Disclaimer: I don't own Jeopardy or The Legacy of Kain.

LoK- Jeopardy!

AN: That's right, I stooped this low. Flame me.

Somewhere in the Sarafan Stronghold, a meeting of the Circle.

Mortanius: It's come to our attention that... well to put it as nicely as possible, we're flat broke and Nupraptor's been missing for three months.

Kain: Good riddance.

Mortanius: Don't like Nuppy, eh?

Kain: Love 'em. If this place closes down I won't have to see any of your ugly asses again!

Bane: You realise you're still on our Christmas lists, don't you?

Kain: ... presents, or honesty? I love you all!

Malek: Frigging Vampire. You're about as bad as Vorador.

Azimuth: May I mention that he never streaked in the Stronghold?

Malek: ... almost as bad.

DeJoule: And what are we to do of our financial crisis?

Moebius: Two words. Sell out.

Mortanius: I love it.

Kain: I hate it.

Malek: I love it.

Kain: I hate it.

DeJoule: I love it.

Kain: I love Ozzy!

Bane: I love it.

Kain: Hey, who touched my @$$?!

Anarcrothe: I love it.

Azimuth: I love it.

Kain: Fine! Don't forget that I'M in charge!

Malek: Kcirp.
Kain: What?

Mortanius: Don't mind him when he backward talks.

Azimuth: Fine, we'll sell out. Now that our schedule has been royally screwed, let's send in today's first complaint.

Alex Trebek: I'm through! I quit! Sean Connery won't quit with the gay jokes and calling my mother a whore! Deal with it! (puts a gun in his mouth and-

*BAM*

-yeah)

Kain: Damn! Good blood gone bad.

Malek: Mucs eripmav etareneged.

Moebius: (giggles) I couldn't agree more.

Bane: I have a plan! We host his old show, our way!

Kain: I get to be on TV?!

Anarcrothe: Great, that's all we need- to let the whole of Nosgoth know that THIS imbecile runs us!

Kain: This imbecile will run you *through* if you don't shut it.

DeJoule: But who will host it?

Mortanius: Some low pay, cheap humour author who doesn't know how out of league he is.

My place

Sephiroth0201: (shudders) I think someone's stepping on my grave.

Meeting of the Circle, Bane is reading off a list of possible authors.

Bane: Concept of a Demon-

Mortanius: Isn't stupid enough to fall for it.

Bane: - Syvia-

Mortanius: Too talented.

Bane: -Sephiroth0201-

Mortanius: Hey, aren't I a main character in one of his stories?

Moebius: Aye, and he had me cut off a heretic's balls in one!

Bane: I nailed DeJoule once!

Anarcrothe: I actually had an appearance.

Malek: He seems to like me. He's a total moron as well.

Azimuth: Sounds good so far, but what does out ever so invincible leader think of it?

Kain: I noted the sarcasm. Yeah, you'll tell me he hates no-balls stick boy too.

Mortanius: Actually...

/Later that day\

Sephiroth0201: No way?! Me, on TV?

Kain: That's what I said! However my ass ain't as bad to peer upon as yours.

Sephiroth0201: Don't make me get the photo album from Chibi Kain out!

Malek: CHIBI Kain? Now that caught my attention.

Kain: Fine, you'll do. Dos.

Sephiroth0201: Ssa.

Both: Heheheh...

Mortanius: Now comes the fee. Due to lack of outside funding, we can only afford $5 per show.

Sephiroth0201: Five bucks? No prob, here you go. (Tosses down a $5 bill)

Mortanius: You really are an idiot, aren't you?

Sephiroth0201: Why, is that a 10?

Moebius: I prophecies a beautiful friendship.

Sephiroth0201: So when am I going to be on TV?

Azimuth: The show's on in fifteen. Holy-! We already sold the place out!

Kain: It must have been my naturel charm.

Moebius: Or my luscious hair.

Malek: But you're bald. Oh, I get it! You think Kain's ass ugly!

Kain: Boy, a whooping is about to be thrown your way!

Camera man: Hurry up, the shows about to start!

A dark room

A large screen flickers on in the background. Words scroll up.

-Trebek is dead... the Circle is in peril... we swift talked a dumbass writer to host... and the Legacy of Kain continues!



*Applause*

The room lights up.

Sephiroth0201: Hello and welcome to LoK Jeopardy, the show where three contestants of monumental arrogance and pride (stupidity aside) square off to show who's the smartest of these three races. Vampire, human and other. The contestant representing other refused to be called empty helmet heads. And now, meet out contestants! For vampires, Kain!

*Cheers and applause*

Kain: (flexes his muscles) I weigh 220 and it's all dead flesh, wanna?

Sephiroth0201: For humans, the mighty Necromancer Mortanius.

*Applause*

Mortanius: I'm gonna win because I'm Kain's daddy man, and unlike him my hair's still black. (Check legacyofkain. Com to see his Defiance form)

Sephiroth0201: Finally, I present to you the Paladin Malek, famed killer of vampires who detests this show so badly we welded him to his podium.

*someone throws a can at him*

Malek: Ow! When I get free I'm gonna find where you live and piss on your lawn!

Sephiroth0201: And now for our categories. 1. The director of Soul Reaver 2. The original title for Blood Omen 3. Something I sit on 4. Adil Doshot, who may I remind you is the most famous author in Nosgoth 5. Reason's we didn't need to frisk Malek on the way in 6. Reason's we did frisk Kain on the way in, and 7. The Lion King of Willendorf.

