Disclaimer: Me. Owner of nothing besides this storyline and a shity-ass
computer. Seriously. (lyrics by Kiley Dean... or her songwriter..whichever,
I don't own them.)
[A/N: OMG. I'm so sorry I haven't updated in forever. I've been so so busy with school, and I just got over a horrible, horrible sickness. Well, I promise I'll make this chapter make up for it.... hopefullyXD...]
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Best Deceptions: A Cowboy Bebop Fanfic
By: Katie S.
Rated: PG-13/ R ( sexual situations, language)
Category: Romance/ Drama
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Chapter 13: Bleeding It All Away
It's amazing how much your life can change in the matter of a couple weeks. It's like everything around is just the way you want it... or even more, but then, you find yourself awaking inside the eyes of a stranger. Where is this foreign place you've come to be? And most of all, how the hell did you get there? You find yourself fighting to trace back all the choices you've made, all the battles you've encountered. But the more and more you try to discover what has happened, you find yourself standing on the front line of your own Vietnam. All the blood shed... all the tears... all the wasted dreams... how had the showered themself upon you so abruptly?
This is what I fought to uncover every morning I awoke since that fated day I met Spike. Because I was living in my own Vietnam... I was bleeding myself to death with all the suffering. But I was so sick and tired of questioning myself, because it was not my fault. None of it. All the deaths... every bit of the mother fucking nightmare that had burrowed its way into my life, it was not my fault. And even if it was, there was no use blaming myself, because I had to fight back, I was NOT going to let myself die away. There is no use in letting yourself bleed, because every pint of sweat saves a gallon of blood.
But what happens when there's no more sweat inside of you?
Well, let's just say you can't preserve your blood anymore...
And inside, I really believed that Spike was holding everything inside of me captive...
~*~
~
Sometimes my world's not turning
Wonder will my life
Just fade away
~
It had been two weeks since I awoke from cryogenic sleep, and my wounds were healing up quite well... but I still felt the pain. I continued to cry myself to sleep every night, because inside, I knew that I would never heal. I spent more time in my kindly donated room on the Bebop, forcefully trying to scratch away the itch deep inside of me. I never slept. Sleeping to me was finally getting time to actually lay my useless body down and calm my twitching insomnia. But I never closed my eyes. I was deathly afraid of the nightmares that would haunt me in my sleep. I was litterally going insane, and it seemed the only thing that would calm me down was popping a few pills or at least being in the presence of the one man who had started the hell in the first place. And its so funny... the one person you hate... is the one person you love...
Or at least it seemed that way to me.
But I didn't really see much of Spike. It seemed he conviently always had bounties to go on, and he was litterly gone 20 hours out of the day. But those four hours he would actually come to the Bebop and crash on that musty yellow couch, I was the happiest ever, and he knew it. There was no hiding from those vigil eyes I constantly had perched upon him. But we never spoke. I couldn't... and I'm not so sure he could either. The most we ever said to each other was "pass the milk" at supper time. I never brought up the past, and neither did he. But each day that passed without avouching to that brutal past I held with him, the guilt and vehemence inside of me only intensified. Because there was no denying what had happened, and we both knew it. But it was like we held fear for some reason. But it was not the usual panicky fear, it was different... implicit... corrosive. I wanted so badly to tear that fear away, and face up to it all... finally admit to that burning love that was slowly eating away at my heart. But the question was... Can you really escape when your being held behind bars?
~
Situations grab my mind and
I can't see myself escaping
All the pain
~
But despite all of the hell I was still living in, I finally felt like I held my own family at the Bebop. Everyday when I awoke, and every night when I laid restless in my bed, Jet, Ed, Ein, and, yes, even Spike, were truly the only things keeping my alive. They were the one thing that I was holding onto in reality. Being with them almost made me forget the pain, because having a family is just one of those many things I had never encountered. It was one of those many things I had lied about my whole life, because I did not have a past. I truly had no idea who my real realitives were. But that was just one of the things I had put aside, in hope that one day I could strangely cross the path to my REAL life.
And truly... the Bebop was my real life. And I was not to worry about that missing piece inside of me.
Living at the Bebop, I gained many things. Jet was like a father to me, Ed was like a sister to me, and strangely, that stupid mutt felt like a brother to me. Everytime I cried, Ein was there to whimper away the tears. Everytime I felt down, Ed was there to temporarily turn that frown into a smile... and everytime I needed guidance, Jet was always there, trimming his bonsai plants with the best advice you could ever imagine.
But right now, you're probably wondering... What about Spike?
