Colossus
A Fanfic by Sheik
Dis--- Wait. Go to chapter one and you will see all the disclaimerization that you want.
Hiya! Okay, REALLY sorry for the lack of updates, but you see, I have been braindead lately (and to tell the truth, I still am), and combined with a nasty case of writer's block, that is the worst thing that can happen to an author, especially me. Why? I keep wanting to write, and I end up staring at a blank computer screen for an hour! HELP!
¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤ ¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤
¤ We see the usual opening: Gerudo guards patrolling the maze of clay structure that is their hideout, with a stunning sunset stretching its fingers across the valley. There is a silhouette atop the highest of these buildings. We hear a female voice speaking, presumably the owner of the silhouette. ¤
Female Voice: We have been here for years. We survive in the desert where no one else can. But all things must change, like the setting of the sun and the rising of the moon. For the first time in Gerudo history, outsiders will pass the haunted wastelands and into the Desert Colossus to participate in a contest of wit, endurance, and skills. But this is no adventure. It is a competition. A game. And only the last to leave can truly call themselves:
Survivor.
¤ Eerie music starts, kind of like a remix of the Gerudo Valley song and the Gerudo's Hideout song with some ocarina playing mixed in. We see a shot of the Desert Colossus, with two different camps: one on each side, but equidistant from the Desert Oasis; now dancing in clear, crystalline water. The song ends, and we see Bombchu Guy standing on the steps of the Spirit Temple. ¤
BG: Salutations! Nabooru has been having some problems with the soda machines in the employee lounge, so I'll be your host until we get that sorted out.
Voice of Nabooru: Come ON, you #@%!*&*#$@#%$#@!& piece of junk! WORK!!!
¤ We hear many loud crashes and other violent noises coming from somewhere off camera, followed by a barrage of soda cans flying everywhere. BG grabs one of these and opens it, pointing it in the direction from which the noises came. ¤
BG: Cool it, you groovy chick!
Soda Can: FFFFFFFFIIIIIIIIIIIIZZZZZZZZZZZSSSSSSSHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!
Voice of Nabooru: ARGH! MY BEST T-SHIRT! YOU'LL PAY FOR THAT, YOU STREET MERCHANT!!!!
BG: Whuh-oh! Well, it looks like our soda machine problem has been fixed, so I'll be moving along now! Ciao!
¤ BG takes off followed by a very angry, soda-drenched, Nabooru (Wearing a T-shirt, of course). More violent noises can be heard. ¤
Voice of BG: Hey! Cut that out!
Voice of Nabooru: We'll be right after this commercial break!
¤ The screen fades out and we can hear a faint beat that continually gets louder: it is none other than the "Macarena". There is no scenery, only a white background. There are backup dancers that are all doing random dance moves and singing. An announcer guy walks up holding a microwave meal of some kind. All the dancers sing to the tune of the "chorus" of the "Macarena". ¤
Dancers: HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEY CUCCO LADY!!!
Announcer: You've seen her around, but who knew that this quiet Kakarikan was such a great chef?
Dancers: HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEY CUCCO LADY!!!
Announcer: These great Cucco-lady meals are nutritious, delicious, and economicalistic!
Dancers: HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEY CUCCO LADY!!!
¤ The cucco lady from Kakariko village walks onto the "set" and holds up a plate of delicious-looking food. Her brand of meal, of course. ¤
Cucco Lady: Hello there, I'm the cucco lady from Kakariko village. My new line of microwave dinners is sure to be a hit! My cuccos are fed only artificially-flavored food pumped up with steroids to give you the juiciest, plumpest cucco you can find! And now, introducing our 1,000 year line: so full of preservatives, it's guaranteed to last at least 1,000 years!
Dancers: HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEY CUCCO LADY!!!
CL: So go to your local supermarket and pick some up!
Dancers: HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEY CUCCO LADY!!!
¤ The commercial ends, and we return to the show. ¤
¤ Tribe Solain: The group is trying to decide what to do about the food situation: apparently Ruto doesn't mind starving the camp for the sake of her "Frankie-poo". ¤
Ruto: Oh, Frankie! You just love Cheez-E-Puffs, don't you?