Kain, seeing as you're the title character, pick a category.

Kain: Alright, how about... A dildo shot for $400?

Sephiroth: Wha- It' ADIL DOSHOT not a dildo shot!

Malek: Bet it has something to do with 3. Something you sit on, eh?

Sephiroth0201: (frowns) Let's just go with The Lion King of Willendorf for $600. The answer is, he's the only King in the Legacy of Kain that ain't the Nemesis.

Silence.

Sephiroth0201: Kain, you fought alongside him!

Mortanius buzzes in.

Sephiroth0201: Mortanius.

Mortanius: Simba!

Sephiroth0201: Jesus- what are you, a Necromancer or an idiot?!

Kain buzzes in.

Sephiroth0201: Kain.

Kain: Who is Simba?
Sephiroth0201: It's not Simba!

Malek buzzes in.

Sephiroth0201: I know where this is going...

Malek: What is Simba?

Sephiroth0201: I knew it. It's OTTMAR! OTTMAR the Lion King! Alright, the new category is The Leader of the Dumahim Vampire clan. Malek, just pick a category.

Malek: I'll take the new one.

Sephiroth0201: Alright, for $400 the answer is as follows. His name starts with Duma.

The silence continues unabated.

Sephiroth: For god's sake Kain, he's your third son!
Kain buzzes in.

Sephiroth0201: Shoot.

Kain: Who is Tony Jay?

Sephiroth0201: No!

Malek buzzes in.

Sephiroth0201: Just say it.

Malek: Say what?

Sephiroth0201: You buzzed in!

Malek: No I didn't!

Kain: He's telling the truth.

Sephiroth0201: No he isn't, he's a damn liar!

Mortanius buzzes in.

Mortanius: Who is Mortanius?!

Sephiroth0201: Who are you!?

Mortanius buzzes in.

Mortanius: Mortanius!!

Sephiroth0201: ENOUGH! Alright, the score's at negative $1000 for Kain, Mortanius and Malek. I hope this isn't coming out of my salary. Alright, we'll be back after a commercial break with double Jeopardy.

-indeterminable amount of time later-

Sephiroth0201: Alright, we're back. Having seen the contestants phenomenal knowledge prior, we picked categories that they couldn't possibly screw up on. They are as follows.

-Months that start with Octobe

-What's Kain's name

-Are Umah's breasts real

-What's in Malek's head

-Pick the apple

-Scratch your head

-Who is this a photo of

Alright, Mortanius pick a category.

Mortanius: I'll choose pick the apple for $800.

Sephiroth0201: Alright. (Places an apple, and orange and two banana's on the table) Pick the apple!

Mortanius: No prob! (Picks up the orange)

Sephiroth0201: I never thought it possible. WRONG!

Malek buzzes in.

Sephiroth0201: Just pick the damn apple.

Malek: Is it this one? (Picks up a banana)

Sephiroth0201: NO!!

Kain runs up and grabs the banana.

Kain: Who is this one?

Sephiroth0201: NONONONO!!

Kain: Damn!

Sephiroth: It's a goddamn apple! How hard is it to pick!? Kain, take it away!

Kain: The apple?

Sephiroth0201: Pick a category!

Kain: Alright, Who is this a photo of for 200?

Sephiroth0201: I'm about to show you a picture of Malek. (Flashes a photo) Who was that?

Kain: Me?
Sephiroth0201: No...
Mortanius buzzes in.

Mortanius: Who is I?

Sephiroth0201: Learn to speak!

Malek buzzes in.

Malek: Who are you?

Sephiroth0201: No! For god's sake it's you!

Malek: My turn?

Sephiroth0201: The photo! Erg, just tell me if Umah's Breasts are real for $400...

Kain buzzes in.

Sephiroth0201: This should be good.

Kain: My son doesn't have implants!

Sephiroth0201: It's UMAH not DUMAH!

And more silence.

Sephiroth0201: Great. Kain is in third with -2400, and the other two are tied for first with-2000. Let's just go to final Jeopardy. And the Category is... ah hell, just draw a picture of yourself.

*The room get's dark and the usual theme plays. Time's up*

Sephiroth0201: Alright, times up! Let's see how badly you screwed up. Kain?

Kain: Heheheh...

Sephiroth0201: You drew four half circles, two small ones inside two large ones. And you bet, the other half of the circles, making very badly drawn breasts. Great.

Kain: Their Umah's. Did you know she has implants?

Sephiroth0201: Why didn't you answer that earlier!?

Kain: Because I hate you, Mike!

Sephiroth0201: Great. Wonderful. Sweet! And let's see what Mortanius drew. He drew a photo of the energizer bunny. And it's still going... how the hell did you screw this up?

Mortanius: You mean I don't look like that?!

Sephiroth0201: What the hell ever. Now Malek. And he drew.. !! A well detailed picture of his upper body whilst a human!

Malek: The good old days.

Sephiroth0201: And he wagered... the bottom half of the photo, which involves his and my mother bent over. If you don't mind, I'm going to scour my eyes out. The first guy who reviews can take over for all I care!
Malek: That was a good day in particular. Heheh.

Thank you, read again!

Next time- Vorador, Raziel and William the Just.