Colossus
A FanFic by...KAORI-CHAN! (Formerly Sheik)
Not even gonna say it this time. How do you like the new pen name?
Hehehe..Well, I'm not dead, and I finally got a chance to write some more!
Enjoy!
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¤ We see the usual opening: Gerudo guards patrolling the maze of clay structure that is their hideout, with a stunning sunset stretching its fingers across the valley. There is a silhouette atop the highest of these buildings. We hear a female voice speaking, presumably the owner of the silhouette. ¤
Female Voice: We have been here for years. We survive in the desert where no one else can. But all things must change, like the setting of the sun and the rising of the moon. For the first time in Gerudo history, outsiders will pass the haunted wastelands and into the Desert Colossus to participate in a contest of wit, endurance, and skills. But this is no adventure. It is a competition. A game. And only the last to leave can truly call themselves:
Survivor.
¤ Eerie music starts, kind of like a remix of the Gerudo Valley song and the Gerudo's Hideout song with some ocarina playing mixed in. We see a shot of the Desert Colossus, with two different camps: one on each side, but equidistant from the Desert Oasis; now dancing in clear, crystalline water. The song ends, and we see Nabooru standing on the steps of the Spirit Temple. ¤
Nabooru: Hello, and welcome to the next installment in a psychotic parody fic of a really old TV show! Last time we learned what the challenge for immunity is, and today we will watch our poor contestants actually attempt to survive this inhumane form of entertainment!
¤ Nabooru snaps her fingers and we hear a whooshing noise as the camera pans incredibly fast. When it stops, Nabooru is standing in the Canyon area of Gerudo Valley. We can see the contestants preparing themselves for the challenge ahead. That is, except Link, who is wearing a green MALE cheerleader's outfit and waving various signs around that say things like "LET'S GO, SOLAIN!!!" and "(Insert catchy slogan here)". ¤
Link: WOOHOO! GO, SOLAIN! YAAAAAAAAY!"
Rauru: That kid has problems.
Zelda: You can say that again!
Malon: That kid---
All Solain: DON'T SAY IT!!!
Nabooru: All right, people, let's go! Line up at your starting point at the rope!
¤ Each tribe, sans Link (who is still cheering and waving signs), lines up at their respective starting point. They all look somewhat nervous, except Rauru, who is fuming at Bombchu guy for using his Game Boy. ¤
Nabooru: Now, you will need to line up in a certain order: First will be Zelda versus Ruto! Second, Saria versus Malon! And third will be Rauru versus Impa! Good luck!
¤ All the contestants line up so that they will be in the correct order, but can still cheer their teammates on and se what's happening. Link is now only half-cheering, and when he isn't jumping up and down yelling at the top of his lungs he's staring wide-eyed and slack-jawed at the scantily clad Gerudo. ¤
Nabooru: On your mark!
¤ The contestants make sure they are each in a perfect line on their tribe's side of the rope ¤
Nabooru: Get set!
¤ All the "visitors" to the valley ready their weapons. ¤
Nabooru: GO!
¤ Objects start flying everywhere as Zelda and Ruto start off to the middle of the rope. The air is thick with cuccos, bombs, Deku seeds, rocks, boomerangs, and Deku nuts as Zelda is almost to the middle of the rope. Ruto, however, is about two feet out and jumping begins to seem like a good option to her as she is being bombarded with various obstacles, as they might be called. ¤
Malon: GO ZELDA! YIPPEE!
Link: Go Ruto. Whee.
¤ Link waves his hand at Ruto in a very non-enthusiastic way just as a Gerudo comes over to flirt with Link. ¤
Gerudo: Hi there.
Link: Hello..Ah.I'm LiiIIIII-MMMPH!!!
¤ The Gerudo has grabbed Link and started to make out with him while Ruto stands there looking scared. Apparently Gerudos don't get much male attention. Link somehow gets away from the liplock and begins to talk to the Gerudo. ¤
Link: Hey, now slow down! I'm not really one to rush into a big commitment! And I have a girlfriend!
(A/N: He's talking about Syrie from "Hyrule: Caught on Camera!")
Several Gerudo: What?!
¤ Apparently these Gerudo are really into "mature" guys like Link (Yeah, right! Link, MATURE?!), and have rushed over and gathered around Link. ¤
Ruto: ¤ Whining ¤
¤ Ruto is standing exactly two and a half feet out onto the rope while Zelda is waiting impatiently in the middle while trying (very successfully) to dodge the projectile "missiles" being aimed at her. All of a sudden, Ruto is knocked off the rope by several objects. ¤
Ruto: AIEEEEEEEE!!!
