Yeah, I usually use MS Frontpage to type my fics but thanks to a certain attacking worm in my computer, almost all of Office programs are malfunctioning—even this MS Word is working on Safe Mode *shudders*. So at the meantime, I cannot update or edit my other works since they're HTML files and needs special editing (I can't stand using Notepad, I'll have Frontpage and manual codes blend together). But it doesn't mean I'll stop writing, I got a new story to publish and it's right here! Right, this is my first DW fic, featuring my favorite character Lu Xun! *glompglomp* So here it is, for you, feel the love… insanity!

PS: This story takes place around "The Fall of Wei" chapter… argh, like you care *sweatdrop* Just to make the plot easier *lol* Btw, I don't own the DW series, Koeigames, nor ROTK… and SGZ is not (or cannot possibly be) my butler. He's a man of the fourteenth century =3

My Dear Sweet Fruit!
chapter one: an alcoholic banquet—the nightmare begins here

"Damn those sick people!" Cao Cao pinched the table hard, "Aren't there any way to get rid of those Wu!?"

Xiahou Dun hovered the map where a nine-inch hole embarked, "They have their camps surrounding our castle with more than 5000 men, not to mention superb strategies. We cannot win like this."

"We have 7000 men." Xiahou Yuan said matter-of-factly, chewing his fried chicken.

Facefaulting, the other Xiahou answered, "Two third of them are now missing cause you led them to an endless pit and lost in the stone maze during our alliance against Lu Bu…" he placed his hand on forehead. Somewhere far away, Xiahou Dun could hear endless hollers, …naaaahh!!

"HELL with those soldiers!!" Cao Cao cursed, producing another hole on the map, "We have to find a way to eliminate Sun Jian!"

"I know," Cao Ren added, "let's eat 'em."

Everyone in the meeting room eyed at him and sweatdropped. Sima Yi shook his head in disagreement, "Do you have a better idea except cannibalism?"

"Let us seduce him, he couldn't regret that." Zhen Ji suggested, drawing her flute as her thighs revealed from her dress, bringing Cao's men to drool—something she hardly notice forever.

Xiahou Dun replied accusingly, "You and your lady guards are one to blame if something unexpected happens…" he formed two bunny ears with his fingers, "except that Cao Pi will have Sun Jian's head before the campaign even started."

Zhen Ji rolled her eyes heavenwards. She then spattered out at the fat Xiahou, "Don't just eat there! Say something!"

Xiahou Yuan promptly stopped chewing, "Errr… send him down a cliff?"

Mass sweatdropping.

Sima Yi cleared his throat, "Why not the classic?" he asked, "Putting drugs in his teacup?" and said, "A well-prepared plan and successful results are part of beauty as well." of he and his narcissistic features.

"…not bad." Xiahou Dun commented.

"Not bad at all…" Cao Cao hissed in his evil looks, "We might just use that plan, no one will never guess that we'll abduct them internally…"

Grinning arrogantly, Sima Yi added, "We just need some drugs… or poison… any one of them does well…"

"How about using some of Zhen Ji's seductive-nightmare-beauty potions?" Xiahou Dun suggested.

And shot a death glare from the beautiful mistress.

"Those stuff might just make him ten times hornier…"


* * *


Sun Ce trailed down from his camp to the supply depot… and smelled something aromatic.

"Hmm… something's cooking…"

[ at the kitchen ]

"Mwahahahahahaha~~" Cao Cao laughed victoriously in his undercover chef suit , "No one will ever know that me, the ruler of Wu, is settling in Wu's underdogs!" he demanded sarcastically as he—

…got smacked with Zhen Ji's flute.

"Keep it down!" she remarked with a hush, "Those laughs and gags are one to spot when something suspicious is happening. The Sun family aren't that stupid, you know?"

