Disclaimer: Me. Owner of nothing besides this storyline and a shity-ass
computer. Seriously.
~Wowies ^^ Thank you for all the great reviews! I finally reached 100+ reviews thanks to you guys! I never in a million years would think that people would actually like this story, let alone read it! I especially want to thank Insomni-maniac and Qui-ti for their many reviews, which were actually totally aside from the story, but I still loved them! It's great to know people actually have humor anymore in this life, lol. And Insomni- maniac, I totally agree with you, hip-hop needs to rot away forever, with the exception of that great song... Lol XD~
[A/N: Yes, yes... yet ANOTHER song-fic chapter, lol. But I just love adding song lyrics to the story. They depict the emotions and feelings so well. This song is Easier to Run, by Linkin Park (hell, yeah)]
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Best Deceptions: A Cowboy Bebop Fanfic
By: Katie S.
Rated: PG-13/ R ( sexual situations, language)
Category: Romance/ Drama
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Chapter 12: Wounds so deep
It was dark... cold... desolate... It was like I was in a never- ending nightmare. Images of Spike kept flooding my thoughts, his cool sultry voice echoing throughout my whole body. I knew I was alive. I could feel the pain... I could taste the tears... I could hear my cries... but it was like all of me wasn't there. Every once in a while, I could see a few beams of light piercing throughout the darkness, filling my heart with hope. But they would slowly dither away, and my heart would cry once again. But I didn't understand why I was mourning. I was the one who wanted to die. I was the one who had caused the pain. Why wasn't my heart perishing along with my useless my body? Why wasn't that flame inside of me burning out? Damn it! I needed to die! What could possibly be keeping me alive... No body cared about me... I was nothing...
Nothing at all....
~*~
I could hear voices... deep voices... they echoed through the silence. I screamed... but they did not hear me... I cried but they did not see me... Where was I? Why wouldn't they answer me? I wanted to go back to the beginning... I didn't want this... I didn't want to be lost and never found... Why did I meet Spike? I continued to scream, reciting Spike's name over and over. But I wasn't calling for him, I was detesting him and all he had brought upon me. But despite the hate my mind was forcing on me, my heart would not agree. It still quivered and cried into the silence of the darkness, pleaing for his every tender touch. I wanted everything and nothing all at the same time, and it was tearing my whole soul apart. My screaming slowly dwindled into helpless cries, spieling my sorrow for all my sins. I was tired... my body was aching... and my heart was no longer living. It was nothing more than an artificial contender of my emotions. My tears were parched and autistic, nothing but remnants of my broken past. I finally silenced myself, shivering in the cold darkness.
~
Its easier to run
Replacing this pain with something numb
It's so much easier to go
Than face all this pain here all alone
~
Just when I thought all hope was gone, my mind was beginning to register the heat radiating around my body, diminishing the frigid aura around me. The bright light was beginning to press its way through, finally shining its beauty upon me. My heart filled with hope, my dark eyes finally regaining their original warmth. I slowly fluttered my eyes open to a blurred mess, nothing but the color orange filling my view. I squinted my eyes at the unfamiliar light, blinking a few times to regain my vision. Before me stood an orange haired boy, his bright amber eyes wide with enthusiasm.
His smile widened, his bright eyes flashing with pure happiness. " SPIKE-PERSON!!! FAYE-FAYE IS WAKIE, WAKIE!!!" I covered my ears at his shrill voice. He sure didn't sound like a boy...
He sat down on top of me, shaking my hand rigorously. " I'm Ed..." He reached down, grasping a small dog by the collar and pulling it towards me. " And this is Ein!!"
I continued to stare in utter bewilderment. I had never seen such a strange boy in my life, and I was beginning to think he was a girl. And to top it off, I had just awoken from a long sleep in which I could've died any second. But I knew I was alive, the pain continued to scream at me, mocking my every move.
~
Something has been taken
From deep inside of me
A secret I've kept locked away
No one can ever see
~
I was beginning to think that I had really died and gone to heaven.... but when I saw... him... I knew the truth. He gazed at me with those eyes, as if I was the guilty one. I admit it. I had killed... but I had also encountered death along the way. I gazed back at him, forcing away the pain burning in my chest. He continued to stand at the end of the hallway, his chocolate eyes never leaving me. His empowering gaze was overcoming me, and I knew I was defeated. But why... why had he saved me?
