Colossus
A Fanfic by Kaori-chan!
Oi..you know the drill.
*Runs in, panicked and breathing heavily* Oi, you guys, I am so sorry! Time just got away from me! I promise I'll work harder and hopefully this won't happen again. But I guess I can't just go on rambling like this, so without any more months of waiting, here's the next episode!
¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤
(We see the usual opening: Gerudo guards patrolling the maze of clay structure that is their hideout, with a stunning sunset stretching its fingers across the valley. There is a silhouette atop the highest of these buildings. We hear a female voice speaking, presumably the owner of the silhouette.)
Female Voice: We have been here for years. We survive in the desert where no one else can. But all things must change, like the setting of the sun and the rising of the moon. For the first time in Gerudo history, outsiders will pass the haunted wastelands and into the Desert Colossus to participate in a contest of wit, endurance, and skills. But this is no adventure. It is a competition. A game. And only the last to leave can truly call themself:
Survivor.
(Eerie music starts, kind of like a remix of the Gerudo Valley song and the Gerudo's Hideout song with some ocarina playing mixed in. We see a shot of the Desert Colossus, with two different camps: one on each side, but equidistant from the Desert Oasis: now dancing in clear, crystalline water. The song ends, and we see Nabooru, Link, Zelda, and Rauru gathered at the former site of Ganon's trash heap. Nabooru is talking on her new cell phone while Link is attempting to use the Master Coke Bottle to slash the tires imprisoning the two sages, but it obviously isn't working very well.)
Zelda: Uhh..Link.
Link: Not now! I'll get you free soon! (He continues his attempts to cut rubber with cheap plastic.)
Zelda: Link..
Link: Hold on a sec! Now hold reeeeeeally still...I think I've almost got it! (He brings the sword up over his head, takes a deep breath, brings it down as hard as he can..and misses. He has, however, succeeded in landing a nasty blow to Zelda's head.)
Zelda: OW! LINK!
Link: WHAT?
Zelda: Listen, I don't think this is working.
Link. You're right. Hmm.
Rauru (who is mysteriously free of his tire): Here, let me help! (He walks over and slips the tire over Zelda's head, freeing the somewhat ticked off princess.)
Link and Zelda: ..
Zelda: What the---?
Rauru: You youngsters are dumber than I thought! All you had to do was stand up and take the thing off yourself!
Link: You could have said something. Now I'm all sore from swinging that bottle around?
Zelda: YOU'RE sore?! What about my HEAD?!?
Link: Uhh..
Zelda: Wait, we're getting off topic here. Rauru, why in Hyrule didn't you free us after Ganon caught us?
Rauru: I didn't feel like it.
(Link and Zelda crash down anime-style as Nabooru gets a little overexcited on her phone call.)
Nabooru (shouting into the phone): WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU CAN'T DELIVER IT TO THE TEMPLE?!? HOW ELSE AM I SUPPOSED TO---
(Incomprehensible mumbling is heard on the other end of the call.)
Nabooru: Listen, I don't care if you have to hire the goddesses themselves to get it here! You guys are the only real reliable news source out there! I refuse to be isolated while slaving away at this stupid TV show!
Zelda: Hyrule Times?
Rauru: Tabloids. Her room in the Light Temple is chock full of them. She's been sleeping in Impa's room ever since the bed broke under the weight of all the darned things!
(We go now to the Spirit Temple, where the remaining contestants are trying to amuse themselves until Nabooru comes back. Saria is laying in the middle of the room playing with Frank, Malon is composing a new song in the corner, and Impa is testing the reflexes of the flying pots, except they're not the flying ones, just ones that she's picking up and throwing across the room out of sheer boredom. Epona is being Epona, as always. From here we go back to the Desert, where we see that Nabooru has finished her phone call.)
Nabooru: Well now, I suppose I need to explain what just happened here.
Zelda, Link, Rauru, and every other crew member around: YOU THINK?!?
Nabooru: Okay, okay! Well, here's the way it works. It's too complicated for me to explain, so here's a little instructional video for you guys to watch. LIGHTS!
(Nabooru claps her hands and at once the screen blacks out and cheesy music starts up. We see what looks like a poorly animated NES-style movie, with chibi versions of everyone involved acting out the story as a stereotypical instructional movie voice tells the story.)