Xiahou Dun sighed, shaking his head, "If we are sneaking in the Wu kitchen camp, why don't we just skip the plan and just hunt them down. The guards didn't even recognize that we're coming here uncovered… though our soldiers are seven times stupider…"

"Now that you mention it, we don't bring any men with us…" Zhen Ji's face faulted.

Sima Yi shrugged and asked the one-eyed warrior, "By the way, where's your brother?"

"He said something about 'catching lambs at the field for dinner' right before we came here." Xiahou said, commenting the other Xiahou, "He's a pig whenever he eats, and he'll forever chase a pork-bun cart if necessary."

The whole Wei-lost-in-Wu-camp bleep-eyed. Not until Zhen Ji took a glance on Cao Cao's beard.

She looked at her father-in-law carefully and opinionated, "Errr… I think your looks are most reckonable… you're the leader of their enemy, they'll strike you down before you even breath."

Everyone set their eyes on their superior's beard.

"Heck it." Sima Yi pulled off Cao Cao's moustache and threw it away, "That matters not."

Because of too much pain, Cao Cao hardly ached on his pain and cursed inaudibly, "You're gonna have twelve penalties when we come back…"

"Anyway, which do you think is Sun Jian's bowl?" Sima Yi questioned the other three as he gazed at the flowing soup bowls on the kitchen table. He drew his index finger and took a sip on one of the bowls. He then mumbled something about "lack of salt" under his breath.

Zhen Ji spotted a rather royal-like bowl among the rest, which was layered by two gold lines on the top and a hologram pheonix crest on the bottom, a bowl perfectly served for the leader, she thought. And quickly pointed her finger out, "That must be the bowl!"

Everyone approached the pointed bowl.

"It must be!" Xiahou Dun agreed, "It's different from any other bowls!"

"And this crest…" Cao Cao glanced at the end tip of the bowl and assumed, "This is IT!!"

"ALRIGHT!" Sima Yi took the bowl awkwardly, "Zhen Ji! 'got the potion!?"

Zhen Ji threw it over to him.

"Good! Now it's poisoning time!" Sima Yi sang as he poured the small bottle of potion to the soup. The rest of the Wei members whistled cheerfully as they cannot wait for their enemy's leader to die.

[ on to the dining room ]

"We're having soup today? How unlikely…" Zhou Yu commented as he saw the stumbling bowls of soup, placed perfectly tidy across the table.

"Aren't we supposed to be in war? How come we're having a banquet?" Sun Ce said as he took a seat next to Zhou Yu.

"It doesn't matter," Gan Ning mentioned with his mouth full, "We've been eating foot-flavored buns and overheated roast chickens for the last three weeks! Let's call this a blessing!"

"Yeah! It's not everyday we can eat something like this during war." Sun Shang Xiang, for the first time, agreed with the foulmouthed pirate.

[ back to the kitchen ]

"Alright… now that's Sun Jian… the Sun Jian! And he's gonna have his soup poisonous any second now!" Cao Cao snickered with a tone of sarcasm—

…and landed a smack on the head.

Sima Yi took a peek, "There goes the bowl…"

Xiahou Dun took a peek next to him, "And that's Sun Ce's seat…"

"And then Sun Quan's seat…"

"And then Sun Shang Xiang's seat…"

"And then Sun Jian's seat…"

Silence.

Cao Cao questioned the peeping toms, "What's the matter? Isn't the bowl supposed to be on Sun Jian's table?"

[ dining room ]

"Aren't you eating, father?" Shang Xiang asked her bowl-less father, "That's your… bowl, right?"

Sun Jian replied, nodding, "It is but… it's specified for someone special tonight."

His two sons blinked altogether, "Who's that?" as if they hardly believe that special someone wasn't one of them. They then eyed the golden bowl, which was still on the tray. Even the greatest and oldest successors of the kingdom didn't receive that very bowl. Obviously anxious of the bowl retriever.

[ kitchen ]

"WHADDAYA MEAN IT'S NOT SUN JIAN!?!?!?!?" Cao Cao's temper went hot red.