He stepped towards me, finally breaking his gaze on me. " You're awake..." He made his way closer towards me, the orange-haired boy pressing his way through him and down the hallway, singing some off-key tune.
I glanced down at my bandaged body, the smell of blood refreshing my memory. I was supposed to die... I was supposed to go down with her... so where is she now? I was crying on the inside, forcing that artificial mask upon my face. I could never accept the things I had done... I had killed. I had lied. I had fallen in love with the enemy... but there was no stopping these things now... there was no way to alter what had already been done.
He stepped towards me, sitting down on the metal coffee table next to the couch. His eyes slowly traced up, gazing upon my quivering facade. Despite the force I was using to hide my pain, his eyes penetrated through me, reading my every emotion. He narrowed his eyes at me, his chocolate orbs flashing with anger.
" What gives you the right...." His eyes darted towards the metal floor as if he was regaining his conscience. But he didn't have to say anymore, I knew what he was talking about...
~
Wounds so deep they never show
They never go away
Like moving pictures in my head
For years and years they've played
~
" I didn't kill her..." My voice quivered, finally awakening from the long silence.
He clenched his fists, his mismatched eyes meeting mine once again. " What?"
I shook my head, swallowing nervously. " I said.... I didn't kill her..."
His eyes seethed with rage. " Don't lie to me!"
There were so many thing I could've said... so many things I wanted to say. But the pain was unbearable... inside and out... I couldn't speak... couldn't breathe... couldn't think...
He inched towards me, his breath quickening with rage. " ANSWER ME!!" His voice echoed throughout the whole room, piercing through the pain. But I didn't flinch... I couldn't...
I finally regained as much strength I could, letting my eyes rest upon him. " Spike... don't you understand? It was not her I was killing..." I motioned to my wounds, forcing away the tears. But I wasn't going to cry... I wasn't going to feel sorry for myself...
He shot me a confused look. " What?"
I took a deep breath, holding onto as much strength as I could. " I wouldn't of fired the gun if I knew I wasn't going down with her..." I was lying, but I didn't care... he would never listen to my side of the story anyways...
" What do you mean?"
His inconstant confusement was beginning to agitate me. How could he not understand what I was saying?! " God damn it Spike! She shot herself! Are you blind!" My voice rose dangerously, excrucitaing my pain. I coughed, hoping to magaically force away the painful surges throughout my injured body. I slouched down, shutting my eyes tightly.
~
If I could change, I would
Take back the pain, I would
Retrace every wrong move
That I've made, I would
~
He remained silent watching me closely. I felt broken... used... decieved. No one would ever understand me... no one... I was like that forgotten beauty hidden in the soft cool breeze. No one would ever find me, but I would always be there... always.
I gazed back at him intently, my eyes glazing over with tears. I wanted to scream at him... make him feel used... shatter him in every way possible. But my heart would not let me. It still held on tightly to that strange emotion welling deep inside of me.
I took a deep breath, holding onto as much energy as I could. I wasn't done with him. There were so many things I wanted to know... so many things I needed to know. I glanced down at my bloodied hands, tears pouring down my lifeless cheeks. But I wasn't crying for the pain or the wounds... I was crying for all the sin and hell I had thrown about. I felt so damn guilty... but why? What the hell why my problem? It was not me... it was not Julia... hell... it wasn't even Spike who had caused all the shit I had been through. It was life... and all its lies... all its shit... all it's fucking deceptions! No... I was not angry at Spike... Julia... Vicious... all those fuckers... I was not mad at them! I was mad at my useless, conniving life, always kicking me when I'm down...
But despite all of that... There was no running from life... no escaping its wrath... no defeating it. It would always control me... maybe someday I'll learn to merely laugh at life... someday...
~
Its easier to run
Replacing this pain with something numb
It's so much easier to go
Than face all this pain here all alone
~
I glanced back up at Spike, a determined look overcoming my helpless features. " But... why... why did you save me... why did you shoot her?"
His chocolate eyes widened, struck with utter shock. " W-what... what do you mean?"
I shut my eyes tightly, swallowing nervously. " I-I was going to die... s-she... was going to stab me... But you shot her... it was you,"
He shut his eyes tightly, taking a deep breath. " Nobody deserves to die..." His words were coarse and barely audible, salting the wounds even deeper. He was right... he was absolutely right... and it hurt me deeply to think so. I had killed. They had died... and it was all my fault... not my life's. There was no blaming life for that. They were MY actions... MINE... They were my sins...