Stereotypical Instructional Movie Voice: You all may be wondering why all this happened..
Everyone except Nabooru: Well, duh!
SIMV: ...so the under worked Queue Card Guys, Switchboard Guys, and Camera Guys created this video to explain just what's going on here! You see, after the stock incident.
(the video shows Chibi Nabooru talking on a cell phone, a giant red arrow like on the financial reports pointing downwards, then Chibi Hylian Soldiers arresting and releasing a very angry Chibi Nabooru)
SIMV: ..the show was almost completely broke!
(now we see Chibi Nabooru shrugging as she pulls out empty (and huge) pockets from those gigantic pockets of hers)
SIMV: It was then that a mysterious businessman proposed a deal:
(we see what looks suspiciously like Chibi Ganon in a suit approaching a broke and frustrated Chibi Nabooru)
SIMV: If we would allow his company to dispose of their waste products, he would completely pay for our entire show! Of course, Nabooru was very excited and immediately agreed.
(Chibi Ganon shakes hands with Chibi Nabooru, who then jumps up and down and screams, holding the hand Chibi Ganon broke with his grip)
SIMV: It was then that the sandstorm was created to hide the mess the garbage dump had made.
(we see a giant sandstorm, and Chibi Nabooru warping the contestants [and Epona] to the inside of the Spirit Temple)
SIMV: Shortly afterwards, Nabooru realized that she had had a mistake.
(Chibi Nabooru gasps and runs frantically in circles)
SIMV: ...and tried to break the deal.
(Chibi Nabooru stamps her foot, crosses her arms, and shakes her head. A word bubble appears with the words "No more!" inside.)
SIMV: This so-called businessman got mad, so he kidnapped Nabooru.
(Chibi Suit-clad Ganon thwacks Chibi Nabooru on the head, who immediately passes out)
SIMV: Then Zelda and Rauru found the trash dump, and the businessman, who turned out to be Ganon in a Suit, was forced to capture them.
(Chibi Zelda and Chibi Rauru walk up to the trash dump, where Chibi Ganon captures them in the oh-so-stubborn old tires.)
SIMV: Then Link went to find them, and discovered Ganon's hideaway. You know the rest of the story.
(Chibi Link thwacks Chibi Ganon with the Master Coke Bottle, the trash dump disappears, and the words "THE END" flash across the screen. With that, we go to the Spirit Temple, where we see the reactions of the contestants who have apparently just been forced to watch the lamest movie in Hyrule for no apparent reason.)
Malon: What in the WORLD was THAT?
Epona: ..
Saria: I haven't the slightest idea.
Impa: Wait a second...you guys, I think this is why the sandstorm came up out of nowhere!
Saria: Hey, yeah! That does make sense!
Malon: And here I thought it was because of the tumbleweeds.
Impa: What would the tumbleweeds have to do with anything?
Malon: They could have thrown off the ecosystem, resulting in mass earthquakes, famines, SANDSTORMS, and other hideously violent natural disasters! As well as a shortage of Cheez-E-Puffs.
Impa and Saria: ...
Frank: ..
Epona: ..
(Back to the Desert!)
Nabooru: So, you see, that's what happened.
Link: YOU SOLD OUR SHOW?
Nabooru: Of course not! I just sold the Desert.
(Out of nowhere, a giant group of Gerudo appears and begins shouting at Nabooru.)
Gerudo: YOU SOLD OUR DESERT?!?
Nabooru: Of course not! What really happened was..
Gerudo #1: ..was?
Gerudo #2: Yeah, what happened?
Nabooru: I rented it out for the sake of a highly commercialized and political TV show that would soon be replaced by thousands of other TV shows exactly like it.
(Everyone except Nabooru crashes down anime style. Nabooru steps over the pile of crashed-down people and addresses the audience.)
Nabooru: There you have it, folks! The real explanation as to why we've forced the contestants to undergo confusion, relocation, and injury: CASH, BABY! That's all we have for today's show, so be sure to tune in next time when we can hopefully restore what little structure this show ever had! See ya!
(Nabooru returns to face the group of now-recovered people, who are all shouting at each other and Nabooru, who is trying to settle things down. The camera slowly zooms out as the Colossus theme song plays, the credits roll, and the show ends.)
