Sirius x Lupin | Harry Potter | PG | During Sirius and Lupin's years at Hogwarts
'We start, we stop. We start again, we stop again. What are we so afraid of? No one's stopping us but ourselves. I think James is for it. Not sure about Peter. But what about you, Moony? Are you for it, or against? They want us to be together. I want us to be together. But do you want us to be together?'
I look at him. He's completely oblivious to my feelings, my thoughts, the words inside my head. He can't give me an answer. Maybe I should have made him take Divination. I know it has to do with stars and tea leaves and other pansy things like that, but maybe some psychic powers would have rubbed off on him. A psychic werewolf. The thought makes me laugh. But if you were psychic, he could hear my thoughts as plain as day.
All the girls are so cheerful about it. The longer we take, the happier they are. How I hate them. Bumbling little things. Hi Sirius, how you doing Sirius, want to eat lunch with me Sirius? One girl went even so far to invite me to the prefect bathroom. Tempting, but no.
I tap my fingers in frustration. I hate all those girls who adore me. If they had started asking me a few years ago, I would have considered all their offers. Hell, I would have said yes! But now I hate them. I almost hate them as much as all of Remus's books.
I could live without all the whispers behind our backs. Are they dating yet? Have they kissed yet? Have they done it yet? Have they? Have they? Have they?
I don't know. Have we?
No. We haven't. They why haven't we? Because of you. Because you don't want to. Because you're afraid. Because you're too busy reading and being an anti-social git.
That's all he ever does, is read. James and I crack jokes behind his back all the time about him and his addiction to books. James said he liked books more than me. I punched James in the face for that.
I'm tired of taking our time. I've waited for him since the moment term started. But I'm through with waiting. I am not a patient person. I stand up, cross the common room to his table. Or I can only assume that it's a table, since I can't really see it. There's not a square centimeter of wood on it – it's covered in Remus's books and parchment and I think the remains of dinner.
You don't have any homework left. You've done it all. What the hell could you do now?
"What are you doing, Moony?"
He jumps, so startled. His light brown hair is a bit tangled, his fingers smudged with black ink. He looks up at me blankly for a moment, like he doesn't see me. Or maybe he sees me, or doesn't recognize me for those few seconds.
For those few seconds, I am nothing to you. I never want to see that expression on your face ever again. I never want that to happen. I never want you to look at me and not recognize me. I can deal with you looking at me without love. I can handle you looking at me with disappointment, or sadness, or anger. But I can't stand you looking at me like I am a nothing.
At last his lips turn up in a smile. He laughs feebly, he like's afraid to.
You're so afraid of everything.
"Sirius," he says. He pushes his chair back and stretches his arms out. "Didn't see you in here. Have you been here this whole time?"
I shake my head, pull out a chair opposite of him, and clear a small spot on the desk to lean my elbows on. "I've been in here since dinner, you idiot."
"Where is here, anyway?" He looks around, blank again.
Something is wrong with you today. Overlook the fact that not knowing where you are is a bimbo-y thing to do. Why are you so out of it today? I wonder if the rumors about us have finally gotten to you. Are you even more afraid of being with me? If we just get together, the rumors will stop…
"Here is the common room. Here is also where your head is not." I reach over and ruffle his hair with my hand. "Something on your mind? First you don't seem to know who I am, and then you don't seem to know where you are. I mean, if you think about it-"
"Congratulations! You're thinking now! My little boy's all grown up!"
"-something must be taking up a lot of your mind if the parts that normally remember the simple things are busy on something else." I ignore his snarky remark. Sometimes even Remus could be a little witty, I'll give him that. "So tell me what's on your mind and see if I can't help."
Remus leans back, rocking in the chair. The back two legs of the chair on the ground, the front off, tilting, tilting.
You always used to get on my case for doing that. You told me that I'd fall back one day, and split my bloody head right open. And you told me that when I did, you would say, "I told you so." Can I say that to you if you fall?
"What's on my mind is why dinner tonight was so cold. Do you think, perhaps, the house elves started too early? Are they allowed to make mistakes?"
You don't ask question. I ask the questions. I ask all those stupid what if questions, not you! What if I had been born a girl? What if we were a highly evolved species of bug? Even James asked the occasional, 'what if the moon suddenly fell on us?' Not you.
"That's not on your mind, and you know it." I prop my elbows up and entwine my fingers together. I lean forward earnestly, and let me chin rest on my hands. "So get to the bottom of it, Moony. I bet if you talk about it, it will help."
He gives me a dark glance. "And how would you know? You're one to talk."
"What?"
"Nevermind."
I gave him a glare. If it came to a bout of evil stares, I would win. "No, don't tell me nevermind. What do you mean? Damnit Remus, explain yourself."
Explain yourself. It sounds like an over-used line from a bad muggle movie. Lily had shared some with us once. I don't know what my thoughts on it all are. Hey, it moves! Hey, it talks! Hey, it's got my attention!
"Fine." Remus shakes his bangs out of his eyes, crosses his arms against his chest, and looks down at the table. "I'm mad that everyone knows. Everyone knows about us. Everyone knows because you told them."
"Told them!" My voice rises unnervingly high, like I'm hysterical. Well, maybe I am. We've never really argued like this before. Never argued seriously. "Moony, there's nothing to tell! You and me – we're nothing! We're not a…a…a…thing! If you would-"
"If you would actually ask me," he interrupts loudly, "and not go around whining to everyone about how you we wish we were together, then we could be!" He pauses, that familiar thoughtful, 'I could have said something better' expression on his face. "A thing, I mean. We could be a…"
You're so cute when you're confused. You're always worrying about saying the wrong thing, or doing the wrong thing. But you never used to care around me. It made me feel special. Like you didn't feel pressured by me to be perfect. Still, what I wouldn't give to have you stutter like this so shyly every now and then.
I laugh and lean even farther forward on the desk. I have to stand and lean on the table, but now my nose touches his. "Ssh," I say, keeping my smile on my lips, despite the bloody table digging into my stomach. "All right then Moony, do you want to go out with a loveable dog like me?"
His anger melts away like ice cream. Now his pale face is flushed, his brown eyes staring into mine. Lovely. "I. Well. I. Yes."
"Well, all right, Moony! We're a thing now." I slide onto the desk, sitting on his books and papers. He could have fun telling his teacher his ink is smudged and his parchment is crinkled because Black's bum was on it. "You could have told me you wanted me to ask you."
"You could have just come out straight and ask me!" he replies defiantly.
I smirk and can't help myself. "Come out gay, you mean."
He stares at me, laughs abruptly and kisses my cheek. "Come out any way you bloody want, as long as you asked me."
AN: Eh, not bad, could be better. I'm not fond of how I did Remus. ;_; Oh well, it is written. It is done. It is a one-shot. It is confusing. I'll stop now.