1 Colossus: A fanfic by Sheik
Disclaimer: I do not own Zelda. Nor do I own the "Survivor" television series, or anything else related to it, or mentioned in this fic. You will understand later. Also, I did not steal your idea. If you want to use it, please ask me. And review this story. I am open to suggestions as well.
¤ Whew! ¤ What a disclaimer! It's my weirdest one yet! Anyway, this fic is kind of a spoof of the "Survivor" television series. Well, as I always say, enjoy this story, and review!
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(As the show opens, we see a large maze of adobe buildings all linked together. A troop of all-female guards clad in deep crimson walk to and fro all over the grounds. At the very top of the huge complex stands a lone woman with bright red hair, her white clothes contrasting sharply with her dark, tanned skin. Gold jewelry gleams on her arm and neck in the brilliant sunset. The camera zooms in on her, then rotates for a beautiful profile shot against a stunning sunset.)
Female Voice: We have been here for years. We survive in the desert where no one else can. But all things must change, like the setting of the sun and the rising of the moon. For the first time in Gerudo history, outsiders will pass the haunted wastelands and into the Desert Colossus to participate in a contest of wit, endurance, and skills. But this is no adventure. It is a competition. A game. And only the last to leave can truly call themselves:
Survivor.
(Eerie music starts, kind of like a remix of the Gerudo Valley song and the Gerudo's Hideout song with some ocarina playing mixed in. We see a shot of the Desert Colossus, with two different camps: one on each side, but equidistant from the Desert Oasis; now dancing in clear, crystalline water. The song ends, and we see the woman in white, only this time she is standing on the steps of the Spirit Temple. The camera zooms in on her and she addresses the camera. )
Woman: Greetings. You are witnessing history in the making. For the first time since who knows when, outsiders are entering this sacred desert, but this time they are on a different mission. These people have been selected from the many people who wished to embark on this journey, but only one can truly be called the Colossus Survivor. I, Nabooru, shall both your guide and theirs while these mighty citizens of Hyrule and beyond must learn to improvise, adapt, and survive in the desert. And as this show was not pre- recorded, both the contestants and you, the viewer, will decide who stays and who goes. We will address that later on. But now, it is time for you to meet our honored guests:
(Cheesy game show music starts up, and out of nowhere Nabooru has produced a turquoise sequin blazer and put it on. She is no longer standing on the steps of the Spirit Temple, but on a horribly tacky game show set, with pink and yellow neon lights flashing everywhere. Behind her is a giant TV monitor, on which we see the exact same image as is showing up on camera. )
Nabooru: Ladies and gentlemen, our first guest is an odd choice indeed. She comes from a faraway paradise, where sun, swimming, and being swallowed by bloated deities are daily occurrences- put your hands-er, fins-together for Princeeeeeeeeeessssssss Rutoooooo!!!!!!!
(Ruto walks onstage wearing what looks like a cropped-off tube top and matching mini-skirt, both made out of the material that Zora Tunics are made out of. She waves to the audience, which isn't really there, and takes her spot on the stage.)
Ruto: Hello, everyone! Hi, Dad! If you see this, it means that you finally learned how to work the TV! Congratulations!!!
Nabooru: Well, erm, yes, that's great. Well, our second contestant comes from a place where he was always an outsider, and now is ready to throttle the very thing he wanted most:
Say "Wassup" to the very Hero of Time himself, Link!
(Link walks onstage wearing a muscle shirt made of the Goron Tunic Fabric, black board shorts with orange and red flames flaring up from the bottoms of the legs, black basketball shoes, white socks, and a read bandanna tied pirate-style replacing his usual green cap. His hair, as usual, is falling in his face. Link flexes his muscles, and a few teenage girls whom appeared out of nowhere immediately swoon. Link walks up next to Ruto, still winking and flexing.)
Link: Yeah! I'm all fired up! Let's get this show started!
(The girls who swooned have all gotten up and gathered around behind Link, who hands each a gold rupee. The girls immediately run off towards the new Hyrule SuperMall.)
Nabooru: -_-' Well, anyways, let's move on. Our next contestant comes from a very influential family in the very center of Hylian fame and fortune, give a red-hot welcome to Zelda, Princess of Hyrule!!!
(Zelda runs onto the stage very exuberantly in very short olive green cargo shorts and a camo bikini top. Her hair is tied up in a ponytail underneath a camo bandanna tied like a kerchief. She is wearing white tennis shoes and has obviously been working out.)
Zelda: Hey, there! (Winks and gives a peace-sign, anime-style.) Wassup, everyone? How do you like my new look?
Nabooru: Very nice, dear. Very appropriate for the show. Now, let's greet our next contestant who comes from a fiery mountain engulfed in pools of boiling lava. His hobbies include dancing like a maniac and rolling downhill with explosive. Everyone give an old-I mean new-fashioned Goron welcome to Darunia!
(Darunia rolls onstage looking like, well, Darunia.)
Darunia: Hey! Brother! Sisters! So you're coming on this little trip too, eh? Sounds like fun!
Nabooru: Indeed. Well, our next contestant comes from a sunny plateau where there is always a 50% chance of being attacked by cuccos, everyone give a warm welcome to Malon!!
(Malon steps forward wearing a blue tie-dyed halter top, short jean shorts, and sneakers. Her hair is up in a ponytail similar to Nabooru's. Malon stands next to Darunia and waves.)
