An Colossus
A Fanfic by Kaori-chan
Sorry for deserting you guys! I've been really, *REALLY* occupied, what with marching band and school and the like. But here's the next episode, hot off the keyboard! (Ba-dum-chi!)
Oh, and thanks to my friends Heather and Brad for helping me out with this chapter. You know what you did...
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(We see the usual opening: Gerudo guards patrolling the maze of clay structure that is their hideout, with a stunning sunset stretching its fingers across the valley. There is a silhouette atop the highest of these buildings. We hear a female voice speaking, presumably the owner of the silhouette.)
Female Voice: We have been here for years. We survive in the desert where no one else can. But all things must change, like the setting of the sun and the rising of the moon. For the first time in Gerudo history, outsiders will pass the haunted wastelands and into the Desert Colossus to participate in a contest of wit, endurance, and skills. But this is no adventure. It is a competition. A game. And only the last to leave can truly call themself:
Survivor.
(Eerie music starts, kind of like a remix of the Gerudo Valley song and the Gerudo's Hideout song with some ocarina playing mixed in. We see a shot of the Desert Colossus, with two different camps: one on each side, but equidistant from the Desert Oasis: now dancing in clear, crystalline water. The song ends, and we see Nabooru standing on the steps of the Spirit Temple.)
Nabooru: Greetings, and welcome! On today's episode of Colossus, we have some quite unexpected things happening, so hold on tight while we go RIGHT TO THE ACTION! NO COMMERCIAL TODAY! MUAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!!
(The screen fades out [rather quickly] and we see Tribe Solain coping with the loss of Ruto: if "coping" is what you want to call it. And for that matter, "loss" too..)
Link: (stuffing his face)
Impa: (Stuffing her face)
Saria (dancing for joy): I'M FREE! FREE! FREE OF THAT DUMB SNAIL! FRRRRRREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!
(Saria sits down on a rock, apparently about to pop open a bag of Cheez-E- Puffs, when she notices Frank sitting beside her on the rock.)
Saria: Not you! Go away! Shoo! Don't bother me ever again!
Frank: ...
Saria: Don't make me throw you again!
Frank: ....
Saria: Oh, for Nayru's sake!
(Saria stands up and is about to chuck the poor snail across the horizon, when a single spotlight shows up from nowhere while everything else goes dark.)
Saria: What the---?!?!?
Frank: (Singing Donkey's song from "Shrek" in snail language. The translation appears in subtitles at the bottom of the screen.)
Saria: OH, HOW CUTE! I mean...uh... silly tricks won't fool me! You can't play "cute" with me. I despise snails!
Frank: (Sad snail face)
Saria: ....
Frank: (Puppy-dog eyes, anime-style [You know. Huge and shiny-looking])
Saria: I..uh..
Frank: (Puppy dog eyes)
Saria: I..I..I...I LOVE YOU, FRANK!
(Saria picks Frank up and gives him a huge, Goron-style hug and walks off to get more for her gorgeous gastropod.)
(Tribe Solain...kind of: Zelda is still following Rauru through he desert. Apparently the two have resolved to go back to camp, but can't find the way.)
Zelda: I could have sworn this was the right way!
Rauru: Why'd you have to go and get us lost?
Zelda: ME?!? It was YOUR stupid idea to ask that Guay for directions! (She holds up a very angry-looking red slash across the back of her arm) This is what we got! Directions? No. Help? No! ANY FREAKING IDEA OF WHERE WE ARE? NO! You pick where to go then, genius!
(Rauru is about to answer when he notices a tumbleweed speed by in the foreground.)
Rauru: Did you know those lived here?
Zelda: Absolutely no clue.
(Tribe Tresaid [what's left of it])
Malon: (Singing Epona's Song softly to herself) Doddeedoo....Doodeedoo.. Doodeedoodeedoo..
(We hear a neigh and a very familiar red horse runs up.)
Malon: EPONA?! What are you doing here?! Go on back home! Shoo!
Epona: ...
Malon: You heard me! Go on!
Epona: ...
Malon: Why are you even here?
Epona: ..
Malon: Right. The song.
Epona: ...
Malon: *Sigh* When are those two gonna get back?
Epona: ...
(The winds start to pick up, and almost immediately almost all anybody can see is sand. Here we see all the contestants' reactions.)
Saria: o_______O?
Link: Uh-oh.
Impa: Darn it! I just cleaned the camp!
Malon: This is definitely NOT good.
Epona: ...
Zelda: CRAP!
Rauru: Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!