My emerald eyes dimmed, fresh tears blurring my vision. I bit my lip, holding back the sobs. " N-nobody... yes..."
I tried, but I just couldn't hold it back anymore. I began sobbing uncontrollably, hunching my body over, pulling it into a tight ball. I buried my face into my knees, the pain shooting throughout my whole body, practically paralyzing my nerves. But I did not feel the pain on the outside... only on the inside...
He lunged towards me, pulling me into a tight embrace. " Faye!"
I pulled back, gazing back into his mismatched orbs. " I KILLED HIM DAMN IT!!" My voice was hoarse and raspy, and I wouldn't be suprised if he didn't understand a single word I said. But he did... his eyes told all...
His features softened, pressing into a sympathetic frown. " Calm down..." He stroked my hair gently, soothing my pain just by his gentle touch.
I gazed back into his amazing chocolate eyes, pulling him closer towards me. " Why... I didn't have to kill him... I didn't have to shoot her..." Warm tears stained my checks, collecting underneath my saddened eyes.
He wiped my tears away, his touch burning deep inside of me. " It's okay..."
I shot him a confused look. " But... Julia..."
He pulled away from me, leaving my body frigid and lifeless. " You accomplished my doing for me..."
~
Sometimes I remember
The darkness of my past
Bringing back these memories
I wish I didn't have
~
I gasped, my eyes widening in shock. " What?"
He sighed, returning to his position on the metal coffee table. " I wanted to kill her... I was going to kill her..." He paused, popping his knuckles to soothe his uneasiness. " But, I just couldn't do it..."
I gazed at him in utter bewilderment. He was going to kill his love... his angel... his Julia... It was too hard to believe... but maybe that's why he didn't really do it...
" I-I was only angry with you because... because I just couldn't believe it all... it was so hard to bear even thinking about it," He paused, biting his lip nervously, " So I blamed it all on you."
I gazed at him intently, a look of guilt drenching my crumbling facade. I felt terrible for all the times that I had hated him... all the times I wanted to blame the hurt on him. He was just the same as me... teetering between his feelings and his intuitions... searching for a forever answer for all the pain brought upon him.
He inched towards me, entwining his fingers in mine. " Faye... I-"
" SPIKE!!!!" I winced at the loud bellowing voice echoing throughout the whole damn room.
A tall bald man entered the room, his eyes widening at me. " Oh! You're awake Miss Valentine!"
I shot him a look of confusement, glancing back at Spike. He shrugged lightly, making his way towards the balding man. " What do you want Jet?"
The man ignored him, smiling widely at me as he made his way closer towards me. " How are you feeling?" He sat down on the coffee table that Spike had preoccupied when I awoke.
I continued to stare at him in confusement, addled by the fact that he knew so much about me. How long had I been asleep anyways? I glanced back down at my bandaged body, trying hard to consolidate all the facts. For some reason, I was having a very diffucult time thinking, let alone organizing the facts.
I glanced back up at the man, cocking my head to the side. " Exactly... how long have I been asleep?"
He gave me a strange look, glancing back at Spike momentarily. " You mean Spike didn't tell you what happened?"
I stared back at him, as if all his words were foriegn, my mouth agape slightly. I glanced back at Spike, giving him a jumbled look. He rolled his eyes, making his way back towards the musty yellow couch I was consumed in at the moment. " She's only been awake for like two minutes, Jet."
Jet rolled his eyes at the sarcasm in his voice, turning back towards me." Well... technically, you've been in a half-way coma for about a month."
My eyes widened. " What?"
~
Sometimes I think of letting go
And never looking back
And never moving forward
So there'd never be a past
~
" It's kinda hard to explain..." He paused, clearing his throat. " Your wounds... they were too extreme for regular surgery, so the doctors decided to use a new type of laser surgery. They had to put you in cryogeic sleep during the surgery."
By then, my mouth was gaping open as wide as it could get. I could not believe what I was hearing. " Cryogenic sleep?!"
He nodded. " After the surgery, they tried to successfully wake you, but your body was too weak. They decided to put you into a partial coma, one that you would wake from naturally when your body was rejuvinated."
I glanced down at my bloodied bandages, still perplexed by the whole thing. " But... you said laser surgery... what about these bandages?"