Malon: Hey, all! I'm sure glad to be here! Let's get started!
Nabooru: Soon, dear. Our next contestant is really out of this world He comes all the way from the Sacred Realm: Meet Rauru!
(Rauru steps out from backstage and takes his place next to Malon. He is wearing a blue Hawaiian shirt with palm trees on it, blue knee-length swim trunks, and sandals.)
Rauru: Hello, everybody! How are things going in this realm?
Nabooru: Very well, I assure you. Now, our next contestant is also from the forest. She may be small, but she has a huge heart: everybody put your hands together for Saria!
(Saria skips onstage wearing a green tankini top with darker green flowers on it. She is wearing matching green and white surf shorts with the same flowers across the waist- band, and flip-flops.)
Saria: Hey there, everybody! (Saria winks and stands next to Rauru.)
Nabooru: Hello, Saria. Now, our eighth and last, but certainly not least contestant is none other than the Royal bodyguard of Princess Zelda, meet Impa!
(Impa jogs onto the stage wearing a black tank top and faded jean shorts. She is also wearing sneakers. She aims a fake punch at the camera and then goes to her place next to Saria.)
Impa: Wassup? It sure is good to be here!
Nabooru: Yes it is. And now that our contestants are all here....
(We hear a whooshing noise and suddenly Nabooru has disposed of the blazer and is her old self again. She is standing in a room in the Gerudo's hideout, and the contestants are gathered around in a circle sitting in fold-out chairs with Nabooru at the head. Many crates, bags, and backpacks are stacked up all over the room.)
Nabooru: Well, now that we have everybody, we can begin. At the beginning of this show, I mentioned a little bit about our voting system. That will work like this: The two teams that you will be divided up into will face each other in a challenge. The winner is safe until the next challenge, but the loser must go to the Spirit Temple that night for a council. There you will be forced to vote one of your own off the show, in which case they become part of the Jury which will decide the winner, so make sure not to let them know you voted for them! But not only will the team vote, you, the viewer, may also vote. Simply e-mail the producer of the show (her address is in her bio), or leave your vote in a review. Now please be warned: unless special circumstances arise, which we will tell you about, there will be NO entering the Spirit Temple at ANY TIME unless you are going to a council. Does everybody have it so far?
(Everybody nods and a murmur of "mm hmm" can be heard.)
Nabooru: Good. Now, there is only a little more that we must go over. Contestants: Aaaaaawwww.......
Nabooru: Come on, it'll only take a little bit. Now, there will be other challenges as well that will happen at different times in the show. These will also be completed as one team against another. The winner gets a reward and the loser does not. The winner also gets one point. The points will be discussed later on in the show. Okay?
Contestants: (Nods)
Nabooru: There's one last thing before we start. You all were allowed to bring one luxury item, like extra food, weapons, or entertainment. However, sage powers must NOT be used unless you chose that as your one luxury, which would be the following people: Darunia and Impa. Everyone else, if you are caught using special powers, you will be kicked off the show immediately and will now be on the Jury. Now, the teams were divided to be as fair as possible. The team names will be Tresaid (A/N: tree-SIDE) and Solain (A/N: sole-AIN). Any questions?
Contestants: Silence
Nabooru: Good. Now I will announce the teams. As you are called, please go stand on the corresponding side of the room. If you are in the tribe Tresaid, go stand behind the blue tape on this side of the room.
(Nabooru points to the viewer's left.)
Nabooru: If you are in the tribe Solain, go stand behind the green tape on THAT side of the room. (She points to the viewer's right.)
Nabooru: Now, the following people are in the tribe Tresaid: Zelda, Darunia, Malon, and Rauru.
(The teammates shake hands, gather their luggage, and stand against the wall. Zelda seems a little upset at the prospect of her guardian not being on her team, but she keeps her mouth shut. There is no talking until the game officially starts.)
Nabooru: Impa, Link, Saria, and Ruto: you are in the tribe Solain. Please go stand over there.
(The teammates high-five each other, get their belongings, and go stand against the other wall. Link goes over to Malon, whom has accidentally grabbed one of his bags. Somehow he gets the point across to her using sign language, and she gives him the bag. Link then goes over to the wall and leans up against it.)
Nabooru: All right then, is everybody ready to go?
Contestants: (Nods)
Nabooru: Good. Now, each team exit out of your door and stand at the line in your team's color. Now, as for the rest of the show, we'll be back after this brief commercial break.
(The screen fades and we see a brightly lit stage at a stadium concert. There are thousands of people everywhere, all yelling, screaming, and jumping up and down. Some have glowsticks, some have signs, and some are throwing things onto the stage while burly guys in black shirts that say "STAFF" in bright yellow are picking everything up and putting it all in bins close to the instruments. Other STAFF guys are busy switching the full bins with empty ones. An elevator-type device brings the star of the show onto the stage, her fiery red hair shining due to lots of hair spray, gel, and glitter. She is none other than Malon, who is wearing a Britney Spears- type outfit, only it is much more tasteful and MUCH more modest. Standing a little to the side are the Carpenter Guys from Kakariko Village, who are dressed like a barbershop quartet. Malon waves to the crowd, the heaps of glitter and sequins on her costume shining like stars with every minute movement she makes, and begins her song. It is to the tune of the "Joy of Pepsi" song.)
