Wow, you guys are amazing! I was having an awful day in Computer class when I logged on and saw all the reviews. It really made my day. Thank you so much!
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My heart pounded in my throat, and I gripped the phone.
"Hello?" the woman asked.
"Uh. . . yeah."
"Tomorrow at twelve?"
I swallowed hard, but my mouth was dry. "Un-huh." She hung up, but I kept the phone in my hand.
"Paige?" Spin asked.
I let go of the phone and hung it up. "They have my tests."
I couldn't read his expression. "And?" he finally asked.
I shrugged. "They want me to come in tomorrow." I rubbed my eyes. After a week of almost no sleep, I was dead tired, but was still wide awake. A loud bang from the television reminded me that it was still on.
"Are you okay with this?"
I shrugged again. "I don't get to choose what's going to happen." I felt like I should have been angry, but all I could do was cry. I blinked and looked away, but could still see me.
"Can you pass me a can of coke?" I asked, trying to break his gaze from me.
He got me a can and I took a long sip. "I want it to be over," I said flatly.
"Hmm?"
This time a hint of emotion broke through. "I want it to be over. I just want to be free." I looked him in the eye. "I know I've said this before, so many times, but I keep hoping something, anything, will change. But now I'm sick and I don't get to forget-,"
"Wait, you said you didn't get the results."
"I didn't, but how hard is it to say that they were negative over the phone?" I started pacing. "I'm dying, Spin, I could be dying. I've barely slept in a week, and I just need to escape this. I can't live like this. I don't want to remember his face and I don't want to see him again. I don't want to dream about him and what he did. It's been almost five months and I can't sleep without checking under my bed. I'm not supposed to be like this! When is this going to end?"
He stood in front of me and gently put his hand on my cheek. "Escape," he said simply.
His solution seemed so simple. "How?"
His body was so close to mine that I could feel his breath on my cheek. "What do you want? Right now, what do you want?"
I closed my eyes, then opened them again. "I just want to sleep. I want to sleep without the nightmares and without feeling the monsters under my bed. I want to fall asleep without crying and without being scared, and wake up without having a nightmare wake me up."
"Then that's what we'll do."
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
On TV and in the movies, it always looks simple. Then again, I guess most normal people have sex before spending the night together.
"Is this okay?" he asked, pulling off his sweatshirt. Underneath, he had a tank top.
"Yeah," I said, pulling my hair out of its ponytail. It was lucky I was so tired, otherwise I would have been more self conscious about my own pyjamas.
After two quick phone calls- one to Marco, asking him to cover for him, and one to his mom, saying that he and Marco had planned a Monty-Python marathon, Spin had gotten permission to stay over.
My mind was mush, and everything seemed to blend together. I lied down, and Spin followed.
"Do you want me to leave the light on?"
"No, it's okay."
He nodded, turned off the light, and within second I felt his body beside mine. My bed was a double, and we had enough room, but he brought his body close to mine, and wrapped his arms around me, nuzzling his nose into my neck.
Slowly, the walls separating my anger and the frustration and exhaustion broke down, and they all blended together. All I could feel was fear. My body shook and inevitable tears flowed freely from my eyes. I tried not to make any noise, but he heard and held me closer.
"Thank you," I whispered. In his arms, knowing that he would be here to protect me while I slept, and be there when I woke up, I was finally able to sleep.
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"Paige? Hello?"
My eyes shot open. Spinner's arm was draped over me. I looked over at the clock. 10:30. We had slept for almost twelve hours. And Dylan was home.
"Paige?" His voice was right outside the door. Before I had a chance to yell 'don't come in', be opened my door.
"Oh my God," he said, quickly turning around. Spinner chose that moment to wake up.
"What's going on?" he asked.
"Dylan just came home."
His eyes got really wide and he looked at the clock. "I should get going." He stumbled out of bed, found his shirt and pulled it over his head. "Do I run the risk of injury if Dylan sees me?"
I sat up and shook my head. "Thanks for staying," I said softly.
He sat down beside me and kissed me deeply. "Anytime." I watched him leave, then lied back down. I had finally had a chance to sleep, and felt grateful for that, but the fear up the impending blood test results caused a knot in the pit of my stomach. Finally, I got out of bed.
"I'm sorry," Dylan said from the couch. I plopped down beside him.
"It wasn't what it looked like."
He raised his eyebrows. "Really?"
I knew he wasn't scolding me, seeing as he had just stayed the night at his boyfriends house. "Spinner just stayed the night. I didn't want to stay alone."