He chuckled lightly at my challenging intuition. " Those are just other wounds you had that weren't in need of surgery. The gunshot in the shoulder should only be a scar now."
I paused, refreshing my memory. Shoulder? I was aiming for my chest...
Noticing the perplexed look on my face, he cleared his throat, the warm smile on his face fading away. " Well... your lucky your aim was off anyway... it could of grazed your heart."
I glanced back at Spike, sending him a helpless look. He gazed back at me, his chocolate eyes penetrating me with guilt. He knew... They all knew... I was trying to kill myself, and it seemed so shunned upon. In truth, it really was a terrible thing to even think about, but... they just didn't know... they just didn't understand... All the pain. All the tears. All of it. Nobody knows...
~
Just watching it aside
All of the helplessness inside
Pretending I don't feel misplaced
Is so much simpler than change
~
I swallowed away the tears, shutting my eyes tightly. I felt like such a burden. Why had he gone through so much trouble just for me? For the one who had killed his love? He could of just let me perish along with everything else... but he didn't. He strived to keep me living... he strived to heal me...
Now, tell me... what do you call something like that? It could not be lust, for you do not care for the person, only their body. But it could not be love... Spike did not love me... I was not loved...
" Miss Valentine?" Jet's pondering voice penetrated the silence, my eyelids springing open. " Is there something wrong?"
I shook my head slightly, continuing to stare blanky at the steel wall ahead of me. " N-not really... just tired..."
He slowly stood up, making his way towards the hallway. " All right... if you need anything, just call. Spike, Ed, or me will gladly help." He waved slightly before making his way down the hallway until he was out of sight.
I gazed back at Spike with pleading eyes, watching him make his way towards me. " Why'd you do it Faye?"
My eyes darted towards the cold steel floor. " I-I don't know... I just couldn't take the pain..."
He remained silent, gazing at me intently. But the silence was killing me, I just couldn't take it anymore. " Why did you do it?"
He cocked his head to the side slighty, acting as if he didn't understand any word out of my mouth. But he knew... he knew exactly what I meant... " What?"
" Why did you save me again? Why didn't you let me die along with her..."
His eyes darted towards the floor as well, his body trembling with uneasiness. " I-uh... I don't know either..."
I glanced back up at him, but he continued to gaze at the cold floor below him. The aura around us was so unbelievably awkward, and I could barely stand it. Why couldn't I just tell him? Tell him everything... all my love... all my pain... all of it. I just couldn't say anything...
" I... I didn't go to the funeral..." His voice was broken, but full of so much emotion.
My eyes widened." What?"
He finally gazed back at me, his eyes glazed with tears. " I-I just couldn't... she didn't deserve a funeral..."
~
It's easier to run
If I could change I would
Take away all the pain I would
Retrace every wrong move I would
~
I remained silent, a concerned look etched across my weary face. I couldn't say anything... there was nothing to say. I reached towards him, running my fingers down his cheek. His eyes met with mine, chilling me down to the bone. I shivered lightly, but bravely began to trace my fingers across his lips and along his jawline. He continued to gaze back at me, his eyes never leaving mine. He slowly reached up, grasping my hand and placing it against his cheek. My breath caught in my chest, my heart pounding more and more by the second. I suddendly realized... moments like that... they were my reason for living. Even if Spike would never love me, I still had those moments where his touch was enough to keep me living. And truly, I didn't need his love... just being aroung him was enough for me.
I smiled lightly at him, but he still continued to gaze at me with those eyes. It was like some unknown emotion, something I'd never be able to read. I felt like he was reading my emotions... my thoughts... just with his amazing eyes.
He finally broke his gaze on me, placing my hand in my lap and slowly standing up. " If you need anything... I'll be in my room down the hall..." And with that... he left the room... leaving me to my thoughts.
But after he was gone...
My whole world seemed to plunge into that familiar frigid aura...
~
I would take all the shame to the grave....
~
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
How'd you like it? So sorry it took me so long to update = ( I've been so busy with school because report cards come out this week, and I wanted to maintain my 3.5 average that I strive so hard to acheive... and some how actually make, lol.
Anyways... I like this chapter for some reason. Don't know... maybe it's the emotions... maybe it's the fact that I finally introduced Ed, Ein, and Jet into the story ( lol)...
[ BTW: In this chapter, they are in the Bebop if any of you seem a little confused. The way the chapter flows, it seems like the are in a hospital, but they're not.]