Malon: (Singing) The joy of fairies in your face!
The joy of nagging, it's just great!
The joy of hyper balls of light…
And it's the joy of NA-VI YEEEEEAAAH!!!!
(From here the tune of the song switches to the end of the Britney Spears Super Bowl commercial for Pepsi: the 1950s one.)
Carpenter Guys: (Singing) NA-VEEEE!!!
Malon: (Singing) For those who think dumb!
(Malon puts on that pose that Britney does at the end of the commercial, but instead of a can of Pepsi she has a fairy in a bottle. The fans go crazy and the commercial ends. )
(Outside. We see both teams all ready to go, and facing Nabooru. There is a huge crate, a map, and a compass by each team. Nabooru looks very excited and so do the many Gerudo guards that have gathered to watch the event. We see many flirting and blowing kisses to one of the cameras.)
Nabooru: Well, then! Welcome back to "Colossus". All of our contestants are ready to go, so we will begin!
(Nabooru signals to a guy holding a flag, who steps up to the line and stands right between the two teams. Nabooru steps up so she is in front of him.)
Nabooru: Okay! Now as soon as we begin, you will be allowed to talk to your teammates. You are to work as a team to cross the Haunted wasteland and come to your camp. The first to reach camp will receive an extra surprise reward, so good luck! Now, get ready! The moment the flagbearer gives the signal, we begin. On your mark!
(The flagbearer holds the flag up.)
Nabooru: Get set!
(The flagbearer hoists the flag high.)
Nabooru: Survive!
(The flagbearer brings the flag down with a sweeping, gesturing motion. Both he and Nabooru take off to watch from a safe distance. We go now to the tribe Tresaid.)
(The tribe Tresaid. Zelda appears to have taken on the leadership position. Rauru is fumbling in his pack for something.)
Zelda: All right, now! We're going to win this mystery prize! Malon, you get the bags and see how well you can make them into one big bundle.
Malon: Right.
(Malon takes a length of rope out of the crate and begins to form a net with astounding speed.)
Zelda, Darunia, and Rauru: O_O!!!
Malon: What? I was in the Hylian Scouts my whole childhood!
Zelda, Darunia, and Rauru: Ohhhh…
Zelda: Okay, then! Darunia, you and Rauru take the crate-uh…. Rauru? Rauru!? RAURU!
Rauru: What!? I'm busy.
Zelda: Help Darunia carry the crate.
Rauru: No need to.
Zelda: What? Hey, what's that you've got there?
(Rauru has found what he was looking for in his bag. He puts on a huge triumphant grin and holds up…)
Zelda, Darunia, and Malon: A GAME BOY!?!?!?!?!?!?
(Malon has finished the net and drops it on the ground.)
Malon: What good will THAT do!?
Rauru: Ah, but this is no ordinary Game Boy. What I have here is a one-of-a- kind Game Boy Color version of the Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time!
Darunia: So? What are you going to do? Control us by playing that thing?
Rauru: Exactly!
Malon: I think I get it….
Rauru: I also have here a GameShark! I attached it to my Game Boy when I was packing, so it counts as one item.
Zelda: But that means….
(All four contestants stop what they're doing and exchange glances.)
All: MOON JUMP!!!
(They high-five and Malon begins working on making the net bigger. Darunia is picking up all the wood he can find in the desert to make a frame for the net. Zelda is mapping out a course on the map, and Rauru is loading the "Moon Jump" code onto his current file of "OoT". The screen fades.)
(Tribe Solain. Impa is the commanding officer here, but Link is trying to fix that.)
Impa: All right, people, listen up! Those Tresaid people think they're so great, but we're going to show them!
Link: Sure, sure. But we've got to work together! And that means listening to ME. Is that clear?
Impa: Link! That's not the way to be a leader! Guys, don't listen to him. Listen to ME. Now, we've got to think fast. I have a---
Ruto: Wait!
Saria: What is it? We've got to hurry.
Ruto: Look what I brought!
(Ruto reaches into a huge suitcase and pulls out two gold rupees.)
Link: RUPEES!? Why in Din's name did you bring MONEY to the MIDDLE OF FRIGGING NOWHERE!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?
Saria: Link, calm down! RUTO! WHAT WERE YOU THINKING!?
Ruto: Well, I…
Impa: Ruto, why did you bring money? We are going to be living in a DESERT! There aren't any souvenir shops around here!
Ruto: But….
Saria: All right, everybody just shut up. Enough with abusing fish-people!
Ruto: Zoras.
Impa: Whatever. But Saria's right. We have to concentrate on getting across. Now, Ruto. Please put away the….. Ruto? Where is she?
(We notice that Ruto has mysteriously disappeared. The tribe Tresaid, Nabooru, and the flagbearer have all gone, too, and now Impa, Link, and Saria are all alone in the desert. The wind begins to pick up speed and sand.)
Link: Aww, man! I almost choked to death the last time this happened!
Impa: A storm! This is the last thing we need!
Saria: Hey! What's that!?
(Saria points off into the blur of flying sand at a flying black blotch. It is the Bombchu Guy on his carpet, but he is not alone…)
Impa, Link, and Saria: RUTO!?!?!?!?!?