Link: Ruto, I'm hungry! Give us some for a change!
Ruto: But then my Frankie will starve to death!
Impa: Ruto, listen. You've got to let that thing go. It's survived perfectly well in the desert until now, and besides: you've used up a whole day's worth of rations in a matter of minutes! I'm afraid that unless you let that thing go or stop feeding it, you'll have to give up your share.
Saria: It's not fair that we have to starve because of that thing. It's enough that I'm in such close proximity to it! I think I'll go refill the canteens.
Link: I just filled them this morning! They're full!
Saria: Not anymore.
¤ Saria points to the pile of empty canteens. Frank has just received a luxury bath. ¤
Link and Impa: -_-'
¤ Tribe Tresaid: The group's morale seems to have gone up after eating something, and Rauru has agreed to only eat Cheez-E-Puffs if he will share with the rest of the group. The group is sitting by the campfire with "plates" of rice and rotisserie-style Leever. ¤
Malon: Wow, Darunia! I never knew you could cook!
Darunia: Well I couldn't have cooked without something to work with!
Rauru: This is much better than eating Cheez-E-Puffs all day!
Zelda: I'm just glad Rauru helped me find my arrows!
¤ Suddenly, something lands in Malon's plate. ¤
Malon: Ack!
Zelda: What the heck?!
Darunia: It's a snail!
Malon, Zelda, and Rauru: A SNAIL?!
Reader: What the---?
¤ We hear a familiar female voice screaming, continually getting nearer. ¤
FFV: I'M COMING, MY PRECIOUS FRAKNIE-POO!!! YOUR FISH---ah, erm……… ZORA PRINCESS IS COMING FOR YOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUUU!!!!!!!!!
¤ Everybody stands up, trying to see whom the voice is coming from. Soon Ruto comes sprinting over as if wild Dinalfos were chasing her. ¤
Ruto: FRANKIE! I'M HERE!!!
Zelda: RUTO?! What in Din's name are you DOING here?!
Ruto: I came to get my Frankie! (¤ To Frank ¤) Auntie Saria has quite the arm, doesn't she? Duszsh't shze?!
¤ Zelda rolls her eyes. ¤
Malon: You better get out of here!
Darunia: If you're found here you could get kicked off, or worse!
Rauru: Now go away. We're eating here!
Ruto: Really?! What are you eating?
Zelda: None of your business. Now go back to your camp.
¤ Ruto leans over so that her face is almost directly in Darunia's plate. ¤
Ruto: Mmmmmmm….. This smells great! Can I have some? Thanks!
¤ Ruto grabs all four plates and runs off. ¤
Zelda: RUTO!!! GET BACK HERE WITH OUR FOOD!!
¤ Zelda runs after Ruto and manages to grab one of the plates from Ruto, who immediately slaps it out of Zelda's hand. The plate goes flying and lands… ¤
Darunia: …..Right. In. The. Fire!!! AAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRGGGGHHHH!!!
Ruto: Ah…………..oops. Bye!
¤ Ruto runs off, leaving Tresaid to lament over a lost meal and an extinguished fire. ¤
¤ Tribe Solain: Ruto has run off in search of Frank. Link, Saria, and Impa are making sure that Frank never eats Cheez-E-Puffs again. EVER.
Impa: It's been so long since I've tasted real food!
Saria: It's been so long since I've been away from that snail!
Link: Sixth hourth?
¤ Link's mouth just happens to be full, and getting fuller by the second. ¤
Saria: That's disgusting!
Impa: Chew with your mouth closed!
Ruto (Voice): Oh, Frankie-poo! Here we are, back at camp! How about some nice Cheez-E-Puffs to go with our new meal?
Saria and Impa: Eep!
Link: Eepth!
¤ Link stashes the Cheez-E-Puffs in his bag and everyone goes into the tent, acting as if they were asleep. At that moment Ruto comes walking up. ¤
Ruto: Hey, where are the Cheez-E-Puffs?
