Colossus: A FanFic by Kaori-chan
Sorry for the lack of updates, guys! Oh, well. Here's the next chapter! Enjoy it, and don't forget to review when you're done! ^_~\/
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(We see the usual opening: Gerudo guards patrolling the maze of clay structure that is their hideout, with a stunning sunset stretching its fingers across the valley. There is a silhouette atop the highest of these buildings. We hear a female voice speaking, presumably the owner of the silhouette.)
Female Voice: We have been here for years. We survive in the desert where no one else can. But all things must change, like the setting of the sun and the rising of the moon. For the first time in Gerudo history, outsiders will pass the haunted wastelands and into the Desert Colossus to participate in a contest of wit, endurance, and skills. But this is no adventure. It is a competition. A game. And only the last to leave can truly call themself:
Survivor.
(Eerie music starts, kind of like a remix of the Gerudo Valley song and the Gerudo's Hideout song with some ocarina playing mixed in. We see a shot of the Desert Colossus, with two different camps: one on each side, but equidistant from the Desert Oasis: now dancing in clear, crystalline water. The song ends, and we see Nabooru standing on the steps of the Spirit Temple.)
Nabooru: Greetings, everybody! Please allow me to be the first to apologize for yesterday's incident. We had more than a few technical difficulties, as you know, so without further ado, I proudly present:
Queue Card Guys (Off camera): Today's episode?
Nabooru: No, a commercial break. We'll be right back after this!
(The screen fades out. As it fades back in we hear spiffy music play. It zooms in on Malon, once again wearing a modest, tasteful version of a Britney Spears-style outfit. She begins singing and, as she does, the lights, which started out as nothing but blackness around her, brighten to reveal a bright, gaudy stage lit by multicolored spotlights. As the song progresses several backup singers come onstage and start dancing behind Malon as they sing the harmony parts to the song. Malon begins singing to the tune of the "Joy of Pepsi" song, the one that begins with Britney in that jumpsuit with the Pepsi logo on the back of it.)
Malon (Singing): These things, they love nagging! They even hate it when I sing! Fly! They can even fly! And I can tell you why: They're hyper balls of light! Just watch them fly!
Na, na, na, na! Na, na, na, na, naaa-aaa! The joy of Navi!
Though you may threaten them, They never will shut up..
Na, na, na, na! Na, na, na, na, naaa-aaa!
The joy of Navi! Oh, how they get on your nerves! They are obsessed with curves! But you can't live without them! Just watch them fly!
Na, na, na, na! Na, na, na, na, naaa-aaa! The joy of Navi!
YEEEEEEEAAAAAH!
(The camera pulls out to reveal a screaming crowd giving our young star a standing ovation and the screen fades out. As it fades back in we see Nabooru standing on the steps of the Spirit Temple. She is just about to say something as a group of Hylian Soldiers walk up to Nabooru.)
Nabooru: Excuse me, gentlemen. We're in the middle of filming. Is there something I can help you with?
Hylian Soldier #1: Ms. Nabooru, you are under arrest for alleged insider trading.
Nabooru: WHAAAAAT?!
Hylian Soldier #2: We have it all on tape, ma'am! You sold all your stock in the "Colossus" fanfic right before the price plummeted!
Nabooru: But I..
HS #3: Sorry, ma'am. But our orders are to arrest you and take you into custody. Now please come with us.
Nabooru: NEVER!!!
HS #1: I didn't want to do this, but you leave me no choice. Boys, get out our secret ultimate weapon of doom!
Everybody anywhere near this scene: THE SECRET ULTIMATE WEAPON OF DOOM?!?!? ***GASP!!!***
(Dramatic Fanfare)
HS #2: Yes, the secret ultimate weapon of doom!
(Dramatic fanfare)
Nabooru: For goodness' sake, stop it with the dramatic fanfares!
Switchboard Guy #1 (who his has his finger on the "dramatic fanfare" button): Aww, man!
HS #2: I got it!
(HS #2 Holds up the secret ultimate weapon of doom: a Deku nut. During this whole time, the entire crew has been sitting around in comfy couches and munching on popcorn, watching the action unfold.)
Nabooru: You couldn't do any better than THAT?!
SBG #2: Yeah, what about a nuclear death ray or something?
