Disclaimer: Reference the last disclaimer.
AN: I am going to do two things in this chapter, A) Kill that son of a bitch Tabris, and B) hire sylvanon the wolf gurl. Read or do not read, that is the death threat.
Author: (snaps into existence behind you) Hey Concept, and the rest of you...
LOK Jeopardy
Chapter 2: The Killing Begins... Then Ends
A meeting of the Circle, as always. Nupraptor is still on Nosgoth's most wanted, Mortanius is bragging about having darker hair than Kain, Malek managed to remove the podium from his breast plate (albeit badly) Bane and DeJoule are making out, Moebius is playing with a Time Streaming device, Anarcrothe melted off the other half of his face and was rushed to the hospital and finally, Azimuth is a disappeared hooker. Oh, some annoying guy is attempting to barge in as well.
Kain: Anyone else notice that god awful smell?
Mortanius: I'm sorry, I can't smell anything past my own hair. I use only the best shampoo and conditioners on it. How else does it look so young?
Kain: You realize how badly that annoys me?
Malek buzzes in.
Malek: Somehow I think he does.
Bane and DeJoule continue.
Moebius: Allow me to check when he last shampooed his hair.
Several runes blink in and out of existence on it.
Moebius: Negative three seconds? *glances at Mortanius, who is about to wash his hair again* Ah.
Kain: Hey, ward. Would you quit doing that?
Guess who buzzes in.
Malek: I only managed to get rid of the podium. The buzzer is still welded to my forearm.
The loud banging at the door continues.
Kain: Dear almighty me, what the hell is that?
Mortanius: *has both hands in his hair* The smell or the door being beat upon?
Malek: Allow me.
He proceeds to make his way to the door and kicks it open, sending we all know who into the wall behind him/ahead of Malek.
Tabris: Ow! Like the actual Malek would kick a door open!
Moebius: After annoying him this long, he would have appeared behind you and cut you open from your ass to the base of your skull.
Mortanius: *now blow drying his hair* Too true.
Kain: Damn, he is the smell.
Tabris: What do you expect, I've been at those doors since last Thursday!
Malek buzzes in incessantly.
Tabris: Hey, that's out of character!
Malek: Blow the ashen remains of a certain part of me.
Kain: Burn. On another subject, you realize we only meet on Wednesdays?
Tabris: Oh.
Mortanius: And that the facilities are just down the halls. This is a building you realize.
Tabris: *getting embarrasses* Yeah, I, I knew that...
Kain: It looks as though we're getting a look at your character.
Tabris: Look, I just want you guys to act like you did in the games!
Malek: You want me to attack every vampire in sight, claim it be a religious matter and want to feed that which is within the place between Vorador crotch and gizzard to his brides?
Mortanius: Ah yes, I would drone on about how ironic it is that Kain and I are sustained in our deaths and become possessed by a Hylden.
Tabris: It's not that hard!
Kain: Then allow us to show you ourselves whilst in character.
Mortanius whistles, and a group of brigands sneak up on and murder Tabris. He then rips open his chest and inserts the Heart of Darkness to revive him as a vampire.
Tabris: Help me God!
Kain: I am God, the Dark God of Nosgoth.
He proceeds to cast him into the abyss. Tabris becomes the lifeless husk Raz is, minus the wings, and rests on the bed of the abyss. He rises.
Tabris: I've become a Soul Reaver!! Haha, now let's see them pick on me! I'm beyond all of them!
Elder God: Is that so..?
Tabris: Aw, damn.
Several tentacles begin to tear him apart, as they will for all eternity... smart monkey indeed.
*
*
*
[Later that day]
Kain is strolling down a street in Meridian, a crumpled piece of paper in his hands. Red Raven Pub, 7PM. He glanced around the general area. Sarafan, thug, Sarafan, hooker, Nupraptor, Sarafan, girl wearing all blue with gold eyes, claws, silver hair and blue wings extending from her back, Sarafan, someone auctioning off a pair of testicles he found in the abyss, hooker, Sarafan.
Sylvanon: Hey Kain.
Kain: You the girl who's applying for a job?
Sylvanon: That's me. I was in the previous author's will...
Kain: You got his PS2?
Sylvanon: I got his job.
Kain: Close enough. Alright, back to the set, we're live in twenty minutes.
Sylvanon: What am I doing again?
Kain: Hahahah, goodo one. *starts to bat form*
Sylvanon: No really, it wasn't specified in the will!!
Too late of course.
*
In the studio, which it much better looking that previously due to the insane popularity of Nosgoth's greatest figures looking like idiots.
Mortanius: *glances at Sylvanon* You must be the knew host.