Another smack landed on the same spot.

"It appears to be that the bowl is owned by Sun Jian but will not be used by him tonight!" Sima Yi reported, still eyeing at the gazing golden bowl who hadn't been touched by any man of the dining room.

Xiahou Dun remarked, "I think the rest of the bowls are almost done placing… there're only five bowls left on the tray!"

The whole Wei troops rapidly went near the door to peek.

[ dining room ]

"What is the matter, my dear sons? Aren't you supposed to be eating your meals?" Sun Jian asked, sipping his soup.

Zhou Yu couldn't stand sitting beside the wide-eyed Sun Ce, "I don't get it… do you know what's wrong with them, Shang Xiang?" he went to the two's sister, surprised to find her beside him.

Shang Xiang heaved a groan, flashing a look of suspicion, "I think they're off to a world of their own…"

[ kitchen ]

"Two bowls left!" Sima Yi squealed as the soup-spreading was getting exciting.

Xiahou Dun muttered, "Almost… almost…"

"COME OOOONN!!" Cao Cao demanded eagerly and—

…got smacked again.

"Do you honestly hate me that much?" Cao Cao looked at the narrow-eyed Zhen Ji as he rubbed his forehead.

"For your big mouth, yes." she nodded slyly. Cao Cao frowned.

"OOOHH! It's coming!"

Both Cao Cao and Zhen Ji jerked to find them stuck with the other two.

And as expected, the bowl was finally placed on a Wu officer's table. However, the result was terribly not going smoothly as they planned. The bowl was not with the leader, the prime minister, nor one of the high-rated commanders.

The Wei troops had their jaws dropped.

[ dining room ]

The two Sun family sons mumbled altogether awkwardly, "…what?"

And Sun Jian stood up from his seat with his cup up in the air, "Gentlemen, I would like to make an announcement," he pleaded, "I would like to announce a new yet superb strategist of the Wu kingdom, who will be vowed to be the service-in-commander for later battles."

The rest of the diners shifted their eyes anxiously, especially the other two Suns.

"Everyone, I would like you to congratulate—"

The hiding Wei troops jerked towards.

"Lu Xun."

The hiding Wei troops paralyzed.

Among all hand-clapping Wu men, Lu Xun flabbergasted and muttered, "Erm… me? Aaahh… I don't know what to say…"

Then suddenly, Gan Ning patted his back roughly and encouraged him, "What're ya talking about? You've got a place no one can nearly succeed there!" he exclaimed cheerfully.

"Get away from me, Gan Ning… you scented liquor…" Lu Xun murmured, slowly avoiding his fellow pirate in disgust.

"What're you talking about!?" Gan Ning dragged his companion, drunk, "Let's settle down the night and have lotsa fuuuu~n!"

The dining room stared at the two strangely.

Lu Xun immediately ignored the stares and constantly pushed Gan Ning's head, "Oh please Gan Ning, cut it OUT!" but his arms were still attached, gripping his shoulder, "Go drink and do something far far away from me—I haven't even touch my soup yet!" his constant force brought Gan Ning rolling down the floor.

But Gan Ning hadn't give up, "How cruel… I only wanna cheer you up, y'know…" he stood up and tried to drag Lu Xun on the floor, "Com'on! You know you want to!"

"GYAH! Get away from me, you homophobic seadog!!" the younger boy tried to push Gan Ning's head away with all his might, "This is my first soup in four months!!" he struggled Gan Ning's roaming arms around his body and kicked his face.

Everyone was still staring sharp at him.

"What're you looking at? The show's over." Lu Xun took a sip of the soup as he thought, I can't believe I got exposed shamelessly in a banquet dinner… not before thanking the heavens for his sacred chicken soup, of course.

[ kitchen ]

Both Xiahou Dun and Sima Yi sweatdropped. Zhen Ji's face went flat. Cao Cao surprisingly faint in shock.