Queue Card Guy #1: Yeah, why'd you have to go and be creative?
QCG #2: Looks like we'll have to call up the backup host. Think we should put on today's episode?
SBG #3: Yeah, we might as well.
(SBG #2 Pushes a button on the switchboard and we immediately go to Tribe Tresaid, where Malon, having stolen all the Cheez-e-Puffs, is facing the wrath of Rauru.)
Rauru: WHY DID YOU STEAL ALL THE CHEEZ-E-PUFFS???????
Malon: YOU STOLE MOST OF THEM! I only had my share.
(Malon flips her hair and walks off, leaving Zelda alone with the grouchy Sage of Light. They sit there for a few minutes, and eventually Rauru begins walking off.)
Zelda: Listen, Rauru. I don't know why you've been acting so crappy lately, but it needs to stop. It's like you're in a whole other dimension or something! And frankly, you're bringing me down into the depths of depression right along with you! Okay? Rauru? Rauru?! Wait! Where are you going?
(Rauru has started walking off into the desert, and Zelda follows him. As the camera switches back to the main part of the Tresaid camp, we see Malon walking up carrying a huge thing of Cheez-E-Puffs, and eating more and more as she walks.)
Malon: They call this a LIFETIME SUPPLY? HAH! That was too easy! Huh?
(She stops and looks around at the deserted camp.)
Malon: Zelda? Rauru? Where'd you guys go?
(With that, we go to Solain's camp, where we see Malon's source of Cheez-E- Puffs)
Link (Gobbling down Cheez-E-Puffs as only a hungry Hero of Time can): We may hae lost, but it was SO worth it!
Saria: Maybe to you, but one of us will lose that secret prize tonight!
Impa: Who do you think it will be?
(Slight pause as everyone glances sideways at Ruto, who is feeding Frank most of the Cheez-E-Puffs. How he survives her, I have no clue.)
Link (Simultaneously): I have no clue!
Impa (Simultaneously): It'll sure be close, that's for sure!
Saria (Simultaneously): Well..I..umm..
Ruto (Looking up): What? What is it?
(Suddenly everyone freezes and looks up over Ruto's Head [Except Ruto, of course]. A shadowy figure has appeared right behind the Zora princess.)
Shadowy Figure: Give them to me.
Link: G-g-give w-w-w-w-what????
(Link starts shaking and squeezes a bag of Cheez-E-Puffs so hard it pops, sending artificially flavored cheese snacks flying everywhere.)
Shadowy Figure: You know what I am talking about. Now hand them over.
Saria: Listen here! We won them and you can't take them!
SF: Oh, yes I can. YAAAAAAH! KARATE KICK!!!!
(A figure with flaming red hair leaps out of the shadows and kicks Link right in the face. Link falls down onto the ground rocking back and forth with his head in his hands.)
Link: My face! My beautiful face!
Malon (Catching the huge bag of Cheez-E-Puffs Link dropped): Mission accomplished! Thanks, guys! ^_~\/
(Malon runs off with the Cheez-E-Puffs bag)
(There is a long period of silence as the Solain Tribe members all sit there in shock and confusion at the unexpected junk food theft.)
(The camera switches to Zelda and Rauru, who are still tramping through the desert.)
Zelda: Rauru! Where are you going?
Rauru: Why are you still following me?
Zelda: Because I care!
(Rauru stops.)
Zelda: That's what friends do! They care about each other!
Rauru (Turning around): You care about me?
Zelda: Rauru, you're my friend, even though you may not seem to understand that!"
Rauru: You like me! You really like me!"
(Rauru begins sobbing anime-style, with fountains of tears streaming in high arcs from his eyes as he envelops Zelda in a huge Goron hug.)
Zelda: Rauru--I--can't----breathe!!!
(We go back to Tribe Solain. The members are discussing the Tribal Council.)
Ruto: I don't mind if I go! I have my Frankie now, and that's all that matters!
Saria: Ruto, you realize you can't take Frank with you, right?
Ruto: O_O WHAAAAAAAAAAT?!?!?
Impa: It's true. The rules say we're not allowed to take anything with us when we leave, except what we brought with us in the first place.
(Link says nothing. He's busy stuffing his face.)
Ruto: No.