Sylvanon: Now way! I'm hosting Jeopardy. Freaky eyes.
Mortanius: You think this is odd? Look at Turel.
Off in the distance, Turel and Raziel are squaring off.
Raziel: I did not fall into the abyss, I was cast in by my own brethren.
Turel: *hunched down on all fours and has milky white(and useless) eyes* It remembers that, does it? I heard what of what you did to our brothers, and now you've come for me?
Mortanius: Quit rehearsing for Defiance!!
Turel: Ah, my ears! Do you mind? I'll see to it that you get cast in my pit next!
Mortanius: NOT LIKELY.
Turel: *collapses in pain*
Raziel: Ack, my ears!
Kain: Yeah, yeah. Alright, let's see... Host.
Sylvanon: Present.
Kain: Idiot number one.
...
...
...
Kain: Raziel.
Raziel: ...
Mortanius: ...
Malek: ... *hits the buzzer*
Kain: *throws a desk at Malek* Dammit Raz, just say 'present'!
Raziel: Preset.
Sylvanon giggles.
Kain: Good enough. William the Just.
The silence continues unabated.
Kain: Where the hell is Willy?
Moebius: Vorador hasn't shown up either.
Kain: Dammit Azimuth, this was your job! *points the Reaver at her empty seat, enraged* Damn! I forgot... ward, do my bidding!
Malek: You're biddings end outside the washroom this time.
Mortanius: You can order this guy around!?
Malek: Great...
Kain: Get Vorador and Willy!!
Malek: I'm on it. Epiwssa.
Kain: And no more backwards talk!
Malek: Mange la merde.
Kain: Why is it that you find it necessary to speak in French?
Moebius: Well his development name was Guillaume.
Malek: I could sleep easier knowing that was a secret.
Turel, behind sound proof glass points and laughs mutely at Malek.
Malek: ... I hate this job. *teleports away*
Kain: Alright, everyone else! Get in your places.
***
The show is being played live as always. The room lights up and everyone is in their places, oddly enough. Sylvanon starts her off.
Sylvanon: Hello and welcome to LoK Jeopardy, the show where the points are a low as the contestant's respective IQ's. Let's meet the contestants. First up, on behalf of Vampires is Vorador, fabled pimp daddy of Termogent Forest.
Vorador: Call your dogs... my brides packed me bologna sandwiches!
Syvlanon: ... Right. For humans we have the egomaniacal Nemesis who once held siege to all of Nosgoth, then never did because Kain killed him before it all started.
William: Pray tell Sylvanon, what game are playing?
Sylvanon: LoK Jeopardy. It's written on a twenty foot billboard right behind you. And last off, we have the Raziel filling in 'others'.
Raziel: Vae Victus, low to the conquered.
Sylvanon: Stop me if I'm wrong, bu–
Raziel: You're wrong.
Sylvanon: You didn't hear what I had to say.
Raziel: And I said: "No more yogurt Elder God!", but he didn't listen...
Sylvanon: I'm starting to see why the last guy put a gun in his mouth. Alright, let's take a look at the categories.
Things Raziel lost in the abyss__Things Raziel would look like if he wore white pants__Old gods__Guys with spears__Guys who wish they had spears__How many hearts of Darkness are there__Characters who never made it past the first game
Vorador, why don't you start?
William: Because he's a damn Vampire!
Vorador: Racist! You damn racist!
Sylvanon: Alright, William is going first.
Vorador: All of you are racists!
They all look at Raziel.
Raziel: I hate the Franch.
Malek's voice off screen: Prick!
William: *sighs angrily*
Vorador: You seem stressed. I know the perfect way to relieve it. A night of fun with one of my brides for only–
Sylvanon: Deal with this after the show.
Vorador: fifty–
Sylvanon: Enough!!
Others buzzes in.
Raziel: You know, I haven't had a night of fun since Kain had me executed.
William: It's physically imposible.
Sylvanon: Raziel, pick a category.
Raziel: All right, I choose... Why it's physically impossible for $600.
Sylvanon: Choose one of the categories I listed.
Raziel: I can't.
Sylvanon: Why not?
Raziel: I'm completely illiterate.
Sylvanon: You read the names off of the murals depicting you and your brethren in both Soul Reaver games.
Raziel: ... Old gods for $600.
Sylvanon: But you just... Er, the answer is: He is the Oldest God in the Legacy of Kain.
Humans buzzes in.
William: Saint Anger.
Sylvanon: No.
Vampires buzzes in.
Vorador: North Kaio.
Sylvanon: No. The answer was 'The Elder God'.
Raziel: Who the hell is he?
Sylvanon: He's the creature torturing the poor sap who flamed.