Well, I hope you liked it! Please Review ^^
~Wowies ^^ Thank you for all the great reviews! I finally reached 100+ reviews thanks to you guys! I never in a million years would think that people would actually like this story, let alone read it! I especially want to thank Insomni-maniac and Qui-ti for their many reviews, which were actually totally aside from the story, but I still loved them! It's great to know people actually have humor anymore in this life, lol. And Insomni- maniac, I totally agree with you, hip-hop needs to rot away forever, with the exception of that great song... Lol XD~
[A/N: Yes, yes... yet ANOTHER song-fic chapter, lol. But I just love adding song lyrics to the story. They depict the emotions and feelings so well. This song is Easier to Run, by Linkin Park (hell, yeah)]
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Best Deceptions: A Cowboy Bebop Fanfic
By: Katie S.
Rated: PG-13/ R ( sexual situations, language)
Category: Romance/ Drama
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Chapter 12: Wounds so deep
It was dark... cold... desolate... It was like I was in a never- ending nightmare. Images of Spike kept flooding my thoughts, his cool sultry voice echoing throughout my whole body. I knew I was alive. I could feel the pain... I could taste the tears... I could hear my cries... but it was like all of me wasn't there. Every once in a while, I could see a few beams of light piercing throughout the darkness, filling my heart with hope. But they would slowly dither away, and my heart would cry once again. But I didn't understand why I was mourning. I was the one who wanted to die. I was the one who had caused the pain. Why wasn't my heart perishing along with my useless my body? Why wasn't that flame inside of me burning out? Damn it! I needed to die! What could possibly be keeping me alive... No body cared about me... I was nothing...
Nothing at all....
~*~
I could hear voices... deep voices... they echoed through the silence. I screamed... but they did not hear me... I cried but they did not see me... Where was I? Why wouldn't they answer me? I wanted to go back to the beginning... I didn't want this... I didn't want to be lost and never found... Why did I meet Spike? I continued to scream, reciting Spike's name over and over. But I wasn't calling for him, I was detesting him and all he had brought upon me. But despite the hate my mind was forcing on me, my heart would not agree. It still quivered and cried into the silence of the darkness, pleaing for his every tender touch. I wanted everything and nothing all at the same time, and it was tearing my whole soul apart. My screaming slowly dwindled into helpless cries, spieling my sorrow for all my sins. I was tired... my body was aching... and my heart was no longer living. It was nothing more than an artificial contender of my emotions. My tears were parched and autistic, nothing but remnants of my broken past. I finally silenced myself, shivering in the cold darkness.
~
Its easier to run
Replacing this pain with something numb
It's so much easier to go
Than face all this pain here all alone
~
Just when I thought all hope was gone, my mind was beginning to register the heat radiating around my body, diminishing the frigid aura around me. The bright light was beginning to press its way through, finally shining its beauty upon me. My heart filled with hope, my dark eyes finally regaining their original warmth. I slowly fluttered my eyes open to a blurred mess, nothing but the color orange filling my view. I squinted my eyes at the unfamiliar light, blinking a few times to regain my vision. Before me stood an orange haired boy, his bright amber eyes wide with enthusiasm.
His smile widened, his bright eyes flashing with pure happiness. " SPIKE-PERSON!!! FAYE-FAYE IS WAKIE, WAKIE!!!" I covered my ears at his shrill voice. He sure didn't sound like a boy...
He sat down on top of me, shaking my hand rigorously. " I'm Ed..." He reached down, grasping a small dog by the collar and pulling it towards me. " And this is Ein!!"
I continued to stare in utter bewilderment. I had never seen such a strange boy in my life, and I was beginning to think he was a girl. And to top it off, I had just awoken from a long sleep in which I could've died any second. But I knew I was alive, the pain continued to scream at me, mocking my every move.
~
Something has been taken
From deep inside of me
A secret I've kept locked away
No one can ever see
~
I was beginning to think that I had really died and gone to heaven.... but when I saw... him... I knew the truth. He gazed at me with those eyes, as if I was the guilty one. I admit it. I had killed... but I had also encountered death along the way. I gazed back at him, forcing away the pain burning in my chest. He continued to stand at the end of the hallway, his chocolate eyes never leaving me. His empowering gaze was overcoming me, and I knew I was defeated. But why... why had he saved me?
