt good, warm, welcome.
"Do you ever think about having kids?" I asked, the words tumbling out before I could stop them.
He took his hand off my back and brushed some hair out of my face. I wanted to cry. He was being so good to me. I didn't deserve him. "I guess I will someday. It's a long time away."
I swallowed hard, then managed to ask, "What about sex?"
I caught him off guard with that. "I. . . uh. . . you mean think about it?"
I hesitated, not even sure I wanted to press him about it. "Yeah."
"I. . . yeah. I'm a guy, Paige, that's what we do." He looked at me, then brought his forehead to touch mine. "But nothing needs to happen until you're ready." He kissed me gently. The lump in my throat had grown to the size of a volleyball. I tried to swallow again, but couldn't. I put my hand to his cheek.
"Spin," I whispered. "There's something. . . it's bad. Oh God, Spin, it's really bad."