Saria: Sorry, Ruto.
Ruto: No.
Impa: I wish we could help.
Ruto: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!
(Far across the desert, a flock of those evil crow things [What were they called?] take off in fright at the sudden loud outburst. Back at camp, Ruto is almost hyperventilating.)
Link (Finished, temporarily, with the Cheez-E-Puffs): Ruto, I..
(Ruto stands up and backs up towards the campfire.)
Ruto; Nobody will EVER try to separate us! Or I'll..Or I'll..
Impa: Ruto! Wait!
Saria: Don't do this!!
(Ruto takes a deep breath and looks very scared about something. She barely moves when..)
Link: NOOOOO!
(In slow motion, we see Link dive for Ruto and catch her in his arms, landing rather roughly in the sand.
Ruto: What was that all about? It was like you thought I was committing suicide or something!
Saria: What? You mean you weren't going to try and end it all by jumping into the campfire, resulting in a dramatic twist in the storyline of this fanfic?!
Ruto: No! I was simply going to put it out!
All (Except Ruto): ...oh.
Ruto (Looking at Link): You thought I was going to jump in the fire?
(Link doesn't answer but looks bashfully at the ground.)
Ruto: And you went to all that to save me?!
Link: Well I..You know...it's my job and all, so I----HEY!
(Ruto has jumped on top of Link with a squeal of joy, causing the Hero of Time to topple over and lay there trapped in the sand while the other members of the tribe crack up and try [rather unsuccessfully] to suppress their laughter)
(We see Nabooru's entire [as in we can see her whole body] profile silhouetted against the breathtaking Gerudo Valley sunset. A little line of torches approaches as the Tribe Solain prepares to vote one of their own out of their tribe forever.)
Nabooru: Ok, everyone ready?
Solain: Yes.
Nabooru: Ok. Let's go.
(Nabooru leads the tribe inside the Spirit Temple and up the stairs to the little area with red carpeting. There is one long wooden bench and a comfy- looking gilded throne, set facing each other. Behind the throne [Which is facing the entrance} are set, four on each side, eight torches. On the viewer's left, only three are lit, and on the other side all four are burning brightly. The contestants sit down on the bench while Nabooru is missing. We hear yells from off camera.)
Nabooru: LET GO! LET GO OF ME! I'M INNOCENT, I TELL YOU! INNOCENT! DON'T HURT MEEEEEEEEEEE!!!
Solain: o_o;
(Just when things couldn't get any weirder, they do. Into the temple walks Bombchu guy! Apparently he's the backup host.)
Bombchu Guy: Greetings, unlucky contestants! I'll be your host tonight, so let's get started!
(BG Pushes the throne out of the way and, out of nowhere, produces his usual flying carpet and sits happily on it.)
BG: Now will someone please let me know what's going on?
(All of Solain crashes down Anime-style as a stage hand guy wearing a headset runs out, whispers something in BG's ear, and hands him a little slip of paper. When we look again, the members of Solain have reappeared in their spots on the bench.)
BG: Now, the one who is voted off the show is---
Link: Wait!
BG: What?
Link: Shouldn't you add more drama to it?
Saria: Yeah! Like those old sci-fi suspense movies!
Impa: Or soap operas!
BG: Uh... does anyone have a dramatic fanfare?
SBG #1 (Where do these guys come from? They're everywhere!) : I DO! I DO!!!
BG: Good. Use it.
SBG #1: OK!
(Dramatic Fanfare)
BG: Uh, Switchboard guy?
(Dramatic Fanfare)
(Dramatic Fanfare)
(Dramatic Fanfare)
(Dramatic Fanfare)
(Dramatic Fanfare)
(Dramatic Fanfare)
(Dramatic Fanfare)
(Dramatic Fanfare)
BG: Uhh...hello?
(Dramatic Fanfare)
(Dramatic Fanfare)
(Dramatic Fanfare)
(Dramatic Fanfare)
(Dramatic Fanfare)
BG: SWITCHBOARD GUY! NOT YET!
SBG: Oh. Sorry. ¬_¬
BG: Thank you. Now, the one who has to leave is...
(Suspensive silence)
(Dramatic Fanfare)
(Dramatic Fanfare)
(Dramatic Fanfare)
(Suspensive silence)
BG: Ruto. You're outta here.