He stepped towards me, finally breaking his gaze on me. " You're awake..." He made his way closer towards me, the orange-haired boy pressing his way through him and down the hallway, singing some off-key tune.
I glanced down at my bandaged body, the smell of blood refreshing my memory. I was supposed to die... I was supposed to go down with her... so where is she now? I was crying on the inside, forcing that artificial mask upon my face. I could never accept the things I had done... I had killed. I had lied. I had fallen in love with the enemy... but there was no stopping these things now... there was no way to alter what had already been done.
He stepped towards me, sitting down on the metal coffee table next to the couch. His eyes slowly traced up, gazing upon my quivering facade. Despite the force I was using to hide my pain, his eyes penetrated through me, reading my every emotion. He narrowed his eyes at me, his chocolate orbs flashing with anger.
" What gives you the right...." His eyes darted towards the metal floor as if he was regaining his conscience. But he didn't have to say anymore, I knew what he was talking about...
~
Wounds so deep they never show
They never go away
Like moving pictures in my head
For years and years they've played
~
" I didn't kill her..." My voice quivered, finally awakening from the long silence.
He clenched his fists, his mismatched eyes meeting mine once again. " What?"
I shook my head, swallowing nervously. " I said.... I didn't kill her..."
His eyes seethed with rage. " Don't lie to me!"
There were so many thing I could've said... so many things I wanted to say. But the pain was unbearable... inside and out... I couldn't speak... couldn't breathe... couldn't think...
He inched towards me, his breath quickening with rage. " ANSWER ME!!" His voice echoed throughout the whole room, piercing through the pain. But I didn't flinch... I couldn't...
I finally regained as much strength I could, letting my eyes rest upon him. " Spike... don't you understand? It was not her I was killing..." I motioned to my wounds, forcing away the tears. But I wasn't going to cry... I wasn't going to feel sorry for myself...
He shot me a confused look. " What?"
I took a deep breath, holding onto as much strength as I could. " I wouldn't of fired the gun if I knew I wasn't going down with her..." I was lying, but I didn't care... he would never listen to my side of the story anyways...
" What do you mean?"
His inconstant confusement was beginning to agitate me. How could he not understand what I was saying?! " God damn it Spike! She shot herself! Are you blind!" My voice rose dangerously, excrucitaing my pain. I coughed, hoping to magaically force away the painful surges throughout my injured body. I slouched down, shutting my eyes tightly.
~
If I could change, I would
Take back the pain, I would
Retrace every wrong move
That I've made, I would
~
He remained silent watching me closely. I felt broken... used... decieved. No one would ever understand me... no one... I was like that forgotten beauty hidden in the soft cool breeze. No one would ever find me, but I would always be there... always.
I gazed back at him intently, my eyes glazing over with tears. I wanted to scream at him... make him feel used... shatter him in every way possible. But my heart would not let me. It still held on tightly to that strange emotion welling deep inside of me.
I took a deep breath, holding onto as much energy as I could. I wasn't done with him. There were so many things I wanted to know... so many things I needed to know. I glanced down at my bloodied hands, tears pouring down my lifeless cheeks. But I wasn't crying for the pain or the wounds... I was crying for all the sin and hell I had thrown about. I felt so damn guilty... but why? What the hell why my problem? It was not me... it was not Julia... hell... it wasn't even Spike who had caused all the shit I had been through. It was life... and all its lies... all its shit... all it's fucking deceptions! No... I was not angry at Spike... Julia... Vicious... all those fuckers... I was not mad at them! I was mad at my useless, conniving life, always kicking me when I'm down...
But despite all of that... There was no running from life... no escaping its wrath... no defeating it. It would always control me... maybe someday I'll learn to merely laugh at life... someday...
~
Its easier to run
Replacing this pain with something numb
It's so much easier to go
Than face all this pain here all alone
~
I glanced back up at Spike, a determined look overcoming my helpless features. " But... why... why did you save me... why did you shoot her?"
His chocolate eyes widened, struck with utter shock. " W-what... what do you mean?"
I shut my eyes tightly, swallowing nervously. " I-I was going to die... s-she... was going to stab me... But you shot her... it was you,"
He shut his eyes tightly, taking a deep breath. " Nobody deserves to die..." His words were coarse and barely audible, salting the wounds even deeper. He was right... he was absolutely right... and it hurt me deeply to think so. I had killed. They had died... and it was all my fault... not my life's. There was no blaming life for that. They were MY actions... MINE... They were my sins...
