by Atlantis Forester
A.N. This is set right after the episode 48: "Return to the Place Where We First Met". For those who are lazy, Episode 48 (Episode 47 is "Onigumo's Heart Still Beats Within Naraku") is the one in which Kikyo gets wounded by the giant soul collector, Inu-Yasha saves her and says he will protect her, Kagome comes back from the other side of the well and sees them, goes back to her world, decides to never come back, talks with her mother under the Goshinboku tree, finds out she can't, returns, and has the talk with Inu-Yasha (half of which in right here, underneath). *sucks in a big lungful of air* Phwoo! That was a real run-on sentence, but it sums it up, all the same. Review, please!
Disclaimer: Yadda, yadda, yadda (everyone knows, anyhow), and the dialogue in bold and italics at the very beginning is directly from the episode.
Prologue
I can't compete with Kikyo - because, after all, I'm still alive.
"I've given a lot of thought about Kikyo. She and I are completely different. There's been all this talk that I'm a reincarnation of her; even if that's true, I'm still not Kikyo. You see, my heart belongs to me. Here's the thing. I do understand one feeling that Kikyo has - something that we share: we're alike in our desire to be with you again.
"Strange, you know? The moment it hit me that Kikyo and I were connected by this desire to be with you, I felt a little bit better. The desire to be with you gives us a common bond. That's how I was able to summon up the courage to come and see you.
"I want to be with you, Inu-Yasha. I tried to forget you, but I can't.
"Inu-Yasha? May I ask you a simple question? Inu-Yasha, will you let me stay?"
"So... you'll stay with me?" The golden eyes were whirlpools of mixed emotions.
Of course. I would never leave him.
I can never break the bond between Inu-Yasha and Kikyo - I understand that. But there's another thing I've come to realize, Inu-Yasha. My meeting you was no coincidence - it's more than that. Deep down, you must know that I want you to live...
"Kagome?" His rough voice was soft and hesitant.
"Well, then, let's go!"
I want you to be happy. I want you to laugh a lot. I don't know what exactly I'll be able to do for you, but... I'll always be by your side.
Kagome lay very still in her sleeping bag in Kaede's hut, quietly listening to the familiar, rhythmic breathing of her companions around her. It was late at night, but she still couldn't quell the pounding in her head or the unhappy restlessness stirring in her heart. Sleep was evidently not going to be an option, tonight. Glancing around and making sure everyone was sound asleep, the dark-haired girl slipped silently out of her bedding and pulled on her shoes with the intention of taking a breath of fresh air.
Before pushing the straw door-flap aside to go outside, Kagome paused in front of a blood-red figure. Sprawled on the floor by the threshold, he was hit by streams of soft, pale moonlight penetrating through the gaps between the doorframe and the door-flap. Rivulets of thick, luxurious, snowy hair spilled and pooled around a fiercely handsome face smoothed by the peace of gentle slumber, giving the impression of a being as untouchable as he was ethereal. Forbidden, Kagome reflected, trying to ignore the tightening in her chest and the lump in her throat. Hesitantly, she crouched down and reached out trembling fingers to brush away a straying lock of flowing white.
She abruptly jerked her hand back as it was about to graze the firm jaw. Taking in a sharp breath, Kagome jumped up and strode purposefully out of the darkened hut. When outside, she tread down the well-memorized path which led to the well which carried her in between the two different worlds she lived in - one she had known since birth, and one she had grown to love just as dearly.
The moon shone brightly high over the treetops, and when Kagome finally reached the verdant clearing, everything was bathed in a mellow glow. The Bone-Eater's Well was lodged firmly in the ground at the very center of the serene picture. Vines crept over and clung to the sides of the sturdy wooden structure. Kagome sat on the grass at the foot of the well, gathered her arms around her legs, and dropped her head on her knees. It was a good place to think and be alone - at least, during the night. If ever the dog-demon really relaxed his guard, it would be when everyone was safely assembled in the village under his watch when the moon rose.
With her dark hair tumbling in her face, Kagome finally felt securely hidden enough to let herself really fall into a state of deep cogitation. It had only been one day since she had come back from the other side of the well after seeing Inu-Yasha pledge his protection and love to Kikyo. Kagome knew that it was high time that she thought her situation over. The last few days had been brimming with long denied feelings and realizations. But two facts were firmly rooted in her mind, now, more clear than they had ever been. She loved him, and needed to be by his side. "I'm such an idiot," Kagome muttered to herself.
Inu-Yasha had become an enormous part of her life. She would never be able to leave him behind and forget him. She'd tried - no one could ever say that she hadn't. But she had been incapable of it. What's a girl to do? she thought bitterly. There's only so much I can do. But he loved Kikyo, and there was no more space for Kagome in his heart. I'm only in his way. He'll never be able to be happy with me around. But I'm selfish - I can't go on without seeing his face... hearing his voice. What could she do? How could she make him happy? "Oh god, I'm such an idiot..."
Kagome recalled the incident which brought Kikyo back from the dead in the first place. Urusae, the ogress, had conjured up a body out of bones and earth, and had wanted to take Kagome's soul and instill it in the created body. I wonder if Urusae could have done it the other way around - bring Kikyo's spirit into my body, and mine into the shell of mud and bones. Kagome closed her eyes. Kikyo's hate for Inu-Yasha kept her moving. If I were in Kikyo's place, she wondered suddenly, what would keep me moving? Love?
Kagome froze. Realization flooded her. My body. My warm, breathing, living body. A perfect solution. If Inu-Yasha could live his life with a truly human Kikyo, he... would be happy. She swallowed hard. Yes. I could offer my body to Kikyo. I would get the cold body of earth and bones, and lose my soul to her, as well - but it wouldn't matter, as long as he would be happy. Unlike Kikyo right now, the reason for my existence would be a positive incentive, and I wouldn't harm him. Kikyo would make a better job of searching for the Shikon shards than I ever could - everyone would be happy all around. Especially Inu-Yasha. And I would be better off not yearning for something I can't have. Tears began to sting her eyes as this sudden barrage of ideas sank fully into her. Maybe a cold, soul-less shell would lessen this horrible pain in my heart, she tried to convince herself. Maybe it'll get rid of this terrible darkness that's beginning to consume me because of my jealousy.
Her eyes were as filled with determination as they were with tears when she lifted up her face from her lap.
Yes, she decided firmly. I will make this sacrifice - for Inu-Yasha's sake.