"…it's not with Sun Jian?" Sima Yi faltered, hardly believe his trustworthy plan came to a close… and a complete failure.

"Just who is that new guy?" Xiahou Dun fibbed questioningly, "Not only that he's a brat… he got a special bowl too!"

Zhen Ji found Cao Cao's head on her chest and promptly slapped it off, "If that bowl isn't used by Sun Jian then… where is his real bowl?" she wondered, looking around the kitchen for leftover bowls.

Until a servant brought a large bowl from across the kitchen and ended up right before the undercovered enemies.

The remaining three jolted awake, "Huh?"

[ dining room ]

"Aren't you eating, father?" Shang Xiang asked.

Sun Jian was about to answer until his servant came and brought the superior bowl of soup, a ten-inch tall bowl. Everyone, including the sneaking Wei troops, bleep-eyed as they saw the Wu leader gulped the whole bowl less than twenty seconds.

"Gaaaahh… nothing like a good meal after a good fight," he snapped, still having the whole dining room (and kitchen) facing him awkwardly. But he ignored and ordered a servant, "can you send another ten-inch bowl for me?"

"Yes, my lord." the servant as she trailed off with a weak smile, somehow awed on how huge her leader had in portion.

"Umm… anyway…" Sun Jian announced, not realizing everybody still had their eyes over him, "liquor anyone?"


* * *


It was a long night at the Wu banquet dinner which last with laughters and alcohol-fetish drinkers. No one didn't know when the party came to a close, because Gan Ning and his merry men kept drinking until dawn. However, most Wu officers had already wind up in their tents before midnight—especially Lady Sun, who had a little too much liquor due to her first experience with alcohol, and Lu Meng, who got a huge scar covered on his back due to Zhou Tai's attacks during his drunkage. Violence he can handle but attacking drunkards were another story. And for everyone who hadn't left, was now perfectly insane.

Although it was fortunate for Gan Ning, it was unfortunate for the likes of Lu Xun. Whenever a man named Gan Ning is drunk, he will forever drive his peace-loving friend overnight in insanity. This was the thirty-first time for Lu Xun, and he still wasn't used to it. Lu Xun was a deliquent and known not only for his remarkable tactical strategies, but also for his huge avoidant towards alcohol.

The question was, have Lu Xun tasted liquor before? If it weren't for Gan Ning, he would never taste, or touch the beverage he labeled evil. After all, Lu Xun never drank liquor by himself, he always had Gan Ning jerking the bottle towards his mouth and gulped it in an automatically biological way.

…and the next thing he knew, he would be singing Mary Had a Little Lamb or Old McDonald's in a duet with Gan Ning all night.

This night was an exception, however. They were singing Ten Little Indians with bottles and brooms as their mikes.

As for the three—err, four troops of Wei, they now came back with unexplainable manners. Their plan failed, and happened to the wrong person as well. A mix of feelings eluded, but they were cool enough to move on… except the short-tempered Cao Cao of course. Their leader was dragged on the heels by the other three officers because of shock-turned-faint. The plan to eliminate the Tiger of Jiang Dong failed flatly.

But Zhen Ji kept enlightening her fellow companions by saying, "Well, they did lost a strategist… they're now five points below average!" or at least, that was how she presumed.

Tired and sleepy, the Wei troops walked in a rather gazing way and somehow dreamy, as if they were walking in a land of clouds. Not to mention Zhen Ji's face turned pale due to her ruined chaotic make-up, which may cause her screaming all day if she regains full conscience.

Sadly, the Wei officers came home to find themselves missing a royal banquet dinner of their own. They could hear similar laughters and female squeals from what they heard from the Wu camp—only that Gan Ning's voice was replaced by Zhang He's in this case. Before walking a fine ten-meters distance from the castle, there wavered fainting drunken men who were to die the next day.

From across the Wei castle, they could hear evil and disturbing laughters of a drunkard.