Everybody else: RUTO!
¤ All the flying objects stop as Bombchu guy expertly guides the hovercraft to where he expects Ruto to fall. In about one tenth of a second, Ruto lands right on top of BG with a crash. After some confusion, BG brings Ruto back to the edge of the canyon, safe and sound. He then goes back to his original position. Zelda, relieved both that Ruto was safe and she "won", returns to Tresaid's side of the rope. ¤
Nabooru: Good try, Ruto! I'm sorry Tresaid, but since you didn't actually get to the "chicken" part of this round, nobody gets the points. NEXT!
¤ Saria and Malon race out onto the rope, both doing excellent jobs at dodging the things flying at them, although Malon, not being quite so small as Saria, gets hit a couple times. Nabooru, who is acting as the scorekeeper, is writing furiously on a bright pink clipboard trying to keep up with the massive amounts of scoring going on. ¤
Tresaid: GO MALON! GO MALON!
Solain (sans Link): GO SARIA! GO SARIA!
Link (To the Gerudo women): You know, beating Ganon was a piece of cake! I barely broke a sweat!
Zelda (Under her breath): That's not how I remember it!
¤ Meanwhile, Malon and Saria are at the "chicken" part of the round. With one final swoop, Malon defeats Saria as the little Kokiri girl begins to fall. ¤
Malon: OH, NO!
¤ Faster than anyone can stop her, Malon reaches down and grabs Saria by the hand and pulls her back up. The whole canyon erupts in cheers. ¤
Nabooru (Jumping up and down): Unbelievable! Ten extra points to Malon for helping out an opponent!
Zelda: WOOHOO! GO MALON! YIPPEE!
Rauru: Oh, what was that? Malon won? Yay.
¤ While the rest of the group is cheering, Rauru sneaks off. Much yelling can be heard in the background, and Rauru comes back with his Game Boy in hand. ¤
Nabooru: Rauru? Oh, there you are! Come on, it's your turn next!
¤ Rauru quickly shoves the Game Boy in his pocket and walks up to the rope. ¤
Rauru: I'm ready! Bring it on, Shadow girl!
All: o_O;
Impa: I'm ready for you, Light wuss!
Nabooru: Huh?? Um....yeah. Sure. GO!!!
¤ The two of them start off and everything seems to be going well until a huge gust of wind picks up. Impa crouches down low and grabs the rope with her hands, but Rauru is not so lucky. He looses his balance, begins to sway, and finally falls off the rope. ¤
Tresaid: RAURU!
Nabooru: Don't worry, Bombchu guy will--- WAIT A MINUTE, WHERE'S BOMBCHU GUY?!?!?!?
Bombchu Guy (Running up): He wouldn't listen! He stole the game boy! The hovercraft is useless now!
Dramatic Fanfare: dun! Dun!! DUUUUUN!!!!!!
Zelda: We've got to do something!
¤ Zelda's right hand begins to glow with the triforce symbol as she runs to the edge of the canyon. She reaches out to Rauru and he immediately stops in midair. ¤
Rauru: O_O Hey, I'm not dead! Yippee!
¤ Zelda brings in Rauru for a safe landing back on solid ground as Nabooru gathers all the contestants and other....participants in the challenge. ¤
Nabooru (Looking worried): Well, the score WAS Tresaid: One hundred thirty- three and Solain: Twenty-four.
¤ All Solain members glare at Ruto. ¤
Nabooru: BUT, considering recent events---
¤ Everybody looks at Zelda ¤
Nabooru: ---things may change. Either we kick Zelda off the show for using her powers when not allowed, Tresaid loses the challenge and goes to the council, or Solain goes to the council because Tresaid won in the first place.
¤ Everybody begins arguing and yelling various things at one another while poor Nabooru just stands there covering her ears. ¤
Malon: Wait, wait, wait, wait, WAAAAAAAAIT!
¤ Everybody stops and stares at Malon. ¤
Everybody: WHAT?!
Malon: The rules said we're not allowed to use SAGE powers. It didn't say anything about TRIFORCE powers! Therefore you have no right to kick Zelda off the show!
Random voice #1: Yeah, she's right!
Random voice #2: There's no difference! She's a sage, too!
¤ Everybody begins arguing AGAIN. This time, it's Nabooru who puts an end to the fighting. ¤
Nabooru: Well, there's nothing left to do. We'll have to call in the judges.
Everybody else: The judges?
Nabooru: Yes, the judges. If we can't solve a problem on the show, the judges rule what we should do! COME ON OUT, EVERYBODY!