Dylan's face fell. "Oh, Paige, I never even thought of that."
"It's okay. It wasn't your fault. And it ended up as a good thing. It was the first night in a week that I've been able to sleep."
He nodded. "How about some breakfast?"
I shook my head. "My stomach's kind of upset."
He looked me over. "You're not pregnant, are you?"
"Dylan!" Had I really been that much of a slut before that my own brother thought that I was sleeping around?
"Just a question."
"No, I'm not."
"Fine. Good." He picked up the TV remote, but put it back down. "Why is mom so mad at you?"
"I skipped school."
"Why?"
I hesitated, then decided to tell him the truth. "I went to see Dean on Thursday."
"Why?"
"I don't know. It was a stupid thing to do, but. . ."
"Did you talk to him?"
"I. . . got my point across."
"What?"
"I slapped him."
Dylan broke down laughing. Not just ha-ha laughing, but his eyes watered and he held his sides. It was him laughing at Dean. And it was beautiful.
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When I got to the doctor's, I was twenty minutes early, but they brought me into a cubicle right away. Then they made me wait for forty minutes.
First I tried to just sit still. That worked for the first thirty seconds. Then I tried humming. Two minutes. I picked up a magazine in the corner and leafed through it. Ten minutes. I combined humming with reading. Two and a half minutes.
Fifteen minutes into it and I was ready to loose my mind.
I hummed and read some more. I paced and fidgeted. I tried to go through my favourite TV show, my favourite movie, my favourite song lyrics, my favourite book. I tried to imagine what the doctor looked like. Finally, the door opened.
"Hello, I'm doctor Johnston. I have the results of your. . ." he flipped open the clipboard that he was carrying. His eyes widened, then he looked back up at me. "Your HIV test. The results are negative, however, we recommend that you return in six months for another test, and a final one six months after that just to be sure that the virus isn't currently dormant. You can schedule it with my receptionist on your way out." Without missing a beat, he got up and left.
I sat there for a long time trying to process what he had said. Negative. Negative. I'd never been so happy for a negative before.
At the same time, I was afraid that maybe the doctor was right and the virus was "Dormant". Was that what he had said? I could still have the disease? No, I wouldn't go there. I wouldn't spend the next year freaking out about it. At least, this time I was going to make an honest effort. This time I was in control.
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My heart pounded in my throat, and I gripped the phone.
"Hello?" the woman asked.
"Uh. . . yeah."
"Tomorrow at twelve?"
I swallowed hard, but my mouth was dry. "Un-huh." She hung up, but I kept the phone in my hand.
"Paige?" Spin asked.
I let go of the phone and hung it up. "They have my tests."
I couldn't read his expression. "And?" he finally asked.
I shrugged. "They want me to come in tomorrow." I rubbed my eyes. After a week of almost no sleep, I was dead tired, but was still wide awake. A loud bang from the television reminded me that it was still on.
"Are you okay with this?"
I shrugged again. "I don't get to choose what's going to happen." I felt like I should have been angry, but all I could do was cry. I blinked and looked away, but could still see me.
"Can you pass me a can of coke?" I asked, trying to break his gaze from me.
He got me a can and I took a long sip. "I want it to be over," I said flatly.
"Hmm?"
This time a hint of emotion broke through. "I want it to be over. I just want to be free." I looked him in the eye. "I know I've said this before, so many times, but I keep hoping something, anything, will change. But now I'm sick and I don't get to forget-,"
"Wait, you said you didn't get the results."
"I didn't, but how hard is it to say that they were negative over the phone?" I started pacing. "I'm dying, Spin, I could be dying. I've barely slept in a week, and I just need to escape this. I can't live like this. I don't want to remember his face and I don't want to see him again. I don't want to dream about him and what he did. It's been almost five months and I can't sleep without checking under my bed. I'm not supposed to be like this! When is this going to end?"
He stood in front of me and gently put his hand on my cheek. "Escape," he said simply.
His solution seemed so simple. "How?"
His body was so close to mine that I could feel his breath on my cheek. "What do you want? Right now, what do you want?"
I closed my eyes, then opened them again. "I just want to sleep. I want to sleep without the nightmares and without feeling the monsters under my bed. I want to fall asleep without crying and without being scared, and wake up without having a nightmare wake me up."
"Then that's what we'll do."
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
On TV and in the movies, it always looks simple. Then again, I guess most normal people have sex before spending the night together.
"Is this okay?" he asked, pulling off his sweatshirt. Underneath, he had a tank top.