Xiahou Yuan was laughing at them.

"Damn." Xiahou Dun cussed, snorting.

Somehow, they felt jealous to their enemy, for having a mid-summer's party altered in a banquet.

Xiahou Dun and Sima Yi kept mumbling the same thing, "There goes my dancing panties and bottles of liquor…"

While Zhen Ji cursed in her thoughts, Men!


* * *


The soldiers woke to hear a horrific scream coming from a certain tent.

"Ah-uh… in the middle of the morning…" Gan Ning shifted his eyes up and found himself asleep on the dining table, with mountaining liquor bottles on top of his stomach, "what the hell was that?"

Zhou Yu and his men came walking in incredible speed toward the place where the screaming came. As he passed from tent to tent, all officers and their men came hovering at his back and followed. Their path stopped in front of an officer's tent.

Lu Xun's tent.

"Helloo~" Zhou Yu forwarded his head into the tent and stepped in, "Lu Xun, are you here? Is something wrong?"

The first-commander was pleasantly surprised to found a girl sobbing at the corner of the room, covering her eyes as she sat in silence.

A girl… he thought, "Who are you? How come a lady like you could wind up in a place as dangerous as this?" Zhou Yu handed out his gentleman hand.

The girl glanced at him slightly and quickly hid her face again, continuing her sobs.

"Errr… something wrong? I can bring you home if you want…" he tried to be a nicer—as if he wasn't nice at all.

But she ignored, and continued to cry, even harder.

Zhou Yu's third attempt to cheer the girl up was interrupted by his young lord, Sun Ce, "Hey, what's all the fuss here? What's taking you so long, Zhou Yu?" he was about to grab Zhou Yu's arm to pull him outside—

…until he found out the girl cried seven times harder.

Sun Ce, awed, mouth half-opened, "W-Who—"

"She's—"

"Who the heck is this girl!? What's she doing in on of our tents… in Lu Xun's tent!?" he awkwardly cussed in disbelief, "Are you saying that Lu Xun is sneaking a girl here and made her pregnant!? And now he ran away because he doesn't wanna be responsible that made her cry!?"

"You and your dirty thoughts!" Zhou Yu snapped out, "Lu Xun is lack of flirting skills…" he rolled his eyes.

"No…" the girl opened her mouth, letting her strength out to whisper.

The two officers jolted up to her.

"You guys are wrong…"

…and went closer to her.

"I AM LU XUN!"

…then face-faulted.

During the meantime, Cao Cao and his men came and demanded with sarcasm, "Now what're you going to do, you Wu scums… sad for having your leader dead for the day!?" he mentally forgot about what happened last night during the sneak-to-the-Wu-banquet.

Sun Jian came riding his Red Hare and replied, "Sorry to disappoint you but… I'm still ALIVE!"

Horrofic screams of Cao Cao's underlings caused the whole army to drop their manners overally—except Xiahou Dun, Sima Yi, and Zhen Ji, obviously because they knew and remembered what happened… in which Cao Cao fainted.

"Grrmm…" Cao Cao gritted his teeth, "SIMA YIII~"

Sima Yi immediately came with his horse, "What is it, my lord?"

"Wasn't he supposed to be dead!? We poisoned his soup, right!?" he demanded impatiently.

The narcissistic assassin gulped, "I hate to say this but… umm… don't you remember?"

Cao Cao looked at him strangely, he really did forgotten about it.

"Umm… we misplaced the poison to another bowl… which wasn't Sun Jian's?" Sima Yi explained, tremblingly speaking.

Cao Cao's jaw dropped on the ground.

Back at the camp, Sun Ce and Zhou Yu were still face-faulting disbeliefly. Finding their topnotch strategist turned to a woman was a huge shock for the whole troops. If the poison really did came to Sun Jian, the whole nation might drop dead or immediately surrender themselves to either Wei or Shu.

The next thing the soldiers knew was Sun Ce and Zhou Yu stone-statuing.