Nabooru: Uh-oh! Looks like we have a problem! But unfortunately, we can't continue our fine *cough*YEAHRIGHT*coughcough* programming without those precious advertising dollars! So, without further ado, here is our latest benevolent supporter!
(The screen fades into black and as it comes back into focus we see Frank [????] standing against a dark blue backdrop. He [rather slowly] turns his head toward the camera and begins talking in Snail Language. Fortunately, the translation is shown at the bottom of the screen in the form of anime- style subtitles.)
Frank: (Hello! You might be wondering what a snail like me is doing in a television commercial. Well, I'm here to tell you that I have just joined up with the e-business bandwagon!)
Psycho Announcer Voice Thing: Introducing Hyrule Online! Every day, more and more Hylians are getting high-speed cable modems and DSL for less. But why bother with efficiency and speed when you can pay more to get crappy customer service, no satisfaction, and the guaranteed slowest ISP out there?
Frank: (Hyrule Online: So annoying to use, no wonder it's number one *cough*trillionfivehundredthirtythreethousandsevenhundredandtwopointfive*cou ghcough*)
(The screen goes black. As it comes back in we see Tribe Solain gathered around Nabooru. Or we would if it weren't for the blinding sandstorm driving across the desert. Everyone has to shout due to the wind)
Saria: WHAT'S GOING ON HERE?
Nabooru: A SANDSTORM! CAN'T YOU SEE THAT?
Link: OF COURSE I CAN! WHAT ELSE CAN I SEE RIGHT NOW?
Nabooru: FORTUATELY, WE ARE PREPARED FOR EMERGENCY SITUATIONS LIKE THIS. EVERYBODY PLEASE STAND CLOSE TOGETHER!
(The group huddles up even more [even though we can only see flying sand] and Nabooru instantly warps them to safety. Next we see [you know what I mean] Nabooru talking to Malon. Or is that shouting?)
Nabooru: WHERE ARE RAURU AND ZELDA?
Malon: I HAVE NO CLUE! YOU SHOULD KNOW IF YOU'RE THE HOST, SHOULDN'T YOU?
Nabooru: HEY! I'M NOT ALL-KNOWING, OKAY?
(With that, Nabooru warps Malon to safety. We now go to the Statue Room in the Spirit Temple [You know, the one with the statue you melt the face off of. Only the face is there today.], where we can actually SEE what's going on. Tribe Solain and Malon are gathered in the middle of the room around Nabooru. Against one wall is stacked everything from both camps.)
Malon: What's going on here?
Saria: Is Frank ok? Where is he?
Impa: Is she okay?
Link: Maybe she hit her head.
Nabooru: Quiet! Now, you may all be wondering why I brought you all here---
Link: Nope!
Impa: Not really.
Malon: Uh-uh.
Nabooru: Well, fine! But for the sake of the readers---
Saria: But they know what's going on, too!
Nabooru: All right, already! For the sake of hearing myself talk, I'm going to say it! For the safety of our cast and crew, the show will be held in this room in the Spirit Temple for the remainder of this sandstorm.
All contestants and crew: WHAAAAAAAT?! YOU NEVER TOLD US THAT!
Nabooru: Oh, for Din's sake! WOULD YOU ALL SHUT UP?!
Everyone else in the room: Meep! Okay!
Nabooru: Unfortunately, we have had no word from two of our contestants: Rauru and Zelda are nowhere to be found.
(This gets some surprising results. A very grey-faced Impa sits down on the floor, Malon looks like she's about to faint, and Saria is running like a maniac about the room.)
Saria: OMIGOSH! WHAT ARE WE GONNA DO? WE HAVE TO SOMETHING BUT WHAT CAN WE DO OMIGOSH I'M SCARED I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS IS HAPPENEING SOMEBODY HEEELLLLP!!!
Malon: Ack! You're making it worse! Stop yelling! Stop yelling!
Impa: ..gone...
Saria: HELP!
Malon: Stop yelling!
Impa: I can't believe it.
Saria: DO SOMETHING!
Malon: Stop yelling!
Impa: We have to rescue them!
Saria: That's what I've been saying! Let's go!
Malon: Hey, has anyone seen Link?
(Sure enough, the Hero of Time is gone. Everyone seems confused and starts yelling even more.)
Nabooru: WILL YOU ALL SHUT UP?!?!?
All: EEP!
Nabooru: Thank you.
(Nabooru turns toward the camera while the contestants resume yelling at each other in the background.)
Nabooru: Unfortunately, we are out of time for this episode. What will happen next time? Where is Link? And will everyone EVER stop yelling? Find out next time on Colossus: The Hylian Survival Adventure!