*Runs in, panicked and breathing heavily* Oi, you guys, I am so sorry! Time just got away from me! I promise I'll work harder and hopefully this won't happen again. But I guess I can't just go on rambling like this, so without any more months of waiting, here's the next episode!
¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤
(We see the usual opening: Gerudo guards patrolling the maze of clay structure that is their hideout, with a stunning sunset stretching its fingers across the valley. There is a silhouette atop the highest of these buildings. We hear a female voice speaking, presumably the owner of the silhouette.)
Female Voice: We have been here for years. We survive in the desert where no one else can. But all things must change, like the setting of the sun and the rising of the moon. For the first time in Gerudo history, outsiders will pass the haunted wastelands and into the Desert Colossus to participate in a contest of wit, endurance, and skills. But this is no adventure. It is a competition. A game. And only the last to leave can truly call themself:
Survivor.
(Eerie music starts, kind of like a remix of the Gerudo Valley song and the Gerudo's Hideout song with some ocarina playing mixed in. We see a shot of the Desert Colossus, with two different camps: one on each side, but equidistant from the Desert Oasis: now dancing in clear, crystalline water. The song ends, and we see Nabooru, Link, Zelda, and Rauru gathered at the former site of Ganon's trash heap. Nabooru is talking on her new cell phone while Link is attempting to use the Master Coke Bottle to slash the tires imprisoning the two sages, but it obviously isn't working very well.)
Zelda: Uhh..Link.
Link: Not now! I'll get you free soon! (He continues his attempts to cut rubber with cheap plastic.)
Zelda: Link..
Link: Hold on a sec! Now hold reeeeeeally still...I think I've almost got it! (He brings the sword up over his head, takes a deep breath, brings it down as hard as he can..and misses. He has, however, succeeded in landing a nasty blow to Zelda's head.)
Zelda: OW! LINK!
Link: WHAT?
Zelda: Listen, I don't think this is working.
Link. You're right. Hmm.
Rauru (who is mysteriously free of his tire): Here, let me help! (He walks over and slips the tire over Zelda's head, freeing the somewhat ticked off princess.)
Link and Zelda: ..
Zelda: What the---?
Rauru: You youngsters are dumber than I thought! All you had to do was stand up and take the thing off yourself!
Link: You could have said something. Now I'm all sore from swinging that bottle around?
Zelda: YOU'RE sore?! What about my HEAD?!?
Link: Uhh..
Zelda: Wait, we're getting off topic here. Rauru, why in Hyrule didn't you free us after Ganon caught us?
Rauru: I didn't feel like it.
(Link and Zelda crash down anime-style as Nabooru gets a little overexcited on her phone call.)
Nabooru (shouting into the phone): WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU CAN'T DELIVER IT TO THE TEMPLE?!? HOW ELSE AM I SUPPOSED TO---
(Incomprehensible mumbling is heard on the other end of the call.)
Nabooru: Listen, I don't care if you have to hire the goddesses themselves to get it here! You guys are the only real reliable news source out there! I refuse to be isolated while slaving away at this stupid TV show!
Zelda: Hyrule Times?
Rauru: Tabloids. Her room in the Light Temple is chock full of them. She's been sleeping in Impa's room ever since the bed broke under the weight of all the darned things!
(We go now to the Spirit Temple, where the remaining contestants are trying to amuse themselves until Nabooru comes back. Saria is laying in the middle of the room playing with Frank, Malon is composing a new song in the corner, and Impa is testing the reflexes of the flying pots, except they're not the flying ones, just ones that she's picking up and throwing across the room out of sheer boredom. Epona is being Epona, as always. From here we go back to the Desert, where we see that Nabooru has finished her phone call.)
Nabooru: Well now, I suppose I need to explain what just happened here.
Zelda, Link, Rauru, and every other crew member around: YOU THINK?!?
Nabooru: Okay, okay! Well, here's the way it works. It's too complicated for me to explain, so here's a little instructional video for you guys to watch. LIGHTS!
(Nabooru claps her hands and at once the screen blacks out and cheesy music starts up. We see what looks like a poorly animated NES-style movie, with chibi versions of everyone involved acting out the story as a stereotypical instructional movie voice tells the story.)