Raziel: Ah, Shitty the Squiddy.
Vorador: Shitty? I thought he became a big religious figure back in August?
Sylvanon: He was the religious icon of the Pillars since before Vorador.
Vorador: You mean that make belief God Janos fed souls to that 'lived' in a large pool? I thought he was on LSD at the time.
Sylvanon: Enough with the spoilers already. Raziel, you're still in the lead so choose again.
Raziel: Alright, let's see... Old gods for $200.
Sylvanon: This Vampire was worshipped as the Blood God beneath Avernus.
To prevent any spoilers, I'll refer to him with his classic name.
William: Superman.
Sylvanon: What? No!
Vorador: The unspoken.
Sylvanon: No. The rig– Wait! He got it right!
Vorador: I know my pricks.
Raziel: That you do.
William: Burn.
Sylvanon: Alright, you got one right so choose.
Vorador: Things Raziel would look like if he wore white pants. For $400.
Sylvanon: And the answer is: Raziel would look like this is he wore white pants. Vague.
William: Steve Urkle.
Sylvanon: No.
William: Damn! That's -1000 dollars!
Sylvanon: 1200 by my count.
William: Crap!
Raziel: Steve Austin!
Sylvanon: It's not a Steve. It's a smurf you damn ball less smurf!
Raziel: What's a smurf?
Sylvanon: Two things. You, and the correct answer.
Raziel: What's my score at?
Sylvanon: Negative 200.
Raziel: Darn.
Sylvanon: Let's just get going with Final Jeopardy. Let's see... What was the last game you appeared in.
The lights dim and the Jeopardy theme plays. They all start to scribble except Vorador.
Sylvanon: Alright, let's see what they have. Vorador, you didn't write a thing.
Vorador: I had to write it? Aw crap!!
Sylvanon: Yes you did. Next is William the Just. He wrote 'The Pillars of Nosgoth."
William the Just: That was the development name for Blood Omen.
Sylvanon: We only accept the final names.
William: What? I wagered all of it!! Damn!
Sylvanon: And finally, we have Raz. He wrote: Defiance. That's correct! How much did you wager?
Raziel: We had to wager!? DAMN!!
Sylvanon: How out of character was that?
They all glare at her.
Sylvanon: Right. I'll see all of you next week.
END OF CHAPTER
Review. Now. Thank you, come again!
AN: I am going to do two things in this chapter, A) Kill that son of a bitch Tabris, and B) hire sylvanon the wolf gurl. Read or do not read, that is the death threat.
Author: (snaps into existence behind you) Hey Concept, and the rest of you...
LOK Jeopardy
Chapter 2: The Killing Begins... Then Ends
A meeting of the Circle, as always. Nupraptor is still on Nosgoth's most wanted, Mortanius is bragging about having darker hair than Kain, Malek managed to remove the podium from his breast plate (albeit badly) Bane and DeJoule are making out, Moebius is playing with a Time Streaming device, Anarcrothe melted off the other half of his face and was rushed to the hospital and finally, Azimuth is a disappeared hooker. Oh, some annoying guy is attempting to barge in as well.
Kain: Anyone else notice that god awful smell?
Mortanius: I'm sorry, I can't smell anything past my own hair. I use only the best shampoo and conditioners on it. How else does it look so young?
Kain: You realize how badly that annoys me?
Malek buzzes in.
Malek: Somehow I think he does.
Bane and DeJoule continue.
Moebius: Allow me to check when he last shampooed his hair.
Several runes blink in and out of existence on it.
Moebius: Negative three seconds? *glances at Mortanius, who is about to wash his hair again* Ah.
Kain: Hey, ward. Would you quit doing that?
Guess who buzzes in.
Malek: I only managed to get rid of the podium. The buzzer is still welded to my forearm.
The loud banging at the door continues.
Kain: Dear almighty me, what the hell is that?
Mortanius: *has both hands in his hair* The smell or the door being beat upon?
Malek: Allow me.
He proceeds to make his way to the door and kicks it open, sending we all know who into the wall behind him/ahead of Malek.
Tabris: Ow! Like the actual Malek would kick a door open!
Moebius: After annoying him this long, he would have appeared behind you and cut you open from your ass to the base of your skull.
Mortanius: *now blow drying his hair* Too true.
Kain: Damn, he is the smell.
Tabris: What do you expect, I've been at those doors since last Thursday!
Malek buzzes in incessantly.
Tabris: Hey, that's out of character!
Malek: Blow the ashen remains of a certain part of me.
Kain: Burn. On another subject, you realize we only meet on Wednesdays?
Tabris: Oh.