Sorry for deserting you guys! I've been really, *REALLY* occupied, what with marching band and school and the like. But here's the next episode, hot off the keyboard! (Ba-dum-chi!)
Oh, and thanks to my friends Heather and Brad for helping me out with this chapter. You know what you did...
¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤
(We see the usual opening: Gerudo guards patrolling the maze of clay structure that is their hideout, with a stunning sunset stretching its fingers across the valley. There is a silhouette atop the highest of these buildings. We hear a female voice speaking, presumably the owner of the silhouette.)
Female Voice: We have been here for years. We survive in the desert where no one else can. But all things must change, like the setting of the sun and the rising of the moon. For the first time in Gerudo history, outsiders will pass the haunted wastelands and into the Desert Colossus to participate in a contest of wit, endurance, and skills. But this is no adventure. It is a competition. A game. And only the last to leave can truly call themself:
Survivor.
(Eerie music starts, kind of like a remix of the Gerudo Valley song and the Gerudo's Hideout song with some ocarina playing mixed in. We see a shot of the Desert Colossus, with two different camps: one on each side, but equidistant from the Desert Oasis: now dancing in clear, crystalline water. The song ends, and we see Nabooru standing on the steps of the Spirit Temple.)
Nabooru: Greetings, and welcome! On today's episode of Colossus, we have some quite unexpected things happening, so hold on tight while we go RIGHT TO THE ACTION! NO COMMERCIAL TODAY! MUAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!!
(The screen fades out [rather quickly] and we see Tribe Solain coping with the loss of Ruto: if "coping" is what you want to call it. And for that matter, "loss" too..)
Link: (stuffing his face)
Impa: (Stuffing her face)
Saria (dancing for joy): I'M FREE! FREE! FREE OF THAT DUMB SNAIL! FRRRRRREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!
(Saria sits down on a rock, apparently about to pop open a bag of Cheez-E- Puffs, when she notices Frank sitting beside her on the rock.)
Saria: Not you! Go away! Shoo! Don't bother me ever again!
Frank: ...
Saria: Don't make me throw you again!
Frank: ....
Saria: Oh, for Nayru's sake!
(Saria stands up and is about to chuck the poor snail across the horizon, when a single spotlight shows up from nowhere while everything else goes dark.)
Saria: What the---?!?!?
Frank: (Singing Donkey's song from "Shrek" in snail language. The translation appears in subtitles at the bottom of the screen.)
Saria: OH, HOW CUTE! I mean...uh... silly tricks won't fool me! You can't play "cute" with me. I despise snails!
Frank: (Sad snail face)
Saria: ....
Frank: (Puppy-dog eyes, anime-style [You know. Huge and shiny-looking])
Saria: I..uh..
Frank: (Puppy dog eyes)
Saria: I..I..I...I LOVE YOU, FRANK!
(Saria picks Frank up and gives him a huge, Goron-style hug and walks off to get more for her gorgeous gastropod.)
(Tribe Solain...kind of: Zelda is still following Rauru through he desert. Apparently the two have resolved to go back to camp, but can't find the way.)
Zelda: I could have sworn this was the right way!
Rauru: Why'd you have to go and get us lost?
Zelda: ME?!? It was YOUR stupid idea to ask that Guay for directions! (She holds up a very angry-looking red slash across the back of her arm) This is what we got! Directions? No. Help? No! ANY FREAKING IDEA OF WHERE WE ARE? NO! You pick where to go then, genius!
(Rauru is about to answer when he notices a tumbleweed speed by in the foreground.)
Rauru: Did you know those lived here?
Zelda: Absolutely no clue.
(Tribe Tresaid [what's left of it])
Malon: (Singing Epona's Song softly to herself) Doddeedoo....Doodeedoo.. Doodeedoodeedoo..
(We hear a neigh and a very familiar red horse runs up.)
Malon: EPONA?! What are you doing here?! Go on back home! Shoo!
Epona: ...
Malon: You heard me! Go on!
Epona: ...
Malon: Why are you even here?
Epona: ..
Malon: Right. The song.
Epona: ...
Malon: *Sigh* When are those two gonna get back?
Epona: ...
(The winds start to pick up, and almost immediately almost all anybody can see is sand. Here we see all the contestants' reactions.)
Saria: o_______O?
Link: Uh-oh.
Impa: Darn it! I just cleaned the camp!
Malon: This is definitely NOT good.
Epona: ...
Zelda: CRAP!
Rauru: Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!
