Colossus
A Fanfic by Kaori-chan
I guess I have a lot to answer for, don't I? Gomen nasai for not updating sooner! I hope all you readers are still out there! Well, if you are, thanks! And here's the next installment in Colossus: The Hylian Survival Adventure!
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(We see the usual opening: Gerudo guards patrolling the maze of clay structure that is their hideout, with a stunning sunset stretching its fingers across the valley. There is a silhouette atop the highest of these buildings. We hear a female voice speaking, presumably the owner of the silhouette.)
Female Voice: We have been here for years. We survive in the desert where no one else can. But all things must change, like the setting of the sun and the rising of the moon. For the first time in Gerudo history, outsiders will pass the haunted wastelands and into the Desert Colossus to participate in a contest of wit, endurance, and skills. But this is no adventure. It is a competition. A game. And only the last to leave can truly call themself:
Survivor.
(Eerie music starts, kind of like a remix of the Gerudo Valley song and the Gerudo's Hideout song with some ocarina playing mixed in. We see a shot of the Desert Colossus, with two different camps: one on each side, but equidistant from the Desert Oasis: now dancing in clear, crystalline water. The song ends, and we see Nabooru standing on the steps of the Spirit Temple.)
Nabooru: Greetings everyone, and welcome to today's episode! Last time we checked in on our contestants, unchecked madness and chaos reigned supreme. Where did Link go? Will anyone stop yelling? And since when HAVE those tumbleweeds lived in the Desert Colossus? Hold on tight, and we'll see the answer: right after this commercial break!
(The screen fades out, but not the sound. It seems the ever so blunderful tech crew has lost the film reel, tape, DVD, and queue cards for today's commercial. Which allows us to hear a very suspicious event..)
Voice of Nabooru: What do you want? .. No, it's gone on far enough. .. Wait a minute.. No... Don't come any closer! Stay-Stay back! What are you----? UNNH!!
(With that we hear a large "THUD", and the sound cuts off. We go first to the Spirit Temple, where the two tribes are getting to know each other.)
Impa: So you're the last of Tresaid, right?
Malon: Don't say that! It's only until Rauru and Zelda come back!
Saria: I dunno. It seems awfully bleak if you ask me. Right, Frank?
Impa: Just what is your problem?
Saria: Whatever do you mean?
Impa: I thought you hated that snail! Now you're drooling all over the thing!
Saria: Is it my fault he's just so wonderfully cute and perfect in every way?
Impa: Yes.
Malon: (Sweatdrops) Excuse me, but I think we have more important things to discuss here.
Saria: Like what? What's going to happen to the three contestants lost in the desert?
Impa and Malon: YES!!!
(The screen fades out and fades back in on a dark blur of sand, with a darker blur moving through it. When the figure speaks, we recognize it as Link.)
Voice of Link: We now join our marvelous and handsome hero Link, as he journeys through sand, wind and unfathomable peril to rescue yet another princess and yet another grouchy guy who really didn't want to be rescued in the first place! It may look bleak, but NOTHING is impossible for LINK! THE UNDISPUTED HERO OF TIME AND CHAMPION OF THE WORLD!
(Dramatic Fanfare)
Link: Huh? Where'd that come from? Hey, the wind's dying down!
(And as we can see, it is. But the sight that meets our eyes isn't pretty. A vast garbage dump stretches far across the Desert Colossus [A/N: The Colossus is much bigger than it was in the game], and on top of it is a familiar face. Well, three, actually.)
Link: Zelda! Rauru! GANON?!?!?
Zelda: Link! Help--- Oh, forget it. You know the drill.
Rauru: Go away! I don't want to be rescued! I can handle this own my own!
(I guess Link was right. Unfortunately, Rauru is wrong. Ganon has them imprisoned inside some old tires, and Zelda's shoelaces are tied together. Cheez-E-Puffs bags are littered everywhere.)
Link: GANON! Why you.. you. YOU LITTERER!
Ganon: You fool! There's nothing you can do to stop me from kidnapping your friends and spreading my evil mess of Cheez-E-Puffs bags over the ENTIRE DESERT COLOSSUS! MUAHAHAHAHAH!!!
Link: Uhmm.. Excuse me?
Ganon: What now? Can't you see I was in the middle of an evil cackle?
Link: Yeah, but you already did all that! So, technically, you're right. I can't stop you, because I can't go back in time!
Zelda: Just what in Din's name do you think you're doing? Admitting defeat like that! Honestly! So much for undisputed champion of the world!
Link: HEY! That's The Undisputed Hero of Time AND Champion of the World!
(Dramatic fanfare)
Link: Where the heck do those keep coming from?
(In the background, one of the omnipresent Switchboard Guys snickers evilly and creeps off camera)
Link: *AHEM!* ANYWAYS, I can't stop you, but I CAN undo your evil deeds! PREPARE TO DIE, SUCKAH!!!!