Mortanius: And that the facilities are just down the halls. This is a building you realize.
Tabris: *getting embarrasses* Yeah, I, I knew that...
Kain: It looks as though we're getting a look at your character.
Tabris: Look, I just want you guys to act like you did in the games!
Malek: You want me to attack every vampire in sight, claim it be a religious matter and want to feed that which is within the place between Vorador crotch and gizzard to his brides?
Mortanius: Ah yes, I would drone on about how ironic it is that Kain and I are sustained in our deaths and become possessed by a Hylden.
Tabris: It's not that hard!
Kain: Then allow us to show you ourselves whilst in character.
Mortanius whistles, and a group of brigands sneak up on and murder Tabris. He then rips open his chest and inserts the Heart of Darkness to revive him as a vampire.
Tabris: Help me God!
Kain: I am God, the Dark God of Nosgoth.
He proceeds to cast him into the abyss. Tabris becomes the lifeless husk Raz is, minus the wings, and rests on the bed of the abyss. He rises.
Tabris: I've become a Soul Reaver!! Haha, now let's see them pick on me! I'm beyond all of them!
Elder God: Is that so..?
Tabris: Aw, damn.
Several tentacles begin to tear him apart, as they will for all eternity... smart monkey indeed.
*
*
*
[Later that day]
Kain is strolling down a street in Meridian, a crumpled piece of paper in his hands. Red Raven Pub, 7PM. He glanced around the general area. Sarafan, thug, Sarafan, hooker, Nupraptor, Sarafan, girl wearing all blue with gold eyes, claws, silver hair and blue wings extending from her back, Sarafan, someone auctioning off a pair of testicles he found in the abyss, hooker, Sarafan.
Sylvanon: Hey Kain.
Kain: You the girl who's applying for a job?
Sylvanon: That's me. I was in the previous author's will...
Kain: You got his PS2?
Sylvanon: I got his job.
Kain: Close enough. Alright, back to the set, we're live in twenty minutes.
Sylvanon: What am I doing again?
Kain: Hahahah, goodo one. *starts to bat form*
Sylvanon: No really, it wasn't specified in the will!!
Too late of course.
*
In the studio, which it much better looking that previously due to the insane popularity of Nosgoth's greatest figures looking like idiots.
Mortanius: *glances at Sylvanon* You must be the knew host.
Sylvanon: Now way! I'm hosting Jeopardy. Freaky eyes.
Mortanius: You think this is odd? Look at Turel.
Off in the distance, Turel and Raziel are squaring off.
Raziel: I did not fall into the abyss, I was cast in by my own brethren.
Turel: *hunched down on all fours and has milky white(and useless) eyes* It remembers that, does it? I heard what of what you did to our brothers, and now you've come for me?
Mortanius: Quit rehearsing for Defiance!!
Turel: Ah, my ears! Do you mind? I'll see to it that you get cast in my pit next!
Mortanius: NOT LIKELY.
Turel: *collapses in pain*
Raziel: Ack, my ears!
Kain: Yeah, yeah. Alright, let's see... Host.
Sylvanon: Present.
Kain: Idiot number one.
...
...
...
Kain: Raziel.
Raziel: ...
Mortanius: ...
Malek: ... *hits the buzzer*
Kain: *throws a desk at Malek* Dammit Raz, just say 'present'!
Raziel: Preset.
Sylvanon giggles.
Kain: Good enough. William the Just.
The silence continues unabated.
Kain: Where the hell is Willy?
Moebius: Vorador hasn't shown up either.
Kain: Dammit Azimuth, this was your job! *points the Reaver at her empty seat, enraged* Damn! I forgot... ward, do my bidding!
Malek: You're biddings end outside the washroom this time.
Mortanius: You can order this guy around!?
Malek: Great...
Kain: Get Vorador and Willy!!
Malek: I'm on it. Epiwssa.
Kain: And no more backwards talk!
Malek: Mange la merde.
Kain: Why is it that you find it necessary to speak in French?
Moebius: Well his development name was Guillaume.
Malek: I could sleep easier knowing that was a secret.
Turel, behind sound proof glass points and laughs mutely at Malek.
Malek: ... I hate this job. *teleports away*
Kain: Alright, everyone else! Get in your places.
***
The show is being played live as always. The room lights up and everyone is in their places, oddly enough. Sylvanon starts her off.
Sylvanon: Hello and welcome to LoK Jeopardy, the show where the points are a low as the contestant's respective IQ's. Let's meet the contestants. First up, on behalf of Vampires is Vorador, fabled pimp daddy of Termogent Forest.
Vorador: Call your dogs... my brides packed me bologna sandwiches!