Saria: Ha HAAA!!!! NOW I get it! Ruto, that was great thinking!
Link: I can't believe it!
Impa: Come on! Let's go!
(They all pick up the bags, crate, and everything else and race towards the carpet. Bombchu Guy brings his carpet in for a landing and helps them all load the cargo.)
Bombchu Guy: Greetings and salutations, you groovy cats! What service can I be to such groovy chicks?
Link: Ahem!
BG: And dude!
Link: Thank you.
Ruto: Just follow this map, and let us off right……. Here.
(Ruto points to the spot on the map that marks the Solain camp.)
BG: Can do, fish princess!
Ruto: That's ZORA princess.
BG: All right! You need to chill, man! Just go with the flow…
(BG gestures to his carpet, which immediately rises up and takes off at an amazing speed, but the unlucky passengers soon learn what it means to be victims of BG's driving.)
Link: (Holding his stomach and looking a little greener than usual) Ooog…. I think I'm gonna---
Impa and Saria: DON'T SAY IT!!!
Ruto: WHEEEEEEE!!! I've never felt so ALIVE!!!
(Ruto has stood up on the crate and is holding her arms out, like Rose did in "Titanic". Apparently Zoras are immune to motion sickness.)
(Tribe Tresaid. We see a rickety frame of a square shape with the net stretched over the middle. The crate is in the center, and Rauru is sitting on top of it, pushing buttons on his Game Boy while it bleeps annoyingly. Zelda is holding the map and compass while shouting directions. Malon and Darunia are on either side of the "hovercraft", trying to steer the thing by means of a makeshift sail made from one of Malon's luxury: spare blankets. Each has one end, and they are using the storm's winds to guide the direction of the craft.)
Zelda: A little to the right…. That's it…No! Too much! Left! Left! Okay, that's good! Hold it!
Rauru: A little quieter, please! This is hard!
Malon: At least you get to sit down!
Darunia: Malon, Malon, MALON! WATCH THE SAIL!
Malon: Huh? AAAACK!!
(The sail has slipped from Malon's hands, and she only grabs it just in time. However, she has overcompensated for her lunge to catch it, and she falls down onto her face. This makes the whole craft swerve left, and turn almost on its side.)
Malon: OOF!!!
Darunia: CRAP!!!
Zelda: DARUNIA!!! LEAN LEAN LEAN LEAN LEEEAAAANNN!!!!
(Darunia leans, but leans to far. The whole craft turns right, and absolutely vertical. Malon and Zelda grab Rauru and the cargo just in time. Once Rauru grabs the cargo, Zelda tackles Malon and manages to right the craft.)
All: Aaaaaaahhhhh….
(Suddenly, the craft lurches down and forward. Since Rauru had grabbed the cargo, he has forgotten to keep Moon Jumping and the whole craft begins an almost vertical nose-dive. Rauru immediately picks up the Game Boy and rights the craft, but Zelda still has Malon pinned, therefore making the whole thing swerve left again. Darunia tries to pull up, but it's too late. The craft flips over, spilling everybody and everything. Zelda, being the person farthest out, has landed the farthest away from the wreck. She picks up her face out of the sand and leans on one elbow, wiping the sand out of her face with the other arm.)
Zelda: Hey, look! We made it!
(Tribe Solain. The group has almost made it to camp.)
Ruto: There it is! There's the camp!
Link: We're going to make it!
Saria: Wahooo!
(The carpet is now about twelve feet away from camp and is closing in fast. BG brings the carpet in for a neat landing about six feet from the edge of camp.)
BG: Well cats, this is it! I've gotta go sell my wares: gotta make money in this world, man! Peace!
(Link and Impa grab the crate while Ruto and Saria carry the bags. Ruto had paid BG when she convinced him to give them a ride. After every parcel is off the carpet, BG takes off and flies like the wind-and against it-off toward Hyrule Castle Town. The group races forward and drop their burdens. They just begin to unpack when they notice Nabooru standing there watching them.)
Nabooru: Congratulations!
Link: You mean…
Saria: We won…
Impa and Ruto: The secret prize?
Nabooru: That's right! You won a giant supply of Poe-B-Gon!!!
(A/N: See Hyrule: Caught on camera!)
(All four crash down, anime-style.)
Impa: Poe-B-Gon!?!?!? What kind of stupid prize is that?
Nabooru: Sorry, but it was either that or the Lizalfinator.
Saria: Well, we get what we get! At least we won! Right, guys?
Ruto: Yeah!
Impa: I suppose…
Ruto: What about you, Link?
(Link doesn't answer. He is busy banging his head against the crate and muttering.)
Link: Stupid! Stupid! Stupid! I can't believe…… all that work…..Stupid prize…..Why did I…… advertising contract….. motion sickness….worthless…..
Nabooru: Well, that's all for this episode! Remember to tune in next time for Colossus: A Hylian Survival Adventure!!!
(The screen fades out and we see glimpses of various scenes from the show as the credits roll. The song we heard at the beginning of the show is playing now, as it is the show's theme song. At the end, we see the Production Company's logo for about a millisecond, and the show ends.)
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Well, that's all for this episode! Be sure to review and tell me what you think, or to make a suggestion. I will always take your suggestions into consideration (if I ever get any), and if I use your idea, I WILL give you credit, so be sure to sign your review! I'll "see" you next update!