* * *


"My lord, we got bad news on our side!" two soldiers came to Sun Jian's aid.

He got confused for he was sure everything was perfectly set for the battle, "What is it?"

"It's trully unbelievable, sir! And we don't know how it happened!" they seemed trembling with fear.

Sun Jian looked even more confused.

"Lord Lu Xun turned into a WOMAN!!"

Massive sweatdrops.


* * *


"Gan Ning… are you sure you didn't put something in Lu Xun's liquor last night?" Lu Meng crossed his arms, asking the same question for the umpteenth time.

The pirate slapped his head, "Look, dude, I was badly drunk that night… I couldn't possibly think about putting something in someone's drink… including chilli sauce!" he fumed.

"Come on… you're the last person who was with him, right?" Zhou Tai investigated him.

"I was but there's now I'll do something like that… including turning him into a girl!" Gan Ning defended himself, "That's the stupidest thing a stupid guy would do…"

The mentioned strategist sighed, wiping his tears out, "But how am I going to fight in a girl's body…?"

"Oh, don't feel so bad about it, Lu Xun!" Shang Xiang cheered him up, "Although you're now a girl, we still love you!"

The rest of the crew looked at her strangely. Lu Xun twitched, "I'm not a dog, Shang Xiang… I'm a five-foot man-turned-woman officer…"

"Don't worry too much about it!" she smiled in reply, "You look as good as you are as a man! You've got a pretty face there, guys'll definitely love you!" she said enviously.

Lu Xun growled, "I'm a man, Shang Xiang."

"But more importantly," Lu Meng threw Lu Xun's twin blades to him, "you still can fight, right?"

Lu Xun stood up, "Yes but… maybe I'm going to be a little slower than how I used to…" he chanted in his heart, learning to fight in a girl's body might take a lifetime to master…

But just about time the Wu officers came out of the tent, Sun Jian's men and the Wei army were withdrawing altogether. Unlikely, the Wei army were withdrawing by Sima Yi's orders—for Cao Cao was still fainted in shock and memory-recollection.

"What the—"

"We're withdrawing! We have to reset ourselves!" Sun Jian shouted as he made his comeback.

The Wei army were also doing the same thing—

…except Zhang He. He and his horse were still there, facing to the Wu camp's direction. He was staring—

Zhang He was staring at Lu Xun.

Although it was a five-meters distance, Lu Xun's feminine voice was loud and clear enough to hear, "What are you looking at?"

Before he knew it, Zhang He escaped—

…and blushed.

Moreover, this unusual phenomena was seen by thousands of Wu men.

Lu Xun groaned, "What are you guys looking at too?"

Shang Xiang then tiptoed and grinned playfully—which continued to a horrible laugh. She laughed so hard that she rolled over the grass. Everyone shifted their eyes strangely at her.

"Shang Xiang, stop it… you're crazy…" Sun Quan said.

Holding tight to her stomach, she chuckled, "Ahaha~~ I think Zhang He got a crush on Lu Xun!"

Everyone bleep-eyed and stone-statued.

Lu Xun jawdropped, "W-What…?" he hoped he heard wrong.

"ZHANG HE GOT A CRUSH ON LU XUN!!" and continued to laugh hard for hours—or probably just thirty minutes.

The next thing they knew, Lu Xun passed out.

~tbc

That was one long chapter, ne? This part was partially not included in the plot but I think it's an exciting start *gringringrin* Anyway, I was wondering… just how tall is Lu Xun? I specified that he's 5' but honestly, I think he's a lot taller than that, but I don't think he's somewhere around 6' either. I reckon he's somewhere near 5'6" or 5'7", like most males are. Asian people during the medievil period are mostly short, right? But for fighters… erm… it is said that Lu Bu got a huge body for people during that time of age… maybe fighters got broader shoulders from how they used to. Anyway, I would like to hear your reviews and feedbacks! Pretty please?