Nabooru: Uh-oh! Looks like we have a problem! But unfortunately, we can't continue our fine *cough*YEAHRIGHT*coughcough* programming without those precious advertising dollars! So, without further ado, here is our latest benevolent supporter!
(The screen fades into black and as it comes back into focus we see Frank [????] standing against a dark blue backdrop. He [rather slowly] turns his head toward the camera and begins talking in Snail Language. Fortunately, the translation is shown at the bottom of the screen in the form of anime- style subtitles.)
Frank: (Hello! You might be wondering what a snail like me is doing in a television commercial. Well, I'm here to tell you that I have just joined up with the e-business bandwagon!)
Psycho Announcer Voice Thing: Introducing Hyrule Online! Every day, more and more Hylians are getting high-speed cable modems and DSL for less. But why bother with efficiency and speed when you can pay more to get crappy customer service, no satisfaction, and the guaranteed slowest ISP out there?
Frank: (Hyrule Online: So annoying to use, no wonder it's number one *cough*trillionfivehundredthirtythreethousandsevenhundredandtwopointfive*cou ghcough*)
(The screen goes black. As it comes back in we see Tribe Solain gathered around Nabooru. Or we would if it weren't for the blinding sandstorm driving across the desert. Everyone has to shout due to the wind)
Saria: WHAT'S GOING ON HERE?
Nabooru: A SANDSTORM! CAN'T YOU SEE THAT?
Link: OF COURSE I CAN! WHAT ELSE CAN I SEE RIGHT NOW?
Nabooru: FORTUATELY, WE ARE PREPARED FOR EMERGENCY SITUATIONS LIKE THIS. EVERYBODY PLEASE STAND CLOSE TOGETHER!
(The group huddles up even more [even though we can only see flying sand] and Nabooru instantly warps them to safety. Next we see [you know what I mean] Nabooru talking to Malon. Or is that shouting?)
Nabooru: WHERE ARE RAURU AND ZELDA?
Malon: I HAVE NO CLUE! YOU SHOULD KNOW IF YOU'RE THE HOST, SHOULDN'T YOU?
Nabooru: HEY! I'M NOT ALL-KNOWING, OKAY?
(With that, Nabooru warps Malon to safety. We now go to the Statue Room in the Spirit Temple [You know, the one with the statue you melt the face off of. Only the face is there today.], where we can actually SEE what's going on. Tribe Solain and Malon are gathered in the middle of the room around Nabooru. Against one wall is stacked everything from both camps.)
Malon: What's going on here?
Saria: Is Frank ok? Where is he?
Impa: Is she okay?
Link: Maybe she hit her head.
Nabooru: Quiet! Now, you may all be wondering why I brought you all here---
Link: Nope!
Impa: Not really.
Malon: Uh-uh.
Nabooru: Well, fine! But for the sake of the readers---
Saria: But they know what's going on, too!
Nabooru: All right, already! For the sake of hearing myself talk, I'm going to say it! For the safety of our cast and crew, the show will be held in this room in the Spirit Temple for the remainder of this sandstorm.
All contestants and crew: WHAAAAAAAT?! YOU NEVER TOLD US THAT!
Nabooru: Oh, for Din's sake! WOULD YOU ALL SHUT UP?!
Everyone else in the room: Meep! Okay!
Nabooru: Unfortunately, we have had no word from two of our contestants: Rauru and Zelda are nowhere to be found.
(This gets some surprising results. A very grey-faced Impa sits down on the floor, Malon looks like she's about to faint, and Saria is running like a maniac about the room.)
Saria: OMIGOSH! WHAT ARE WE GONNA DO? WE HAVE TO SOMETHING BUT WHAT CAN WE DO OMIGOSH I'M SCARED I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS IS HAPPENEING SOMEBODY HEEELLLLP!!!
Malon: Ack! You're making it worse! Stop yelling! Stop yelling!
Impa: ..gone...
Saria: HELP!
Malon: Stop yelling!
Impa: I can't believe it.
Saria: DO SOMETHING!
Malon: Stop yelling!
Impa: We have to rescue them!
Saria: That's what I've been saying! Let's go!
Malon: Hey, has anyone seen Link?
(Sure enough, the Hero of Time is gone. Everyone seems confused and starts yelling even more.)
Nabooru: WILL YOU ALL SHUT UP?!?!?
All: EEP!
Nabooru: Thank you.
(Nabooru turns toward the camera while the contestants resume yelling at each other in the background.)
Nabooru: Unfortunately, we are out of time for this episode. What will happen next time? Where is Link? And will everyone EVER stop yelling? Find out next time on Colossus: The Hylian Survival Adventure!