Ganon: And what makes you think you can? You don't have the Master Sword with you!
Link: D'OH!
Zelda: D'OH!
Rauru: D'OH! I forgot to turn off my Game Boy!
Link, Zelda and Ganon: o_________O?!?!?
Ganon: Like I was saying, you can't stop me without your precious Master Sword! And you can't warp to it or you'll be automatically kicked off the show! MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!
Link: You're wrong, Ganon!
Ganon: Darn it, Link! What did I tell you about interrupting my evil cackling?!?
Link: I can stop you!
Ganon: And why is that?
Link: Because! I have the.the..the..
(Link glances around nervously and picks up a discarded one-liter plastic bottle, formerly filled with Coca Cola)
Link: AHA! I have the MASTER COKE BOTTLE!!!!
(Dramatic fanfare)
All: *GAAAASP* THE MASTER COKE BOTTLE?!
Link: Yes! The Master Coke Bottle! With the power of leftover caffeine and sugar, I can easily defeat the junk food junkie, Ganon!
(Upon saying this, Link jumps up the garbage heap, Coke bottle raised, and proceeds with thwacking Ganon on the head with it.)
Ganon: OW! OWWIE!!!! OWOWOWOWOWOWWWWWWWW!!!!
Link: YAH! No one can stand up to the tranquilizing power of too much sugar!
Zelda: He's right! Look!
(Sure enough, something looks seriously wrong with Ganon. He begins twitching uncontrollably in a manner that looks very uncomfortable.)
Ganon: S-S-S-S-S-Sugar-sugar r-r-r-rush-sh-sh-sh-sh!!! Oooohhhh.
(Everyone knows what happens after a sugar rush. Ganon falls down, so lethargic he can't move. Unable to summon the energy to remain here, Ganon fades away: back to his prison in the Sacred Realm. The garbage dump fades away and Nabooru materializes in midair, while the former captives fall onto the ground due to the absence of something to sit on.)
Zelda and Rauru: OUCH!
Nabooru: Well done, Hero of Time!
Link: Excuse me! That's Undisputed Hero of Time AND Champion of the World!
(Dramatic fanfare)
Nabooru: *Eyeroll* Riiiiiiiiiiiiight. Anyways, thanks for clearing that whole mess up for me! I was in big trouble before you came up with that Master Coke Bottle idea!
Zelda: What do you mean?
Nabooru: Well, you see...
(Continued in Next Chapter)
I guess I have a lot to answer for, don't I? Gomen nasai for not updating sooner! I hope all you readers are still out there! Well, if you are, thanks! And here's the next installment in Colossus: The Hylian Survival Adventure!
¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤
(We see the usual opening: Gerudo guards patrolling the maze of clay structure that is their hideout, with a stunning sunset stretching its fingers across the valley. There is a silhouette atop the highest of these buildings. We hear a female voice speaking, presumably the owner of the silhouette.)
Female Voice: We have been here for years. We survive in the desert where no one else can. But all things must change, like the setting of the sun and the rising of the moon. For the first time in Gerudo history, outsiders will pass the haunted wastelands and into the Desert Colossus to participate in a contest of wit, endurance, and skills. But this is no adventure. It is a competition. A game. And only the last to leave can truly call themself:
Survivor.
(Eerie music starts, kind of like a remix of the Gerudo Valley song and the Gerudo's Hideout song with some ocarina playing mixed in. We see a shot of the Desert Colossus, with two different camps: one on each side, but equidistant from the Desert Oasis: now dancing in clear, crystalline water. The song ends, and we see Nabooru standing on the steps of the Spirit Temple.)
Nabooru: Greetings everyone, and welcome to today's episode! Last time we checked in on our contestants, unchecked madness and chaos reigned supreme. Where did Link go? Will anyone stop yelling? And since when HAVE those tumbleweeds lived in the Desert Colossus? Hold on tight, and we'll see the answer: right after this commercial break!
(The screen fades out, but not the sound. It seems the ever so blunderful tech crew has lost the film reel, tape, DVD, and queue cards for today's commercial. Which allows us to hear a very suspicious event..)
Voice of Nabooru: What do you want? .. No, it's gone on far enough. .. Wait a minute.. No... Don't come any closer! Stay-Stay back! What are you----? UNNH!!
(With that we hear a large "THUD", and the sound cuts off. We go first to the Spirit Temple, where the two tribes are getting to know each other.)
Impa: So you're the last of Tresaid, right?
Malon: Don't say that! It's only until Rauru and Zelda come back!
Saria: I dunno. It seems awfully bleak if you ask me. Right, Frank?
Impa: Just what is your problem?
Saria: Whatever do you mean?
Impa: I thought you hated that snail! Now you're drooling all over the thing!
Saria: Is it my fault he's just so wonderfully cute and perfect in every way?
Impa: Yes.