Syvlanon: ... Right. For humans we have the egomaniacal Nemesis who once held siege to all of Nosgoth, then never did because Kain killed him before it all started.
William: Pray tell Sylvanon, what game are playing?
Sylvanon: LoK Jeopardy. It's written on a twenty foot billboard right behind you. And last off, we have the Raziel filling in 'others'.
Raziel: Vae Victus, low to the conquered.
Sylvanon: Stop me if I'm wrong, bu–
Raziel: You're wrong.
Sylvanon: You didn't hear what I had to say.
Raziel: And I said: "No more yogurt Elder God!", but he didn't listen...
Sylvanon: I'm starting to see why the last guy put a gun in his mouth. Alright, let's take a look at the categories.
Things Raziel lost in the abyss__Things Raziel would look like if he wore white pants__Old gods__Guys with spears__Guys who wish they had spears__How many hearts of Darkness are there__Characters who never made it past the first game
Vorador, why don't you start?
William: Because he's a damn Vampire!
Vorador: Racist! You damn racist!
Sylvanon: Alright, William is going first.
Vorador: All of you are racists!
They all look at Raziel.
Raziel: I hate the Franch.
Malek's voice off screen: Prick!
William: *sighs angrily*
Vorador: You seem stressed. I know the perfect way to relieve it. A night of fun with one of my brides for only–
Sylvanon: Deal with this after the show.
Vorador: fifty–
Sylvanon: Enough!!
Others buzzes in.
Raziel: You know, I haven't had a night of fun since Kain had me executed.
William: It's physically imposible.
Sylvanon: Raziel, pick a category.
Raziel: All right, I choose... Why it's physically impossible for $600.
Sylvanon: Choose one of the categories I listed.
Raziel: I can't.
Sylvanon: Why not?
Raziel: I'm completely illiterate.
Sylvanon: You read the names off of the murals depicting you and your brethren in both Soul Reaver games.
Raziel: ... Old gods for $600.
Sylvanon: But you just... Er, the answer is: He is the Oldest God in the Legacy of Kain.
Humans buzzes in.
William: Saint Anger.
Sylvanon: No.
Vampires buzzes in.
Vorador: North Kaio.
Sylvanon: No. The answer was 'The Elder God'.
Raziel: Who the hell is he?
Sylvanon: He's the creature torturing the poor sap who flamed.
Raziel: Ah, Shitty the Squiddy.
Vorador: Shitty? I thought he became a big religious figure back in August?
Sylvanon: He was the religious icon of the Pillars since before Vorador.
Vorador: You mean that make belief God Janos fed souls to that 'lived' in a large pool? I thought he was on LSD at the time.
Sylvanon: Enough with the spoilers already. Raziel, you're still in the lead so choose again.
Raziel: Alright, let's see... Old gods for $200.
Sylvanon: This Vampire was worshipped as the Blood God beneath Avernus.
To prevent any spoilers, I'll refer to him with his classic name.
William: Superman.
Sylvanon: What? No!
Vorador: The unspoken.
Sylvanon: No. The rig– Wait! He got it right!
Vorador: I know my pricks.
Raziel: That you do.
William: Burn.
Sylvanon: Alright, you got one right so choose.
Vorador: Things Raziel would look like if he wore white pants. For $400.
Sylvanon: And the answer is: Raziel would look like this is he wore white pants. Vague.
William: Steve Urkle.
Sylvanon: No.
William: Damn! That's -1000 dollars!
Sylvanon: 1200 by my count.
William: Crap!
Raziel: Steve Austin!
Sylvanon: It's not a Steve. It's a smurf you damn ball less smurf!
Raziel: What's a smurf?
Sylvanon: Two things. You, and the correct answer.
Raziel: What's my score at?
Sylvanon: Negative 200.
Raziel: Darn.
Sylvanon: Let's just get going with Final Jeopardy. Let's see... What was the last game you appeared in.
The lights dim and the Jeopardy theme plays. They all start to scribble except Vorador.
Sylvanon: Alright, let's see what they have. Vorador, you didn't write a thing.
Vorador: I had to write it? Aw crap!!
Sylvanon: Yes you did. Next is William the Just. He wrote 'The Pillars of Nosgoth."
William the Just: That was the development name for Blood Omen.
Sylvanon: We only accept the final names.
William: What? I wagered all of it!! Damn!
Sylvanon: And finally, we have Raz. He wrote: Defiance. That's correct! How much did you wager?
Raziel: We had to wager!? DAMN!!
Sylvanon: How out of character was that?
They all glare at her.
Sylvanon: Right. I'll see all of you next week.
END OF CHAPTER
Review. Now. Thank you, come again!