My emerald eyes dimmed, fresh tears blurring my vision. I bit my lip, holding back the sobs. " N-nobody... yes..."
I tried, but I just couldn't hold it back anymore. I began sobbing uncontrollably, hunching my body over, pulling it into a tight ball. I buried my face into my knees, the pain shooting throughout my whole body, practically paralyzing my nerves. But I did not feel the pain on the outside... only on the inside...
He lunged towards me, pulling me into a tight embrace. " Faye!"
I pulled back, gazing back into his mismatched orbs. " I KILLED HIM DAMN IT!!" My voice was hoarse and raspy, and I wouldn't be suprised if he didn't understand a single word I said. But he did... his eyes told all...
His features softened, pressing into a sympathetic frown. " Calm down..." He stroked my hair gently, soothing my pain just by his gentle touch.
I gazed back into his amazing chocolate eyes, pulling him closer towards me. " Why... I didn't have to kill him... I didn't have to shoot her..." Warm tears stained my checks, collecting underneath my saddened eyes.
He wiped my tears away, his touch burning deep inside of me. " It's okay..."
I shot him a confused look. " But... Julia..."
He pulled away from me, leaving my body frigid and lifeless. " You accomplished my doing for me..."
~
Sometimes I remember
The darkness of my past
Bringing back these memories
I wish I didn't have
~
I gasped, my eyes widening in shock. " What?"
He sighed, returning to his position on the metal coffee table. " I wanted to kill her... I was going to kill her..." He paused, popping his knuckles to soothe his uneasiness. " But, I just couldn't do it..."
I gazed at him in utter bewilderment. He was going to kill his love... his angel... his Julia... It was too hard to believe... but maybe that's why he didn't really do it...
" I-I was only angry with you because... because I just couldn't believe it all... it was so hard to bear even thinking about it," He paused, biting his lip nervously, " So I blamed it all on you."
I gazed at him intently, a look of guilt drenching my crumbling facade. I felt terrible for all the times that I had hated him... all the times I wanted to blame the hurt on him. He was just the same as me... teetering between his feelings and his intuitions... searching for a forever answer for all the pain brought upon him.
He inched towards me, entwining his fingers in mine. " Faye... I-"
" SPIKE!!!!" I winced at the loud bellowing voice echoing throughout the whole damn room.
A tall bald man entered the room, his eyes widening at me. " Oh! You're awake Miss Valentine!"
I shot him a look of confusement, glancing back at Spike. He shrugged lightly, making his way towards the balding man. " What do you want Jet?"
The man ignored him, smiling widely at me as he made his way closer towards me. " How are you feeling?" He sat down on the coffee table that Spike had preoccupied when I awoke.
I continued to stare at him in confusement, addled by the fact that he knew so much about me. How long had I been asleep anyways? I glanced back down at my bandaged body, trying hard to consolidate all the facts. For some reason, I was having a very diffucult time thinking, let alone organizing the facts.
I glanced back up at the man, cocking my head to the side. " Exactly... how long have I been asleep?"
He gave me a strange look, glancing back at Spike momentarily. " You mean Spike didn't tell you what happened?"
I stared back at him, as if all his words were foriegn, my mouth agape slightly. I glanced back at Spike, giving him a jumbled look. He rolled his eyes, making his way back towards the musty yellow couch I was consumed in at the moment. " She's only been awake for like two minutes, Jet."
Jet rolled his eyes at the sarcasm in his voice, turning back towards me." Well... technically, you've been in a half-way coma for about a month."
My eyes widened. " What?"
~
Sometimes I think of letting go
And never looking back
And never moving forward
So there'd never be a past
~
" It's kinda hard to explain..." He paused, clearing his throat. " Your wounds... they were too extreme for regular surgery, so the doctors decided to use a new type of laser surgery. They had to put you in cryogeic sleep during the surgery."
By then, my mouth was gaping open as wide as it could get. I could not believe what I was hearing. " Cryogenic sleep?!"
He nodded. " After the surgery, they tried to successfully wake you, but your body was too weak. They decided to put you into a partial coma, one that you would wake from naturally when your body was rejuvinated."
I glanced down at my bloodied bandages, still perplexed by the whole thing. " But... you said laser surgery... what about these bandages?"
He chuckled lightly at my challenging intuition. " Those are just other wounds you had that weren't in need of surgery. The gunshot in the shoulder should only be a scar now."