Disclaimer: I do not own Zelda. Nor do I own the "Survivor" television series, or anything else related to it, or mentioned in this fic. You will understand later. Also, I did not steal your idea. If you want to use it, please ask me. And review this story. I am open to suggestions as well.
¤ Whew! ¤ What a disclaimer! It's my weirdest one yet! Anyway, this fic is kind of a spoof of the "Survivor" television series. Well, as I always say, enjoy this story, and review!
¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤ ¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤
(As the show opens, we see a large maze of adobe buildings all linked together. A troop of all-female guards clad in deep crimson walk to and fro all over the grounds. At the very top of the huge complex stands a lone woman with bright red hair, her white clothes contrasting sharply with her dark, tanned skin. Gold jewelry gleams on her arm and neck in the brilliant sunset. The camera zooms in on her, then rotates for a beautiful profile shot against a stunning sunset.)
Female Voice: We have been here for years. We survive in the desert where no one else can. But all things must change, like the setting of the sun and the rising of the moon. For the first time in Gerudo history, outsiders will pass the haunted wastelands and into the Desert Colossus to participate in a contest of wit, endurance, and skills. But this is no adventure. It is a competition. A game. And only the last to leave can truly call themselves:
Survivor.
(Eerie music starts, kind of like a remix of the Gerudo Valley song and the Gerudo's Hideout song with some ocarina playing mixed in. We see a shot of the Desert Colossus, with two different camps: one on each side, but equidistant from the Desert Oasis; now dancing in clear, crystalline water. The song ends, and we see the woman in white, only this time she is standing on the steps of the Spirit Temple. The camera zooms in on her and she addresses the camera. )
Woman: Greetings. You are witnessing history in the making. For the first time since who knows when, outsiders are entering this sacred desert, but this time they are on a different mission. These people have been selected from the many people who wished to embark on this journey, but only one can truly be called the Colossus Survivor. I, Nabooru, shall both your guide and theirs while these mighty citizens of Hyrule and beyond must learn to improvise, adapt, and survive in the desert. And as this show was not pre- recorded, both the contestants and you, the viewer, will decide who stays and who goes. We will address that later on. But now, it is time for you to meet our honored guests:
(Cheesy game show music starts up, and out of nowhere Nabooru has produced a turquoise sequin blazer and put it on. She is no longer standing on the steps of the Spirit Temple, but on a horribly tacky game show set, with pink and yellow neon lights flashing everywhere. Behind her is a giant TV monitor, on which we see the exact same image as is showing up on camera. )
Nabooru: Ladies and gentlemen, our first guest is an odd choice indeed. She comes from a faraway paradise, where sun, swimming, and being swallowed by bloated deities are daily occurrences- put your hands-er, fins-together for Princeeeeeeeeeessssssss Rutoooooo!!!!!!!
(Ruto walks onstage wearing what looks like a cropped-off tube top and matching mini-skirt, both made out of the material that Zora Tunics are made out of. She waves to the audience, which isn't really there, and takes her spot on the stage.)
Ruto: Hello, everyone! Hi, Dad! If you see this, it means that you finally learned how to work the TV! Congratulations!!!
Nabooru: Well, erm, yes, that's great. Well, our second contestant comes from a place where he was always an outsider, and now is ready to throttle the very thing he wanted most:
Say "Wassup" to the very Hero of Time himself, Link!
(Link walks onstage wearing a muscle shirt made of the Goron Tunic Fabric, black board shorts with orange and red flames flaring up from the bottoms of the legs, black basketball shoes, white socks, and a read bandanna tied pirate-style replacing his usual green cap. His hair, as usual, is falling in his face. Link flexes his muscles, and a few teenage girls whom appeared out of nowhere immediately swoon. Link walks up next to Ruto, still winking and flexing.)
Link: Yeah! I'm all fired up! Let's get this show started!
(The girls who swooned have all gotten up and gathered around behind Link, who hands each a gold rupee. The girls immediately run off towards the new Hyrule SuperMall.)
Nabooru: -_-' Well, anyways, let's move on. Our next contestant comes from a very influential family in the very center of Hylian fame and fortune, give a red-hot welcome to Zelda, Princess of Hyrule!!!
(Zelda runs onto the stage very exuberantly in very short olive green cargo shorts and a camo bikini top. Her hair is tied up in a ponytail underneath a camo bandanna tied like a kerchief. She is wearing white tennis shoes and has obviously been working out.)
Zelda: Hey, there! (Winks and gives a peace-sign, anime-style.) Wassup, everyone? How do you like my new look?
Nabooru: Very nice, dear. Very appropriate for the show. Now, let's greet our next contestant who comes from a fiery mountain engulfed in pools of boiling lava. His hobbies include dancing like a maniac and rolling downhill with explosive. Everyone give an old-I mean new-fashioned Goron welcome to Darunia!
(Darunia rolls onstage looking like, well, Darunia.)
Darunia: Hey! Brother! Sisters! So you're coming on this little trip too, eh? Sounds like fun!
Nabooru: Indeed. Well, our next contestant comes from a sunny plateau where there is always a 50% chance of being attacked by cuccos, everyone give a warm welcome to Malon!!
(Malon steps forward wearing a blue tie-dyed halter top, short jean shorts, and sneakers. Her hair is up in a ponytail similar to Nabooru's. Malon stands next to Darunia and waves.)