And really, what about Spike? You tell me. I'm still dying to know...
~
Should I
Go far away?
Should I
Stay another day?
~
Even through all the benignity, I still fought the need to pack my suitcases and leave every single night. I felt welcomed and gratified by their mercy, but I also felt forbidden and exiled by all the sin engraved in my heart. But every night before I closed the front door behind me, I came to realize, that the one thing I needed... the one thing I wanted... was Spike's love. So I would shamefully turn back around, drag myself back through the Bebop door and towards that musty yellow couch, and gaze upon the sleeping form of the one drug that I was indeed addicted to. I would stand there motionless for countless amounts of time, tracing my thirsty eyes along every feature of that perfect nightmare. And just before I would turn to leave, I would bravely lean my flimsy body closer towards him, taking in every scent that lingered in his aura. After I had memorized that refreshingly manly scent of cigarette smoke, Curve cologne, and a special sweetness, I would audaciously lean my pale-stricken lips in and lighty brush them against his warm, damp lips. And during that one tonic moment of my life, I really did not give a shit if he awoke or not, because it was my addiction, and there was no turning back.
But after I had dragged my lifeless self into my bedroom, and gazed back into the mirror to see the true person I had become, I would always feel the tears pressing their way past my glazed eyes. Who was this person staring back at me? It was not Faye Valentine... It was not that girl I used to know...
And I'm sure many of you would agree...
I had become the mannequin controlled by the life of another...
~
I need you now
Take me
A miracle's
What I need
~
But one night, everything had finally eaten away all of my patience, and I realized- I was mother-fucking tired of waiting. I wanted to know... I needed to know, if my feelings were one-sided. My love for him had slowly grown into this dominating madness that I could no longer control with a pill or a drug, and I knew this. But I still continued to pop the pills in my mouth, dousing them with the nearest form a water I could find. After about eight pills and about a fifth of Vodka, my body had litterally become nothing but a trembling neurotic. It was the most I had ever taken at one time, and my body was definitely responding intolerably. But the constant drugging was changing my visions, and this odd assurance was growing and growing. I took one look in the mirror and forced the most insane smirk I had ever held upon my pale face. I shook my head to clear the blurriness veering my visions, but inevitably, that did nothing but increase it. After countless deep breaths, I shakily spun around, making my way out of my bedroom, my pace increasing with each step. The hallway seemed a bit longer than usual, and it seemed to spiral a bit to the left, but I still continued, fumbling more and more with each step. When I finally reached the sitting room, I barely begun to feel the tears streaming down my numb face.
But when I gazed upon him....
My whole body froze.
There he was. Staring back at me with that familiar leery look plastered upon his face.
And he spoke to me... truly spoke to me... for the first time in two weeks.
~
Cloudy days
Bring salty rain back
Doesn't mean a thing
My life's in vain
~
" You're up late..."
I continued to stare back at him, my eyes wide and glassy.
He looked me up and down, realizing the state my body was in. And I swear, a look of fear overcame his face... but maybe it was just the drugs...
He moved towards me, and my mind was racing, telling me to run, but my trembling body stayed frozen.
" Faye... why?"
I swallowed hard, forcing away the burning pain in my stomach. I wanted to speak... but I just couldn't...
He stepped closer and closer, his body heat slowly radiating itself upon me, giving me that familiar high. I fumbled a bit, practically stumbling to the ground, finally realizing how difficult it was to continue standing. He grasped my arm tightly, pulling me towards him. My eyes widened, realizing our proximity.
" Stop it!" My voice was shaky, yet still audible.
I tried hard to struggle away from him, but his grip was too tight. My visions began to blur, and I felt myself slowly slipping away. He pressed me into a tight embrace, collapsing on the couch, gracelessly bringing my limp body along with him.
~
I'm not sure
I know this feeling
Some things just don't make sense
They seem so strange
~
My panting slowly dwindled away as my visions cleared. My dim eyes widened as I stared back into his amazing mismatched eyes.
" Spike..." My lips quivered, my body continuing to tremble.
" Faye..." He wrapped his arms around my body, containing the warmth between us.
He slowly leaned in, but I just couldn't, there were things I needed to know. " Why..." It was about all I could get out of my mouth at the moment, but the by the look on his face, it was enough...
He swallowed nervously, letting his eyes linger past me." I... I don't know what you mean..."
I narrowed my eyes at him. " W-what about... Julia?"
His eyes widened, but he still continued to gaze past me. " W-what?"