I paused, refreshing my memory. Shoulder? I was aiming for my chest...
Noticing the perplexed look on my face, he cleared his throat, the warm smile on his face fading away. " Well... your lucky your aim was off anyway... it could of grazed your heart."
I glanced back at Spike, sending him a helpless look. He gazed back at me, his chocolate eyes penetrating me with guilt. He knew... They all knew... I was trying to kill myself, and it seemed so shunned upon. In truth, it really was a terrible thing to even think about, but... they just didn't know... they just didn't understand... All the pain. All the tears. All of it. Nobody knows...
~
Just watching it aside
All of the helplessness inside
Pretending I don't feel misplaced
Is so much simpler than change
~
I swallowed away the tears, shutting my eyes tightly. I felt like such a burden. Why had he gone through so much trouble just for me? For the one who had killed his love? He could of just let me perish along with everything else... but he didn't. He strived to keep me living... he strived to heal me...
Now, tell me... what do you call something like that? It could not be lust, for you do not care for the person, only their body. But it could not be love... Spike did not love me... I was not loved...
" Miss Valentine?" Jet's pondering voice penetrated the silence, my eyelids springing open. " Is there something wrong?"
I shook my head slightly, continuing to stare blanky at the steel wall ahead of me. " N-not really... just tired..."
He slowly stood up, making his way towards the hallway. " All right... if you need anything, just call. Spike, Ed, or me will gladly help." He waved slightly before making his way down the hallway until he was out of sight.
I gazed back at Spike with pleading eyes, watching him make his way towards me. " Why'd you do it Faye?"
My eyes darted towards the cold steel floor. " I-I don't know... I just couldn't take the pain..."
He remained silent, gazing at me intently. But the silence was killing me, I just couldn't take it anymore. " Why did you do it?"
He cocked his head to the side slighty, acting as if he didn't understand any word out of my mouth. But he knew... he knew exactly what I meant... " What?"
" Why did you save me again? Why didn't you let me die along with her..."
His eyes darted towards the floor as well, his body trembling with uneasiness. " I-uh... I don't know either..."
I glanced back up at him, but he continued to gaze at the cold floor below him. The aura around us was so unbelievably awkward, and I could barely stand it. Why couldn't I just tell him? Tell him everything... all my love... all my pain... all of it. I just couldn't say anything...
" I... I didn't go to the funeral..." His voice was broken, but full of so much emotion.
My eyes widened." What?"
He finally gazed back at me, his eyes glazed with tears. " I-I just couldn't... she didn't deserve a funeral..."
~
It's easier to run
If I could change I would
Take away all the pain I would
Retrace every wrong move I would
~
I remained silent, a concerned look etched across my weary face. I couldn't say anything... there was nothing to say. I reached towards him, running my fingers down his cheek. His eyes met with mine, chilling me down to the bone. I shivered lightly, but bravely began to trace my fingers across his lips and along his jawline. He continued to gaze back at me, his eyes never leaving mine. He slowly reached up, grasping my hand and placing it against his cheek. My breath caught in my chest, my heart pounding more and more by the second. I suddendly realized... moments like that... they were my reason for living. Even if Spike would never love me, I still had those moments where his touch was enough to keep me living. And truly, I didn't need his love... just being aroung him was enough for me.
I smiled lightly at him, but he still continued to gaze at me with those eyes. It was like some unknown emotion, something I'd never be able to read. I felt like he was reading my emotions... my thoughts... just with his amazing eyes.
He finally broke his gaze on me, placing my hand in my lap and slowly standing up. " If you need anything... I'll be in my room down the hall..." And with that... he left the room... leaving me to my thoughts.
But after he was gone...
My whole world seemed to plunge into that familiar frigid aura...
~
I would take all the shame to the grave....
~
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How'd you like it? So sorry it took me so long to update = ( I've been so busy with school because report cards come out this week, and I wanted to maintain my 3.5 average that I strive so hard to acheive... and some how actually make, lol.
Anyways... I like this chapter for some reason. Don't know... maybe it's the emotions... maybe it's the fact that I finally introduced Ed, Ein, and Jet into the story ( lol)...
[ BTW: In this chapter, they are in the Bebop if any of you seem a little confused. The way the chapter flows, it seems like the are in a hospital, but they're not.]
Well, I hope you liked it! Please Review ^^