Malon: Hey, all! I'm sure glad to be here! Let's get started!
Nabooru: Soon, dear. Our next contestant is really out of this world He comes all the way from the Sacred Realm: Meet Rauru!
(Rauru steps out from backstage and takes his place next to Malon. He is wearing a blue Hawaiian shirt with palm trees on it, blue knee-length swim trunks, and sandals.)
Rauru: Hello, everybody! How are things going in this realm?
Nabooru: Very well, I assure you. Now, our next contestant is also from the forest. She may be small, but she has a huge heart: everybody put your hands together for Saria!
(Saria skips onstage wearing a green tankini top with darker green flowers on it. She is wearing matching green and white surf shorts with the same flowers across the waist- band, and flip-flops.)
Saria: Hey there, everybody! (Saria winks and stands next to Rauru.)
Nabooru: Hello, Saria. Now, our eighth and last, but certainly not least contestant is none other than the Royal bodyguard of Princess Zelda, meet Impa!
(Impa jogs onto the stage wearing a black tank top and faded jean shorts. She is also wearing sneakers. She aims a fake punch at the camera and then goes to her place next to Saria.)
Impa: Wassup? It sure is good to be here!
Nabooru: Yes it is. And now that our contestants are all here....
(We hear a whooshing noise and suddenly Nabooru has disposed of the blazer and is her old self again. She is standing in a room in the Gerudo's hideout, and the contestants are gathered around in a circle sitting in fold-out chairs with Nabooru at the head. Many crates, bags, and backpacks are stacked up all over the room.)
Nabooru: Well, now that we have everybody, we can begin. At the beginning of this show, I mentioned a little bit about our voting system. That will work like this: The two teams that you will be divided up into will face each other in a challenge. The winner is safe until the next challenge, but the loser must go to the Spirit Temple that night for a council. There you will be forced to vote one of your own off the show, in which case they become part of the Jury which will decide the winner, so make sure not to let them know you voted for them! But not only will the team vote, you, the viewer, may also vote. Simply e-mail the producer of the show (her address is in her bio), or leave your vote in a review. Now please be warned: unless special circumstances arise, which we will tell you about, there will be NO entering the Spirit Temple at ANY TIME unless you are going to a council. Does everybody have it so far?
(Everybody nods and a murmur of "mm hmm" can be heard.)
Nabooru: Good. Now, there is only a little more that we must go over. Contestants: Aaaaaawwww.......
Nabooru: Come on, it'll only take a little bit. Now, there will be other challenges as well that will happen at different times in the show. These will also be completed as one team against another. The winner gets a reward and the loser does not. The winner also gets one point. The points will be discussed later on in the show. Okay?
Contestants: (Nods)
Nabooru: There's one last thing before we start. You all were allowed to bring one luxury item, like extra food, weapons, or entertainment. However, sage powers must NOT be used unless you chose that as your one luxury, which would be the following people: Darunia and Impa. Everyone else, if you are caught using special powers, you will be kicked off the show immediately and will now be on the Jury. Now, the teams were divided to be as fair as possible. The team names will be Tresaid (A/N: tree-SIDE) and Solain (A/N: sole-AIN). Any questions?
Contestants: Silence
Nabooru: Good. Now I will announce the teams. As you are called, please go stand on the corresponding side of the room. If you are in the tribe Tresaid, go stand behind the blue tape on this side of the room.
(Nabooru points to the viewer's left.)
Nabooru: If you are in the tribe Solain, go stand behind the green tape on THAT side of the room. (She points to the viewer's right.)
Nabooru: Now, the following people are in the tribe Tresaid: Zelda, Darunia, Malon, and Rauru.
(The teammates shake hands, gather their luggage, and stand against the wall. Zelda seems a little upset at the prospect of her guardian not being on her team, but she keeps her mouth shut. There is no talking until the game officially starts.)
Nabooru: Impa, Link, Saria, and Ruto: you are in the tribe Solain. Please go stand over there.
(The teammates high-five each other, get their belongings, and go stand against the other wall. Link goes over to Malon, whom has accidentally grabbed one of his bags. Somehow he gets the point across to her using sign language, and she gives him the bag. Link then goes over to the wall and leans up against it.)
Nabooru: All right then, is everybody ready to go?
Contestants: (Nods)
Nabooru: Good. Now, each team exit out of your door and stand at the line in your team's color. Now, as for the rest of the show, we'll be back after this brief commercial break.
(The screen fades and we see a brightly lit stage at a stadium concert. There are thousands of people everywhere, all yelling, screaming, and jumping up and down. Some have glowsticks, some have signs, and some are throwing things onto the stage while burly guys in black shirts that say "STAFF" in bright yellow are picking everything up and putting it all in bins close to the instruments. Other STAFF guys are busy switching the full bins with empty ones. An elevator-type device brings the star of the show onto the stage, her fiery red hair shining due to lots of hair spray, gel, and glitter. She is none other than Malon, who is wearing a Britney Spears- type outfit, only it is much more tasteful and MUCH more modest. Standing a little to the side are the Carpenter Guys from Kakariko Village, who are dressed like a barbershop quartet. Malon waves to the crowd, the heaps of glitter and sequins on her costume shining like stars with every minute movement she makes, and begins her song. It is to the tune of the "Joy of Pepsi" song.)