Stereotypical Instructional Movie Voice: You all may be wondering why all this happened..
Everyone except Nabooru: Well, duh!
SIMV: ...so the under worked Queue Card Guys, Switchboard Guys, and Camera Guys created this video to explain just what's going on here! You see, after the stock incident.
(the video shows Chibi Nabooru talking on a cell phone, a giant red arrow like on the financial reports pointing downwards, then Chibi Hylian Soldiers arresting and releasing a very angry Chibi Nabooru)
SIMV: ..the show was almost completely broke!
(now we see Chibi Nabooru shrugging as she pulls out empty (and huge) pockets from those gigantic pockets of hers)
SIMV: It was then that a mysterious businessman proposed a deal:
(we see what looks suspiciously like Chibi Ganon in a suit approaching a broke and frustrated Chibi Nabooru)
SIMV: If we would allow his company to dispose of their waste products, he would completely pay for our entire show! Of course, Nabooru was very excited and immediately agreed.
(Chibi Ganon shakes hands with Chibi Nabooru, who then jumps up and down and screams, holding the hand Chibi Ganon broke with his grip)
SIMV: It was then that the sandstorm was created to hide the mess the garbage dump had made.
(we see a giant sandstorm, and Chibi Nabooru warping the contestants [and Epona] to the inside of the Spirit Temple)
SIMV: Shortly afterwards, Nabooru realized that she had had a mistake.
(Chibi Nabooru gasps and runs frantically in circles)
SIMV: ...and tried to break the deal.
(Chibi Nabooru stamps her foot, crosses her arms, and shakes her head. A word bubble appears with the words "No more!" inside.)
SIMV: This so-called businessman got mad, so he kidnapped Nabooru.
(Chibi Suit-clad Ganon thwacks Chibi Nabooru on the head, who immediately passes out)
SIMV: Then Zelda and Rauru found the trash dump, and the businessman, who turned out to be Ganon in a Suit, was forced to capture them.
(Chibi Zelda and Chibi Rauru walk up to the trash dump, where Chibi Ganon captures them in the oh-so-stubborn old tires.)
SIMV: Then Link went to find them, and discovered Ganon's hideaway. You know the rest of the story.
(Chibi Link thwacks Chibi Ganon with the Master Coke Bottle, the trash dump disappears, and the words "THE END" flash across the screen. With that, we go to the Spirit Temple, where we see the reactions of the contestants who have apparently just been forced to watch the lamest movie in Hyrule for no apparent reason.)
Malon: What in the WORLD was THAT?
Epona: ..
Saria: I haven't the slightest idea.
Impa: Wait a second...you guys, I think this is why the sandstorm came up out of nowhere!
Saria: Hey, yeah! That does make sense!
Malon: And here I thought it was because of the tumbleweeds.
Impa: What would the tumbleweeds have to do with anything?
Malon: They could have thrown off the ecosystem, resulting in mass earthquakes, famines, SANDSTORMS, and other hideously violent natural disasters! As well as a shortage of Cheez-E-Puffs.
Impa and Saria: ...
Frank: ..
Epona: ..
(Back to the Desert!)
Nabooru: So, you see, that's what happened.
Link: YOU SOLD OUR SHOW?
Nabooru: Of course not! I just sold the Desert.
(Out of nowhere, a giant group of Gerudo appears and begins shouting at Nabooru.)
Gerudo: YOU SOLD OUR DESERT?!?
Nabooru: Of course not! What really happened was..
Gerudo #1: ..was?
Gerudo #2: Yeah, what happened?
Nabooru: I rented it out for the sake of a highly commercialized and political TV show that would soon be replaced by thousands of other TV shows exactly like it.
(Everyone except Nabooru crashes down anime style. Nabooru steps over the pile of crashed-down people and addresses the audience.)
Nabooru: There you have it, folks! The real explanation as to why we've forced the contestants to undergo confusion, relocation, and injury: CASH, BABY! That's all we have for today's show, so be sure to tune in next time when we can hopefully restore what little structure this show ever had! See ya!
(Nabooru returns to face the group of now-recovered people, who are all shouting at each other and Nabooru, who is trying to settle things down. The camera slowly zooms out as the Colossus theme song plays, the credits roll, and the show ends.)