Ruto: WHAT?!?!? NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!
(Everybody says their good-byes as Ruto is slowly beginning to calm down.)
Ruto: Take care of Frankie, will you?
Impa: Of course we will, dear.
Ruto: Link, thanks for trying to save me.
(Link blushes and looks at the ground.)
Ruto: Saria, I'm sorry for bugging you constantly with Frank. Can you forgive me?
Saria: Of course! Thank you for the apology, though.
(Everyone hugs and waves to each other. Ruto extinguishes her torch using her Sage Powers and exits silently into the same room Darunia went so many chapters ago. We think the episode is over when..)
Saria: Wait a minute! Why are those Hylian Soldiers arresting Nabooru?
HS #1: Alleged insider trading.
Impa: What? What do you mean?
HS #1: It's a known fact that Ms. Nabooru here sold all her stock in the "Colossus" fanfic right before the prices plummeted!
Link: Wait a minute! Isn't, or WASN'T, Nabooru the ONLY owner of stock in this fanfic?
Nabooru: THANK YOU! That's what I've been trying to tell you!
HS #2: Well, can someone prove it?
BG: I can!
(He holds up the little slip of paper)
Impa: Wait, isn't that what the name of the booted member was written on?
BG: Yeah, but look what I just noticed that it's written on the back of a shredded up piece of confidential "Colossus" financial records! Look, it shows that Nabooru was indeed the ONLY owner of stock in the Fanfic!
HS #3: What about Kaori-chan? She's the author, isn't she? She would have to have stock in it!
HS #1: Oh, please! Who needs stock when you have ultimate power at your fingertips?
(A/N: I love computers. One little click and every character is in the palm of your hand! Muahahah.)
Link: You've got a point there.
HS #1: Well, with this proof, we have no choice but to free Ms. Nabooru! Sorry for the inconvenience, Ma'am!
(The Hylian Soldiers let go of Nabooru and leave. As the credits roll and the show's theme song plays, we watch the Solain Tribe members as they walk back to camp. As the music fades out and the credits stop, the screen goes blank and the show ends.)
Sorry for the lack of updates, guys! Oh, well. Here's the next chapter! Enjoy it, and don't forget to review when you're done! ^_~\/
¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤
(We see the usual opening: Gerudo guards patrolling the maze of clay structure that is their hideout, with a stunning sunset stretching its fingers across the valley. There is a silhouette atop the highest of these buildings. We hear a female voice speaking, presumably the owner of the silhouette.)
Female Voice: We have been here for years. We survive in the desert where no one else can. But all things must change, like the setting of the sun and the rising of the moon. For the first time in Gerudo history, outsiders will pass the haunted wastelands and into the Desert Colossus to participate in a contest of wit, endurance, and skills. But this is no adventure. It is a competition. A game. And only the last to leave can truly call themself:
Survivor.
(Eerie music starts, kind of like a remix of the Gerudo Valley song and the Gerudo's Hideout song with some ocarina playing mixed in. We see a shot of the Desert Colossus, with two different camps: one on each side, but equidistant from the Desert Oasis: now dancing in clear, crystalline water. The song ends, and we see Nabooru standing on the steps of the Spirit Temple.)
Nabooru: Greetings, everybody! Please allow me to be the first to apologize for yesterday's incident. We had more than a few technical difficulties, as you know, so without further ado, I proudly present:
Queue Card Guys (Off camera): Today's episode?
Nabooru: No, a commercial break. We'll be right back after this!
(The screen fades out. As it fades back in we hear spiffy music play. It zooms in on Malon, once again wearing a modest, tasteful version of a Britney Spears-style outfit. She begins singing and, as she does, the lights, which started out as nothing but blackness around her, brighten to reveal a bright, gaudy stage lit by multicolored spotlights. As the song progresses several backup singers come onstage and start dancing behind Malon as they sing the harmony parts to the song. Malon begins singing to the tune of the "Joy of Pepsi" song, the one that begins with Britney in that jumpsuit with the Pepsi logo on the back of it.)
Malon (Singing): These things, they love nagging! They even hate it when I sing! Fly! They can even fly! And I can tell you why: They're hyper balls of light! Just watch them fly!