Malon: (Singing) The joy of fairies in your face!
The joy of nagging, it's just great!
The joy of hyper balls of light…
And it's the joy of NA-VI YEEEEEAAAH!!!!
(From here the tune of the song switches to the end of the Britney Spears Super Bowl commercial for Pepsi: the 1950s one.)
Carpenter Guys: (Singing) NA-VEEEE!!!
Malon: (Singing) For those who think dumb!
(Malon puts on that pose that Britney does at the end of the commercial, but instead of a can of Pepsi she has a fairy in a bottle. The fans go crazy and the commercial ends. )
(Outside. We see both teams all ready to go, and facing Nabooru. There is a huge crate, a map, and a compass by each team. Nabooru looks very excited and so do the many Gerudo guards that have gathered to watch the event. We see many flirting and blowing kisses to one of the cameras.)
Nabooru: Well, then! Welcome back to "Colossus". All of our contestants are ready to go, so we will begin!
(Nabooru signals to a guy holding a flag, who steps up to the line and stands right between the two teams. Nabooru steps up so she is in front of him.)
Nabooru: Okay! Now as soon as we begin, you will be allowed to talk to your teammates. You are to work as a team to cross the Haunted wasteland and come to your camp. The first to reach camp will receive an extra surprise reward, so good luck! Now, get ready! The moment the flagbearer gives the signal, we begin. On your mark!
(The flagbearer holds the flag up.)
Nabooru: Get set!
(The flagbearer hoists the flag high.)
Nabooru: Survive!
(The flagbearer brings the flag down with a sweeping, gesturing motion. Both he and Nabooru take off to watch from a safe distance. We go now to the tribe Tresaid.)
(The tribe Tresaid. Zelda appears to have taken on the leadership position. Rauru is fumbling in his pack for something.)
Zelda: All right, now! We're going to win this mystery prize! Malon, you get the bags and see how well you can make them into one big bundle.
Malon: Right.
(Malon takes a length of rope out of the crate and begins to form a net with astounding speed.)
Zelda, Darunia, and Rauru: O_O!!!
Malon: What? I was in the Hylian Scouts my whole childhood!
Zelda, Darunia, and Rauru: Ohhhh…
Zelda: Okay, then! Darunia, you and Rauru take the crate-uh…. Rauru? Rauru!? RAURU!
Rauru: What!? I'm busy.
Zelda: Help Darunia carry the crate.
Rauru: No need to.
Zelda: What? Hey, what's that you've got there?
(Rauru has found what he was looking for in his bag. He puts on a huge triumphant grin and holds up…)
Zelda, Darunia, and Malon: A GAME BOY!?!?!?!?!?!?
(Malon has finished the net and drops it on the ground.)
Malon: What good will THAT do!?
Rauru: Ah, but this is no ordinary Game Boy. What I have here is a one-of-a- kind Game Boy Color version of the Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time!
Darunia: So? What are you going to do? Control us by playing that thing?
Rauru: Exactly!
Malon: I think I get it….
Rauru: I also have here a GameShark! I attached it to my Game Boy when I was packing, so it counts as one item.
Zelda: But that means….
(All four contestants stop what they're doing and exchange glances.)
All: MOON JUMP!!!
(They high-five and Malon begins working on making the net bigger. Darunia is picking up all the wood he can find in the desert to make a frame for the net. Zelda is mapping out a course on the map, and Rauru is loading the "Moon Jump" code onto his current file of "OoT". The screen fades.)
(Tribe Solain. Impa is the commanding officer here, but Link is trying to fix that.)
Impa: All right, people, listen up! Those Tresaid people think they're so great, but we're going to show them!
Link: Sure, sure. But we've got to work together! And that means listening to ME. Is that clear?
Impa: Link! That's not the way to be a leader! Guys, don't listen to him. Listen to ME. Now, we've got to think fast. I have a---
Ruto: Wait!
Saria: What is it? We've got to hurry.
Ruto: Look what I brought!
(Ruto reaches into a huge suitcase and pulls out two gold rupees.)
Link: RUPEES!? Why in Din's name did you bring MONEY to the MIDDLE OF FRIGGING NOWHERE!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?
Saria: Link, calm down! RUTO! WHAT WERE YOU THINKING!?
Ruto: Well, I…
Impa: Ruto, why did you bring money? We are going to be living in a DESERT! There aren't any souvenir shops around here!
Ruto: But….
Saria: All right, everybody just shut up. Enough with abusing fish-people!
Ruto: Zoras.
Impa: Whatever. But Saria's right. We have to concentrate on getting across. Now, Ruto. Please put away the….. Ruto? Where is she?
(We notice that Ruto has mysteriously disappeared. The tribe Tresaid, Nabooru, and the flagbearer have all gone, too, and now Impa, Link, and Saria are all alone in the desert. The wind begins to pick up speed and sand.)
Link: Aww, man! I almost choked to death the last time this happened!
Impa: A storm! This is the last thing we need!
Saria: Hey! What's that!?
(Saria points off into the blur of flying sand at a flying black blotch. It is the Bombchu Guy on his carpet, but he is not alone…)
Impa, Link, and Saria: RUTO!?!?!?!?!?