" W-what about them? Their dead Spike! Why can't you say anything?!" My voice arose for the first time that night, and the burning pain in my stomach only increased.
" Why does it matter!" He forcefully shoved me into the couch, letting his body press against mine.
I swallowed away the tears, taking a deep breath. " I-I just can't forget that night... It's too hard... I should've died Spike..."
~
I'm wondering why
Inside tonight
Can't find my way
~
He shook his head, letting his forehead rest against mine. " No... I could never let that happen... you're...you're..." He sighed, shutting his eyes tightly.
Despite the drugs in my system, I was catching on, hearing everything... down to the last breath. " Why are you doing this?"
" Doing what Faye? What AM I doing?" He tightened his grip on my arm, cringing his teeth tightly.
" I'm so confused..."
" So... am I... I just can't stop..." He leaned closer, pressing his cheek against mine.
My heartbeat was increasing, my mind racing, and I realized... this is really what I wanted along... this is all I needed...
Realizing how stiff my body had become, he slowly pushed away, gazing back into my eyes. " What..."
~
It's so bad
Oh, I still cry
Can't find my way
~
I shut my eyes tightly, sighing lightly. " Spike... don't you understand?"
I look of confusion overcame hs face. " Huh?"
Fresh tears pressed against my lashes, but I forcefully shoved them away. " You're... you are what keeps me living..."
" What?"
I shook my head in anger. Why wasn't he understanding? " I can't live with out you... I'm so addicted..." After numerous attempts to force away the tears, I finally gave in, letting them stream down my pale cheeks.
" What are you saying?"
" Damn it Spike! I'm in love with you! Why can't you understand that!?" I began strugging away from him, my breathing slowly dwindling into helpless panting.
~
At a crossroad
Tell me which way to choose
Can't figure it out
Can't make a move
~
" Faye..."
I pushed him away from me, searching for the best way to escape it all. I let my body collapse to the ground, and I frantically crawled as fast as I could away from him. He reached for me, but I was too ecstatic. I shakily stood, breaking into a run towards the bathroom. I could hear him calling me, but I still continued, slamming the bathroom door behind me, and hurling myself towards the toliet.
There were a few more things I needed to get out of my system...
~
A miracle is what I need....
~
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Yay! I'm finally finished! Sorry it took so long! I hope you like it! Well, I'm off the eat some turkey and stuffing. Don't forget to review and tell me what you think!
Happy Thanksgiving!!
[A/N: OMG. I'm so sorry I haven't updated in forever. I've been so so busy with school, and I just got over a horrible, horrible sickness. Well, I promise I'll make this chapter make up for it.... hopefullyXD...]
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Best Deceptions: A Cowboy Bebop Fanfic
By: Katie S.
Rated: PG-13/ R ( sexual situations, language)
Category: Romance/ Drama
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Chapter 13: Bleeding It All Away
It's amazing how much your life can change in the matter of a couple weeks. It's like everything around is just the way you want it... or even more, but then, you find yourself awaking inside the eyes of a stranger. Where is this foreign place you've come to be? And most of all, how the hell did you get there? You find yourself fighting to trace back all the choices you've made, all the battles you've encountered. But the more and more you try to discover what has happened, you find yourself standing on the front line of your own Vietnam. All the blood shed... all the tears... all the wasted dreams... how had the showered themself upon you so abruptly?
This is what I fought to uncover every morning I awoke since that fated day I met Spike. Because I was living in my own Vietnam... I was bleeding myself to death with all the suffering. But I was so sick and tired of questioning myself, because it was not my fault. None of it. All the deaths... every bit of the mother fucking nightmare that had burrowed its way into my life, it was not my fault. And even if it was, there was no use blaming myself, because I had to fight back, I was NOT going to let myself die away. There is no use in letting yourself bleed, because every pint of sweat saves a gallon of blood.
But what happens when there's no more sweat inside of you?
Well, let's just say you can't preserve your blood anymore...
And inside, I really believed that Spike was holding everything inside of me captive...
~*~
~
Sometimes my world's not turning
Wonder will my life
Just fade away
~
It had been two weeks since I awoke from cryogenic sleep, and my wounds were healing up quite well... but I still felt the pain. I continued to cry myself to sleep every night, because inside, I knew that I would never heal. I spent more time in my kindly donated room on the Bebop, forcefully trying to scratch away the itch deep inside of me. I never slept. Sleeping to me was finally getting time to actually lay my useless body down and calm my twitching insomnia. But I never closed my eyes. I was deathly afraid of the nightmares that would haunt me in my sleep. I was litterally going insane, and it seemed the only thing that would calm me down was popping a few pills or at least being in the presence of the one man who had started the hell in the first place. And its so funny... the one person you hate... is the one person you love...