Na, na, na, na! Na, na, na, na, naaa-aaa! The joy of Navi!
Though you may threaten them, They never will shut up..
Na, na, na, na! Na, na, na, na, naaa-aaa!
The joy of Navi! Oh, how they get on your nerves! They are obsessed with curves! But you can't live without them! Just watch them fly!
Na, na, na, na! Na, na, na, na, naaa-aaa! The joy of Navi!
YEEEEEEEAAAAAH!
(The camera pulls out to reveal a screaming crowd giving our young star a standing ovation and the screen fades out. As it fades back in we see Nabooru standing on the steps of the Spirit Temple. She is just about to say something as a group of Hylian Soldiers walk up to Nabooru.)
Nabooru: Excuse me, gentlemen. We're in the middle of filming. Is there something I can help you with?
Hylian Soldier #1: Ms. Nabooru, you are under arrest for alleged insider trading.
Nabooru: WHAAAAAT?!
Hylian Soldier #2: We have it all on tape, ma'am! You sold all your stock in the "Colossus" fanfic right before the price plummeted!
Nabooru: But I..
HS #3: Sorry, ma'am. But our orders are to arrest you and take you into custody. Now please come with us.
Nabooru: NEVER!!!
HS #1: I didn't want to do this, but you leave me no choice. Boys, get out our secret ultimate weapon of doom!
Everybody anywhere near this scene: THE SECRET ULTIMATE WEAPON OF DOOM?!?!? ***GASP!!!***
(Dramatic Fanfare)
HS #2: Yes, the secret ultimate weapon of doom!
(Dramatic fanfare)
Nabooru: For goodness' sake, stop it with the dramatic fanfares!
Switchboard Guy #1 (who his has his finger on the "dramatic fanfare" button): Aww, man!
HS #2: I got it!
(HS #2 Holds up the secret ultimate weapon of doom: a Deku nut. During this whole time, the entire crew has been sitting around in comfy couches and munching on popcorn, watching the action unfold.)
Nabooru: You couldn't do any better than THAT?!
SBG #2: Yeah, what about a nuclear death ray or something?
Queue Card Guy #1: Yeah, why'd you have to go and be creative?
QCG #2: Looks like we'll have to call up the backup host. Think we should put on today's episode?
SBG #3: Yeah, we might as well.
(SBG #2 Pushes a button on the switchboard and we immediately go to Tribe Tresaid, where Malon, having stolen all the Cheez-e-Puffs, is facing the wrath of Rauru.)
Rauru: WHY DID YOU STEAL ALL THE CHEEZ-E-PUFFS???????
Malon: YOU STOLE MOST OF THEM! I only had my share.
(Malon flips her hair and walks off, leaving Zelda alone with the grouchy Sage of Light. They sit there for a few minutes, and eventually Rauru begins walking off.)
Zelda: Listen, Rauru. I don't know why you've been acting so crappy lately, but it needs to stop. It's like you're in a whole other dimension or something! And frankly, you're bringing me down into the depths of depression right along with you! Okay? Rauru? Rauru?! Wait! Where are you going?
(Rauru has started walking off into the desert, and Zelda follows him. As the camera switches back to the main part of the Tresaid camp, we see Malon walking up carrying a huge thing of Cheez-E-Puffs, and eating more and more as she walks.)
Malon: They call this a LIFETIME SUPPLY? HAH! That was too easy! Huh?
(She stops and looks around at the deserted camp.)
Malon: Zelda? Rauru? Where'd you guys go?
(With that, we go to Solain's camp, where we see Malon's source of Cheez-E- Puffs)
Link (Gobbling down Cheez-E-Puffs as only a hungry Hero of Time can): We may hae lost, but it was SO worth it!
Saria: Maybe to you, but one of us will lose that secret prize tonight!
Impa: Who do you think it will be?
(Slight pause as everyone glances sideways at Ruto, who is feeding Frank most of the Cheez-E-Puffs. How he survives her, I have no clue.)
Link (Simultaneously): I have no clue!
Impa (Simultaneously): It'll sure be close, that's for sure!
Saria (Simultaneously): Well..I..umm..
Ruto (Looking up): What? What is it?