¤ Gohma, King Dodongo, Barinade, Phantom Ganon, Volvagia, Morpha, Bongo Bongo, and Twinrova appear from various places, each sporting a halo. ¤
Nabooru: Meet the judges.
Twinrova: HEY! It's that kid who killed us!
Link: ¤ GULP ¤
Phantom Ganon (In a British accent): Now now, can't we get past all that? So what if we're dead? It's much better than being evil!
Bongo Bongo: Who wants tea?
Gohma: SHUT IT! We've got a job now!
Morpha: Excuse me, miss easiest-to-kill-of all the bosses in Ocarina of Time!
(A/N: I have to admit, inspiration for the bosses' argument came from Galaxy Girl's Big Brother Darunia fic. PLEASE DON'T GET MAD AT ME, GG! Think of it as a little tribute to a fave fic of mine! Hey, they do it in anime!)
All (Except the judges): SHUT UP!
Nabooru: You guys have major issues. But don't solve them here. We need you to solve an issue of OURS right now.
¤ Nabooru explains to all the judges what the situation is. After listening, the bosses huddle up and announce the verdict. ¤
King Dodongo: We declare tribe Tresaid as the official winner of the challenge!
Twinrova: They won fair and square!
Volvagia: It's true. The rules say NOTHING about Triforce powers being used in the game.
Barinade: Until now. Triforce powers are officially forbidden from this moment on! So shut up and leave us alone about it!
¤ All the judges disappear in the exact way they died, with the exception being no warp spots or heart containers appear. ¤
All: o_O;
Nabooru: Well, there you have it! Tresaid, the immunity idol is being delivered to your camp as we speak. And as for you, Solain, your lifetime supply if Cheez-E-Puffs is also on the way.
Both tribes: Yay!
Nabooru: The rest of you, thank you for coming out here. You can go home now. As for you two tribes, you can also leave.
Outside participants: Yay!
¤ They all leave. Nabooru snaps her fingers and both tribes are instantly warped to their respective campsites. Nabooru is standing on the steps of the Spirit Temple once again. ¤
Nabooru: Well, that's it, guys! E-mail your vote to Kaori-chan at hyrulechick104@aol.com with "COLOSSUS" in the subject line, or just leave your vote in a review! And stay tuned next time as we find out who gets kicked out: Link, Impa, Saria, or Ruto! Farewell!
¤ The camera zooms out as the credits roll and the show's theme song plays. The screen gradually fades out as the song stops and the show ends. ¤
¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤
¤ We see the usual opening: Gerudo guards patrolling the maze of clay structure that is their hideout, with a stunning sunset stretching its fingers across the valley. There is a silhouette atop the highest of these buildings. We hear a female voice speaking, presumably the owner of the silhouette. ¤
Female Voice: We have been here for years. We survive in the desert where no one else can. But all things must change, like the setting of the sun and the rising of the moon. For the first time in Gerudo history, outsiders will pass the haunted wastelands and into the Desert Colossus to participate in a contest of wit, endurance, and skills. But this is no adventure. It is a competition. A game. And only the last to leave can truly call themselves:
Survivor.
¤ Eerie music starts, kind of like a remix of the Gerudo Valley song and the Gerudo's Hideout song with some ocarina playing mixed in. We see a shot of the Desert Colossus, with two different camps: one on each side, but equidistant from the Desert Oasis; now dancing in clear, crystalline water. The song ends, and we see Nabooru standing on the steps of the Spirit Temple. ¤
Nabooru: Hello, and welcome to the next installment in a psychotic parody fic of a really old TV show! Last time we learned what the challenge for immunity is, and today we will watch our poor contestants actually attempt to survive this inhumane form of entertainment!
¤ Nabooru snaps her fingers and we hear a whooshing noise as the camera pans incredibly fast. When it stops, Nabooru is standing in the Canyon area of Gerudo Valley. We can see the contestants preparing themselves for the challenge ahead. That is, except Link, who is wearing a green MALE cheerleader's outfit and waving various signs around that say things like "LET'S GO, SOLAIN!!!" and "(Insert catchy slogan here)". ¤
Link: WOOHOO! GO, SOLAIN! YAAAAAAAAY!"
Rauru: That kid has problems.
Zelda: You can say that again!
Malon: That kid---
All Solain: DON'T SAY IT!!!
Nabooru: All right, people, let's go! Line up at your starting point at the rope!
¤ Each tribe, sans Link (who is still cheering and waving signs), lines up at their respective starting point. They all look somewhat nervous, except Rauru, who is fuming at Bombchu guy for using his Game Boy. ¤
Nabooru: Now, you will need to line up in a certain order: First will be Zelda versus Ruto! Second, Saria versus Malon! And third will be Rauru versus Impa! Good luck!