Or at least it seemed that way to me.
But I didn't really see much of Spike. It seemed he conviently always had bounties to go on, and he was litterly gone 20 hours out of the day. But those four hours he would actually come to the Bebop and crash on that musty yellow couch, I was the happiest ever, and he knew it. There was no hiding from those vigil eyes I constantly had perched upon him. But we never spoke. I couldn't... and I'm not so sure he could either. The most we ever said to each other was "pass the milk" at supper time. I never brought up the past, and neither did he. But each day that passed without avouching to that brutal past I held with him, the guilt and vehemence inside of me only intensified. Because there was no denying what had happened, and we both knew it. But it was like we held fear for some reason. But it was not the usual panicky fear, it was different... implicit... corrosive. I wanted so badly to tear that fear away, and face up to it all... finally admit to that burning love that was slowly eating away at my heart. But the question was... Can you really escape when your being held behind bars?
~
Situations grab my mind and
I can't see myself escaping
All the pain
~
But despite all of the hell I was still living in, I finally felt like I held my own family at the Bebop. Everyday when I awoke, and every night when I laid restless in my bed, Jet, Ed, Ein, and, yes, even Spike, were truly the only things keeping my alive. They were the one thing that I was holding onto in reality. Being with them almost made me forget the pain, because having a family is just one of those many things I had never encountered. It was one of those many things I had lied about my whole life, because I did not have a past. I truly had no idea who my real realitives were. But that was just one of the things I had put aside, in hope that one day I could strangely cross the path to my REAL life.
And truly... the Bebop was my real life. And I was not to worry about that missing piece inside of me.
Living at the Bebop, I gained many things. Jet was like a father to me, Ed was like a sister to me, and strangely, that stupid mutt felt like a brother to me. Everytime I cried, Ein was there to whimper away the tears. Everytime I felt down, Ed was there to temporarily turn that frown into a smile... and everytime I needed guidance, Jet was always there, trimming his bonsai plants with the best advice you could ever imagine.
But right now, you're probably wondering... What about Spike?
And really, what about Spike? You tell me. I'm still dying to know...
~
Should I
Go far away?
Should I
Stay another day?
~
Even through all the benignity, I still fought the need to pack my suitcases and leave every single night. I felt welcomed and gratified by their mercy, but I also felt forbidden and exiled by all the sin engraved in my heart. But every night before I closed the front door behind me, I came to realize, that the one thing I needed... the one thing I wanted... was Spike's love. So I would shamefully turn back around, drag myself back through the Bebop door and towards that musty yellow couch, and gaze upon the sleeping form of the one drug that I was indeed addicted to. I would stand there motionless for countless amounts of time, tracing my thirsty eyes along every feature of that perfect nightmare. And just before I would turn to leave, I would bravely lean my flimsy body closer towards him, taking in every scent that lingered in his aura. After I had memorized that refreshingly manly scent of cigarette smoke, Curve cologne, and a special sweetness, I would audaciously lean my pale-stricken lips in and lighty brush them against his warm, damp lips. And during that one tonic moment of my life, I really did not give a shit if he awoke or not, because it was my addiction, and there was no turning back.
But after I had dragged my lifeless self into my bedroom, and gazed back into the mirror to see the true person I had become, I would always feel the tears pressing their way past my glazed eyes. Who was this person staring back at me? It was not Faye Valentine... It was not that girl I used to know...
And I'm sure many of you would agree...
I had become the mannequin controlled by the life of another...
~
I need you now
Take me
A miracle's
What I need
~
But one night, everything had finally eaten away all of my patience, and I realized- I was mother-fucking tired of waiting. I wanted to know... I needed to know, if my feelings were one-sided. My love for him had slowly grown into this dominating madness that I could no longer control with a pill or a drug, and I knew this. But I still continued to pop the pills in my mouth, dousing them with the nearest form a water I could find. After about eight pills and about a fifth of Vodka, my body had litterally become nothing but a trembling neurotic. It was the most I had ever taken at one time, and my body was definitely responding intolerably. But the constant drugging was changing my visions, and this odd assurance was growing and growing. I took one look in the mirror and forced the most insane smirk I had ever held upon my pale face. I shook my head to clear the blurriness veering my visions, but inevitably, that did nothing but increase it. After countless deep breaths, I shakily spun around, making my way out of my bedroom, my pace increasing with each step. The hallway seemed a bit longer than usual, and it seemed to spiral a bit to the left, but I still continued, fumbling more and more with each step. When I finally reached the sitting room, I barely begun to feel the tears streaming down my numb face.