(Suddenly everyone freezes and looks up over Ruto's Head [Except Ruto, of course]. A shadowy figure has appeared right behind the Zora princess.)
Shadowy Figure: Give them to me.
Link: G-g-give w-w-w-w-what????
(Link starts shaking and squeezes a bag of Cheez-E-Puffs so hard it pops, sending artificially flavored cheese snacks flying everywhere.)
Shadowy Figure: You know what I am talking about. Now hand them over.
Saria: Listen here! We won them and you can't take them!
SF: Oh, yes I can. YAAAAAAH! KARATE KICK!!!!
(A figure with flaming red hair leaps out of the shadows and kicks Link right in the face. Link falls down onto the ground rocking back and forth with his head in his hands.)
Link: My face! My beautiful face!
Malon (Catching the huge bag of Cheez-E-Puffs Link dropped): Mission accomplished! Thanks, guys! ^_~\/
(Malon runs off with the Cheez-E-Puffs bag)
(There is a long period of silence as the Solain Tribe members all sit there in shock and confusion at the unexpected junk food theft.)
(The camera switches to Zelda and Rauru, who are still tramping through the desert.)
Zelda: Rauru! Where are you going?
Rauru: Why are you still following me?
Zelda: Because I care!
(Rauru stops.)
Zelda: That's what friends do! They care about each other!
Rauru (Turning around): You care about me?
Zelda: Rauru, you're my friend, even though you may not seem to understand that!"
Rauru: You like me! You really like me!"
(Rauru begins sobbing anime-style, with fountains of tears streaming in high arcs from his eyes as he envelops Zelda in a huge Goron hug.)
Zelda: Rauru--I--can't----breathe!!!
(We go back to Tribe Solain. The members are discussing the Tribal Council.)
Ruto: I don't mind if I go! I have my Frankie now, and that's all that matters!
Saria: Ruto, you realize you can't take Frank with you, right?
Ruto: O_O WHAAAAAAAAAAT?!?!?
Impa: It's true. The rules say we're not allowed to take anything with us when we leave, except what we brought with us in the first place.
(Link says nothing. He's busy stuffing his face.)
Ruto: No.
Saria: Sorry, Ruto.
Ruto: No.
Impa: I wish we could help.
Ruto: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!
(Far across the desert, a flock of those evil crow things [What were they called?] take off in fright at the sudden loud outburst. Back at camp, Ruto is almost hyperventilating.)
Link (Finished, temporarily, with the Cheez-E-Puffs): Ruto, I..
(Ruto stands up and backs up towards the campfire.)
Ruto; Nobody will EVER try to separate us! Or I'll..Or I'll..
Impa: Ruto! Wait!
Saria: Don't do this!!
(Ruto takes a deep breath and looks very scared about something. She barely moves when..)
Link: NOOOOO!
(In slow motion, we see Link dive for Ruto and catch her in his arms, landing rather roughly in the sand.
Ruto: What was that all about? It was like you thought I was committing suicide or something!
Saria: What? You mean you weren't going to try and end it all by jumping into the campfire, resulting in a dramatic twist in the storyline of this fanfic?!
Ruto: No! I was simply going to put it out!
All (Except Ruto): ...oh.
Ruto (Looking at Link): You thought I was going to jump in the fire?
(Link doesn't answer but looks bashfully at the ground.)
Ruto: And you went to all that to save me?!
Link: Well I..You know...it's my job and all, so I----HEY!
(Ruto has jumped on top of Link with a squeal of joy, causing the Hero of Time to topple over and lay there trapped in the sand while the other members of the tribe crack up and try [rather unsuccessfully] to suppress their laughter)
(We see Nabooru's entire [as in we can see her whole body] profile silhouetted against the breathtaking Gerudo Valley sunset. A little line of torches approaches as the Tribe Solain prepares to vote one of their own out of their tribe forever.)
Nabooru: Ok, everyone ready?
Solain: Yes.
Nabooru: Ok. Let's go.
(Nabooru leads the tribe inside the Spirit Temple and up the stairs to the little area with red carpeting. There is one long wooden bench and a comfy- looking gilded throne, set facing each other. Behind the throne [Which is facing the entrance} are set, four on each side, eight torches. On the viewer's left, only three are lit, and on the other side all four are burning brightly. The contestants sit down on the bench while Nabooru is missing. We hear yells from off camera.)