A Fanfic by Sheik
Dis--- Wait. Go to chapter one and you will see all the disclaimerization that you want.
Hiya! Okay, REALLY sorry for the lack of updates, but you see, I have been braindead lately (and to tell the truth, I still am), and combined with a nasty case of writer's block, that is the worst thing that can happen to an author, especially me. Why? I keep wanting to write, and I end up staring at a blank computer screen for an hour! HELP!
¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤ ¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤
¤ We see the usual opening: Gerudo guards patrolling the maze of clay structure that is their hideout, with a stunning sunset stretching its fingers across the valley. There is a silhouette atop the highest of these buildings. We hear a female voice speaking, presumably the owner of the silhouette. ¤
Female Voice: We have been here for years. We survive in the desert where no one else can. But all things must change, like the setting of the sun and the rising of the moon. For the first time in Gerudo history, outsiders will pass the haunted wastelands and into the Desert Colossus to participate in a contest of wit, endurance, and skills. But this is no adventure. It is a competition. A game. And only the last to leave can truly call themselves:
Survivor.
¤ Eerie music starts, kind of like a remix of the Gerudo Valley song and the Gerudo's Hideout song with some ocarina playing mixed in. We see a shot of the Desert Colossus, with two different camps: one on each side, but equidistant from the Desert Oasis; now dancing in clear, crystalline water. The song ends, and we see Bombchu Guy standing on the steps of the Spirit Temple. ¤
BG: Salutations! Nabooru has been having some problems with the soda machines in the employee lounge, so I'll be your host until we get that sorted out.
Voice of Nabooru: Come ON, you #@%!*&*#$@#%$#@!& piece of junk! WORK!!!
¤ We hear many loud crashes and other violent noises coming from somewhere off camera, followed by a barrage of soda cans flying everywhere. BG grabs one of these and opens it, pointing it in the direction from which the noises came. ¤
BG: Cool it, you groovy chick!
Soda Can: FFFFFFFFIIIIIIIIIIIIZZZZZZZZZZZSSSSSSSHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!
Voice of Nabooru: ARGH! MY BEST T-SHIRT! YOU'LL PAY FOR THAT, YOU STREET MERCHANT!!!!
BG: Whuh-oh! Well, it looks like our soda machine problem has been fixed, so I'll be moving along now! Ciao!
¤ BG takes off followed by a very angry, soda-drenched, Nabooru (Wearing a T-shirt, of course). More violent noises can be heard. ¤
Voice of BG: Hey! Cut that out!
Voice of Nabooru: We'll be right after this commercial break!
¤ The screen fades out and we can hear a faint beat that continually gets louder: it is none other than the "Macarena". There is no scenery, only a white background. There are backup dancers that are all doing random dance moves and singing. An announcer guy walks up holding a microwave meal of some kind. All the dancers sing to the tune of the "chorus" of the "Macarena". ¤
Dancers: HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEY CUCCO LADY!!!
Announcer: You've seen her around, but who knew that this quiet Kakarikan was such a great chef?
Dancers: HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEY CUCCO LADY!!!
Announcer: These great Cucco-lady meals are nutritious, delicious, and economicalistic!
Dancers: HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEY CUCCO LADY!!!
¤ The cucco lady from Kakariko village walks onto the "set" and holds up a plate of delicious-looking food. Her brand of meal, of course. ¤
Cucco Lady: Hello there, I'm the cucco lady from Kakariko village. My new line of microwave dinners is sure to be a hit! My cuccos are fed only artificially-flavored food pumped up with steroids to give you the juiciest, plumpest cucco you can find! And now, introducing our 1,000 year line: so full of preservatives, it's guaranteed to last at least 1,000 years!
Dancers: HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEY CUCCO LADY!!!
CL: So go to your local supermarket and pick some up!
Dancers: HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEY CUCCO LADY!!!
¤ The commercial ends, and we return to the show. ¤
¤ Tribe Solain: The group is trying to decide what to do about the food situation: apparently Ruto doesn't mind starving the camp for the sake of her "Frankie-poo". ¤
Ruto: Oh, Frankie! You just love Cheez-E-Puffs, don't you?