But when I gazed upon him....
My whole body froze.
There he was. Staring back at me with that familiar leery look plastered upon his face.
And he spoke to me... truly spoke to me... for the first time in two weeks.
~
Cloudy days
Bring salty rain back
Doesn't mean a thing
My life's in vain
~
" You're up late..."
I continued to stare back at him, my eyes wide and glassy.
He looked me up and down, realizing the state my body was in. And I swear, a look of fear overcame his face... but maybe it was just the drugs...
He moved towards me, and my mind was racing, telling me to run, but my trembling body stayed frozen.
" Faye... why?"
I swallowed hard, forcing away the burning pain in my stomach. I wanted to speak... but I just couldn't...
He stepped closer and closer, his body heat slowly radiating itself upon me, giving me that familiar high. I fumbled a bit, practically stumbling to the ground, finally realizing how difficult it was to continue standing. He grasped my arm tightly, pulling me towards him. My eyes widened, realizing our proximity.
" Stop it!" My voice was shaky, yet still audible.
I tried hard to struggle away from him, but his grip was too tight. My visions began to blur, and I felt myself slowly slipping away. He pressed me into a tight embrace, collapsing on the couch, gracelessly bringing my limp body along with him.
~
I'm not sure
I know this feeling
Some things just don't make sense
They seem so strange
~
My panting slowly dwindled away as my visions cleared. My dim eyes widened as I stared back into his amazing mismatched eyes.
" Spike..." My lips quivered, my body continuing to tremble.
" Faye..." He wrapped his arms around my body, containing the warmth between us.
He slowly leaned in, but I just couldn't, there were things I needed to know. " Why..." It was about all I could get out of my mouth at the moment, but the by the look on his face, it was enough...
He swallowed nervously, letting his eyes linger past me." I... I don't know what you mean..."
I narrowed my eyes at him. " W-what about... Julia?"
His eyes widened, but he still continued to gaze past me. " W-what?"
" W-what about them? Their dead Spike! Why can't you say anything?!" My voice arose for the first time that night, and the burning pain in my stomach only increased.
" Why does it matter!" He forcefully shoved me into the couch, letting his body press against mine.
I swallowed away the tears, taking a deep breath. " I-I just can't forget that night... It's too hard... I should've died Spike..."
~
I'm wondering why
Inside tonight
Can't find my way
~
He shook his head, letting his forehead rest against mine. " No... I could never let that happen... you're...you're..." He sighed, shutting his eyes tightly.
Despite the drugs in my system, I was catching on, hearing everything... down to the last breath. " Why are you doing this?"
" Doing what Faye? What AM I doing?" He tightened his grip on my arm, cringing his teeth tightly.
" I'm so confused..."
" So... am I... I just can't stop..." He leaned closer, pressing his cheek against mine.
My heartbeat was increasing, my mind racing, and I realized... this is really what I wanted along... this is all I needed...
Realizing how stiff my body had become, he slowly pushed away, gazing back into my eyes. " What..."
~
It's so bad
Oh, I still cry
Can't find my way
~
I shut my eyes tightly, sighing lightly. " Spike... don't you understand?"
I look of confusion overcame hs face. " Huh?"
Fresh tears pressed against my lashes, but I forcefully shoved them away. " You're... you are what keeps me living..."
" What?"
I shook my head in anger. Why wasn't he understanding? " I can't live with out you... I'm so addicted..." After numerous attempts to force away the tears, I finally gave in, letting them stream down my pale cheeks.
" What are you saying?"
" Damn it Spike! I'm in love with you! Why can't you understand that!?" I began strugging away from him, my breathing slowly dwindling into helpless panting.
~
At a crossroad
Tell me which way to choose
Can't figure it out
Can't make a move
~
" Faye..."
I pushed him away from me, searching for the best way to escape it all. I let my body collapse to the ground, and I frantically crawled as fast as I could away from him. He reached for me, but I was too ecstatic. I shakily stood, breaking into a run towards the bathroom. I could hear him calling me, but I still continued, slamming the bathroom door behind me, and hurling myself towards the toliet.
There were a few more things I needed to get out of my system...
~
A miracle is what I need....
~
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Yay! I'm finally finished! Sorry it took so long! I hope you like it! Well, I'm off the eat some turkey and stuffing. Don't forget to review and tell me what you think!
Happy Thanksgiving!!