¤ All the contestants line up so that they will be in the correct order, but can still cheer their teammates on and se what's happening. Link is now only half-cheering, and when he isn't jumping up and down yelling at the top of his lungs he's staring wide-eyed and slack-jawed at the scantily clad Gerudo. ¤
Nabooru: On your mark!
¤ The contestants make sure they are each in a perfect line on their tribe's side of the rope ¤
Nabooru: Get set!
¤ All the "visitors" to the valley ready their weapons. ¤
Nabooru: GO!
¤ Objects start flying everywhere as Zelda and Ruto start off to the middle of the rope. The air is thick with cuccos, bombs, Deku seeds, rocks, boomerangs, and Deku nuts as Zelda is almost to the middle of the rope. Ruto, however, is about two feet out and jumping begins to seem like a good option to her as she is being bombarded with various obstacles, as they might be called. ¤
Malon: GO ZELDA! YIPPEE!
Link: Go Ruto. Whee.
¤ Link waves his hand at Ruto in a very non-enthusiastic way just as a Gerudo comes over to flirt with Link. ¤
Gerudo: Hi there.
Link: Hello..Ah.I'm LiiIIIII-MMMPH!!!
¤ The Gerudo has grabbed Link and started to make out with him while Ruto stands there looking scared. Apparently Gerudos don't get much male attention. Link somehow gets away from the liplock and begins to talk to the Gerudo. ¤
Link: Hey, now slow down! I'm not really one to rush into a big commitment! And I have a girlfriend!
(A/N: He's talking about Syrie from "Hyrule: Caught on Camera!")
Several Gerudo: What?!
¤ Apparently these Gerudo are really into "mature" guys like Link (Yeah, right! Link, MATURE?!), and have rushed over and gathered around Link. ¤
Ruto: ¤ Whining ¤
¤ Ruto is standing exactly two and a half feet out onto the rope while Zelda is waiting impatiently in the middle while trying (very successfully) to dodge the projectile "missiles" being aimed at her. All of a sudden, Ruto is knocked off the rope by several objects. ¤
Ruto: AIEEEEEEEE!!!
Everybody else: RUTO!
¤ All the flying objects stop as Bombchu guy expertly guides the hovercraft to where he expects Ruto to fall. In about one tenth of a second, Ruto lands right on top of BG with a crash. After some confusion, BG brings Ruto back to the edge of the canyon, safe and sound. He then goes back to his original position. Zelda, relieved both that Ruto was safe and she "won", returns to Tresaid's side of the rope. ¤
Nabooru: Good try, Ruto! I'm sorry Tresaid, but since you didn't actually get to the "chicken" part of this round, nobody gets the points. NEXT!
¤ Saria and Malon race out onto the rope, both doing excellent jobs at dodging the things flying at them, although Malon, not being quite so small as Saria, gets hit a couple times. Nabooru, who is acting as the scorekeeper, is writing furiously on a bright pink clipboard trying to keep up with the massive amounts of scoring going on. ¤
Tresaid: GO MALON! GO MALON!
Solain (sans Link): GO SARIA! GO SARIA!
Link (To the Gerudo women): You know, beating Ganon was a piece of cake! I barely broke a sweat!
Zelda (Under her breath): That's not how I remember it!
¤ Meanwhile, Malon and Saria are at the "chicken" part of the round. With one final swoop, Malon defeats Saria as the little Kokiri girl begins to fall. ¤
Malon: OH, NO!
¤ Faster than anyone can stop her, Malon reaches down and grabs Saria by the hand and pulls her back up. The whole canyon erupts in cheers. ¤
Nabooru (Jumping up and down): Unbelievable! Ten extra points to Malon for helping out an opponent!
Zelda: WOOHOO! GO MALON! YIPPEE!
Rauru: Oh, what was that? Malon won? Yay.
¤ While the rest of the group is cheering, Rauru sneaks off. Much yelling can be heard in the background, and Rauru comes back with his Game Boy in hand. ¤
Nabooru: Rauru? Oh, there you are! Come on, it's your turn next!
¤ Rauru quickly shoves the Game Boy in his pocket and walks up to the rope. ¤
Rauru: I'm ready! Bring it on, Shadow girl!
All: o_O;
Impa: I'm ready for you, Light wuss!
Nabooru: Huh?? Um....yeah. Sure. GO!!!
¤ The two of them start off and everything seems to be going well until a huge gust of wind picks up. Impa crouches down low and grabs the rope with her hands, but Rauru is not so lucky. He looses his balance, begins to sway, and finally falls off the rope. ¤
Tresaid: RAURU!