Malon: (Sweatdrops) Excuse me, but I think we have more important things to discuss here.
Saria: Like what? What's going to happen to the three contestants lost in the desert?
Impa and Malon: YES!!!
(The screen fades out and fades back in on a dark blur of sand, with a darker blur moving through it. When the figure speaks, we recognize it as Link.)
Voice of Link: We now join our marvelous and handsome hero Link, as he journeys through sand, wind and unfathomable peril to rescue yet another princess and yet another grouchy guy who really didn't want to be rescued in the first place! It may look bleak, but NOTHING is impossible for LINK! THE UNDISPUTED HERO OF TIME AND CHAMPION OF THE WORLD!
(Dramatic Fanfare)
Link: Huh? Where'd that come from? Hey, the wind's dying down!
(And as we can see, it is. But the sight that meets our eyes isn't pretty. A vast garbage dump stretches far across the Desert Colossus [A/N: The Colossus is much bigger than it was in the game], and on top of it is a familiar face. Well, three, actually.)
Link: Zelda! Rauru! GANON?!?!?
Zelda: Link! Help--- Oh, forget it. You know the drill.
Rauru: Go away! I don't want to be rescued! I can handle this own my own!
(I guess Link was right. Unfortunately, Rauru is wrong. Ganon has them imprisoned inside some old tires, and Zelda's shoelaces are tied together. Cheez-E-Puffs bags are littered everywhere.)
Link: GANON! Why you.. you. YOU LITTERER!
Ganon: You fool! There's nothing you can do to stop me from kidnapping your friends and spreading my evil mess of Cheez-E-Puffs bags over the ENTIRE DESERT COLOSSUS! MUAHAHAHAHAH!!!
Link: Uhmm.. Excuse me?
Ganon: What now? Can't you see I was in the middle of an evil cackle?
Link: Yeah, but you already did all that! So, technically, you're right. I can't stop you, because I can't go back in time!
Zelda: Just what in Din's name do you think you're doing? Admitting defeat like that! Honestly! So much for undisputed champion of the world!
Link: HEY! That's The Undisputed Hero of Time AND Champion of the World!
(Dramatic fanfare)
Link: Where the heck do those keep coming from?
(In the background, one of the omnipresent Switchboard Guys snickers evilly and creeps off camera)
Link: *AHEM!* ANYWAYS, I can't stop you, but I CAN undo your evil deeds! PREPARE TO DIE, SUCKAH!!!!
Ganon: And what makes you think you can? You don't have the Master Sword with you!
Link: D'OH!
Zelda: D'OH!
Rauru: D'OH! I forgot to turn off my Game Boy!
Link, Zelda and Ganon: o_________O?!?!?
Ganon: Like I was saying, you can't stop me without your precious Master Sword! And you can't warp to it or you'll be automatically kicked off the show! MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!
Link: You're wrong, Ganon!
Ganon: Darn it, Link! What did I tell you about interrupting my evil cackling?!?
Link: I can stop you!
Ganon: And why is that?
Link: Because! I have the.the..the..
(Link glances around nervously and picks up a discarded one-liter plastic bottle, formerly filled with Coca Cola)
Link: AHA! I have the MASTER COKE BOTTLE!!!!
(Dramatic fanfare)
All: *GAAAASP* THE MASTER COKE BOTTLE?!
Link: Yes! The Master Coke Bottle! With the power of leftover caffeine and sugar, I can easily defeat the junk food junkie, Ganon!
(Upon saying this, Link jumps up the garbage heap, Coke bottle raised, and proceeds with thwacking Ganon on the head with it.)
Ganon: OW! OWWIE!!!! OWOWOWOWOWOWWWWWWWW!!!!
Link: YAH! No one can stand up to the tranquilizing power of too much sugar!
Zelda: He's right! Look!
(Sure enough, something looks seriously wrong with Ganon. He begins twitching uncontrollably in a manner that looks very uncomfortable.)
Ganon: S-S-S-S-S-Sugar-sugar r-r-r-rush-sh-sh-sh-sh!!! Oooohhhh.
(Everyone knows what happens after a sugar rush. Ganon falls down, so lethargic he can't move. Unable to summon the energy to remain here, Ganon fades away: back to his prison in the Sacred Realm. The garbage dump fades away and Nabooru materializes in midair, while the former captives fall onto the ground due to the absence of something to sit on.)
Zelda and Rauru: OUCH!
Nabooru: Well done, Hero of Time!
Link: Excuse me! That's Undisputed Hero of Time AND Champion of the World!
(Dramatic fanfare)
Nabooru: *Eyeroll* Riiiiiiiiiiiiight. Anyways, thanks for clearing that whole mess up for me! I was in big trouble before you came up with that Master Coke Bottle idea!
Zelda: What do you mean?
Nabooru: Well, you see...
(Continued in Next Chapter)