Link: Ruto, I'm hungry! Give us some for a change!
Ruto: But then my Frankie will starve to death!
Impa: Ruto, listen. You've got to let that thing go. It's survived perfectly well in the desert until now, and besides: you've used up a whole day's worth of rations in a matter of minutes! I'm afraid that unless you let that thing go or stop feeding it, you'll have to give up your share.
Saria: It's not fair that we have to starve because of that thing. It's enough that I'm in such close proximity to it! I think I'll go refill the canteens.
Link: I just filled them this morning! They're full!
Saria: Not anymore.
¤ Saria points to the pile of empty canteens. Frank has just received a luxury bath. ¤
Link and Impa: -_-'
¤ Tribe Tresaid: The group's morale seems to have gone up after eating something, and Rauru has agreed to only eat Cheez-E-Puffs if he will share with the rest of the group. The group is sitting by the campfire with "plates" of rice and rotisserie-style Leever. ¤
Malon: Wow, Darunia! I never knew you could cook!
Darunia: Well I couldn't have cooked without something to work with!
Rauru: This is much better than eating Cheez-E-Puffs all day!
Zelda: I'm just glad Rauru helped me find my arrows!
¤ Suddenly, something lands in Malon's plate. ¤
Malon: Ack!
Zelda: What the heck?!
Darunia: It's a snail!
Malon, Zelda, and Rauru: A SNAIL?!
Reader: What the---?
¤ We hear a familiar female voice screaming, continually getting nearer. ¤
FFV: I'M COMING, MY PRECIOUS FRAKNIE-POO!!! YOUR FISH---ah, erm……… ZORA PRINCESS IS COMING FOR YOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUUU!!!!!!!!!
¤ Everybody stands up, trying to see whom the voice is coming from. Soon Ruto comes sprinting over as if wild Dinalfos were chasing her. ¤
Ruto: FRANKIE! I'M HERE!!!
Zelda: RUTO?! What in Din's name are you DOING here?!
Ruto: I came to get my Frankie! (¤ To Frank ¤) Auntie Saria has quite the arm, doesn't she? Duszsh't shze?!
¤ Zelda rolls her eyes. ¤
Malon: You better get out of here!
Darunia: If you're found here you could get kicked off, or worse!
Rauru: Now go away. We're eating here!
Ruto: Really?! What are you eating?
Zelda: None of your business. Now go back to your camp.
¤ Ruto leans over so that her face is almost directly in Darunia's plate. ¤
Ruto: Mmmmmmm….. This smells great! Can I have some? Thanks!
¤ Ruto grabs all four plates and runs off. ¤
Zelda: RUTO!!! GET BACK HERE WITH OUR FOOD!!
¤ Zelda runs after Ruto and manages to grab one of the plates from Ruto, who immediately slaps it out of Zelda's hand. The plate goes flying and lands… ¤
Darunia: …..Right. In. The. Fire!!! AAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRGGGGHHHH!!!
Ruto: Ah…………..oops. Bye!
¤ Ruto runs off, leaving Tresaid to lament over a lost meal and an extinguished fire. ¤
¤ Tribe Solain: Ruto has run off in search of Frank. Link, Saria, and Impa are making sure that Frank never eats Cheez-E-Puffs again. EVER.
Impa: It's been so long since I've tasted real food!
Saria: It's been so long since I've been away from that snail!
Link: Sixth hourth?
¤ Link's mouth just happens to be full, and getting fuller by the second. ¤
Saria: That's disgusting!
Impa: Chew with your mouth closed!
Ruto (Voice): Oh, Frankie-poo! Here we are, back at camp! How about some nice Cheez-E-Puffs to go with our new meal?
Saria and Impa: Eep!
Link: Eepth!
¤ Link stashes the Cheez-E-Puffs in his bag and everyone goes into the tent, acting as if they were asleep. At that moment Ruto comes walking up. ¤
Ruto: Hey, where are the Cheez-E-Puffs?