Nabooru: Don't worry, Bombchu guy will--- WAIT A MINUTE, WHERE'S BOMBCHU GUY?!?!?!?
Bombchu Guy (Running up): He wouldn't listen! He stole the game boy! The hovercraft is useless now!
Dramatic Fanfare: dun! Dun!! DUUUUUN!!!!!!
Zelda: We've got to do something!
¤ Zelda's right hand begins to glow with the triforce symbol as she runs to the edge of the canyon. She reaches out to Rauru and he immediately stops in midair. ¤
Rauru: O_O Hey, I'm not dead! Yippee!
¤ Zelda brings in Rauru for a safe landing back on solid ground as Nabooru gathers all the contestants and other....participants in the challenge. ¤
Nabooru (Looking worried): Well, the score WAS Tresaid: One hundred thirty- three and Solain: Twenty-four.
¤ All Solain members glare at Ruto. ¤
Nabooru: BUT, considering recent events---
¤ Everybody looks at Zelda ¤
Nabooru: ---things may change. Either we kick Zelda off the show for using her powers when not allowed, Tresaid loses the challenge and goes to the council, or Solain goes to the council because Tresaid won in the first place.
¤ Everybody begins arguing and yelling various things at one another while poor Nabooru just stands there covering her ears. ¤
Malon: Wait, wait, wait, wait, WAAAAAAAAIT!
¤ Everybody stops and stares at Malon. ¤
Everybody: WHAT?!
Malon: The rules said we're not allowed to use SAGE powers. It didn't say anything about TRIFORCE powers! Therefore you have no right to kick Zelda off the show!
Random voice #1: Yeah, she's right!
Random voice #2: There's no difference! She's a sage, too!
¤ Everybody begins arguing AGAIN. This time, it's Nabooru who puts an end to the fighting. ¤
Nabooru: Well, there's nothing left to do. We'll have to call in the judges.
Everybody else: The judges?
Nabooru: Yes, the judges. If we can't solve a problem on the show, the judges rule what we should do! COME ON OUT, EVERYBODY!
¤ Gohma, King Dodongo, Barinade, Phantom Ganon, Volvagia, Morpha, Bongo Bongo, and Twinrova appear from various places, each sporting a halo. ¤
Nabooru: Meet the judges.
Twinrova: HEY! It's that kid who killed us!
Link: ¤ GULP ¤
Phantom Ganon (In a British accent): Now now, can't we get past all that? So what if we're dead? It's much better than being evil!
Bongo Bongo: Who wants tea?
Gohma: SHUT IT! We've got a job now!
Morpha: Excuse me, miss easiest-to-kill-of all the bosses in Ocarina of Time!
(A/N: I have to admit, inspiration for the bosses' argument came from Galaxy Girl's Big Brother Darunia fic. PLEASE DON'T GET MAD AT ME, GG! Think of it as a little tribute to a fave fic of mine! Hey, they do it in anime!)
All (Except the judges): SHUT UP!
Nabooru: You guys have major issues. But don't solve them here. We need you to solve an issue of OURS right now.
¤ Nabooru explains to all the judges what the situation is. After listening, the bosses huddle up and announce the verdict. ¤
King Dodongo: We declare tribe Tresaid as the official winner of the challenge!
Twinrova: They won fair and square!
Volvagia: It's true. The rules say NOTHING about Triforce powers being used in the game.
Barinade: Until now. Triforce powers are officially forbidden from this moment on! So shut up and leave us alone about it!
¤ All the judges disappear in the exact way they died, with the exception being no warp spots or heart containers appear. ¤
All: o_O;
Nabooru: Well, there you have it! Tresaid, the immunity idol is being delivered to your camp as we speak. And as for you, Solain, your lifetime supply if Cheez-E-Puffs is also on the way.
Both tribes: Yay!
Nabooru: The rest of you, thank you for coming out here. You can go home now. As for you two tribes, you can also leave.
Outside participants: Yay!
¤ They all leave. Nabooru snaps her fingers and both tribes are instantly warped to their respective campsites. Nabooru is standing on the steps of the Spirit Temple once again. ¤
Nabooru: Well, that's it, guys! E-mail your vote to Kaori-chan at hyrulechick104@aol.com with "COLOSSUS" in the subject line, or just leave your vote in a review! And stay tuned next time as we find out who gets kicked out: Link, Impa, Saria, or Ruto! Farewell!
¤ The camera zooms out as the credits roll and the show's theme song plays. The screen gradually fades out as the song stops and the show ends. ¤