I never meant to lie ~~ A Kirney Slane Monologue

By: Kristin Ohman

Disclaimer: The wonderful GL and Aaron Allston own these wonderful people. I'm just playing in their playground. J

A/N: Kudos goes out to Xaara, who beta'd this for me.

I never meant to lie.

Wait. That is not right. My whole life has been a lie. From an early age I was taught how to lie, when to lie, how to live a lie. My parents would take me with them undercover. I had a different name almost every year starting at the age of seven. I have lived on over a dozen planets in my lifetime. I have lived as a rich, spoiled young lady and as a street rat. I am able to communicate in seven different languages. My parent's superiors were so impressed with their pet prodigy that they started to me out on my own at age sixteen.

But that is not living. I know that now. Never being able to trust, never staying in one place for long, never know if I'll get out alive. That is not living, that is simply being. But that was all I knew.

Things are different now.

I'm not sure when things changed. When I conned Face and Ton into getting me into Antilles' new squad, I had every intention of betraying them. My doctrine said that unless you were with the Empire, you were the enemy. I had sent out communiqués to Zsinj to find an employer in order to do this.

I do know that it was when I got to the Wraiths that things started to change. Ton, Kell, and Face made sure that I was welcomed and included. Dia, Tyria, and Shalla each gave me their friendships over time. Piggy was always willing to talk. And Myn… Myn gave me the ability to break down and love again.

I had meant to turn myself in after my trip to Aldivy. On Aldivy, when Zsinj's operative gave me the choice of killing Myn and leaving with him and the real Lara's brother or killing Myn and going back to the hideout with a lie. I choose Myn's life and going back with him. I chose to follow my heart instead of my head.

But even then, my head was started to turn the same way as my heart. I no longer cared that I was working for the "enemy". I was my own enemy.

The time between that trip and when I left the Wraiths was the happiest I had ever been. Between actually having friends and having someone who loved me, I forgot that the past has a way of catching up with a person.

And sithspawn, if my past didn't catch up with a bang.

Face, I know that you didn't mean to keep the comm open. I have never blamed you for what happened that day. It would have happened eventually.

Kell, I'm sorry for deceiving you. But I want to let you know that you are one reason why I am what I am now. Thank you for trusting me.

Myn. I'm sorry for Talon Squadron. I'm sorry for all the hurt and pain I have put you through. I never meant to become your friend and I never understood what you saw in me.

To everyone. I'm sorry for all the lies I have told. I was hiding from everyone, including myself. But I never betrayed any of you. I never told anyone anything about the Wraiths.

My past is full of lies. I am content with that, even though I am not happy about it. One thing has kept me going through all of this.

I never meant to lie.