Nabooru: LET GO! LET GO OF ME! I'M INNOCENT, I TELL YOU! INNOCENT! DON'T HURT MEEEEEEEEEEE!!!
Solain: o_o;
(Just when things couldn't get any weirder, they do. Into the temple walks Bombchu guy! Apparently he's the backup host.)
Bombchu Guy: Greetings, unlucky contestants! I'll be your host tonight, so let's get started!
(BG Pushes the throne out of the way and, out of nowhere, produces his usual flying carpet and sits happily on it.)
BG: Now will someone please let me know what's going on?
(All of Solain crashes down Anime-style as a stage hand guy wearing a headset runs out, whispers something in BG's ear, and hands him a little slip of paper. When we look again, the members of Solain have reappeared in their spots on the bench.)
BG: Now, the one who is voted off the show is---
Link: Wait!
BG: What?
Link: Shouldn't you add more drama to it?
Saria: Yeah! Like those old sci-fi suspense movies!
Impa: Or soap operas!
BG: Uh... does anyone have a dramatic fanfare?
SBG #1 (Where do these guys come from? They're everywhere!) : I DO! I DO!!!
BG: Good. Use it.
SBG #1: OK!
(Dramatic Fanfare)
BG: Uh, Switchboard guy?
(Dramatic Fanfare)
(Dramatic Fanfare)
(Dramatic Fanfare)
(Dramatic Fanfare)
(Dramatic Fanfare)
(Dramatic Fanfare)
(Dramatic Fanfare)
(Dramatic Fanfare)
BG: Uhh...hello?
(Dramatic Fanfare)
(Dramatic Fanfare)
(Dramatic Fanfare)
(Dramatic Fanfare)
(Dramatic Fanfare)
BG: SWITCHBOARD GUY! NOT YET!
SBG: Oh. Sorry. ¬_¬
BG: Thank you. Now, the one who has to leave is...
(Suspensive silence)
(Dramatic Fanfare)
(Dramatic Fanfare)
(Dramatic Fanfare)
(Suspensive silence)
BG: Ruto. You're outta here.
Ruto: WHAT?!?!? NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!
(Everybody says their good-byes as Ruto is slowly beginning to calm down.)
Ruto: Take care of Frankie, will you?
Impa: Of course we will, dear.
Ruto: Link, thanks for trying to save me.
(Link blushes and looks at the ground.)
Ruto: Saria, I'm sorry for bugging you constantly with Frank. Can you forgive me?
Saria: Of course! Thank you for the apology, though.
(Everyone hugs and waves to each other. Ruto extinguishes her torch using her Sage Powers and exits silently into the same room Darunia went so many chapters ago. We think the episode is over when..)
Saria: Wait a minute! Why are those Hylian Soldiers arresting Nabooru?
HS #1: Alleged insider trading.
Impa: What? What do you mean?
HS #1: It's a known fact that Ms. Nabooru here sold all her stock in the "Colossus" fanfic right before the prices plummeted!
Link: Wait a minute! Isn't, or WASN'T, Nabooru the ONLY owner of stock in this fanfic?
Nabooru: THANK YOU! That's what I've been trying to tell you!
HS #2: Well, can someone prove it?
BG: I can!
(He holds up the little slip of paper)
Impa: Wait, isn't that what the name of the booted member was written on?
BG: Yeah, but look what I just noticed that it's written on the back of a shredded up piece of confidential "Colossus" financial records! Look, it shows that Nabooru was indeed the ONLY owner of stock in the Fanfic!
HS #3: What about Kaori-chan? She's the author, isn't she? She would have to have stock in it!
HS #1: Oh, please! Who needs stock when you have ultimate power at your fingertips?
(A/N: I love computers. One little click and every character is in the palm of your hand! Muahahah.)
Link: You've got a point there.
HS #1: Well, with this proof, we have no choice but to free Ms. Nabooru! Sorry for the inconvenience, Ma'am!
(The Hylian Soldiers let go of Nabooru and leave. As the credits roll and the show's theme song plays, we watch the Solain Tribe members as they walk back to camp. As the music fades out and the credits stop, the screen goes blank and the show ends.)