Saria: Ha HAAA!!!! NOW I get it! Ruto, that was great thinking!
Link: I can't believe it!
Impa: Come on! Let's go!
(They all pick up the bags, crate, and everything else and race towards the carpet. Bombchu Guy brings his carpet in for a landing and helps them all load the cargo.)
Bombchu Guy: Greetings and salutations, you groovy cats! What service can I be to such groovy chicks?
Link: Ahem!
BG: And dude!
Link: Thank you.
Ruto: Just follow this map, and let us off right……. Here.
(Ruto points to the spot on the map that marks the Solain camp.)
BG: Can do, fish princess!
Ruto: That's ZORA princess.
BG: All right! You need to chill, man! Just go with the flow…
(BG gestures to his carpet, which immediately rises up and takes off at an amazing speed, but the unlucky passengers soon learn what it means to be victims of BG's driving.)
Link: (Holding his stomach and looking a little greener than usual) Ooog…. I think I'm gonna---
Impa and Saria: DON'T SAY IT!!!
Ruto: WHEEEEEEE!!! I've never felt so ALIVE!!!
(Ruto has stood up on the crate and is holding her arms out, like Rose did in "Titanic". Apparently Zoras are immune to motion sickness.)
(Tribe Tresaid. We see a rickety frame of a square shape with the net stretched over the middle. The crate is in the center, and Rauru is sitting on top of it, pushing buttons on his Game Boy while it bleeps annoyingly. Zelda is holding the map and compass while shouting directions. Malon and Darunia are on either side of the "hovercraft", trying to steer the thing by means of a makeshift sail made from one of Malon's luxury: spare blankets. Each has one end, and they are using the storm's winds to guide the direction of the craft.)
Zelda: A little to the right…. That's it…No! Too much! Left! Left! Okay, that's good! Hold it!
Rauru: A little quieter, please! This is hard!
Malon: At least you get to sit down!
Darunia: Malon, Malon, MALON! WATCH THE SAIL!
Malon: Huh? AAAACK!!
(The sail has slipped from Malon's hands, and she only grabs it just in time. However, she has overcompensated for her lunge to catch it, and she falls down onto her face. This makes the whole craft swerve left, and turn almost on its side.)
Malon: OOF!!!
Darunia: CRAP!!!
Zelda: DARUNIA!!! LEAN LEAN LEAN LEAN LEEEAAAANNN!!!!
(Darunia leans, but leans to far. The whole craft turns right, and absolutely vertical. Malon and Zelda grab Rauru and the cargo just in time. Once Rauru grabs the cargo, Zelda tackles Malon and manages to right the craft.)
All: Aaaaaaahhhhh….
(Suddenly, the craft lurches down and forward. Since Rauru had grabbed the cargo, he has forgotten to keep Moon Jumping and the whole craft begins an almost vertical nose-dive. Rauru immediately picks up the Game Boy and rights the craft, but Zelda still has Malon pinned, therefore making the whole thing swerve left again. Darunia tries to pull up, but it's too late. The craft flips over, spilling everybody and everything. Zelda, being the person farthest out, has landed the farthest away from the wreck. She picks up her face out of the sand and leans on one elbow, wiping the sand out of her face with the other arm.)
Zelda: Hey, look! We made it!
(Tribe Solain. The group has almost made it to camp.)
Ruto: There it is! There's the camp!
Link: We're going to make it!
Saria: Wahooo!
(The carpet is now about twelve feet away from camp and is closing in fast. BG brings the carpet in for a neat landing about six feet from the edge of camp.)
BG: Well cats, this is it! I've gotta go sell my wares: gotta make money in this world, man! Peace!
(Link and Impa grab the crate while Ruto and Saria carry the bags. Ruto had paid BG when she convinced him to give them a ride. After every parcel is off the carpet, BG takes off and flies like the wind-and against it-off toward Hyrule Castle Town. The group races forward and drop their burdens. They just begin to unpack when they notice Nabooru standing there watching them.)
Nabooru: Congratulations!
Link: You mean…
Saria: We won…
Impa and Ruto: The secret prize?
Nabooru: That's right! You won a giant supply of Poe-B-Gon!!!
(A/N: See Hyrule: Caught on camera!)
(All four crash down, anime-style.)
Impa: Poe-B-Gon!?!?!? What kind of stupid prize is that?
Nabooru: Sorry, but it was either that or the Lizalfinator.
Saria: Well, we get what we get! At least we won! Right, guys?
Ruto: Yeah!
Impa: I suppose…
Ruto: What about you, Link?
(Link doesn't answer. He is busy banging his head against the crate and muttering.)
Link: Stupid! Stupid! Stupid! I can't believe…… all that work…..Stupid prize…..Why did I…… advertising contract….. motion sickness….worthless…..
Nabooru: Well, that's all for this episode! Remember to tune in next time for Colossus: A Hylian Survival Adventure!!!
(The screen fades out and we see glimpses of various scenes from the show as the credits roll. The song we heard at the beginning of the show is playing now, as it is the show's theme song. At the end, we see the Production Company's logo for about a millisecond, and the show ends.)
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Well, that's all for this episode! Be sure to review and tell me what you think, or to make a suggestion. I will always take your suggestions into consideration (if I ever get any), and if I use your idea, I WILL give you credit, so be sure to sign your review! I'll "see" you next update!