"Yeah," I said, pulling my hair out of its ponytail. It was lucky I was so tired, otherwise I would have been more self conscious about my own pyjamas.
After two quick phone calls- one to Marco, asking him to cover for him, and one to his mom, saying that he and Marco had planned a Monty-Python marathon, Spin had gotten permission to stay over.
My mind was mush, and everything seemed to blend together. I lied down, and Spin followed.
"Do you want me to leave the light on?"
"No, it's okay."
He nodded, turned off the light, and within second I felt his body beside mine. My bed was a double, and we had enough room, but he brought his body close to mine, and wrapped his arms around me, nuzzling his nose into my neck.
Slowly, the walls separating my anger and the frustration and exhaustion broke down, and they all blended together. All I could feel was fear. My body shook and inevitable tears flowed freely from my eyes. I tried not to make any noise, but he heard and held me closer.
"Thank you," I whispered. In his arms, knowing that he would be here to protect me while I slept, and be there when I woke up, I was finally able to sleep.
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"Paige? Hello?"
My eyes shot open. Spinner's arm was draped over me. I looked over at the clock. 10:30. We had slept for almost twelve hours. And Dylan was home.
"Paige?" His voice was right outside the door. Before I had a chance to yell 'don't come in', be opened my door.
"Oh my God," he said, quickly turning around. Spinner chose that moment to wake up.
"What's going on?" he asked.
"Dylan just came home."
His eyes got really wide and he looked at the clock. "I should get going." He stumbled out of bed, found his shirt and pulled it over his head. "Do I run the risk of injury if Dylan sees me?"
I sat up and shook my head. "Thanks for staying," I said softly.
He sat down beside me and kissed me deeply. "Anytime." I watched him leave, then lied back down. I had finally had a chance to sleep, and felt grateful for that, but the fear up the impending blood test results caused a knot in the pit of my stomach. Finally, I got out of bed.
"I'm sorry," Dylan said from the couch. I plopped down beside him.
"It wasn't what it looked like."
He raised his eyebrows. "Really?"
I knew he wasn't scolding me, seeing as he had just stayed the night at his boyfriends house. "Spinner just stayed the night. I didn't want to stay alone."
Dylan's face fell. "Oh, Paige, I never even thought of that."
"It's okay. It wasn't your fault. And it ended up as a good thing. It was the first night in a week that I've been able to sleep."
He nodded. "How about some breakfast?"
I shook my head. "My stomach's kind of upset."
He looked me over. "You're not pregnant, are you?"
"Dylan!" Had I really been that much of a slut before that my own brother thought that I was sleeping around?
"Just a question."
"No, I'm not."
"Fine. Good." He picked up the TV remote, but put it back down. "Why is mom so mad at you?"
"I skipped school."
"Why?"
I hesitated, then decided to tell him the truth. "I went to see Dean on Thursday."
"Why?"
"I don't know. It was a stupid thing to do, but. . ."
"Did you talk to him?"
"I. . . got my point across."
"What?"
"I slapped him."
Dylan broke down laughing. Not just ha-ha laughing, but his eyes watered and he held his sides. It was him laughing at Dean. And it was beautiful.
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When I got to the doctor's, I was twenty minutes early, but they brought me into a cubicle right away. Then they made me wait for forty minutes.
First I tried to just sit still. That worked for the first thirty seconds. Then I tried humming. Two minutes. I picked up a magazine in the corner and leafed through it. Ten minutes. I combined humming with reading. Two and a half minutes.
Fifteen minutes into it and I was ready to loose my mind.
I hummed and read some more. I paced and fidgeted. I tried to go through my favourite TV show, my favourite movie, my favourite song lyrics, my favourite book. I tried to imagine what the doctor looked like. Finally, the door opened.
"Hello, I'm doctor Johnston. I have the results of your. . ." he flipped open the clipboard that he was carrying. His eyes widened, then he looked back up at me. "Your HIV test. The results are negative, however, we recommend that you return in six months for another test, and a final one six months after that just to be sure that the virus isn't currently dormant. You can schedule it with my receptionist on your way out." Without missing a beat, he got up and left.
I sat there for a long time trying to process what he had said. Negative. Negative. I'd never been so happy for a negative before.
At the same time, I was afraid that maybe the doctor was right and the virus was "Dormant". Was that what he had said? I could still have the disease? No, I wouldn't go there. I wouldn't spend the next year freaking out about it. At least, this time I was going to make an honest effort. This time I was in control.